Childcare when you're a teacher and your partner is not or vice versa

[TheThinWhiteDutchess]

I'd love to hear experiences of couples where one of you is a teacher and one is not. How do you manage the school holidays? Does one of you end up doing childcare during the holidays when your partner works?

My DH is a teacher, I am not, I work in a 9-5 office job. So this means that he has the school holidays off at the same time as the kids. You'd think this would be wonderful for childcare costs but in reality it seems to cause so much tension in our relationship as his holidays are never 'his own'. This I feel is compounded by the fact that we don't have a lot of childcare help from family. It all feels a bit relentless sometimes.

Part of me feels massively guilty about it, but I genuinely do not have enough holiday to cover even half the school holidays. I just don't know what to do. It's making me so stressed and unhappy. I think I need to bite the bullet and pay for some holiday club so that DH gets some him time.

But then again, I am working and that work contributes to the household. Although I have the occasional day off to do something fun, the vast majority of my days off are with the kids. I try to cover any medical appointments they need as I can obviously take holiday when I want whereas it is more complicated for DH.

We've gone round in circles about it so many times that I have genuinely lost sight of what is reasonable and what is not. I know different things work for different people and families. I almost feel like we need some outside help to resolve all this tension.

Something that doesn't help is that we often don't get a lot of time together as a couple. I think we really need to try and get some more time together otherwise it just feels like we are co-parenting in parallel.

Apologies, that was long.

So he has basically 12 weeks a year off and you have what 6? and he resents using his holiday looking after the kids....yeh.... well that wouldnt work in a relationship. Once you are a mummy and daddy there is no 'my time'. WTF does he expect you to do? use all your six weeks then hire in help. Afraid he needs to wake up and smell the coffee...

I agree with this!!

This is crazy, nobody has annual leave as 'me time' once they are a parent. It's just life when you are a parent. If you are booking annual leave outside of the school holidays then maybe that is why he thinks he should have some too? You should stop doing that and save holiday for family time or otherwise you need to even it out with some holiday club. I say this as someone who doesn't work in a school but has a term time only job. It is a bonus to us that we don't have to pay for holiday club.

That's my point, as I off all the school holidays, Dp takes time off at different weeks (though he just recharges himself at home) he has 2 weeks off in July when it's his birthday, normally a week in February which is mostly not when we are on half term and a week off with us in august for our family holiday and the extra day for end of summer holidays when im back at work and dd is still off.
We do share sickness and he doesn't work mondays so inset days are mostly covered. He's also home by early afternoon on the days he does work so we still see a lot of each other!

You should stop doing that and save holiday for family time

Sounds like a reasonable solution but assumes that OP works in a job where school holiday annual leave isn't competitive or has no limits placed. I can take a maximum of 10 days in the summer and the other holidays we have to fill out a form with our preferences, requests are accommodated based on staff levels (I've never got everything I've asked for).

Echoing everyone else, how unreasonable and unrealistic your DH is being. 100% of my annual leave is not "my own", I have children - what else do I expect to do. I also don't have any time "to myself" as my working hours are within school hours, why complain about this, it covers childcare. He has to get a grip of himself.

“he has 2 weeks off in July when it's his birthday”

erm what?! Is he the emperor or something?

I’m a teacher and genuinely love school holidays with my children, when they were smaller though it was a bit more difficult. My husband would come home and give me an hour or two to sit in silence away from everyone!

I'm not a teacher but I don't think I ever took a days leave that didn't involve looking after my son (until he was old enough to sort himself out). That's just what holidays are when you have children. Most people who take jobs as teachers see it as a bonus that they don't have to pay for childcare during the school holidays!

I am a teacher and my husband is not. I do all the childcare in the holidays…they are older and more self sufficient now but I always put them in childcare one day a week of holidays because I need to work/rest. This has been a mixture of kids clubs, grand parents and child minder. It has always been an expense worth paying as teaching is so stressful.

Apart from summer holiday abroad - husband has never taken time off work.

Presumably you also look after the kids during your holidays, it’s just you get fewer days off than him per year. I’m not sure what he is complaining about. provided everything is shared on the weekends and while you’re not at work it makes total sense that the non/working parent (ie the teacher) would look after the kids in school holidays. Unless he wants to get a summer job and use the money to pay for childcare.

if you’re taking all your annual leave in term time and chilling out while the kids are in school that would be different but I doubt that’s what’s happening.

I agree with most posters: he has children, his annual leave is no longer all about him. He needs to accept he'll need to sort his own children as he's available, although he should of course book them in to some holiday clubs or activities for some days so he can have some time to himself.

If your roles were reversed, I have no doubt he wouldn't be entertaining the same complaint from you.

I am a teacher. My partner is not.

i do not see ‘school holidays’ as a holiday. I look after the children. I keep them busy all
day everyday. I don’t even manage housework most of the time!

My ‘holiday’ is taken when we have a family holiday and we share the children equally. The only time my husband has our kids to himself is on TD day when I am still at work. He has had them one weekend on his own whilst I went to my sister’s 50th birthday.

i love my summer holidays with the kids in particular. There is always fun stuff on in the holidays!! Museums, libraries, all sorts.

But then I chose my career path because I knew I would want a family and I would want the 6 weeks clear to care for them.

My brother is a teacher and his holidays were spent looking after the kids. My Aunt and Uncle are teachers and their holidays were looking after the kids. I have several friends who went in to teaching in large part because it meant they wouldn't have to put their kids into childcare in the holidays. And every other parent I know spends the holidays they do have, bar a day or two, on time off when the kids are off so they don't have to put them in childcare.

While a few days break without the kids around might be nice for both of you if you can afford it, I think your DH is massively unreasonable if he wasn't expecting to be in charge of the kids for the bulk of the holidays. It's a bit like he doesn't think he should be a parent when he isn't at work.

I think your DH is being unrealistic. Neither of us are teachers and so we used to split our holidays to reduce the cost of childcare. I had DS more as I'm civil service and get more leave plus flexi time. But I had no annual leave days without DS as otherwise it meant a holiday day in childcare or with the GPs.

And I still had to work in the evening as well (unless I was abroad - very rare) as my job didn't lend well to a whole week off.

I’m the teacher, child is in their 20’s now and I always made sure we had downtime and days out together with family and friends as well as clubs and activities during the holidays; so they had fun and I had time to myself whilst the other parent was working.
Child would also come to school as and when I needed to go in, not their favourite time admittedly but necessary.
Having said all that if we could get away as a family we would, time is precious and creating childhood memories can’t be beaten.

I'm living all the responses 🤣

It's made clear that childcare is my responsibility. I work 5 days a week as does he but they overlap so I work a day he doesn't and vice versa, however everything falls on me to sort out and he doesn't use a single day of AL for childcare. Also, he's not the one that gets called to come home early if DC is unwell.

I am hugely resentful of this so I would suggest finding some holiday clubs and sucking up the cost, if you value your relationship it will be worth it in the long run.

We are way past that now and just Co-existing is not fun x

Sounds like you’re past what’s reasonable and what isn’t and he certainly isn’t interested in your position.

I immediately begin acting like a single parent when my OH starts with this sh*t. They like to whinge but they start to worry when they realise not only can you cope without them, life might even be a whole load better.

Just bite the bullet and put them in a club for holidays, they’ll have a great time and you can have some peace from all the whingeing! you should also stop being the default parent for all the day to day stuff. Up your hours at work (to help pay for holiday club) and let him juggle his bloody working day for a change. Talk about taking you for granted.

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I’m a teacher and DH isn’t.

Have always just done the holidays? When DD was little DH was a SAHD so holidays then meant some time to myself; however, that was a bonus, not the expectation.

DH works shorter hours in the week so does most of the childcare usually. I do long hours so holidays are also a chance for some mummy time.

It is hard though as you get to end of a term and are shattered and then it’s straight into mummy time. Not to mention trying to squeeze in work that needs fling despite the holidays.

Once DD is a bit older I’ve said I’d put her in a holiday club for a few days over the summer holidays so I can clear work and then focus on the summer without that stress!

Ive always believed that children can go to childcare and holiday clubs just to give parents a break ! Why not if you can afford them and you rhe adult would like to recharge or just know they are off having fun or running about wildly with mates

Im self employed soI have always felt that childcare is not just this thing you use when you literally cannot be there with your kids...its a flexible thing to help adults cope in whatever way they can with being adults !

Nobody benefits from an unhappy parent

Teaching is tiring ...to swap from that to six weeks in a row of childcare is tirinf. If you can afford it let your dh have some time for himself in holidays and he will be a better parent and partner ...

Exactly this ! You would probably get a lot less leave but i bet yours are not child free either ! I never take days that are mine , it’s always school holidays in an attempt to keep our little people happy and costs down.
If he’s that down about it suggest he sorts some holiday clubs to free up some time ! Although I’d want some child free holiday too then ….

I’m a teacher and have never seen spending time with my own kids as ‘childcare’ but as a perk of the job. Often have friends’ kids too in the holidays to pay them back for the term time favours they do us.
Kids now 18 and 14 but being able to spend good chunks of time with them was and is the best!

Loads of teachers at my school have kids and whenever I ask how their holidays were it’s always a lot of childcare along with nice things like holidays and taking kids to festivals. Surely that’s just how it is when you make the choice to have children?

However, I can utterly empathise with him. I personally cannot think of anything worse than finishing a term and then having my own children to look after for six weeks. This is why I don’t have children and probably never will.

I look after our son, whilst my partner works in non teaching job during the school holidays.
It's simple.

I’m a teacher and my husband works full time in London, long 12-13 hour days out of the house. I’ve got younger children (in term-time only nursery) and, while I don’t take that approach towards my children, I do completely understand your husband’s perspective for wanting a few days to unwind. I think teachers are also struggling with feeling very unappreciated at the moment (join leave teaching, Exit the Classroom & thrive Facebook group, it’s eye opening).. Depending on the role/school, teaching can be completely chaotic and super stressful and most teachers without children need at least part of the holidays to decompress. I used to work in a city job so I know that you can drink hot coffee whenever you want, go to the loo when you need, have a relaxed chat with colleagues etc and show up to work feeling awful/ill/exhausted one day and make it by okay but you really can’t hide as a teacher and demands on teachers are only increasing. I completely agree your husband shouldn’t be travelling around the world on his own and the vast majority of school holidays should be family time but I do think a day or two at the start of each holiday is not a demand from a crazed disloyal father - my old head of department continues to send his daughter to childminders for a week every holiday to decompress.

To give the other side, I find it’s very hard to get a break and find teaching very unrewarding at the moment. I’m considering a career change but my husband is struggling at the idea of me losing all the holidays for childcare. I think it’s worth considering would you hypothetically support your husband moved to a less intense or more evenly distributed job (rather than the intense on/off of teaching) at the cost of you having to get almost full childcare for school holidays. Or would you be happy to pay for a few days decompression time as the price for him staying as a teacher and the benefit of them being looked after by their father rather than paid childcare the rest of the hols? There’s no right answer but I wouldn’t underestimate the strain of different jobs on people and some time to unwind might be needed to average out the intensity of his job