Childcare when you're a teacher and your partner is not or vice versa

[TheThinWhiteDutchess]

I'd love to hear experiences of couples where one of you is a teacher and one is not. How do you manage the school holidays? Does one of you end up doing childcare during the holidays when your partner works?

My DH is a teacher, I am not, I work in a 9-5 office job. So this means that he has the school holidays off at the same time as the kids. You'd think this would be wonderful for childcare costs but in reality it seems to cause so much tension in our relationship as his holidays are never 'his own'. This I feel is compounded by the fact that we don't have a lot of childcare help from family. It all feels a bit relentless sometimes.

Part of me feels massively guilty about it, but I genuinely do not have enough holiday to cover even half the school holidays. I just don't know what to do. It's making me so stressed and unhappy. I think I need to bite the bullet and pay for some holiday club so that DH gets some him time.

But then again, I am working and that work contributes to the household. Although I have the occasional day off to do something fun, the vast majority of my days off are with the kids. I try to cover any medical appointments they need as I can obviously take holiday when I want whereas it is more complicated for DH.

We've gone round in circles about it so many times that I have genuinely lost sight of what is reasonable and what is not. I know different things work for different people and families. I almost feel like we need some outside help to resolve all this tension.

Something that doesn't help is that we often don't get a lot of time together as a couple. I think we really need to try and get some more time together otherwise it just feels like we are co-parenting in parallel.

Apologies, that was long.

I'd just put the kids in holiday club for a week or once a week in the holidays so he has some time to catch up with work, do some chores or just relax. Not really seeing what the drama is?

I honestly feel a bit ashamed and inadequate about some of my feelings towards parenting after reading some of the comments here.
Looking after my young children is hard work, it's far harder than my actual job. I love them to bits and we do have lots of fun but it's not all sunshine and rainbows and I'm glad of any opportunity for a break and some 'me time'.

I don't think anyone is suggesting looking after children all day is a constant bed of roses, but it is a darn site easier than not only looking after, but also teaching 30 or other people's children.

If I had to teach young children and then look after my own during all my time off I'd be at the point of burnout. So I can sympathise when my DH struggles with this (it's why we use paid childcare when we can afford to).

But surely all parents look after their own dc when they are not at work ?

You know - 'parenting'. I mean, we have chosen to have dc. Is it so odd, when you are out at work for most of the year, to enjoy spending time together when they aren't at school and you aren't at work ?
(and again, I'm not saying there aren't tantrums and frustrations, but that is all part of parenting)

There are lots of threads on here about mums reaching their limits and often the first response is 'can you use childcare?'. Should it be any different if a father says they are finding it hard?

Well, he can arrange activities - depending on their age - going to play at a friend's house or having a day out with the Grandparents, or going to Guide camp or whatever - like many of us do. But it is still the responsibility of the parent who does not have to go into work throughout the school holidays, to look after the dc.

Yes, I am speaking as the person who has done tat, for many, many years.

And let me guess, how much of your leave is just “your own”, with no childcare responsibilities involved? 🧐 Do you take leave in the middle of school time to enjoy a little me time while your DH and kids are at school?

I’m a teacher (part time) and my husband isn’t. I love the holidays! We can have lie ins whilst he gets up for work, chill all morning and do lovely things in the afternoon. He books off days with us he can for family time, but even when it’s just me and them I love it. They don’t feel like hard work and I’m not a Mother Earth type! I actually used to find holidays really boring before kids because no one else was off and I’d be rattling round on my own.

I worked term time only and it fitted perfectly. My dh would never have considered sharing the holidays as I was around. Occasionally it was annoying when he booked a day off to do his own thing. As I couldn’t do that. But I loved having 13 weeks off!

my DM was a teacher and my DF a civil servant in a Senior role, but he worked flexitime, and my memory is my DM had us in the holidays except for 2 week family holidays all together, My DF however always took time off if we were unwell and I was quite unwell as a child, with things like glandular fever. my DF used to make us breakfast as mt DM had left at that time in the morning, it balanced out between them I think. If your DC are poorly I imagine it is you that would stay home and take time out with them as it would be harder for a teacher to get leave in term time

I’m a teacher and a mum of 3. I would never think of my hols as my own. Me and kids are on hols together. Last Summer they went to a football summer camp for 4 days and tbh even though they love playing football they hated the camp and would have preferred being at home. They enjoy lazy days playing and days trips together or with friends. The holidays fly.

I actually have sympathy with your dh and I think a lot of the posts here are a bit smug. Looking after small children is very hard work. Doesn’t make you a bad parent.
I’m a full time teacher with managerial responsibilities. Most teachers will do some work in the holidays, and in case you haven’t noticed schools are at breaking point at the moment. Until recently I did all the child care in the holidays. Result? I was always ill, and also exhausted and miserable. Now my dc go to a holiday club for a few days each holiday, and my Mil is very helpful too and normally has dc a day a week. I feel so much happier and am a better parent. I think your dh is getting a rough ride here.

I'm baffled at the idea that any parent of young children has holidays that are solely their own (beyond maybe a day here or there)!

Just checking who gets their ‘own’ holidays once you have children regardless of their jobs?! Tell me your secret!

I work in education but on a full year contract so we have joint family time off and then I take two days off per week in the summer to do things with DD.

I once left work at 1pm and DH picked up DD at 5pm. I lay on the sofa in a silent house! It was bliss.

DH takes a few days off to have solo time with DD on their adventure days.

Either you hand over your holidays or your hard cash for holiday clubs I think.

But surely all parents look after their own dc when they are not at work?

Well yes but I work with other adults. If I worked with young children then had to solo parent for an extended period of time I would want a break.

You know - 'parenting'. I mean, we have chosen to have dc. Is it so odd, when you are out at work for most of the year, to enjoy spending time together when they aren't at school and you aren't at work ?

I enjoy spending time with them, I enjoy spending time as a family. I don't enjoy doing it by myself for days at a time which my DH would have to do if we did not use paid childcare to give him a break.

Yes I know other people 'suck it up' and cope but if OP can afford to utilise holiday childcare then I see nothing wrong with it if it makes DH a better/more relaxed parent in the long run.

I do agree it should be OPs DH who sorts out the clubs etc though.

I’m the teacher, with no family/ childcare help nearby and a husband who frequently worked away.

I have always done all the holiday childcare. When they were very little I had to book them into nursery if I needed to work at school during the holidays. When they were older, they had to come into work with me if I had to go in during the holidays, unless I could arrange to go in on days when DH was WFH.

Expecting days off as ‘me time’ is not the norm- this would need to be arranged for days when neither parent needed to be st work.

I'm not a teacher and I've not read the whole thread, however I do think it's okay to want the occasional break from parenting. Me and DH have agreed recently to try and find ways to make the most of annual leave/childcare/nursery etc so that every now and again we either get a day/half a day to ourselves or to do something without the kids. You've not really said whether your DH is just hoping for the odd day here and there or the whole holidays? Assume you also use your leave in the holidays so do you sometimes give each other some free time? Do you get occasional time together just the two of you?

Also, if DD is ill I will generally do the first morning and then he WFH or takes leave to look after her.

I notice some of my colleagues in school always are the primary carer when a child is ill.

Everyone needs a break at some point.

God I would love a proper break when on my
holidays however it’s user to cover the school holidays so I never get a day off to myself ever. My DH and I make sure we both get a few hours to exercise / nap as needed and tag team to allow this. We have no family support so it’s just how it is. The fact that OP can have the half the holidays off with her DH is a luxury for her DH. Most working parent’s alternate so they will only get a small amount of time off together to better flex the school holidays needs.

I don't see his problem. Children grow up so quickly. Why would he want holidays without them? Presumably you only take holidays when the kids are off. I would think you are more likely to be annoyed as you have fewer holidays.

When my daughters were young I thought being able to spend the school holidays with them was one of the greatest things about being a teacher. Whenever I feel knackered, undervalued, underpaid, stressed, etc. I remember that (as well as being a great job most of the time) it gave me all those wonderful extra weeks with them! What planet is he on?

I teach and my DH is self employed, out of the house for 12 hours Mon-Fri and half days on a Saturday.

The youngest 2 go to holiday club once over the week long school holidays and a few times over the summer, the eldest entertains himself mostly. We have days out with friends, spend a lot of time at the beach as it’s a 5 min walk away, mooch around the house. The kids going to club gives me a chance to do all the stuff I need to do but is tricky to do when you’ve got 2 young kids that need entertaining, they enjoy going as they do lots of fun stuff and see their friends and I get a chance to go to the hairdresser, have a good sort out at home, do all the stuff I don’t have time to do during term time etc. I find it works well for us. DH will take a week/10 days off in the summer for our family holiday and 5 days over Christmas and New Year, the rest is left to me including if they’re poorly during term time, as if he doesn’t work he doesn’t get paid!

Aren't they his children too? I assume you don't take your holidays when the kids are at school and have your own time? I worked jobs in school so that I could look after my kids in school holidays as my husband only had 4 weeks a year leave, thats what you do when you have kids!!

Myself and DH are teachers. We sent our little one to nursery term time only from 6 months to save money! Couldn’t afford or justify paying for childcare when we are at home. Having said that I have a lot of colleagues who send their children to nursery all year around so you wouldn’t be alone!
I think as long as you aren’t having weeks off to be home alone it’s fair. Maybe a schools out activity a day a week in the summer but more to break it up for the kids.

Why is this your problem to solve?

If there is money in the household budget for this, he can organise some camps/clubs for them a few days a week and spend time with them on the other days. The kids will benefit from being active and he can recharge and be a more enthusiastic parent for the rest of the time he has them.

And yes, one of the perks of teaching is not having to organise childcare, but there's a big difference between booking a few camps/workshops which are either half-day or 9-3 to give both you and the kids a break from each other, and having to organise childcare everyday from 8-6.

But I don't see why he's resentful with you? Agree a holiday activities budget and he can allocate it as he sees fit. He needs to take ownership of this.

I'm a teacher, dh is not. It would never occur to me.in a million years to moan about me having my children during holidays. You do have to work quite a lot during the hols but what I do is do the work at weekends when the children are with dad.

As for the "me time".... oh please. I'm a parent.

Teacher here with a partner who works FT. I've always done all the childcare in the school holidays. The only thing that annoys me about that is that my partner also stops doing any house work in the holidays as I'm 'off work'. I usually have quite a bit of work to do so when the children were younger it did feel relentless as the only way to get work done was to get up super early or stay up late. As they've got older I can leave them to themselves a bit more and get things done plus do some nice things with the children in the day. It is hard - but your partner should be doing looking after the children- he is their Dad. When do you get childfree days to relax?

My annual leave hasn't been "my own" for 12 years. All my annual leave has been used to cover childcare, I thought that's just how things are when you have children? My dad was a teacher, he looked after us all the holidays whilst my mum worked. I don't think my mum gave it a second thought. Your dh gets13 weeks annual leave a year, if it was me in that situation I wouldn't be worrying about it. I certainly wouldn't be paying for alternative childcare.