Childcare when you're a teacher and your partner is not or vice versa

[TheThinWhiteDutchess]

I'd love to hear experiences of couples where one of you is a teacher and one is not. How do you manage the school holidays? Does one of you end up doing childcare during the holidays when your partner works?

My DH is a teacher, I am not, I work in a 9-5 office job. So this means that he has the school holidays off at the same time as the kids. You'd think this would be wonderful for childcare costs but in reality it seems to cause so much tension in our relationship as his holidays are never 'his own'. This I feel is compounded by the fact that we don't have a lot of childcare help from family. It all feels a bit relentless sometimes.

Part of me feels massively guilty about it, but I genuinely do not have enough holiday to cover even half the school holidays. I just don't know what to do. It's making me so stressed and unhappy. I think I need to bite the bullet and pay for some holiday club so that DH gets some him time.

But then again, I am working and that work contributes to the household. Although I have the occasional day off to do something fun, the vast majority of my days off are with the kids. I try to cover any medical appointments they need as I can obviously take holiday when I want whereas it is more complicated for DH.

We've gone round in circles about it so many times that I have genuinely lost sight of what is reasonable and what is not. I know different things work for different people and families. I almost feel like we need some outside help to resolve all this tension.

Something that doesn't help is that we often don't get a lot of time together as a couple. I think we really need to try and get some more time together otherwise it just feels like we are co-parenting in parallel.

Apologies, that was long.

I work term time only. I have the kids in the holidays, DH books his annual leave in the school holidays too so that I have back up as much as possible! I book the kids periodically into childcare/holiday clubs so that I/we can have some child free time too. But I fully expect to have the kids the majority of the holidays.

I honestly feel a bit ashamed and inadequate about some of my feelings towards parenting after reading some of the comments here.

Looking after my young children is hard work, it's far harder than my actual job. I love them to bits and we do have lots of fun but it's not all sunshine and rainbows and I'm glad of any opportunity for a break and some 'me time'.

If I had to teach young children and then look after my own during all my time off I'd be at the point of burnout. So I can sympathise when my DH struggles with this (it's why we use paid childcare when we can afford to).

There are lots of threads on here about mums reaching their limits and often the first response is 'can you use childcare?'. Should it be any different if a father says they are finding it hard?

I work school hours and term time only, although I'm not a teacher. I do all the after school stuff and all the childcare in the holidays. At times it is draining, but I've found booking DCs into a holiday club just for half a day occasionally gives everyone the much needed break they need from each other, so we can enjoy each other's company once again when reunited. DH very occasionally has to use some AL to cover me when something comes up, but that is rarely more than a half day at a time. However, even then DH only takes 1 or 2 AL days a year that are 'for himself'.
It saves us a fortune and it has been a conscious decision. I would be telling DH to get a grip in your position OP!

Could you not pay for childcare during some of the summer holidays say the week following the summer break and maybe one day a week each week and then the last week of the summer holidays ? Not sure how old the kids are but unless he wants to spend more money on childcare what does he expect? All other time off I’d expect him to look after the kids most people don’t get time off but I do think the full 6/7 weeks in the summer can be gruelling ! Or like other posters have suggested summer clubs for a day here and there would be good just to give him some time to relax here and there and get some work prepared for returning back in the September .

I am a teacher, my partner is not.
I am so grateful for the holidays off with the kids. We are aware my partner gets a lot less holiday. I hate would hate to be in his position. He has to take off all their INSET days too, as I can't, which doesn't leave much. We get no support from anyone else.

I’m the teacher in this scenario. DH is self employed so doesn’t take time off unless we are actually going away.

I genuinely relish the time off with the children, though I do appreciate it is wearing giving your all to the children you teach in term time and then launching straight into doing the same in holidays. I do use the odd nursery day in the holidays (children are toddler and preschooler age) but that’s it, and we don’t ask grandparents for help as they do term time childcare.

I can see both sides of the story and yes, I do long for a couple of hours where no one under the age of 11 is talking incessantly at me…but when you have children you generally accept that your time is no longer your own until they are older.

I am a teacher with no family help available during holidays. I intend to leave my child in crèche 1 - 2 days a week during summer holidays as I don't want to lose her place and it'll be good for both of us I think 😅 OH takes holidays during the time I am off for us to spend time as a family

• use the odd nursery day in the holidays for me to do planning/go into school. Sadly not to relax!

I'm employed, my husband is self employed. He has the odd unpaid day off to look after the kids as while I get a generous amount of holiday it's not enough for all school holidays, but we can't afford for him to do that much. So ALL of my annual leave is used to cover as much school hols as possible. I thought this was pretty normal while having young kids, and I think your husband is being a bit unreasonable to feel this is very unfair. It's just life with school age kids.

That being said, I don't enjoy much of the holidays with them. I think I will, every time I look forward to it, then the reality is a relentless and boring grind of housework, arguing kids and spending money doing things I'm not interested in doing. So I understand why it's hard for him. This half term I paid for them to go to a holiday club for a day and it was wonderful to get a break. So I don't think it would be unreasonable, if you can afford it, to book a few days of holiday club so he gets some time.

I think the issue needs to be reframed - it's not you vs him and you somehow preventing him from having time to himself (time you don't get either). The issue is all day everyday singlehandedly with kids can be difficult - not your fault OP. It sounds like neither of you get days to yourself so I don't quite get how he thinks it'd be fair for him to get this while you don't. That's the unreasonable bit.

The OP's DH needs to grown the fuck up. Where is the OP's "me time"? Ever?

I was a teacher and my late DH not. Once DC was in school, I did all the summer holidays. Occasional summer clubs but they were often not interesting, so infrequently used. Nursery was different as the contract was for year-round care.

Should have said, no family anywhere near, and never asked a friend to take DC.

I'm a teacher; DH is a lecturer. He gets a more than reasonable amount of holiday but struggles to take it all due to workload and it has to be booked at certain times of year.

I am the default carer in school holidays (he does more in termtime and does the awkward days where my and DD's terms don't coincide) but what I don't understand about your situation is why this is your problem to solve?

I do like spending time with my daughter of course. But I also book the odd day of holiday club, book her into activities where I don't have to stay and prioritise meetups with friends where she likes their children too. I need a bit of childcare to keep on top of work too. It's miserable to go back off half-term with a heap of essays still to mark.

I don't expect DH to organise any of this!

He's a parent. what did he expect to do in the holidays?

Are you taking holidays during term time and having time without the kids? If so, it's perfectly reasonable of him to expect some time in his holidays to himself. I think it's better to think about this in terms of free time. Should you pay for holiday clubs so he gets free time and you never get time over the year? No.

Well... my partner is a teacher. He isn't my childrens father (he walked away from them before one of them was even born). They are 10 and 7. One has autism and adhd.
He looks after them without complaint whatsoever during all the holidays. Admittedly I work 3 days a week, but none the less, I only get to take about 4 weeks in the school holidays out of my 9 weeks annual leave. He never ever complains, it is never in question whether he will look after them. He just does, along with his own 6 year old who he has half the holidays for. I have made sure that I book them in to holiday clubs (the £10 a day 9-3 sports club type ones) at least once a week in the 4 weeks I'm not off over summer. And I make sure he gets time to himself for his hobby on one of my days off. He fits in his extra work that he needs to do in holidays around everything else.
On the other side, I help him in many, many ways. He wouldn't have been a teacher without my help, support and financial contribution so it is all swings and roundabouts. We made our choices together and neither of us complain as we want to be a family and all want to make it work.
Your dh is being incredibly selfish given they are his own bloody children! There are also 2 days where you are off to give him a day to himself.

When you are a parent things stop being ‘your own’ so he needs to amend that mindset for a start.

So those who work from home get told time and time again that it isn't possible yet teachers are told to suck it up?

*nonetheless

I personally don’t get it. It’s a very lucky situation to be in. Me and my DH both work office jobs and we will have to alternate leave to cover the holidays. that’s what most people have to do! Surely there will be some time you can take off to tag him out? But it’s part and parcel of his job I’d say 🤷🏻‍♀️ most people don’t get that many weeks off a year!

Neither DH or I are teachers, so we use a mix of annual leave and holiday club to cover school holidays (no family to help). For summer we would aim to have a week off each and a week off together as well. I keep track of it all on a spreadsheet!

However, neither of us would begrudge the other an occasional day off to themselves, whether it’s a days leave during term time or a day off while DD is in holiday club. Without any family nearby to help out, we don’t get a break otherwise, and DD enjoys holiday club.

So I do have sympathy with your DH that he doesn’t get a break while you’ve said you get the occasional day off to yourself. I’d draw the line at organising/ paying for it yourself, though!

All parents AL stops being their own when they have children. Do you spend AL days doing stuff alone or with your kids? Why doesn’t he pay for a couple of holiday club days a week for the long summer break? He’s being totally unreasonable

It’s interesting to see it from this perspective (and your dh does seem unreasonable). I am a teacher and dh is not. I admit that holidays can be challenging, but I see it as an opportunity to make up some of the family time that I’ve missed whilst working late/marking on weekends. I wouldn’t view it as a “missed” holiday because it’s still more laid back than the usual daily grind, and if I plan some fun activities with friends, the time usually passes quite pleasantly. In the 6 week hols, my eldest will go to some clubs and we do get sone help from family too.

When you have kids then your time just isn't your own in the way it was when you didn't have kids. Expectations have to change whether one likes it or not. So as a teacher he gets time where child care is needed and he is not working. As a father it is entirely reasonable that in your partnership he should take on that childcare. Equally he may want to make sure that he arranges things so that he does get at least some time to himself. Book them intoi a holiday club for a week (money allowing) or even a day or two, and that time is HIS. Maybe you can take a couple of days to look after the kids and he has some time then, But effectively the circumstances you are both in with your jobs is within your partnership and this is about working out together how you can both be parents and get a bit of time and spend tine as a family.

I get it, it is relentless, simile to Mat leave. If you can afford it I’d book them into childcare one day a week

I am a teacher/ta. DH is not. I have always done all the holiday childcare.

Me and DH are not teachers but we work out holiday (his allowance is more than mine) so we have an equal amount of our own days each per year, this year we have 3 each 😂, the rest are all covering kids holidays! This year is the first year we have actually arranged to have a week off as a family! Days for us are the very occasional weekend, where the grandparents kindly have the kids, I think we may have managed 4 dates in total last year! That’s just the way it is when you have kids is it not?!