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School holidays

Find half term and school holiday activity ideas.

Original poster

Childcare when you're a teacher and your partner is not or vice versa

429 replies

TheThinWhiteDutchess · 23/02/2023 08:53

I'd love to hear experiences of couples where one of you is a teacher and one is not. How do you manage the school holidays? Does one of you end up doing childcare during the holidays when your partner works?

My DH is a teacher, I am not, I work in a 9-5 office job. So this means that he has the school holidays off at the same time as the kids. You'd think this would be wonderful for childcare costs but in reality it seems to cause so much tension in our relationship as his holidays are never 'his own'. This I feel is compounded by the fact that we don't have a lot of childcare help from family. It all feels a bit relentless sometimes.

Part of me feels massively guilty about it, but I genuinely do not have enough holiday to cover even half the school holidays. I just don't know what to do. It's making me so stressed and unhappy. I think I need to bite the bullet and pay for some holiday club so that DH gets some him time.

But then again, I am working and that work contributes to the household. Although I have the occasional day off to do something fun, the vast majority of my days off are with the kids. I try to cover any medical appointments they need as I can obviously take holiday when I want whereas it is more complicated for DH.

We've gone round in circles about it so many times that I have genuinely lost sight of what is reasonable and what is not. I know different things work for different people and families. I almost feel like we need some outside help to resolve all this tension.

Something that doesn't help is that we often don't get a lot of time together as a couple. I think we really need to try and get some more time together otherwise it just feels like we are co-parenting in parallel.

Apologies, that was long.

OP posts:
OhNoNotThatAgain · 23/02/2023 20:32

Beezknees · 23/02/2023 09:08

Well that's the reality of being a parent, your holidays aren't "your own" any more. Do you get to take any time off of your own that isn't childcare? Doubt it.

^ This. It is what parents do, whether they are teachers or not.

Mind you, I suppose if I were a teacher I'd feel like I needed a break from all children.

Muminthebluecoat · 23/02/2023 20:33

Neither me or DH or teachers. We use all our holidays doing childcare at seperate times other than our family holiday. None of our holiday is "our own" but I'd rather be off with the kids than on my own anyway. You can book holiday clubs for the odd days you want your own time but realistically using holiday to cover childcare is just part of being a working parent.

RockyReef · 23/02/2023 20:34

I can't see how it's any different whether you / your partner are teachers or any other job. Once your children are school age (or even pre school age) then you have to cover the holidays between you. If one of the parents is a teacher then it's obviously a lot easier, as they can do the majority of that'm school holiday childcare. But when both parents work and have ordinary holidays then what tends to happen is it's rare for both parents to be on leave at once and so when one is on leave it's because they are looking after the children. If your partner is so desperate for time to himself, then maybe you could offer to take some of your leave during the holidays so he can do his own thing? That's not a privilege most parents get though - I know we don't but equally we love spending all our time off with our children.

LadyRoughDiamond · 23/02/2023 20:36

It’s literally one of the main reasons why I retrained as a teacher, so that I could do the childcare during the school holidays. Well, that and the glamorous travel and designer freebies joke

AnotherEmma · 23/02/2023 20:36

"I think I need to bite the bullet and pay for some holiday club so that DH gets some him time."

Wait, what? Please tell me this was a typo? Surely you both need to pay for the holiday clubs?! Also, do you get "you" time?!

He is not being unreasonable to want a bit of child-free annual leave, but I think you need to look at it together and work it out so that both of you get some.

Cakeandcardio · 23/02/2023 20:37

I'm a teacher, DH isn't. He has the flexibility to finish earlier if I have to attend a meeting etc. Our DS currently attends nursery and we can't get term time so as we are paying during the holidays, we just keep him in and I do the cleaning etc. BUT... when he goes to school I will have full responsibility for childcare in my holidays. DH might take some time off so we can do family activities but there will be no "me time". I think that's reasonable and very fair. And also life. I couldn't imagine putting my child into a club so I could do nothing all day. Nor could I imagine my husband using his precious holidays so he could have DS if I was off anyway. It's hard when life is busy but the reality is that life with children means there is very little time alone anyway.

MotherThyme · 23/02/2023 20:38

My OH is a teacher and looks after ours during his holidays, and has never made me feel this way. It's hard work but his happy to do and they enjoy their time. I don't have enough A/L to take it off with them but I do take some time there and then some of my days are used as I'll have to be the one to take leave during term time for sickness etc.

We do occasionally do a day of childcare in holidays and take day off together. Not very often but makes a nice change to do something just the two of us.

OneCup · 23/02/2023 20:41

I am a lecturer. My husband doesn't work in education.

I look after DC:
Easter
4 weeks of the summer holidays
May half term
Christmas holidays

My husband takes days off to look after DC over:
October half term
February half term.
(although we may send DC to day camp for a day or two)

He also takes two weeks off in the summer that we use for a family holiday.
He keeps a few days to cover in case DC get ill/have medical appointment/inset days/ school strike.

So I guess we never have me time per se but I feel incredibly fortunate we can spend so much time with DC over the holidays.

AegonT · 23/02/2023 20:41

My DH is a teacher and I'm not. I take all my leave in the school holidays so there are several weeks he doesn't have them on his own. The other weeks he enjoys having them but we do use some childcare/holiday clubs. It allows him to work and do DIY and gets the kids socialising with other kids and learning new skills.

DragonsFurry · 23/02/2023 20:41

OP I find your DH’s attitude strange, especially as he’s a teacher of kids/young people!!! Does he not like his own?….What does he think female teachers with kids do in the holidays?

PeapodBurgundy · 23/02/2023 20:42

I'm a teacher, but I work in FE so I don't get the holidays off. I get annual leave, which I can only put in during holidays. I can also build up time owed in lieu by working open events etc outside of my normal working hours which again, I can take outside of term time. Their Dad will pick them up from the childminder on these occasions to allow me to build this time up.

We're separated now, but co-parent reasonably effectively, so things haven't really changed in terms of childcare.

School holidays are always done primarily by me using AL/TOIL. During school holidays the childminder allows me to redistribute my wraparound care hours to put them in for a day and a half (ish) at the same cost, which helps my AL go further as I don't get anywhere near enough to cover all of the school holidays. Their Dad uses some of his AL to cover sick days for the DC, as his job there is minimal fallout from taking a last minute day off for him. With our staffing at present, it causes chaos if somebody is off unexpectedly. He will also often put in AL on a Friday in advance of a bank holiday and take them for a long weekend. This leaves both of us with some time away from work and away from the DC. Mine is used to catch up on marking/housework mainly, but I can do it in peace without feeling guilty that I'm neglecting DC.

It works for us. As PP have said, using childcare strategically could work here, and give you the chance to have family time, couple time and solo time even if this is minimal in places.

mumnosbest · 23/02/2023 20:43

It's the other way around in our house. I'm the teacher. I love having my holiday with the kids. It's one of the only things I still like about my job and a reason I wanted to teach. I actually feel sorry for DH when we're all off and he misses out. Let him know how lucky he is. Your DC will grow up before he knows it!

MarvellousMonsters · 23/02/2023 20:44

There are two issues here:

  1. Most non-teaching/education based staff don't have enough annual leave to cover all the school holidays. In these families both parents take as much time off as they can, rarely together, and hope for some help from grandparents, friends etc. None of this annual leave is 'their own' it's all used for childcare.
  1. Why is it you don't hear mums who are teachers complaining that none of their 'school holidays' are "their own"? Is it because it's assumed that staying home with the kids during school holidays is automatically 'Wimmins Werk' yet your DH seems to think he's entitled to 'me time' Hmm

If you take annual leave during the school holidays will you be able to have 'me time'? Or will your DH expect you to take responsibility for the kids, so he can have 'his time' ?

Ultimately all my annual leave was taken up by school holidays, and none of it was 'my time' until my children were old enough not to need constant supervision

Your DH needs to either suck it up and parent his children, or pay for holiday activities.

Survey99 · 23/02/2023 20:45

Tell him his holidays are absolutely "his own", to spend doing whatever he wants with "his children".

I really couldnt be doing with a dh who saw his own children as a chore. If he didnt want to spend his time with them wtf did he have them 🤷🏻‍♀️

Pardon44 · 23/02/2023 20:45

I would put the kids in holiday club , if you can afford it, for the short half terms. In the summer holidays I would put the kids in holiday club the first and last week. I would take 2 weeks A/L for a break together and the rest he should be able to manage.

Axahooxa · 23/02/2023 20:48

If you get to take annual leave to do fun stuff, then so does he. Make it fair in this respect, if you can- you take a few days off in school holidays to give him a rest.

Groovee · 23/02/2023 20:49

I’m not a teacher but I do work term time. My kids are grown up now so my holidays are mine. But when they were younger they both did a week at a holiday club at Easter and Summer. Dd usually did drama 9.30-3pm and Ds did football 10-3pm. It helped relieve things and cost about £40/50 per child. Dh used to try to take time too too if we weren’t away to do days out.

Axahooxa · 23/02/2023 20:49

@Survey99 I do sometimes find looking after my own children to be a chore!

JelloFishy · 23/02/2023 20:50

Another teacher here. I love having the holidays off with my kids! Husband does the term time appointments and illnesses and I do all the school holidays. He will take the odd day off with us or a holiday.

I get me time when I'm ill, but not before I have written all my cover! 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Beetlejuice43 · 23/02/2023 20:50

I’m so angry. I’m a teacher and I’ve never said anything like this to my partner. I loved having this time with my kids. He is being deeply selfish and he needs to get a grip.

Ladybirdlashes · 23/02/2023 20:50

My DH is a teacher, we have no family to rely on for childcare so he does most of the holidays, plus I take most of my holiday in the holidays and we spend that time together as a family. However as Dd is in preschool I do book her in for one day for each week of the holidays that way if I take two weeks in summer for example then we have two days to spend together and it also gives him time to do his planning or whatever he needs.

This works well for us now but did take a couple of years of adjusting for dh, softplay with toddler dd was quite different to golf!

byebye2022 · 23/02/2023 20:50

I'm a teacher. Have always had school holidays and always had the kids with me. Dh takes time off to spend time with the family. When you have kids your holidays are never "days to yourself" in my experience.

Harls1969 · 23/02/2023 20:50

Hmmm - if it was the other way around and you were the teacher, would it be an issue?
That's how it was for us and I loved being able to be off at the same time as our kids and thought I was really lucky that this was the case.
Remind him that he is a parent too

Ideatcakeforbreakfast · 23/02/2023 20:51

I'm a full-time teacher and my partner is not therefore I've always done holidays. I have never resented this at all as we both chose to have a child. I do however resent being the only one to organised childcare when I have inservice days or parents nights which makes me feel like it's my fault. Is the issue because your husband sees child-rearing as predominantly your job that he resents it? Would it be the same if you were the teacher and he wasn't? Seems odd to me for you to pay holiday club when he's the one who wants a 'break' from the kids. If he wants a break surely he should organise holiday club?

Mamansparkles · 23/02/2023 20:51

It would never occur to me to complain about looking after my own children in the holidays, I'm just relieved I can to save on childcare costs! They do go in holiday club for 2 weeks in the summer (to coincide with results days) though and I work full time those two weeks to get as much work done as possible.
The flipside is DH can be more flexible for things like medical appointments, plays, sick days and he does probably two thirds of the child sick days in termtime because he can do bits of work from home.
Your DH is so so unreasonable.