Childcare when you're a teacher and your partner is not or vice versa

[TheThinWhiteDutchess]

I'd love to hear experiences of couples where one of you is a teacher and one is not. How do you manage the school holidays? Does one of you end up doing childcare during the holidays when your partner works?

My DH is a teacher, I am not, I work in a 9-5 office job. So this means that he has the school holidays off at the same time as the kids. You'd think this would be wonderful for childcare costs but in reality it seems to cause so much tension in our relationship as his holidays are never 'his own'. This I feel is compounded by the fact that we don't have a lot of childcare help from family. It all feels a bit relentless sometimes.

Part of me feels massively guilty about it, but I genuinely do not have enough holiday to cover even half the school holidays. I just don't know what to do. It's making me so stressed and unhappy. I think I need to bite the bullet and pay for some holiday club so that DH gets some him time.

But then again, I am working and that work contributes to the household. Although I have the occasional day off to do something fun, the vast majority of my days off are with the kids. I try to cover any medical appointments they need as I can obviously take holiday when I want whereas it is more complicated for DH.

We've gone round in circles about it so many times that I have genuinely lost sight of what is reasonable and what is not. I know different things work for different people and families. I almost feel like we need some outside help to resolve all this tension.

Something that doesn't help is that we often don't get a lot of time together as a couple. I think we really need to try and get some more time together otherwise it just feels like we are co-parenting in parallel.

Apologies, that was long.

This is NOT about him being a teacher. It’s about him being a TW1T !!

when you are a parent and have children who need to be cared for you do not get “time to yourself” be that an evening or annual leave from your paid job unless you are lucky enough to have friends and family to do it for free or have paid someone to care for your children …. same if they are ill and unable to attend school.

he needs to suck up that this is parenting and enjoy spending time with your children. His children. The vast majority of us only get 4/5 weeks and have to share it, cover it or pay for the other 9 weeks (plus teacher days and sick days!).

he needs to realise quite how lucky he is!!

I suspect he’ll say he works hard during term time …. Well I work a 50+ hour week 47+ weeks of the year! (My choice) it’s not ONLY teachers who work hard.

Also, if OP’s DH is working fifty hours a week during term time AND doing a full time job during the holidays AND thinks OP should send the kids to holiday clubs so he can have “me time” then when does he ever do any actual parenting?

If you're a loving and mutually respectful relationship then most of the time you can and absolutely should be able to come up with something that allows you to have child-free time. It's really not unreasonable to expect this

The aspect of this that is bothering me and I suspect others is that, the way OP writes it, it sounds a bit like her DH thinks that their children are an inconvenience that need to be endured. Most teacher parents - even the ones who aren’t sanctimonious enough to enjoy their children’s company - acknowledge that time off with their kids in the holidays is one of the few good bits of the job. Nowhere in the post does OP give the impression that her DH feels this is the case. She even mentions that you would think that not having to arrange and pay for childcare over the holidays was a bonus, but all it does is create resentment because he has to look after the kids more than she does in the weeks when he’s not working.

It’s not so much that occasionally having child-free time should be a reasonable request, it’s more the tone of the post: OP actually feels guilty that her DH has to look after the kids while she is working. How is that reasonable?!

@Bedofroses2 to your comment -

'When I had my first, I learned that my time, body, sleep, holidays etc etc etc weren't mine anymore'

I've been stewing on this all day, but I disagree.

It is your choice to make your entire life and self about your children, but it doesn't have to be that way.

Yes, I'm a mother, and yes, I absolutely adore my children and give them all that I can, but I am also me, and I have needs.

I birthed and fed them, but my body is my own. I made that choice. They don't have the right to climb all over me when they want to, they ask me as they would anytime else.

I was lucky with sleep, but also keen to encourage good sleeping.

My time is divided mostly how I choose to spend it, I chose to go back to work, I enjoy working and being successful out of the family. I enjoy time with friends out of the family home.

Holidays, I enjoy spending time with them and having family holiday, but I also need time to myself, and time with my DH. He also needs time alone and gets it.

I am my own person, I have valid needs and wants outside of my being a mother. This doesn't make me a bad mother

The DH in question is simply asking for some time off, I don't think this makes him a bad parent, I think equally this isn't a sexist issue, women can and do get time off by sharing the workload with partners.

The problem is that OP hasn't actually specified how much time DH is asking for or how much time he actually has to himself currently. If he's asking for the whole summer off and shows little interest in actually enjoying time with them then of course this is unreasonable. If he wants just a few days (or maybe even hours) a year that he can truly call his own then it's hardly an unfair request providing that OP gets the same

I'm a teacher and unless we go away somewhere, I do all holiday childcare. We don't have any family help nearby, so that isn't an option. However, I do value time to myself, so once a week (slightly less in the summer) I book older DD into school holiday club for the day (which she loves thankfully) and younger DD into nursery (we pay for term time only, but we try to top up the tax free childcare when we can for these extra days). We are lucky to be able to afford to do that so I can have a day to myself. I feel very lucky we don't have to worry about childcare in the school hols. Could your DH book the DC into holiday club one day a week?

A few posters have said this but I am a bit confused by people saying things like this:

"I do all holiday childcare. But I book the kids into holiday clubs for xxx days a year" so you don't actually do all holiday childcare - which as per my other posts on this thread, I think is absolutely reasonable, but why claim otherwise?

@Theelephantinthecastle good point actually! I should have said MOST holiday childcare, bar one day a week!

@Theelephantinthecastle I forgot to add, maybe people meant 'all' as in their DP/DH does none, so they feel like it's 'all' childcare in comparison to their DP/DH, but you're right, 'all' isn't actually accurate if you have booked holiday club! I wrote 'all' without thinking properly (looooong day at work today!).

I agree @Rainbowsparkles29 but it sounds like this has been an issue for a long time with lots of going round in circles and a lot of resentment has built up over it. Asking for the kids to go to a holiday club for a few days during the holidays is such a reasonable request that I can’t see how it would have escalated into this much of a problem, so I can’t help feeling that he must be expecting more.

Ah maybe - you're not the only one, a few posters have said the same, I just find it confusing

Or the OP is one of the (many) posters on this thread who think it's totally unreasonable to have any time to yourself and she has been constantly saying things like "me time is obselete now you're a parent" (an actual quote from earlier in this thread

I think in my (and probably my husband’s too) mind, “time for me” is not something directly linked to annual leave. We try to make sure each of us has some free time to ourselves throughout the year - not loads, a few weekend hours each a month, evenings out separately - and also we are lucky to be able to get babysitting for occasional evening meals out together if we want them. And so far this has been enough whilst the children are small.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to want any time to yourself. Personally, however, I did accept that it wouldn’t be possible (in our particular circumstances) ever to have a whole day to myself before both kids were in school - an hour here or there has been enough of a break for me.

I’m a teacher, but so is my DH, so although neither of us has the kids on our own in the holidays, neither of us has a “day off” either (to be fair, we could do, we just don’t feel the need to). In OP’s DH’s position I’d simply hand the kids over to OP at the end of the day in the holidays and have my “me time” then - but in the OP’s situation, I wouldn’t begrudge my partner having the odd day off either (certainly not enough for it to escalate into this much of an issue, anyway!).

You might not resent him for it but plenty of posters in this thread would.

To pick just one quote (page 10) but there a dozens

As for the "me time".... oh please. I'm a parent

I think it's absolutely possible that it's blown up into an issue because the OP doesn't think even a single day or two without the kids is ok for her DH

If your DH wants time to himself during the holidays, HE needs to pay for a few days of childcare here and there. That's what I do as a teacher.

By the way, do YOU ever get time to yourself during YOUR holidays or is this only something men deserve?

DH is a HLTA & Cover Teacher, has been a TA since 2001. I've had mostly education jobs since then (generally careers roles) so get to take AL with him & AL during term. When we were younger & no tyke, I would feel royally cheesed-off by his long arse holidays, however since tyke, I've had mat leave, taken time off to do my masters (while working & caring for tyke also) and have had several diff jobs that have been p/t so in some ways I'm having the last laugh! Though I also have 3 health conditions and am 3.5 years off 50, so you know I'd rather be healthy, younger and more able to work f/t as I did as breadwinner for many years. These days we use a combo of stays at a grandparents', the odd day in paid holiday club and a fine-tuned bit of family time / time off each (eg I do the INSET days, sick days, we each have time out at weekend, etc.). We call it compromise - as blue-sky thinking is: we all have the same hols. Would also be lovely if hubby got more me time in the summer, but we're paid a pittance (less than 20k each), & summer clubs, etc cost a bomb. We're lucky DH's parents help & tyke wants to go, he has ASD & ADHD. This year has been a massive bind tho...we live in Wales & work in England, so I've had to take 2 lots of 2 or 3 days for e.g. 2 weeks in row for half term; bloody pain! All the LAs should have same hols IMO. Tho the week 19th-23rd Dec was gr8 cos tyke in school & we had loads of time together (FE college job so my work was closed too...back on 3rd Jan, tyke back on 9th :-( ).

I think it's absolutely possible that it's blown up into an issue because the OP doesn't think even a single day or two without the kids is ok for her DH

Why not stop your guessing about what's on the OP's mind and deal with what she says? It's clear enough.

Thanks for all the responses, ironically I haven't had time to respond to all as I've mostly been with the kids the past couple of days.

DH does a lot of parenting in the week, he does a few pick ups and a drop off and also does the majority of the cooking. Also, I try to take at least one day off per holiday, more if I can. Obviously more over the summer holidays.

Also, if he's had a few days with the kids then I take over when I'm off. I try and get them out without him when I can (occasionally this isn't possible depending on what's going on) so that he could have a day to do something fun or get work etc done.

I'm a HLTA so have the holidays off where my partner doesn't. I do the childcare during the holidays. I think it's different as teaching is so full on (I'm an ex teacher) that you do need the holidays to recover from the previous term. But as a teaching assistant, I don't feel like I need to recharge as much so have no problems with it.

THIS 100% agree

this is the reality for most people with children.

Wow. I work at a school (assistant in kindergarten) and the whole reason I wanted my job was to be able to have holidays with the kids.
Your husbands attitude seems very strange.
My husband is the main earner in our house, and I wouldn’t dream of asking him to take time off so I could have some me-time. If he has any time off (rare) then it’s to go away the four of us.
I would be worried about your dh’s attitude if I were you 😬

Being a teacher is a stressful job.
I personally never complained about having kids during school holidays but I understand where you DH coming from.
It just feels like you cant take a break from kids: the kids are at work and then they are at home. its 25/7 365 days of constant kids 😆. you just cant get away from them.

You both need yo work something out to give you DH a break, otherwise he will burn out and that wouldn't be any good.

I have seen that and it is not pretty.

Absolutely! If the teacher in the relationship was a woman this wouldn’t be a conversation. Holidays are a chance to spend time with your kids, surely. He is parent!!! I’m sure you’ll try and take a few days off to do family stuff or give him a break. Yep a week in holiday club too. Other than that he needs to get on with it or take a job with less holiday! 🤣