Childcare when you're a teacher and your partner is not or vice versa

[TheThinWhiteDutchess]

I'd love to hear experiences of couples where one of you is a teacher and one is not. How do you manage the school holidays? Does one of you end up doing childcare during the holidays when your partner works?

My DH is a teacher, I am not, I work in a 9-5 office job. So this means that he has the school holidays off at the same time as the kids. You'd think this would be wonderful for childcare costs but in reality it seems to cause so much tension in our relationship as his holidays are never 'his own'. This I feel is compounded by the fact that we don't have a lot of childcare help from family. It all feels a bit relentless sometimes.

Part of me feels massively guilty about it, but I genuinely do not have enough holiday to cover even half the school holidays. I just don't know what to do. It's making me so stressed and unhappy. I think I need to bite the bullet and pay for some holiday club so that DH gets some him time.

But then again, I am working and that work contributes to the household. Although I have the occasional day off to do something fun, the vast majority of my days off are with the kids. I try to cover any medical appointments they need as I can obviously take holiday when I want whereas it is more complicated for DH.

We've gone round in circles about it so many times that I have genuinely lost sight of what is reasonable and what is not. I know different things work for different people and families. I almost feel like we need some outside help to resolve all this tension.

Something that doesn't help is that we often don't get a lot of time together as a couple. I think we really need to try and get some more time together otherwise it just feels like we are co-parenting in parallel.

Apologies, that was long.

DH teacher, I’m pt in an office 9-5. He usually finishes term a week before dd, so gets that week and we book a club of some sort (usually related to her choice of activity) that covers a week so he gets some time to plan and work on subject knowledge as well as a bit of a breather. He goes back a week earlier than DD too so I always book that week off.

Half terms and Easter are a bit variable, I tend to take one day off in addition to my normal day off. I’ll have the kids on one of them but we’ll do something as a family on the other. Mostly I don’t take much leave so I can cover those that don’t align with his term dates and i always take Christmas off.

When dd was smaller she’d do a week in a activity based club at Easter. It’s a lot less necessary now she’s much older.

I am a teacher and dh isn’t. Our kids are now older, I always used to class the holidays as just that… holidays! I didn't use holiday clubs and we have no family around to help. They were way more chilled, we weren’t rushing around making packed lunches, don’t have homework to do, a couple of trips to the park and various other things a week aren’t that difficult to do. I think his attitude to ‘Me time’ is a bit more disturbing. But clearly it is a problem to him so the only solution is to book them into a holiday club, on the understanding that the funds will come out of the family budget. What was his assumption In the beginning about holiday childcare, I think it is a natural assumption that whoever has the longest holiday entitlement would look after them.

I’m not a teacher but I work term time only. My husband works full time. It because he works full time I work term time. This is so one parent (me 😂) be off with the kids in the holidays. Surely this is the ideal situation?! He needs to get a grip! I’m assuming your own annual leave is model used for holidays/ family stuff rather than weeks away in Ibiza with your mates?! 🤣

Agree that he has the wrong attitude for a parent. I think the only way will be to pay for some childcare over the holidays but only a few days! He can do the rest! Do you think it’s because he spends all his time with kids and needs time without kids? He shouldn’t have chosen to have children then!

I am the teacher in our family, husband works 9-5.30 office job with an hour/hour and a half commute.

I do all the school holiday childcare for our 2. Only time I pay for clubs are if I'm doing extra work sessions in the holidays.
My holidays are never my own, but I don't mind, I just do fun things/things I feel like doing, with the kids in tow. We tend to do 2 days out and about and 3 days local/home. DH takes a week at Christmas, 2 weeks in the summer at either end of the holidays and then a day or 2 in the half terms/Easter break.

It does at times feel a bit frustrating that I never get time to myself, but I try to sort something for myself with friends at the weekend/evenings.

im a lot more sympathetic to the “six continuous weeks of looking after small children mostly on your own is a bit of a slog” complaint than I am to the one about holidays not being “your own” any more. The latter applies to all parents, the former to anyone who works termtime only or is a SAHP

How about in the longer holidays you advertise for a student to help out. Babysitting and/or taking them out. Or you if you have a spare bedroom a summer au pair.

Sorry to hear that your DH is so selfish! Both hubby & I both worked when the children were young. Younger one went to after school club in the holidays and the older one went to clubs for some of the holidays. I would take holiday to care for them during part of the holidays and he would for others. We would spend a lot of time working a 2 week holiday in the summer or a week during a half term. It was always difficult when one was ill, DH sometimes managed to work from home otherwise I would have to take unpaid leave.

They are our children and we are responsible for their welfare. Sometimes we would have loved a break on our own but it wasn't really possible. When the children were babies my parents would have them for a weekend but as they got older it was no longer possible. Bottom line is that he can't be a part-time parent.

I was a teacher the whole of my working life and am shocked with your partner’s attitude. They are his dc. Would YOU be moaning if situation was reversed and you were the teacher. No, I doubt it as you are a mother and it’s your ‘job’ to look after dc but as father, he needs ‘me’ time. I never ever had any ‘me’ time in school holidays/Half term etc nor would I have expected it. Where I went, dc went, even when I went into school to set up, sort things out etc, dc had to come with me (and were bribed with a visit to MacDonalds!). They are his dc. He should enjoy his time with them. Children grow up fast and he’ll have plenty of ‘me’ time then.

Should add that an alternative would be to have shared days with other parents so you would have their cherubs for a couple of days and they would have yours. I did that and it can work to give a bit of peace.

How much ‘me time’ do you get? I didn’t have any for the first 12 or so years of being a parent and my ex is a teacher. You could choose to pay for holiday clubs but I suppose then you would have to agree on something else in the family budget that would have to give.

omg He sounds like a complete twat , bringing children into the world is a joint responsibility
he needs a bloody reality check.
questioning why he’s a teacher if he doesn’t even what to spend time with his own
so sorry for you.
tell him to grow up and get he’s shit together

Single parent and a teacher here. Youngest DD is now a teenager so holidays have a lot more flexibility for time to do my own thing. When mine were younger I relished the holidays to spend time with them though, we went on days out, went for long walks/ bike rides, went out for nice lunches/cake, had picnics and sometimes just stayed at home and baked or had a duvet day on the sofa with movies and popcorn. It was lush!

I practically have to bribe her to go out for a day with me in the holidays now and I really miss it. If he's trying to just entertain them at home all the time then yes that would wear a little thin, but he needs to see it as less of a chore! You don't get those years back and they are precious.

Erm what? I can’t even imagine complaining about this scenario. Surely pretty much all holidays of working parents are taken when the kids aren’t at school. If it’s affordable for you, perhaps the odd holiday club here and there but I wouldn’t dream of complaining about this scenario. It’s the main perk of teaching for most.

DH and I both work in schools but we still put DD in a holiday club for a week to break up the holidays for her and so we could have some child-free time. In reality, we usually ended up decorating or doing other DIY that she would have been bored if we were doing while she was around but it worked for us.

Hi, I think eventually we will experience the same. I currently have a 6week old, so the main caregiver as on mat leave now until end of Dec. Will have to put her in daycare when I’m back at work in Jan. My problem is having to pay for the nursery year round even when I’m on School holiday.
However, as she gets older I would be looking at local activities to join in with so all the time is spent solely me during school holiday and most likely enrol is activities and clubs once she get older. As far as I am aware lots of local sport centres, children centres and schools do some half term activities that you can enrol you child/children in that aren’t too expensive.

I wouldn’t feel guilty, there’s nothing you can do about it. If your partner wasn’t a teacher, then you would have to get some kind of childcare anyway.

My husband's a teacher, but his holidays don't always match up with our children's holidays. He has the kids when they're off at the same time and I often take a day or two of leave for us to go away as a family. I use my leave to have the kids when their holidays don't match up. I also use my leave to take them to every appointment, attend every school play etc and it's always me that picks them up if they're poorly or looks after them if they're off school sick. He doesn't have his 'own' time during the school holidays (unless it's the odd few days when our kids are still at school and he's not) and I don't have my 'own' time when I take annual leave either.

I’m a teacher although very part time now. When I was working full time I felt lucky to be able to have my children with me during my school holidays and not in holiday childcare - my DH worked but it was just never an issue. What does he want to do so much that he can’t do with his children? I got to do all the lovely fun lazy summer days with the kids whilst he worked. I think I had the better deal.

Teacher here. Husband is busiest during the summer so I do all the childcare. We have 3 spread over a 5 year age gap.
I am ready for the backlash here but I must admit I have struggled a bit in the past. The job during term time means that you are juggling the needs of lots of young people and your day and evening naturally is very timetabled. When it comes to the holiday you are kind of doing the same with your own children (eldest is 14). The kids have quite different needs so sometimes you feel that you can’t win as you cannot do activities that suit all 3 and you are trying to think of ways to entertain them on a budget. It also feels that when it comes to meal times you have 3 individuals who also want you to cater to their individual likes/dislikes 3 times a day. You are also referee for multiple disagreements!
I have felt in the past that I haven’t actually had any break away from the kids. A few years ago I booked a weekend away with a friend at the start of the holidays. It made a massive difference just to pick up a book and fully chill out. It meant I was refreshed for their holiday. Might be tricky but perhaps booking in some time for just your husband (and you) to get away for a short break might actually make a massive difference.

I have other teacher friends who also find the looming holiday a little daunting as they know they will be doing sole childcare for most of the day.

My husband's a teacher, I find your husband's attitude quite depressing! My husband does loads with the kids when I'm at work in the holidays, I usually feel jealous they're off having a nice time together! It's a relief for me during the holidays just to go into work without having to get the kids sorted and do the school run before I go. Surely being in a family is all give and take. I do all school related stuff during term time because he can't and he takes the flack more in the holidays.

Do you get days off for ‘you time?’ If not why would DH feel that he should get them?

She says so in the OP

I have the occasional day off to do something fun

I am a teacher. My husband is not. He works offshore though so when he is home the kids are in school and usually continue to go to childminder, although he does pick them up earlier than normal. When he is home he does the lions share of dinners, washing etc we have a little tension over some things hut for the most part he accepts when he is home he still gets a break while the kids are in school. I do everything while he is away. During school holidays I have the kids, I don’t see it as childcare, I see it as holiday for us all. However I do put them into holiday clubs, it’s not expensive and usually it’s from 10-3 so not long days but I get some time to exercise, run errands etc. I don’t even run this past my husband, I just do it. I see it as my responsibility to organise childcare or clubs for time I want to myself during the holidays. YOU should not feel guilty, you should however be ok with or encourage him to look at holiday clubs and sign them up for anything he wishes. Agree a budget of money is tight. Our childcare costs still go down in the summer as our childminder is just term time so holiday clubs are nothing compared to our normal costs. I also organise some play date swaps with other parents. He needs to take the lead with this, you should be worrying about work. Sometimes when we are both off we also use holiday clubs, the kids like it and we get a lunch date or two. Are you stopping him signing them up or does he expect you to organise his time off off????

I do sympathise with this - being the sole person in charge for a number of weeks on end is hard going. That’s not the same as complaining that your AL isnt your own - I struggled in lockdowns with husband out at work all week and me dealing with children at home with me alone for weeks on end. Everyone needs a break every now and then, we just can’t tie it to annual leave.

I agree, it is a shame to miss out but I feel enormously relieved and lucky not to have to worry about covering most of the holidays like many of my colleagues with non-teacher partners.