Childcare when you're a teacher and your partner is not or vice versa

[TheThinWhiteDutchess]

I'd love to hear experiences of couples where one of you is a teacher and one is not. How do you manage the school holidays? Does one of you end up doing childcare during the holidays when your partner works?

My DH is a teacher, I am not, I work in a 9-5 office job. So this means that he has the school holidays off at the same time as the kids. You'd think this would be wonderful for childcare costs but in reality it seems to cause so much tension in our relationship as his holidays are never 'his own'. This I feel is compounded by the fact that we don't have a lot of childcare help from family. It all feels a bit relentless sometimes.

Part of me feels massively guilty about it, but I genuinely do not have enough holiday to cover even half the school holidays. I just don't know what to do. It's making me so stressed and unhappy. I think I need to bite the bullet and pay for some holiday club so that DH gets some him time.

But then again, I am working and that work contributes to the household. Although I have the occasional day off to do something fun, the vast majority of my days off are with the kids. I try to cover any medical appointments they need as I can obviously take holiday when I want whereas it is more complicated for DH.

We've gone round in circles about it so many times that I have genuinely lost sight of what is reasonable and what is not. I know different things work for different people and families. I almost feel like we need some outside help to resolve all this tension.

Something that doesn't help is that we often don't get a lot of time together as a couple. I think we really need to try and get some more time together otherwise it just feels like we are co-parenting in parallel.

Apologies, that was long.

One of the benefits of teaching is having the relaxed holidays and not needing childcare but I can imagine the 6 week summer holiday probably does feel like a bit of a slog and I don’t think he’s unreasonable to want a few days to himself. I’d maybe look at something the kids really want to do for a week (whether sport or theatre camp etc). You do have much more choice if you’re not dependent on working hours and could do 1/2 days etc.

I'm not a teacher but all my holidays are always half terms as only child care! So I think it's the same for many.

Surely it’s a massive perk to be able to spend time with your kids and not have to fork out childcare ! I think he’s very lucky ! If he needs a day off get him to pay for childcare for the a couple of days each of half term. I guess you have some annual leave so 4 / 5 weeks your around ? Though bet your not giving yourself a ‘day off’ ! Don’t feel guilty about the situation at all.

Agree with a comment further up - when you have young kids your annual leave allocation - for any job - is used for childcare in the school holidays. This is standard. It's "not your own'. Now I have the standard 5-6 weeks AL so my allocation doesn't cover the 13 weeks holiday, so I would use clubs to put them in while I worked. To have a "me day" I might not work one day they were in club.

So is your DH expecting 6 weeks of summer all to himself? That's unreasonable, and not fair on the kids. Suggest if he wants some 'me time' that's reasonable to have kids in a club for that time. Change club for babysitter/nanny etc as per your situation

I don’t have enough annual leave to take a day “for myself” when children are at school/childcare. I’m ok with that, and I’m not a teacher and see how stressful that job is, but my job is also very stressful and I don’t get to have hot coffee or go to the loo when I want - this isn’t a complaint, just how it is. My husband and I try to give each other more regular breaks throughout the year. I have no problem with teachers using childcare during holidays to work or get a break or whatever, if you can afford it then do it - but that is a perk from my POV, to have enough leave to be able to do that - I don’t have enough AL to be able to use any “for myself”.

What I can’t fathom is that most of the teacher parents I know feel guilty about the time they miss with their own children during term time. They are often working late, bringing work home, missing things like sports days etc because they can’t get the time off, having to send their kids to school when they’re not really well enough, etc etc. For most teachers who are also parents, a large part of the stress of the job is the guilt we feel at giving more time to other people’s children than we do our own.

That’s why I’m struggling to understand OP’s DH’s attitude here. If he finds 6 weeks with his own children too much, then fine, she does all the childcare when she gets home from work in the evening (I reckon it’s more than likely she does this during term time anyway) and more of it during holiday weekends (maybe all of it some weekend days?).

The teaching profession is genuinely in crisis and all we hear in response is “but you get 13 weeks off a year”. Any teacher saying “I know! And I have to spend it with my own kids! Can you imagine how hard that is?!” doesn’t exactly help our cause…

So in our family it's DH who works in an education setting (not a teacher but mostly works in schools so he has school holidays off, bar a couple of weeks).

We had similar chats about him feeling like he didn't have down time, but the solution we picked in the end is that I use some of my holiday to take the kids to visit my family, without DH, so he'll get a few days to himself. He'll be returning the favour in the summer by taking the kids with him to see family which means that while I'll have work during the day, I'll have some evenings to myself (and a weekend or two).

Sitting down and talking about what it is that is frustrating him could be a good start: DH had been used to having the long holidays where he could do what he wanted and seemed to struggle with their loss more than the other post kids stuff. Putting a name on it meant we were able to have a proper discussion about what was reasonable to be expected and where compromises could be found, that suit both of you. In our case we have some leave in common as family time, and some where one of us is taking care of the kids but the other has some down time. When looking after the kids solo, we also have the option of inviting someone to stay - parent, friend, etc. The kids love having someone else in the house and it provides adult company for whichever one of us is doing the childcare.

For time as a couple, we have reserved one evening a week where the kids get fed and put to bed then we have dinner together after. No idea what time your kids go to bed but in our case it means dinner is about 9pm so a bit late but achievable for of us and we do it on a Friday so that there isn't work the next morning. This gives us a bit of time each week specifically reserved for us as a couple where we can talk about stuff, enjoy a dinner without kids, and just be adults. We don't have local family/childcare so this is done at home.

Surely what is reasonable is that you get an equal amount of time that is your "own"? If you're not taking more of that than he is then it's not your problem to solve. It's both of your problem as a couple to do what you can for the health of the kids, the family, the relationship, and yourselves as individuals....
If he's feeling he needs more time on his own what are his suggestions for this can be achieved in a reasonable way that's fair to everyone?
It's not easy for either or you, or anyone that has a family x

Have you heard of the fair play documentary? It has some really good ideas for how you can actually make sure you both understand and take on different roles and feel that it’s fair
www.fairplaylife.com

I think the vast majority of parents spend most of their holiday allowance with their children with holiday clubs and family to make up the difference. I do have some time off without the kids but that’s because it’s not possible to take all my leave in school holidays because we can’t have so many people off at once.

That said, the odd day (or even week) at holiday club in the longer holidays would probably be good for dad and children so it’s worth thinking about.

But yeah, most people with children spend the majority of their holidays with said children and also don’t get 13 weeks of them.

I am the teacher in our marriage. I do all of the childcare in all holidays, like pps, we have some family nearby but they help us while I'm at work, so I never ask during the holidays. My kids are 1 and 3 and totally full on and exhausting, but I love being with them. When I had my first, I learned that my time, body, sleep, holidays etc etc etc weren't mine anymore.
See whether you can get a day here and there during the holidays, to give him a bit of a break, but otherwise I don't know why it's an issue, as long as you spend your AL with the children equally

I think you need to re-evaluate your relationship ! When you have kids , 'me' time becomes obsolete . What about your 'me' time ? He sounds very selfish and it comes across that your kids are sometimes an inconvenience to him . When we had our daughter , my late husband went part time to help care for her and financially we really struggled but I am glad he had that time with her as he died very suddenly at only 46 so at least she has some memories of him . Please look at counselling at the very least because in my opinion he has the total wrong idea of what being a father should mean !

I work in a school (none teaching) so have all the holidays off. I have never considered myself anything other than fortunate to be in this position. We don't have to stress about finding childcare in the holidays or about paying for expensive holiday clubs. On the flip side, I'm usually unavailable for dr appointments or when one of them is unwell during term time, that's when my husbands jobs flexibility is very useful.
When you have children, holiday time is never 'your own' time. No time is ever 'your own' time, ever again!

When you have kids , 'me' time becomes obsolete

When you have children, holiday time is never 'your own' time. No time is ever 'your own' time, ever again!

To the people saying this kind of thing - it's really not an absolute truth. I am a parent, I do take some days to myself. If you don't want any time to yourself or can't afford it, that's up to you but other parents can and do

I doubt there are many female teachers having the same conversation with their husbands! So many men have a problem when the larger share of the childcare falls to them, yet as a mother it’s just expected that this is your default
role 🙄

Neither are teachers. Annual leave is expended almost entirely on days involving child. That is life as a parent. Occasionally DH and I sneak in one day here and there.

if your household budget can afford some child care to give him some proper days off, that would be a nice perk, but it isn’t the default.

DH is a teacher and I work 9-3pm four days a week. He does all school holidays and I do all school runs as well as odd bits the children need during term time. Whilst we need to budget hard this schedule works for us. He does get super stressed with work as it does seem never ending so having me work less hours to overlook a lot of the home admin during term time helps. He is happy to have the kids and entertain them during school holidays as there's not much choice anyway. Now that the kids are older at 9 & 6 they are able to entertain themselves so it does get better. But he remembers days when he would take the older one swimming and have the baby in a car seat group 0 lugging it around pool changing area and how seemingly crazy it was. It can be tough when they are young but it isn't always going to be like this. The children will grow and perhaps he will appreciate the bond that he would have built with them during these times. Unless you want and can go part time, he'll just have to get on with it. I hope you can workout a plan whether its a day of paid childcare every so often or you working less hours.

I am a teacher, my husband isn't. During holidays I automatically assume it is my responsibility to take care of the children. My husband would only take holidays generally when I'm off too. It does suck a bit not to have any annual leave child free but that's just the name of the game.

I think as parents it healthy to have a bit of time away from our children every now and then and I can understand there might be things he wants to catch up on or do for himself. If you can afford it there are some very reasonable day camps and things for kids to do which would give him some space for this. I don't see the problem.

If you can afford it though I would definitely consider some summer activity clubs

The thing about teaching is that other than five weeks in the summer, all other "holiday" is actually spent working. Usually marking books or exam papers or prepping new Schemes of Work for the term ahead. Any seeming holiday is usually in lieu of working fifty hour weeks. It's tough if you're having to look after kids too. So when your DH is officially looking after the kids during half term, he's essentially trying to balance full time work with that. Maybe try to organise it so you do a couple of days so he can have some time, and encourage him to not work on those days. Your kids' medical appointments should ideally be during school holidays so plan them that way if you can.

The thing about teaching is that other than five weeks in the summer, all other "holiday" is actually spent working.

I do not doubt this is true for many, many teachers, but it is certainly not true of all. I have quite a few teachers in my family and they certainly do not spend all Xmas, half terms and Easter break working, and definitely not like a full time job where you cannot look after small kids apart from the odd MN'er who earns 5 million quid and works 3 hours a week while looking after twin 18 month olds and work at the same time.

Your kids' medical appointments should ideally be during school holidays so plan them that way if you can.

Apart from that being really patronising, it contradicts your earlier point.
If the teacher parent is working all of the school holidays apart from the summer why does it make a difference when the children's medical appointments are? The OP will need to take leave either way.

I'm a teacher and loved being home with the children. I would occasionally book them into sports camps in the summer to prevent boredom. They are teenagers now and I'm redundant in terms of them needing me apart from lifts. Mt husband would always take time off to do docs apps etc in term time. When did looking after your children become such a chore?

“Your kids' medical appointments should ideally be during school holidays so plan them that way if you can.”

Because organising a medical appointment at a time and date that suits is so easy these days.

Also, next time, I’ll make sure I book in my kid’s next broken bone/toothache/bronchitis in advance shall I?

what a ridiculous post, honestly.