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School holidays

Find half term and school holiday activity ideas.

Original poster

Childcare when you're a teacher and your partner is not or vice versa

429 replies

TheThinWhiteDutchess · 23/02/2023 08:53

I'd love to hear experiences of couples where one of you is a teacher and one is not. How do you manage the school holidays? Does one of you end up doing childcare during the holidays when your partner works?

My DH is a teacher, I am not, I work in a 9-5 office job. So this means that he has the school holidays off at the same time as the kids. You'd think this would be wonderful for childcare costs but in reality it seems to cause so much tension in our relationship as his holidays are never 'his own'. This I feel is compounded by the fact that we don't have a lot of childcare help from family. It all feels a bit relentless sometimes.

Part of me feels massively guilty about it, but I genuinely do not have enough holiday to cover even half the school holidays. I just don't know what to do. It's making me so stressed and unhappy. I think I need to bite the bullet and pay for some holiday club so that DH gets some him time.

But then again, I am working and that work contributes to the household. Although I have the occasional day off to do something fun, the vast majority of my days off are with the kids. I try to cover any medical appointments they need as I can obviously take holiday when I want whereas it is more complicated for DH.

We've gone round in circles about it so many times that I have genuinely lost sight of what is reasonable and what is not. I know different things work for different people and families. I almost feel like we need some outside help to resolve all this tension.

Something that doesn't help is that we often don't get a lot of time together as a couple. I think we really need to try and get some more time together otherwise it just feels like we are co-parenting in parallel.

Apologies, that was long.

OP posts:
zizza · 24/02/2023 08:29

If he wants some time without the dc in the holidays then I'm sure he's quite capable of booking holiday clubs or other activities for them to go to, or maybe share some "childcare" with other parents.

Soontobe60 · 24/02/2023 08:31

Teacher here with a non teaching DH and 2 (grown up) kids.
When DC were primary age, I did all the holiday childcare either solo or joint with DH when he took his holidays. Why would I pay someone else to look after them regularly?
However, in the summer holidays, the Dc would often join a holiday club - sports based or drama based - because it was something they were interested in doing. It gave me some ‘me time’ and probably helped me keep sane 😂
If I went into school in the holidays, the DC came with me. They loved it!!!

Youngman1267 · 24/02/2023 08:34

How old are your children? I think a lot of this depends on what your children are like too. Some children are a lot more difficult to look after, such as additional needs etc. I have one who is very easy to look after and a younger one who is far more difficult. I'm a teacher and by the end of the 6 weeks last Summer I'd had enough. But generally I really enjoy being with them in the holidays.

mdh2020 · 24/02/2023 08:35

I was a teacher and relished the long holidays and time to spend with my children. Getting up later, reading a chapter of a book to them each morning in bed. Outings to museums, having friends over for play dates. I did once tell DH he had to take half term off as I wanted his company but he had to go away to a conference, so I took the kids away to a nice hotel on the coast and paid with his card. You can’t have children and then expect to live the life of a non-parent.

SaltyGod · 24/02/2023 08:39

He sounds overwhelmed and I can see that he has a very stressful job.

Personally I think DH and I both benefit from some solo time to just be by ourselves and do what we want to do. I don't see this as selfish, but rather important for our own mental health. We make time for this in an unwritten rule we have.

In your situation I'd explore holiday clubs, perhaps a few days a week for a couple of weeks at the start of the holidays would allow him time to rest and relax.

Life is stressful and hard, so my aim is to reduce stress and increase happiness where I can.

Perhaps you can take a day off at the same time and you could spend the day together. Or take a day and spend some solo time too.

Small children can be exhausting and draining, however much we love them.

knottsberryfarm · 24/02/2023 08:41

It’s a compromise surely? You cover all the term time stuff when he can’t and he covers the holidays? Don’t feel guilty, it’s his problem not yours. Let him pay for a holiday club for a week if he wants time. I doubt this would even be a question if the roles were reversed!!

mac1974 · 24/02/2023 08:44

I think he is being a bit unrealistic. I'm a childminder and I work the school holidays and look after my own kids so my holidays are never my own. I see it as a positive that I don't have to pay for childcare. However, in the Easter hols when I have a week off, I am going to book them into a club for a day so I can have a day to myself. He needs to find a club for them. They are often fairly reasonably priced.

magma32 · 24/02/2023 08:45

…said no female teacher ever!

there was a similar thread a few months ago posted by a dw and again it was her male teacher dh moaning about the same thing.

SkaterGrrrrl · 24/02/2023 08:45

Just be massively grateful you're not forking out a fortune for sports camps.

FreddieMercurysCat · 24/02/2023 08:52

TheOrigRights · 24/02/2023 08:04

Why doesn't your older DC mind your younger one to allow you and/or both of you to go out, or have time to yourself?

Show quote history

She’s away at University and very rarely home. On the rare occasion she is home it’s not for long and she tends to stay with her dad as there’s more room. I’ve barely seen her in 2 years.

Summerlovin24 · 24/02/2023 09:05

mdh2020 · 24/02/2023 08:35

I was a teacher and relished the long holidays and time to spend with my children. Getting up later, reading a chapter of a book to them each morning in bed. Outings to museums, having friends over for play dates. I did once tell DH he had to take half term off as I wanted his company but he had to go away to a conference, so I took the kids away to a nice hotel on the coast and paid with his card. You can’t have children and then expect to live the life of a non-parent.

Totally this. Loved being with my kids in holidays and worked part time for this very reason.
My ex was a teacher and in the holidays the days I worked he'd have the kids. No question. He was very pleased to see me at the end of the day and down tools like his job was done.
You never get a break raising kids....ever....so the Dh in this thread needs to suck it up. Nobody said it would easy.

TheOrigRights · 24/02/2023 09:09

CherriesSpring · 24/02/2023 08:17

I used to squeeze work into term time only as a single parent so that I could look after the kids in the school holidays, and felt really lucky to get an employer to do that!

It's great that employers are being more flexible now.
You must have worked a lot of hours each week to claw back those extra 7 or so weeks of leave.

creekingmillenial · 24/02/2023 09:10

Hi, ex teacher here. Teaching is utterly, utterly exhausting so I can see why he feels the need to recharge his batteries. I’m nowhere near as exhausted now I’m in a different job.

However you also need time too.

I think I’d go for

50-50 weekend split of a lie in each (to try to reduce exhaustion in term time)

5 days each per school year of holiday club ‘use’ (or time off in term time for you to relax without the kids)- to use as and when you wanted for a break

Plus the first week of the school holidays the kids go into holiday club to reflect his exhaustion

That basically means he gets a day every holiday to sleep and relax and a week once a year.

Feefee00 · 24/02/2023 09:10

DD goes to holiday club 1-2 x a week. In summer holidays she goes to grandparents 1 week , PGL camp 1 week and 2 weeks summer holiday with us so she's not home for much of it. . I work shifts DH works from home he doesn't get annual leave as he's a contractor. DDs 9 so doesn't need lots of intensive supervision anymore

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 24/02/2023 09:11

Feefee00 · 24/02/2023 09:10

DD goes to holiday club 1-2 x a week. In summer holidays she goes to grandparents 1 week , PGL camp 1 week and 2 weeks summer holiday with us so she's not home for much of it. . I work shifts DH works from home he doesn't get annual leave as he's a contractor. DDs 9 so doesn't need lots of intensive supervision anymore

Are either of you teachers? Because that is what the OP is asking.

carduelis · 24/02/2023 09:12

There was a thread just recently about someone’s daughter considering going into teaching partly so that she would be able to spend time with her hypothetical children during school holidays and people pointed out that a boy would never base his future career around their potential family. Here we have a man who is, if his experience of teaching is typical, likely to be far too stressed and busy to focus on his own children during term time, and is now complaining about having to spend time with them during the holidays.

There aren’t a lot of perks to teaching - anyone who thinks that spending the holidays with their own kids is an inconvenience rather than a massive bonus should maybe be doing a different job.

Feefee00 · 24/02/2023 09:19

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 24/02/2023 09:11

Are either of you teachers? Because that is what the OP is asking.

Show quote history

Well my DH is the default childcare provider in school holidays as I work outside the home and long hours. He never complains really she goes to holiday club 1-2 times a week more for games and company . I understand if ops DC are very young its very draining. If not me and DH both like having DDs company.

User4891 · 24/02/2023 09:26

I think some of the posts on here are a bit santimonious tbh. I love spending time with my 5YO and have loved our holidays off together. Of course it's part of being a parent and we should expect to be looking after our kids for the majority of their holiday. However, there's no reason especially when you're a couple that you can't organise your time so that you both get some genuine respite and I think this is important. Just agree that you both have 1/2 weeks of the year that you're off and not doing the daytime childcare. You could have a week/2 during term time for your break then agree to have a week or so in the school holidays where you take them for days out etc or put the kids in holiday club. I think the key is you can't expect DH to put up with all his a/l being used for childcare if your's isn't. There's probably no reason that you can't collaborate though and arrange for both of you get just a little me-time. Despite what the MN brigade say it's possible to be a really good parent and make beautiful memories with your kids and still need a few day's break from them a year too...

RosesAndHellebores · 24/02/2023 09:28

I think the OP and her dh need to have a little think about what life is like for couples who both get statutory holiday and bank holidays. Then compare the oressures that arise from that with oressures arising from a situation where one parent is a teacher.

dottiedodah · 24/02/2023 09:28

I think Teaching now is very stressful.Having said that Im sure many people of both sexes would like to spend more time with DC! What about holiday clubs maybe ? I was a SAHM for a while and it was lovely to have DC, but 6 weeks maybe nice to have a break. DS loved Swimming ,footie and so on . He probably has work to set up as well

Dixiechickonhols · 24/02/2023 09:33

I’d get him to book them in some sort of childcare for part of time. Advantage of him being off is you can use the 10-2 play or sports camp type not the 8-6 expensive type. Local council and church and library often do it.
My mum was a teacher. My brother always went to football camp - he was good at football at wanted to be with his friends and he was full on. My mum used to say it was best money she spent. I was quieter so stayed home or sometimes went to a council play scheme for a few hours.
Just pay for some childcare. You will still be saving lots compared to none teacher parents.

User4891 · 24/02/2023 09:37

dottiedodah · 24/02/2023 09:28

I think Teaching now is very stressful.Having said that Im sure many people of both sexes would like to spend more time with DC! What about holiday clubs maybe ? I was a SAHM for a while and it was lovely to have DC, but 6 weeks maybe nice to have a break. DS loved Swimming ,footie and so on . He probably has work to set up as well

People are being very black and white with their responses though. OP doesn't actually specify hiw much time her DH wants to himself. If he wants a few days a year then I don't think this is BU at all. Also if she's taking time out for herself but expecting him to take every second of his leave caring for the kids because his leave happens to fall during their leave then she is BU. It's hard I know but there is no reason that a loving couple can't work together to give each other just a little down time

Baker0104 · 24/02/2023 09:38

I'm going to throw a slightly different view into the mix...I'm a nanny and I take my child to work with me. So I'm working but also being mum at the same time. There are lots of pros to this obviously but I wish I could have some time where I was me in a work place and not this weird combined mum/employee. If I have a day off my little girl is with me and if I'm at work she's with me. My other half gets 5 weeks off a year so some of this is family time, he gets a few days to himself and the rest are days where he has our little one to give me a break (although my break still involves going to work and looking after children 😂) he does try to make sure I get some time to myself completely on the weekends etc.
It's tough, I don't particularly enjoy nannying anymore but needs must because we can't afford childcare 🤷

Tiredalwaystired · 24/02/2023 09:38

If you want to do a few days of holiday club don’t forget you should be entitled to government funding for 20% of the costs (check with the provider that they accept the scheme)

redgirl1 · 24/02/2023 09:39

As everyone has said when you are a parent you have to use most of your annual leave for family time, a combo of holidays and childcare.
that said I can see that he may need a break and perhaps a day or two of holiday club per week in the long school holidays would help everyone. or even a half day tennis camp for a week (I think this is quite common).

Most of my annual leave is spent with family but I will have a couple of long weekends away with friends, it’s good for the soul! Everyone needs a little me time.