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School holidays

Find half term and school holiday activity ideas.

Original poster

Childcare when you're a teacher and your partner is not or vice versa

429 replies

TheThinWhiteDutchess · 23/02/2023 08:53

I'd love to hear experiences of couples where one of you is a teacher and one is not. How do you manage the school holidays? Does one of you end up doing childcare during the holidays when your partner works?

My DH is a teacher, I am not, I work in a 9-5 office job. So this means that he has the school holidays off at the same time as the kids. You'd think this would be wonderful for childcare costs but in reality it seems to cause so much tension in our relationship as his holidays are never 'his own'. This I feel is compounded by the fact that we don't have a lot of childcare help from family. It all feels a bit relentless sometimes.

Part of me feels massively guilty about it, but I genuinely do not have enough holiday to cover even half the school holidays. I just don't know what to do. It's making me so stressed and unhappy. I think I need to bite the bullet and pay for some holiday club so that DH gets some him time.

But then again, I am working and that work contributes to the household. Although I have the occasional day off to do something fun, the vast majority of my days off are with the kids. I try to cover any medical appointments they need as I can obviously take holiday when I want whereas it is more complicated for DH.

We've gone round in circles about it so many times that I have genuinely lost sight of what is reasonable and what is not. I know different things work for different people and families. I almost feel like we need some outside help to resolve all this tension.

Something that doesn't help is that we often don't get a lot of time together as a couple. I think we really need to try and get some more time together otherwise it just feels like we are co-parenting in parallel.

Apologies, that was long.

OP posts:
FreddieMercurysCat · 24/02/2023 07:12

I have a 21 year old and an 8 year old. Do you know when I last had a day off just for me? About 22 years ago I’d reckon. The last time me and DH had a day to ourselves (and I mean a few hours, not actually a whole day) was 2020 between lockdowns. DH indulges his hobbies when I’m at work and youngest is at school (he’s a SAHD for another couple of years).

pickleparent147 · 24/02/2023 07:17

Hiya,
We have the same setup as you, but with a few key differences that somehow balance it easier, but also some of the same tensions!
DH is a head teacher and I work part time Mon-weds. We have 2 kids, 6 and 2. 2 is in term time childcare on the days that I work only, and 1 holiday day (Mondays). DS goes to after school club in termtime.
So sometimes for half terms if DH has lots of work to do he will have them tues weds and I have them thurs fri and we don’t really see each other. We have the Monday holiday childcare for DD2 as DS6 can be put in a holiday camp for that day if we want and then DH can work and we can have the thur fri sat sun of the holiday week together. In reality childminder often takes holiday in school holidays so he doesn’t always get his Monday working day.
In reality, as DH can’t take any holiday, we use my part time hours for me to handle all child related things on my days off. Dentists, car services etc all have to be sorted by me. If any kid is ill it’s on me, as I work from home some of the time I sometimes work with a sick kid at home. I do all the school runs and cover all the inset days so honestly I do feel like it balances out. Neither of us take holiday to just do our own thing, if we have an adult activity it normally happens on a weekend and the other person covers.
I suppose for you you could suggest dropping a day in order to provide more support and I’m sure the Xk difference to your income might cause him to reconsider. Equally you could agree one childcare day each week to lighten the load on him.
I think the time it caused us most tension was when two half terms didn’t align and all my holiday had to be used to not see my husband and cover time the kids were off and we didn’t get a holiday together.
All the best! Hope you work it out x

Theelephantinthecastle · 24/02/2023 07:36

FreddieMercurysCat · 24/02/2023 07:12

I have a 21 year old and an 8 year old. Do you know when I last had a day off just for me? About 22 years ago I’d reckon. The last time me and DH had a day to ourselves (and I mean a few hours, not actually a whole day) was 2020 between lockdowns. DH indulges his hobbies when I’m at work and youngest is at school (he’s a SAHD for another couple of years).

Why not take a day off for you, if you would like one?

MichaelFabricantWig · 24/02/2023 07:39

Anyone who I know in this situation, the teacher has the kids all holidays. As hard as teachers undoubtedly work, it’s one of the perks that they don’t need childcare in the holidays. Your DH needs to grow up, accept reality, and stop whining. It is what it is. He has them in the hols.

Theelephantinthecastle · 24/02/2023 07:43

I don't really get the angst from some about using childcare (unless it is unaffordable obviously) - my kids actually enjoy the holiday clubs we use, there are a huge variety around here so we pick ones they will like. My DH and I take maybe 4-5 days a year off to do something fun or just chill without our kids. It's like 1% of the year. Everyone is happy.

No one has an issue with grandparents taking the kids for a few hours/days here and there - we don't get that so this is our equivalent

Oneanddone88 · 24/02/2023 07:45

@TheThinWhiteDutchess I'm a teacher and my dp I'd not. I do all childcare in holidays and he takes some days off too so we can have family days. I can't help feel that as a woman, it's expected whereas if my partner worked term time only, that he would be the same as your partner
My DD is 3 and still in nursery and in the holidays put her in to nursery for the odd day to get a break or catch up on marking . We also have no family help .
When she starts school I still plan on using holiday clubs as ultimately I still need some downtime due to the relentless of the job .
I definitely think for one day per week of half-term holiday club should be considered, if not two days.

OverTheRubicon · 24/02/2023 07:52

FreddieMercurysCat · 24/02/2023 07:12

I have a 21 year old and an 8 year old. Do you know when I last had a day off just for me? About 22 years ago I’d reckon. The last time me and DH had a day to ourselves (and I mean a few hours, not actually a whole day) was 2020 between lockdowns. DH indulges his hobbies when I’m at work and youngest is at school (he’s a SAHD for another couple of years).

Your DH gets about 30 hours 'to himself' every week during term time, and even when he's home, your 8 year old is unlikely to be occupying every hour of the time unless there's a major drip feed about major caring needs. I really hope you do get some days off to yourself or this is vastly unequal.

OP, your case isn't as extreme but I think that just like male sahps often seem to get a lot more leisure time, male teachers get more time off childcare in holidays. How many more hours than you is he working / caring for your kids during term time? If it's always around equal then, I don't see why it shouldn't be the same in school holidays - you both can get a few days off to do your own thing but otherwise one is working one is childcaring.

wingingit1987 · 24/02/2023 07:52

We’re both nurses so our annual leave is just whenever. It genuinely would not occur to me that I shouldn’t be looking after my own children just because I was on annual leave. Presumably you are around at the weekend during school holidays, so he can always go do something for him on a Saturday or something?

Worriedatwork1 · 24/02/2023 07:55

He needs to grow up sorry, assuming you’re not booking all your weeks off in term time to put your feet up then it’s just life. I’m a single parent and get a fairly generous 27 days a year but it is nowhere near enough. I tend to take 2 days for each half term then a week at Xmas/Easter and 2 weeks over the summer, so you could do this and take them out together or on your own, or he could pay for a holiday club, but I don’t know any parents who get holidays off to just indulge themselves (apart from some of those that don’t live with their children like my ex)

Hairmouse · 24/02/2023 07:58

He is being a big baby, no one with children has the holidays as their own! My DH is a teacher, we actually both agreed how helpful this would be during the holidays when we had children. He would never dream of demanding that he doesn’t do childcare when he’s not working. I always try and take a few days annual leave in the half terms and a few weeks in the summer holidays so we can all spend time together. I also have the flexibility during term time to take the kids to appointment etc. If DH wants the odd day to do something by himself I look after the kids if I can. He does the same for me. Generally we like family life.

I don’t understand why some people have kids if they hate spending time with them!

CleaningOutMyCloset · 24/02/2023 07:59

Do you get holidays of your own op?

I certainly didn't when my dc were school age and I'm not a teacher

bowlingalleyblues · 24/02/2023 07:59

He should be doing the majority of the holiday care, you can’t be expected to cover it with half the weeks of leave.

He should be specific about what he needs: you to cover a week of the summer hols, you to take 1 day off every half term to give him a day to himself, kids to go in holiday club for some of the holiday, swap play dates with other teachers so you both get a day off.

Bemyclementine · 24/02/2023 08:01

I'm not a teacher, and my holidays aren't "my own". What a ridiculous sentiment.

TheOrigRights · 24/02/2023 08:04

FreddieMercurysCat · 24/02/2023 07:12

I have a 21 year old and an 8 year old. Do you know when I last had a day off just for me? About 22 years ago I’d reckon. The last time me and DH had a day to ourselves (and I mean a few hours, not actually a whole day) was 2020 between lockdowns. DH indulges his hobbies when I’m at work and youngest is at school (he’s a SAHD for another couple of years).

Why doesn't your older DC mind your younger one to allow you and/or both of you to go out, or have time to yourself?

Bronzeisthecolour · 24/02/2023 08:06

Same situation, no family support. DH does the inset days I do the holidays- part of the reason I'm still in teaching so I can have that time with my kids, I'll leave once we don't need that childcare. I do put them in a summer camp a few days so I can go and work.

EmGB87 · 24/02/2023 08:11

I’m a teacher and my husband and is not. We made the decision to pay for year round nursery so I could get a break too. We have 2 children in nursery full time but during my holidays they only go 3 days a week so I can have 2 days with them and 3 days to myself.

this works well for me and also means the kids stay in routine and we don’t have melt downs when it’s time to go back to nursery again after a long holiday.

TheOrigRights · 24/02/2023 08:12

I don't think it's unreasonable for parents to want a bit of time to themselves.
That's the precise reason holiday clubs exist.

No, it's not unreasonable to want time. I don't think it's something that can be expected or regarded as a right, not when you become a parent and if you are also not at work when the children are not at school.

Holiday clubs don't exist just to give parents time to themselves, they are an absolute essential service for working parents.

Logicoutofthewindow · 24/02/2023 08:15

Do you have time together as a family? He gets a huge amount of holidays and naturally correct that he should take the children since home and I assume you have the children when you are off work so share with him? He sounds a bit selfish, they are his children.

Parents of all kinds have to look after their own children with a lot less holiday time to do so. Many will work a full day then home to look after children and use holiday time to cover when children are off school since most workers don't get 6 1/2 weeks in the summer etc.

If he struggles so much @TheThinWhiteDutchess why doesn't he find a regular job with less holiday?

Youwhatnowbiggles · 24/02/2023 08:16

Your dh needs to grow up and join the real world! How much kid free time/holidays does he believe other parents get?! What a plonker. Sorry you’re married to a selfish man child - really hope he sorts himself out asap.

MustBeThursday · 24/02/2023 08:17

I'm not a teacher but I am school support staff so work term time only. The biggest benefit of working term time only is not needing to find holiday childcare! It's why I looked for school based jobs in the first place after having DD1, set hours and holidays off as DHs rota is perfect out of his control. DH takes some leave in the school holidays for family time where his rota allows but I'm usually solo.

CherriesSpring · 24/02/2023 08:17

I used to squeeze work into term time only as a single parent so that I could look after the kids in the school holidays, and felt really lucky to get an employer to do that!

Logicoutofthewindow · 24/02/2023 08:17

FreddieMercurysCat · 24/02/2023 07:12

I have a 21 year old and an 8 year old. Do you know when I last had a day off just for me? About 22 years ago I’d reckon. The last time me and DH had a day to ourselves (and I mean a few hours, not actually a whole day) was 2020 between lockdowns. DH indulges his hobbies when I’m at work and youngest is at school (he’s a SAHD for another couple of years).

So take a day off then? Perhaps a school day so you can do something together since your partner indulges himself so much how about you give it a go sometime or just have a day for yourself?

MustBeThursday · 24/02/2023 08:17

Is mostly out of his control, not perfect!

CaptainMum · 24/02/2023 08:20

I'm a teacher, DH isn't. It's an obvious bonus to the job that I am around for the children in the holidays. We are both 'on' or parents when at home. But we both carve out time away to have for a rest, adult holiday (a few days) with friends and hobbies. It's pretty evenly split, and the kids are still young. This works for us!

ohfook · 24/02/2023 08:23

It has pros and cons. We very rarely have to worry about (or pay for) holiday childcare which is absolutely amazing. The con is obviously I never get a day off without the kids.

My biggest bugbear is that h is so used to not having to worry about holiday childcare, that the idea of using his annual leave to look after the kids, on inset days for example, is absolutely abhorrent to him. His selfishness has created quite an unfair system.