Staying at home once all the children are at school?

[3boysandadog23]

From September all my children, 9, 7 and 4 will be at school. I have been a sahm with very small bits of work done over the last 9 years. My husband and I have decided that although I will go back to work at some point, I will have a year or 2 of all the kids being at school, making the most of keeping on top of things and enjoying being there for the children and making my husbands life easier too.

For those other parents that do this, how do you find it? I am concerned that I will end up feeling like just the maid of the house whilst my husband has an important career. I love doing what I do, and wouldn’t want it the other way round, but equally feel my confidence has really been affected by being a sahm.

Thank you!

Actually, your DH is treating you worse (less respectfully) than my family treat our cleaner. We have a cleaner once a week and we (not just me, all of us!) tidy everything up and put our things away before she comes so that she can clean properly. None of us leave dirty underwear on the floor for her!

Yes you can make his life easier by taking a bigger share of the housework but you are not there to pick up after your husband whether he earns the money or not.

@itstrue It works if dh is a high earner because you have the wealth behind both of you. He’s only earned this because you did everything else! Definitely the case with me. My earnings would have been somewhat irrelevant! But if dh is not a very high earner, women need to think about what they might need and keep some work as an option. My DDs went to boarding school and few mums worked full time. A few kept going as doctors and executives but many played golf (sports) and did not work for money.

When you say “my husband and I have decided” surely that implies you are happy with the arrangement. If so, why are you aisking questions about being a maid?

@Morningbee Of course I expect my husband to do an equal amount of housework and childcare. In fact, he does all of the cooking. I wouldn't accept a partner who didn't share it equally. But then I wouldn't expect not to share the financial burden too.

Thats great that’s how it works for you and your both happy with that arrangement but equally there are many couples for whom one partner takes on more of the financial share of things and the other the household and childcare side of things. Sometimes it’s because they prefer it that way and sometimes it’s consensually accommodating the one partner’s preferences. I think as long as both are happy enough with the arrangement and both are left with the same amount of free time and resources then can’t see what the problem is in the equality stakes. In reality research has found that in many cases even women who work full time are left with a significantly higher proportion of the care of the house and children

I definitely think TAs should be paid more.

But there are lots of advantages to the role that PPs have outlined, esp if money isn’t the sole motivation for going back to work.

He’s definitely taking the piss with that one!

My friend teaches three days a week and seems to have the perfect balance.

BUT her husband is very appreciative of what she does with the additional time she has out of paid work, and wouldn’t treat her as the house maid, or make extra work for her like that.

It comes down to what your partner is like at the end of the day.

Having a bit of time still at home whilst the kids start school should be (in my view) a bit of a “thank you” period where the working spouse appreciates the extra work you did whilst the kids were very young - those early years where it’s far harder than going to work - to give you a bit of time to recover. Maybe anything up to a year I think.

NB - I have never been a SAHM or part time

Be careful you don’t end up as the house maid , that’s all .
Make sure everyone knows , yes you’ll do laundry 🧺 housework, cooking etc but you’re not a maid and you need a break sometimes

I would love this. Some time to yourself, some time to work on yourself, in terms of fitness as well as training or future career plans, the house would be clean dinners made and evenings much easier.
i would however be worried about being resentful of sacrifices or vulnerabilities and i think my main worries would be

1. pension - can dh contribute to your pension as he does to his own, if he’s not already.
2. future plans / if he left you / you needed to leave him, what do you have in terms of savings or career plans? I would do some training or try to do some very very part time work even a day or two a month just so you have some income and you’ve not been out of work for years trying to get back in, if the worst happens.
3. insurance. If something happens to him and he can’t work, and he’s supporting a whole family, what’s the plan.
4. obviously don’t do any of it if you think he could be abusive, or a cheater or whatever.
5. I would want to discuss expectations with him and he clear. Does he think you’ll be picking his dirty underwear up off the floor every day, and expecting to come home to a spotless house and dinner on the table. He may also get resentful if he thinks he’s paying for you to just lounge around all day (obviously you won’t be but I think sometimes men think that’s what sahms are doing as soon as the house isn’t cleaned one day)
6. have a plan so I didn’t waste my time or get fed up. Include things for me in the plan!

if i was secure in all of the above, then i think this would be my dream to be honest. As someone so career focused in my 20s i never thought id say that but it is!

I don’t know about your DCs school, but I still feel very needed. There are regular event invitations within the school day, which are different times and days having 2 children. Mine are never ill at the same time. They like having friends over after school to play and eat dinner with us. Both have different clubs which require being dropped off then collected from.

Life with children always has a slightly unpredictable vibe to it, and it is very difficult to find a school hour only job.

I wish you well over the coming years whatever you decide to do.

Meant to say, I do some really rewarding volunteer work, which is very flexible. I’’m a school governor and I volunteer for a national bereavement charity, providing emotional support over the telephone to my own clients. The linked supervision and CPD is all via Zoom during school hours, and is extremely interesting.

There are many really interesting volunteer roles of huge benefit to others which may be of some interest to you 😊