Staying at home once all the children are at school?

[3boysandadog23]

From September all my children, 9, 7 and 4 will be at school. I have been a sahm with very small bits of work done over the last 9 years. My husband and I have decided that although I will go back to work at some point, I will have a year or 2 of all the kids being at school, making the most of keeping on top of things and enjoying being there for the children and making my husbands life easier too.

For those other parents that do this, how do you find it? I am concerned that I will end up feeling like just the maid of the house whilst my husband has an important career. I love doing what I do, and wouldn’t want it the other way round, but equally feel my confidence has really been affected by being a sahm.

Thank you!

The thing is, could a formerly SAHM find a job that’s school hours? Or are you going to have wrap around care? And school holidays, inset days and so on. My previous job was very office based - the rest of the team could wfh at least part of the time or have flexible hours but I was the lynchpin so needed to be in the office. And while I could drop my kids at school I could not pick up til 6.30pm. And no chance of going part time. So a change of career, or one that was part time (which in itself limits progression) was necessary. Fortunately for me, my DH did not expect me to be his maid, we had a cleaner and he managed things like insurance/mortgage/bills, I did the practical stuff like getting the car serviced/MOT/, any work needing on the house (plumber etc) and obviously the kids. He was far tidier than me so I never felt he was treating me like a skivvy!

Fuck that! You’re clearly his maid here …
cheeky bugger - I’d be back to work, but it was important for me to have and build my career, if my DH treated me like that he’d be told in no uncertain terms!

I was a SAHM for 9 years while my kids were little. I went back to work the same week that my youngest started reception! I worked part time to begin with, now they're older and I work full time.

It's worked out really well for me. I think part time when they're at primary school is ideal (I worked 2.5 days so they only did after school club twice a week) and then I increased my hours as they got older. My job is interesting and I definitely get the mental stimulation from it that can be harder to find as a SAHM.

Definitely don't pick up your DH's pants! That is an absolute line in the sand!

Exactly!
Why would you want to be a SAHM permanently and be entirely reliant on someone else financially for the rest of your life?

Picking up his pants- no way. He is not trying to make your life easier there is he?

I am still a sahm although dc is at school. The day flies by - mostly cleaning, cooking (which I like), and I also have a couple of hobbies that I do (one of which brings in a little money).

I don't feel like the maid. When DH and dc are at home I don't wait on them and outside of school hours DH and I share most of the work.

I find it very useful given how many school holidays there are! I feel like I've only just got on top of everything before the next one arrives!

@99bottlesofkombucha Do I think it's lazy to not go back to work at all when the kids are in school ft? Yes.
In what way do your children actually benefit if they are not at home when you are for the majority of the day?
And does your husband have that choice to work or not? Why not?
What work ethic is that teaching children, especially daughters?
I will absolutely teach my daughter the foolishness of relying on someone else financially.

I'm a teacher too and enjoyed a 3 day week- still meant I had more time at home than school but felt I was working and contributing. Is this an option?

I stayed at home.

It meant I could be there for school drop off and pick ups. I could help at the school listening to readers, accompanying swimming lessons and school trips, and be on the PTA.
It meant I was around for all school holidays so childcare wasn't needed.
Later on it meant I could help DD1 with her GCSE understanding and revision, then it meant I could help DD2 get to college when she wasn't well enough to get the college bus.

Staying at home is a perfectly valid choice for those who can afford it financially. As is working part time. Or working full time.

It was boring. I felt like my DH (now ex for unrelated reasons) respected me less, and it felt like a Groundhog Day of laundry, cleaning, and meeting other women in the same situation to talk about kids. I also felt really lonely. I lasted about 3 months before going back to work.

@TeenToTwenties I do all of those things you have listed as well as working term-time. It is totally possible.

Go back to work asap.

I read your first post and thought "that's fine, take your time, maybe do some vulonteering or training, ease back in to it, make sure your kids are settled".

But "having to tidy up every last little thing after him drives me mad… Picking up his pants off the floor"? Your DH has no respect for you and he is treating you like a housemaid. You need financial independence, either to regain his respect and your self-respect or failing that to get out of there.

So women who are ok to work way in excess of full time hours (paid and unpaid) or rely on the labour of usually other women doing what they would do at home as paid employment are a better example to their daughters?? The reality is that whether a mother works or not she usually ends up doing the main share of the looking after the home and children’s welfare or subbing it out to someone. I absolutely love my job and working part time gives me a nice balance, although at the same time I hardly had chance to stop even when my children were all primary aged . You must have the worlds easiest children or a lot of help from partner and family for being mother to primary aged children to not equate to more than a 40 hour working week in itself

Well great, that's fine for you.

But there aren't enough school hours only jobs to go round everyone are there? (You noted we didn't need any childcare ever didn't you).
I also don't think I could have done the 1-1 revision with DD1 that she needed (SpLD) in parallel with working during y11.

People/women should do what works for them. You working doesn't make you a better parent, just as me not doesn't make me better either.

There is a world of difference between having a job and having a career.
If you don’t want to have a job and are financially comfortable then do not feel bad about being a SAHM. There is a skill in running a household and doing it well. You do not have to see yourself as a maid. Or something you perceive as detrimental.
If you have a career then you are unlikely to want to contemplate not continuing with it. Unless it has exhausted you. And you have reached as far as you feel you could take it.
Work in an employee environment is hard to compare to SAHM work. They are very different places with different stresses and demands. But a SAHM you are the boss. You set your terms and you have a lot more autonomy.

I had a career for the best part of 20 years before DC. By the time then DC came along I had been there, done that, and was quite happy to focus on the DC.

I know a couple of women who are/were in near identical situations to you @3boysandadog23 They both got jobs as part time TAs in their dc’s school. So no issue with childcare before and after work, no need for holiday child care, still get to go to the big assemblies etc. Yes, the money is poor and you will not have the teacher role. But that means no evening and weekend planning, no marking at home. But still using your key skills in teaching and communication.

thank you. I have been tempted by a TA role but the pay really is awful for how hard work it sounds. They deserve so much more

@TeenToTwenties Do you mean you did the 1-1 revision with DD1 that she needed (SpLD) during school hours? As in she was homeschooled? Fair enough.

Making husbands life easier (and children's life easier) makes your life easier too by default.....as long as you're happy to do it and have something to go back to eventually

Agreed. Same here. I was so ready to be a SAHM for a few years

Exactly! You do what works for you.

He really must look after himself in that way. He's not a small child.

I didn’t go back to work and was always busy with house/kid stuff. It made it easy when someone was sick and school holidays were easy. I had a lovely time bringing up my kids.

if I was to do it again though I’m not sure I would. Only because quite a few of my friends marriages have ended in the last few years. It’s very difficult to financially survive when you have effectively no work history.

Well yes once 'study leave' started, (and during an unofficial time once exams had started. The school turned a blind eye to those who they trusted to work well at home)