Staying at home once all the children are at school?

[3boysandadog23]

From September all my children, 9, 7 and 4 will be at school. I have been a sahm with very small bits of work done over the last 9 years. My husband and I have decided that although I will go back to work at some point, I will have a year or 2 of all the kids being at school, making the most of keeping on top of things and enjoying being there for the children and making my husbands life easier too.

For those other parents that do this, how do you find it? I am concerned that I will end up feeling like just the maid of the house whilst my husband has an important career. I love doing what I do, and wouldn’t want it the other way round, but equally feel my confidence has really been affected by being a sahm.

Thank you!

It used to be the norm (ok, maybe there's more labour saving gadgets now, but I'm not sure it was much harder to be a housewife in the 80s than now-back then you weren't expected to do as much with kids) and it'll be lovely to have that time as a family. I hate the fact that after we've been working, we have to do house chores-any time I'm off, I love having everything done so we can just eat and relax in the evening.
See if you can meet other Stay at home parents to do stuff in the days-reading the Broons, it seems the women (wouldn't have been men!) had tea breaks and stuff together, did things to help out neighbours, hospital visiting etc-and my Scottish great-grandparents said it's true, and it was lovely having time to help out others.

The tutoring is a good idea (my kids are home educated and there’s definitely a market for tutors) but you’d need a backup plan if one of your children was ill or something I guess?

You have to consider what happens if the marriage ends. Most marriages end. The idea of being financial dependent on someone else is terrifying to me. By all means have another year but you should spend it retraining and volunteering to get some relevant experience in your CV.
and what is your husband doing to ‘make your life easier’
i hope he’s been making pension contributions for you all these years…

Exactly what @Peonies12 says. If he wants you to stay at home, is he ensuring that you are not financially disadvantaged by doing so? How does your pension fund compare to his? Do you have savings of your own?

I was a sahp when my kids went to school - it only works if you aren't married to the kind of man who lets/expects you to pick up his skanky pants!
If you sah, it's primarily to be available for the kids if they need you, to do school runs and obviously to keep the house/life admin ticking over. It's not to be a general skivvy for your husband. As a grown arse functioning adult, he can put his own clothes in the wash, do bedtimes with the kids, take his turn cooking or getting up with them at the weekend. He doesn't get to abdicate all personal responsibility or parenting just because you are home.

In your shoes, I think I'd return to work once the 4 year old has settled. Even if it's supply teaching a couple of days a week.
I stayed home too long - it's fucked my career and I've inadvertently taught my kids that I'll be at their beck and call. It's hard undoing all that, even though I'm back at work now.

What happens is that there’s no child care when dc are ill and the op will be run ragged. I stayed away from regular work and even casual work was difficult as he was always late home. The money was good though.

I'm an EOTAS Tutor and love it. Massive drawback is the pay though which is term-time only. Six weeks without any income (plus all of the other school holidays) is very difficult 😞

@Aiming4Optimistic Sounds like an easy life to me? I do all of that and work.
Like you say, staying at home for so long is bound to mess up your future career too.

@FunPartyIdeasIt was easy - I loved it. I volunteered at my kids' school, had loads of time to do all the nice 'extras' instead of squeezing the necessities around work. It was fab. But I was married to someone who shared money completely, and who helped when he was home. And he never expected me to pick up after him! Even so, he got very used to having someone take care of his life and never having to leave work early or miss out on work stuff due to the kids needs.
I miss the comfort of my old life, but I'm glad to be back at work. Sah has cost me in terms of career development etc.

@Aiming4Optimistic Gosh - that would be my idea of a nightmare in all regards!
Why did you return to work in the end?

Honestly it’s a good idea as long as your relationship is solid and you have enough money.

I’m a single working parent and my life is immensely stressful. I’m sure it’d be different with a decent partner but juggling working and the kids is really hard. It’s not so bad during the holidays but in term time it’s constantly running from one thing to the next, fitting in the ever increasing amounts of homework, then there’s sick days, sports days, transition days, teacher meetings, nativities, assemblies, school plays, etc etc etc. Ds1 just finished y6 and the amount of juggling I’ve had to do to fit in all the transition stuff nearly broke me during the last half term. I thought it’d get easier as the kids get older (ds2 just finished y3) but it’s more difficult if anything!

@FunPartyIdeas I'm actually very comfortable with my own company and a total homebody, so I had a great time for most of it. I was also really scared to go back to work for a long time. But I'd started to feel like I needed to be 'me' again, the person who isn't just someone's mum or wife. Society sees no value in being a sahp and after a while that can affect your state of mind. In the end, Dh got ill and it was necessary financially and that gave me the push I needed.
I like working again and am glad to have gone back.

I have been a SAHM for a long time. My youngest is 7. My husband works long hours in an executive role. My kids all do activities after school, and often we're not home til after 6 on multiple days. There is plenty for me to do at home during the day. I do not pick up after my husband as I am not his mother! I like that I can volunteer at school - yesterday I was out most of the day taking kids to an event. I used to go in and read with reception kids. I have time to be on club committees. I can grow veggies. It can be lonely at times but checking in with people at the school gate always gives me a boost.

My father in law once said it was a waste of an education for a woman to be at home with kids. I strongly disagree. Education is obviously never a waste, and I can pass on knowledge and skills to my kids during everyday life.

@Feejoah I actually see your FILs point. Working mums do that too - pass on their knowledge and skills - but at the same time as bringing in a wage.

@FunPartyIdeas Often in a different way as there’s less time. It’s not a waste of an education to be at home during the day or volunteering your time and expertise when working mums cannot. There’s valuable work that can be done but does not attract a wage ! Not everything has to be about money.

@MeetMeOnTheCorner I guess it depends on what we are talking about when we say education. For example, you don't need a degree to be a SAHP. I wouldn't be very impressed if I'd worked my bum off to support my daughter to get solid set of qualifications, go to a good university etc, for her to decide she was going to be a permanent SAHM. I'd see it as a complete waste of both effort and money.

@FunPartyIdeasEducation is never wasted. If you supported your dd through university, you would be giving her the gift of freedom and choice. It's essential that women are able to earn their own money, even if they choose not to. When I needed to go back to work, my education and qualifications meant that I was able to. Okay, not at the level I'd have been at, had I never left, but nonetheless I was able to get a job.
There's also the consideration that well educated mothers, raise well educated children and that's better for society. If a woman decides to sah to be with her kids, surely it's better if she can support their education? My kids have good A Level grades partly because I was able to support their learning. I could teach them how to analyse poetry, how to research, construct an essay etc. It's not enough to just leave their education to the school. It creates interesting, well rounded individuals and is valuable for its own sake, not only for its ability to help generate money.

Is the main reason the kids or the confidence rhat you want to take off work. If the confidence, then it doesn’t get easier - bite the bullet and start something.
thinking he will get more senior and less capable of helping is a mistake. Both because it sounds a bit like you’d get to two years and be oh I can’t work now, he can’t help at all. He will have been supported to work by you for a decade and when you go back he needs to support. Also, with seniority comes some flexibility often. I’m very grateful I pushed my career to get to a reasonable level before kids so I can have some say in my schedule!

Rubbish. My grandma did a degree (obviously and brought up a large number of very well educated children. No part of her life was a waste, and she fostered a deep value for education in her children. My mum also was a sahm for 20 years and education was also very important in our household of many children. No part of her life was a waste either.

@Aiming4Optimistic Hard disagree. My eldest son got 4 A-Levels - 3 A stars and 1 A and he is now going into his second year at a top UK university.
He is August-born, his father and I divorced when he was 6, and I have always had a career.
It is absolutely ridiculous to say that your children can only achieve if one parent stays at home.
My daughter is only very young but my husband and I are absolutely bringing her up knowing that a good work ethic is crucial. This is the way I was raised - to always maintain financial independence - and I am forever grateful for that. I absolutely needed my career when I became a single parent, and still need it now that I am remarried.

@99bottlesofkombucha You don't need a degree to stay at home though?

I did had about 6 months when my youngest started school and got very bored, and went back to work full time. No regrets on that. Maybe use the time to get ready to go back?

Mum of a severely disabled child here. Had no choice but to give up work when DS was born. Still can't go back. I volunteer in loads of roles when I can. DH works from home 2 days per week and has lunch but leaves all the dishes etc in the kitchen. I want to punch him. I am a glorified free carer and housemaid and I funking hate it!!

@Moomieboo Could your DH reduce his hours to help with your child so you could go back to work pt?

That doesn’t mean it’s wasted. I’m my children’s maths tutor for example and will be all through high school, I check all their work and can help them with most of the main subjects through to A levels except for languages I don’t know. Whether I worked or not that’s not a waste.