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SAHP

A place for stay at home mums and dads to discuss life as a full-time parent.

Original poster

Is this just the life of a SAHM?

96 replies

Stressedoutmummyof3 · 28/01/2026 14:39

What happens in your house when you as the SAHP are sick? DD2 brought diarrhea home last week, DH caught it yesterday and now I have it.
It doesn't seem too bad (they both had it for a bit less than 24 hours) so hopefully by tomorrow afternoon I'll be okay.
DH had yesterday and today off sick and I asked after I was ill if he could take 30 minutes dependency leave tomorrow to take DS to school and hopefully I'll be fine for pick up after lunch.
Straight away no. Not a reason just no. I don't have anyone else. Older kids will be at college and work. Don't know any of the mum's at school because DS does reduced hours so never see them at drop off (and think it would be very cheeky to expect a parent I don't even know to make a separate trip to drop DS off.) I guess if he won't do it I'll just have to keep DS home but it's really unfair. I did everything yesterday and this morning but when I'm ill I either have to risk having an accident on the school run or keep DS home and get no rest. He has severe special needs so it's not like he'll just sit quietly and watch a DVD or something.
I just feel a bit pissed off. I might be fine by tomorrow but I don't want to risk going to school and back twice if my stomach is still bad.
Is this just the life of a SAHM?

OP posts:
GalaxyJam · 28/01/2026 14:41

When I was a SAHP my husband would have rearranged his working day to help me out. It depends on the job and the level of flexibility though I guess.

fruitbrewhaha · 28/01/2026 14:43

Depends on the other parent.

If he is trying to catch up after time off he may feel he can’t help.

TwinklyWrinkly · 28/01/2026 14:44

On the face of it, your DH seems rubbish. However, it really does depend on why he is saying no. If there is a good reason, fair enough, but if it's just because he can't be bothered or doesn't want to ask, then he is unreasonable. You really need to sit him down and not just accept no, with no reason.

Jellybunny56 · 28/01/2026 14:46

It depends on the job/ability to do it I think, how it would be received by his employer. My husband’s employer is pretty good, he has a lot of flexibility anyway so he would absolutely do this for me (not a sahm permanently but currently on mat leave with second baby) without question, he has done when I’ve been unwell in the past with no worries.

But at his previous job before we had kids he had very little flexibility and if he had taken 2 days off sick and then requested time off the day after for this his boss would have made life very difficult and we’d have been worried about him being let go, awful employer, so he probably wouldn’t have unless there was absolutely no way I could do it.

cestlavielife · 28/01/2026 14:47

Does his work allow half hour blocks of leave?

newrubylane · 28/01/2026 14:47

No, my husband and I both cover for each other when we're ill. Obviously as the SAHP I cover all children's sickness, but if I'm very ill he has to assist. If he was sick enough that he needed to stay off work then he should understand that you might need support for the school run as a minimum. I wouldn't be very happy unless there was a very good reason for his refusal.

Shmee1988 · 28/01/2026 14:51

Depends why he said no. My works is so flexible itll practically snap itself in half to be accommodating, which is amazing. My OH work is the exact opposite. He never even calls in sick even when he is really not functioning as life will be made difficult for him upon his return.

Contrarymary30 · 28/01/2026 14:52

When I was a sahm to 4 my X wouldn't have lifted a finger to help . When I worked PT I also did all the cleaning cooking shopping etc . I think your H should have at least taken the child to school . Next time he's ill leave him to fend for himself .

Original poster
Stressedoutmummyof3 · 28/01/2026 15:23

His work is pretty flexible tbh. He's been there 8 years and there's a lot of give and take between manager and employee's.
He gets 5 days of paid dependacy a year (resets in March) and he's only used 1 and half days so far so it's not as if I ask him to take time off (half day was so I could take DD2 to hospital while he looked after DS).
His boss is usually flexible with regards to childcare issues so I would think he'd be fine this time but DH won't ask.
He doesn't have catching up to do either, he works in grounds and matinence for the council so others would have covered him, just like he does when others are off.

OP posts:
Taweofterror · 28/01/2026 15:27

A straight off the bat refusal with no reason, apologies or discussion is disrespectful imo. It absolutely shouldn't be 'just how it is' as a sahm. If he absolutely couldn't do it, I would expect an explanation and some understanding of how difficult that would be for me.

I've had to do a school run with a tummy bug (came on through the day and nobody to pick her up) and vomiting not far from the school gates was horrible for me and anyone in the vicinity!! Absolutely fair enough for you to want to avoid it if you can.

TwinklyWrinkly · 28/01/2026 15:39

Then he needs to give you a good reason for his refusal to even ask. Is he usually disrespectful and does he think it's your job to look after the children, come what may? Is he usually so useless? And is there a reason you aren't having it out with him and insisting he helps? If my husband refused to even ask for time off (especially since it's just half an hour) because he needed to do the school run and I was ill, we'd be having a serious conversation about who he thought he was.

arethereanyleftatall · 28/01/2026 15:47

No. This is the life of a parent who doesn’t have a supportive partner. How deeply deeply unkind of him.

Lightwell · 28/01/2026 17:30

He needs to say to his employer "I was off sick yesterday and the day before, I need to leave it a few hours since the last time I was sick to avoid spreading it round. I'm feeling a bit better and hope to be in by lunchtime". Then do the school run, make you some tea and go in.

Grounds and maintenance. Hardly a time critical job, is it? I know it's an important occupation as worthy as any other but literally who would miss him for one day? "Oh no, this slightly overgrown shrub has attacked someone!"

TheLivelyCat · 28/01/2026 17:37

It's a hard one, I have had to look after my children when ill, last week I completely lost my voice with strep throat and on antibiotics lot of painkillers and had to do school runs, make meals etc.
Ive also had to take imodium to get through the day, not ideal but needs must, vomiting would probably be different.

DH works in the NHS so its hard to get cover on short notice. Its a case in our home if I can somehow "survive" the day, and meet basic needs of the children he will go to work, or ask if grandparents can do school run , he will pick up the slack when home.
If I am bedbound, recovering from surgery and no other option, he will have to take time off.

chunkyBoo · 28/01/2026 17:45

I wouldn’t even ask! I’d say you’ll have to drop the kids at school tomorrow as I can’t as I’ve now got this sickness. End of story!

user2848502016 · 28/01/2026 17:50

Seems mean that he won’t just start work a bit late to take his kid to school. Especially as his job and manager sound flexible, he just CBA basically

arethereanyleftatall · 28/01/2026 17:52

The difference is the difference. Iyswim.
if he can take time off when he’s sick, he can take time off when the op is sick.

littleorangefox · 28/01/2026 18:10

Absolutely not "just the life of a sahm". I've called my husband home on his way to work to look after the kids because I was unwell. And there have been other similar occasions when he's put us first.

The other parent should be stepping up regardless of which oh so important job they have. It's also the employer's responsibility to arrange cover and not something anybody else should be worrying about. Family comes first. And if they're the type of employer who would make life difficult for their employee over something like this then they're shit anyway and not somebody worth working for.

DemonsandMosquitoes · 28/01/2026 18:12

Not good. Is he paying into a pension for you?

Meadowfinch · 28/01/2026 18:21

Book a cab for her. Charge it to his credit card. Be unapologetic.

Original poster
Stressedoutmummyof3 · 28/01/2026 18:35

TheLivelyCat · 28/01/2026 17:37

It's a hard one, I have had to look after my children when ill, last week I completely lost my voice with strep throat and on antibiotics lot of painkillers and had to do school runs, make meals etc.
Ive also had to take imodium to get through the day, not ideal but needs must, vomiting would probably be different.

DH works in the NHS so its hard to get cover on short notice. Its a case in our home if I can somehow "survive" the day, and meet basic needs of the children he will go to work, or ask if grandparents can do school run , he will pick up the slack when home.
If I am bedbound, recovering from surgery and no other option, he will have to take time off.

That's a bit different and if DH had a job like that I'd be a lot more understanding. I'd be more understanding if he'd asked and his manager said no but he didn't even ask.
He doesn't like taking time off work unless he has to and always wants me to carry on which I do most of the time but I'm in absolute agony with my stomach.
I can't put DS in a taxi unfortunately. He's only 5 and autistic (and non verbal). He'd absolutely freak out.
I did ask again and he said maybe but couldn't promise and I'd have to wait until 8:30 tomorrow. It sounds promising but he's said things like this before and then it's still a no.

OP posts:
ravenfoot · 28/01/2026 18:39

I have to admit I've never been ill enough to need DH to take time off (been a sahm for 8 years). He's had to take time off when I had surgery, but in that case I was clearly incapacitated. In our case DH could easily fit in the school run before work so it wouldn't be an issue for him, though that's partly due to us living close to both school and work, and we chose that to make our lives easier.

AnotherCustardCream · 28/01/2026 18:42

I’ve had to dose up and pray before now - I feel you! Schools are usually quite helpful if you explain the problem - I’m sure they will let you park up in car park and meet you at car if you call as soon as they open and ask. That way you don’t have to get out of car and it can be a lot quicker. They will generally always help facilitate to get a child in school. Might be worth a try?

Overthemoun · 28/01/2026 18:50

DH or I have never taken leave to care for one another or cover childcare arrangements for the other. Joy of parenting has been to just have to get on with it when you’re ill… I’m still scarred by one particularity norovirus moment. At least when the kids are well enough you can go home and have a sick day in peace. Take some Imodium and do the drop off as quick as poss!

Neither have understanding jobs though and when the kids are ill, it’s tossing up who will get the most grief by calling in.

BobInABoat · 28/01/2026 18:50

No it wasn't like this for me as a sahm. Dh prioritised his family and made sure he had a job that offered flexibility.

Considering the needs of your 5 year old I cannot believe he didn't consider how he was going to get to school as you were unwell. It was completely selfish leaving you ill with two children when they both need you.

Does he usually shirk being responsible for both children? Or are weekends all "family" time where he has never parented both children by himself? What did he say to himself to justify going to work today? How would he have felt yesterday if you'd have left the house and left him to look after both children whilst ill?

He gets paid too for his dependency days so they are already factored into his employment.