Is this just the life of a SAHM?

[Stressedoutmummyof3]

What happens in your house when you as the SAHP are sick? DD2 brought diarrhea home last week, DH caught it yesterday and now I have it.
It doesn't seem too bad (they both had it for a bit less than 24 hours) so hopefully by tomorrow afternoon I'll be okay.
DH had yesterday and today off sick and I asked after I was ill if he could take 30 minutes dependency leave tomorrow to take DS to school and hopefully I'll be fine for pick up after lunch.
Straight away no. Not a reason just no. I don't have anyone else. Older kids will be at college and work. Don't know any of the mum's at school because DS does reduced hours so never see them at drop off (and think it would be very cheeky to expect a parent I don't even know to make a separate trip to drop DS off.) I guess if he won't do it I'll just have to keep DS home but it's really unfair. I did everything yesterday and this morning but when I'm ill I either have to risk having an accident on the school run or keep DS home and get no rest. He has severe special needs so it's not like he'll just sit quietly and watch a DVD or something.
I just feel a bit pissed off. I might be fine by tomorrow but I don't want to risk going to school and back twice if my stomach is still bad.
Is this just the life of a SAHM?

I'm a SAHM and on a few occasions I've asked DH to help BUT he knows I would only ask if I really needed it.

In your situation I would wonder if he was worried having just been off ill, then going in late and what if you decided you couldn't do pick up and he had to leave work again? He might just be crap at communicating, had all those thoughts and not discussed it with you and you just got the outcome which was 'no'. Or he might be a shit partner, I suppose it depends what he's usually like.

I will also say, DH has told me at times he really felt the pressure of being the sole earner. Not a money or even job security thing but just the overall responsibility.

No, it’s not just the life of a SAHM. My DP would absolutely help me out, even if it wasn’t due to illness.

Get some imodium i always have it stocked incase of v&d bugs

No op! This is your dh not being a good husband and father.

Everyone gets ill occasionally. It’s a fact of life.

During the days when I was a sahp, and my dh was working abroad, I had to muddle through, as we all have. But when one parent is available and can assist, and is refusing to do so on principle, that’s unkind and unreasonable.

It’s not as if you are asking him to look after your dd all day! You are only asking him to do pick ups! It seems pathetic that he can’t work around that tbh.

Nannies and childcare workers get ill occasionally and need to take time off, and sahps are no different.

All parents need plans A, B and C for childcare emergencies. Parents should help each other when they can, but if they can’t there needs to be a plan B or C.

My DH would be the same. Its so bloody annoying

My husband’s job is hugely flexible when he’s here (he travels once a month or so) so regardless of if I was working or the times I was on mat leave he’d of course have helped in this way. I know you say his work is flexible but it sounds like someone would have to cover him so that’s still an ask and something you don’t want to do often. This would absolutely fall into the ‘drop everything’ category for me though.

This is a bit odd tbh - if it were me I'd want to know why he wouldn't ask, in these circumstances. I'd phrase it like "Look, I'm not trying to pick a fight, but it seems strange that you can't do the school run, as you have dependency leave - why is it you won't ask? Because it makes me feel that there must be something else going on". Eg is he worried about losing his job? Has he already taken time off for counselling for himself, that you don't know about? Is there a particular reason he hates the school run?

Otherwise... immodium?? 😬Depending on how far you have to go. Won't stop you chucking, so take a bag. But will at least stop you pooing yourself, which is worse 🙃

What if there just… isn’t one? My youngest is disabled. There literally just isn’t a plan B or C, because no one else will have him. They’re not willing to take on the responsibility. So plans A, B, C and right all the way to Z involve other DH or I taking time off work.

He’s being ridiculous. Why is he so scared of calling his boss? It’s a simple request. My wife is sick and I need to take my child to school. You can even take unpaid leave for emergencies like this.
Id tell him you’re not taking him to school tomorrow and he needs to do it end of.

This. Definitely not my life as a SAHM. Sorry op.

Remind your husband that it will pass a lot more quickly if you can rest up for the day rather than if you push yourself looking after DS.

My husband would absolutely cover school runs if i was ill. On the days he works from home he would just block out 30 mins in his diary and do it.
If it was an office day, he would do the early school run and then go into work a little later. Then hopefully i could do the later one.
I've had back issues recently and doctors / hospital appointments to juggle as well so we've needed flexibility.
Hes been in his team for ages, has a good relationship with his boss and the give and take seems fair both ways.

I'm glad some people have nice supportive partners. I've just been told he can't do the school run. When I asked why he replied because I can't. Unfortunately it was by text so can't even have a proper conversation. Pisses me off.
I can't go back to work because of DSs SEN but I wish I could sometimes

Yep. I’m not a SAHM anymore but when I was my DH would move things around if he possibly could. There were times he couldn’t but I knew and understood why in those circumstances and it wasn’t the norm. I think how they respond in this situation betrays the overall parenting approach - are the kids our kids that we are collectively responsible for and we share this out in the best way for us as a family. OR is he treating you like an employee who he has fully delegated this task to and the kids are now your problem.
I never felt like my DH thought the kids were my problem. When he couldn’t take time off it was because collectively we agreed I was, even ill, the best option to care for them. Equally whenever it made sense for him to take time off, he would.

I work part time, as I’m disabled and so is ds. Dh works full time and earn 5x what I do. I found it hard when DS was young, if dh got ill he took himself to bed and the house/parenting carried on as normal but if I was ill I still had to get up as normal and get on. When my physical health declined dh had no choice but to step up so now things are very different plus as DS has got older he’s more independent.
but yes it was tough I think dh felt a pressure at work and I had to suffer that

This really isn’t a SAHM/work problem. It’s a DH problem. A man who will treat you like this when you’re a SAHM will also treat you poorly as a working mum. No doubt you’d be the one requesting school holiday time off or taking time off because your child was sick.

The reason I mention this is because so often mumsnet gives a simple ‘go back to work’ as the answer. Obviously in your situation, you can’t anyway. But it also isn’t a panacea.

You have three options.

1. be annoyed but put up with being treated poorly
2. actively challenge this in your marriage, seek counselling etc
3. leave him and be a single parent

No one can really tell you which. In my experience most women seem to go for option 1) and then sometimes after decades go nuclear with option 3).

There is no good reason for him to say no to the morning school run if you’re likely to shit your pants or vomit while doing it.

but I do think it’s fair for him to ask you to find another parent to pick them up in the afternoon - as 3pm is v disruptive to a workday when you’re trying to catch up after being off

DS finishes at 1 though so I think it's a bit much asking them to pick up and as I said I don't know them. If he was in until 3:DH could (well maybe) finish 10 minutes early and pick up as they finish at 3. Not that it matters as he said no anyway, I suspect he didn't even ask!

Next time he’s ill, leave the kids with him and go out. It’s not normal, he’s an arsehole.

While your husband could have been better in the manner in which this was discussed, I can see that being the sole earner supporting a family can sometimes feel quite a weight. Particularly in some current job markets and if they have just themselves been out of the office a while. There may be an element of him not wanting to rock the boat with work etc. Rather than assuming he is being an arsehole, I would probably have an open discussion with him. Some workplaces, although flexible, do have limits on that flexibility etc and some take differing views when there is a stay at home partner.

I’m not saying whether he is right or wrong, but I think that without knowing more, it feels wrong to all shame him.

Just worth approaching as a team and having some backup plans going forward. Maybe chat to school as they will have ideas as they want kids in school.

Hope you feel better soon!

I would say 'I can't' isn't a proper answer.
Has he phoned the school to say his child won't be in? Because they won't be impressed.

I would say dh ‘unless you do this for me the next time you are sick I’m going away on holiday and you can discover the joys of parenting when sick. Think back to the last few days and how that would have gone without me. You’ve just convinced me that I will be going back to work and I will not cover for your share of the parenting load, you can just manage it whether sick or well. You’ve got leave when you’re sick, I did everything, but you dont seem to think I deserve anything like that kind of support. Don’t be such a nasty dickhead.

ah - I see you can’t work. You can in evenings and weekends; think very hard about that. Also, he can be the stay at home parent while you work, or you both go part time. There are options.
For now, email the teacher and explain ds didn’t go in because you were ill and his dad didn’t think it mattered, cc dh. This is such shitty partner behaviour, he’s been so enabled. I’d send that email, tell a friend, and not be talking to dh ir doing anything for him- shopping cooking washing, full stop for quite some time. No one should pretend a marriage without respect and support is ok.

I phoned the school (of course). They said they would meet him in the car park if I could make it but not to stress about it if I couldn't.
I did get to drop him off but we were late because I'm still suffering. School were nicer to me than my husband and will also bring him back to the car if I phone to say I'm outside.
I have been through it with DH before, so so many times. When I point out that I do everything when he's sick he just says well you'd be doing that regardless of whether I'm here or not.
I think he deliberately doesn't get it.