Is this just the life of a SAHM?

[Stressedoutmummyof3]

What happens in your house when you as the SAHP are sick? DD2 brought diarrhea home last week, DH caught it yesterday and now I have it.
It doesn't seem too bad (they both had it for a bit less than 24 hours) so hopefully by tomorrow afternoon I'll be okay.
DH had yesterday and today off sick and I asked after I was ill if he could take 30 minutes dependency leave tomorrow to take DS to school and hopefully I'll be fine for pick up after lunch.
Straight away no. Not a reason just no. I don't have anyone else. Older kids will be at college and work. Don't know any of the mum's at school because DS does reduced hours so never see them at drop off (and think it would be very cheeky to expect a parent I don't even know to make a separate trip to drop DS off.) I guess if he won't do it I'll just have to keep DS home but it's really unfair. I did everything yesterday and this morning but when I'm ill I either have to risk having an accident on the school run or keep DS home and get no rest. He has severe special needs so it's not like he'll just sit quietly and watch a DVD or something.
I just feel a bit pissed off. I might be fine by tomorrow but I don't want to risk going to school and back twice if my stomach is still bad.
Is this just the life of a SAHM?

You need to work op- anything. Tell him clearly you love him less now. He’d be doing his job on a weekday but he took sick leave. If your child’s dad won’t be your support then he’s not a good partner or a parent. Did you have a career?

When I was on maternity leave or days I was home when I was part time and the children were very young my husband wouldn't have been able to pop home for school pick ups and drop offs because his was a physical, practical job that required him on site.

However, my mum or my sister would have helped in this situation. Or for friends without local family I've helped with school drop offs in similar situations.

If your child's on a reduced timetable and has SEN, could you call the school and talk to the family engagement officer? I know at our school in this situation we would have the walking bus knock and pick him up or find a way.

What do single parents do when they have the runs? Married parents when the partner's away in the armed forces/on an oil rig/in prison? It happens and it will happen again. People get poorly. Ask the school. Build your village. Is there a class whatsapp group? A local group for parents of children with SEN?

I would have made him ring them. And then he would have had to explained why he wasn't taking him in!
Glad the school were helpful.

I’m sorry your DH isn’t helpful OP. This wouldn’t improve if you were working probably.

I was a sahm for several years and DH worked full time. It was a rare occasion when I needed his help like this, but it does happen and DH always made it work if he could.

Now both of us work (me just part time and I do most of the school runs and childcare), but DH can wfh a lot. DD threw up last night and I’m actually on a course today. DH had no issue at all staying home with her and he’ll just do basic admin and to be honest she’ll just lie on the sofa and be no bother. I’d have cancelled my course if I had to, but I’m very glad we work as a team and he was able to step up.

It's times like this that networking with other parents really pays off.

I know you've said that it wouldn't work for you, but there are five other sets of parents within 100m of us I would have no hesitation in asking for help with for the school run, and there's a further four or five within the same distance I don't know quite as well but could ask if I was really stuck. It's a mutual system - because I'm the SAHD it's usually one of them asking me (or me offering first). I'm actually picking two other kids up this afternoon because their sibling has diarrhoea and someone has to stay in the house with him, and I'd have taken them in this morning if I'd known about it.

Doesn't your DS go to parties, or have playdates? I'm really struggling to see how you don't know a single other parent.

No - that’s how life is when you have a jerk of a husband.

I don’t know if you missed the bit where the OP said her son has severe SEN and that he’s on a reduced timetable.
Sadly, often children with severe SEN aren’t invited to parties, or if they are they can’t go because it’s too much for them. Also due to the reduced timetable the OP said that they would have to do a special trip, separate to taking their own child, which few are willing to do.
i don’t think people realise how small your ‘village’ can be when you have a child with severe SEN. I have loads of people who would happily pick up/drop off/look after my 2 DDs. I have no one who would be able to do the same for my DS.

I would be swiftly offering divorce. What kind of man does this to their ill partner? Occasionally I’ll have to argue about who is doing drop off but my husband would never once think to question it if I was sick! Just mad

Sounds like you should get a job and he could do all the caring for an ND child. He's an arse!

Pretty much the same. My DDs are out of education now but when they were younger there were about 5 parents I could call on for emergency childcare. For DS no-one.
I think if I asked a parent (if I knew one) to make a separate trip for DS I'd be called a CF🤔

Leave him to fend for himself whenever he's ill. Don't take him water or anything. Sounds like he's an unreasonable, selfish man. My son's dad (separated many years ago) thought it was 'helpful' for him to 'get out of my way' (go to the pub) whenever I was ill...& leave me looking after a very young baby/child!!

You’re not angry enough about this. Next time, do t ask him, TELL him he’s got to. “You’d be doing all that anyway” No. turn the narrative around. “You’re able to rest and recuperate when you’re ill, and I’m not. How is that fair?” Make him answer. Save up a hundred quid so you can go to a Travelodge next time you’re ill. Don’t let him get away with it.

DH never took time off work when I was sick - he couldn’t work at home. But I always knew other mums who would be prepared to help and take/ fetch DC from school if I was ill.f

Since when is diarrhoea contagious?

Of course diarrhoea can be contagious, of caused by a virus or a bacteria (which is very often the case).

I think people just don’t understand the realities of SEN parenting. Of course in an ideal world we’d have an army of volunteers willing to help us out!

Your partner is an AH. You can’t work because of your child’s needs. This means you have no pension, no funds to fall back on etc. You are both parents and he doesn’t get to pick and choose.

I would start making waves by saying you are going to go back to work and he will need to step up. It will be an interesting conversation and you will know for sure that you can’t count on him.

you are already a single parent anyway so why not get rid of the deadweight as you are doing it all alone anyway.

He won't let me go back to work. He won't cut down his hours or give up work because he keeps telling me he's got a great pension and I don't need to work.
I really can't go back to work without support, as I said he's in school for a few hours a day. DH keeps saying once DS is in full-time (which won't be until he gets a place in a special school so months away) I can get a pre school job as I'm qualified in childcare but those jobs are like gold dust. I just know I won't get any support if I went for something even part time.

Then you have HUGE problems in your marriage. I take it your husband is the father ? What a wanker ‘ won’t let you go to work ‘.

to be honest as a SAHM i don’t get a break when i am ill, whereas if i was in work i would get sick days. imo it’s one of the worst parts of being a SAHM.

Op no one has the right to stop you going out to work. It may be very difficult logistically but you mustn’t become financial
dependent on a man who believes that it is his right to “forbid” you to do anything!

Nor do you want to become financially dependent on an uncaring arse who not only says no to doing one school run when you are incapacitated but believes it’s ok to just say “no” without a respectful discussion.

You don’t need his permission to work op. I know it might be a nightmare with childcare but having no money and no pension can be seriously difficult too!

I hope that you are feeling much better now.