The vitriol for SAHPs on this site is insane

[JustSoFrustrated]

So many insisting it “isn’t work” and that we’re lazy, calling us “leeches” on our spouses, saying that “housework doesn’t take that long” and assuming we’re either “faffing about” or filling our time with made-up work or leisure activities…

Honestly, I wish they could all take a turn doing what I do each day and see if they still think it isn’t work or that it only takes “two hours max” daily to keep the house running—Someone told me that it only takes 20 minutes to hoover the entire house! I was like, I could do maybe one room in 20 minutes. Are they not picking things up off the floor first or moving furniture?? It also makes me imagine that their homes are TINY, and that they don’t have much of a garden, or at least not one that’s their responsibility to maintain. They also all have older, more independent children and seem to have forgotten how much supervision and assistance young children need, and how much of a mess they make constantly.

Someone else was like, “It takes five minutes per meal to do the dishes,” and I thought, what the hell are they feeding their kids? Maybe if you microwave cans of soup, or pop a tray of chicken nuggets in the oven on a single sheet pan, or boil pasta in one pot and then dump a jar of sauce over it… And that’s fine to do every once in a while, but not for every meal. If you’re actually cooking cooking— you know, chopping fruits and veggies, working with meat, cooking different components to a meal in the way they taste best, serving them on real dishes, with real cutlery to eat with… Dishes are gonna take you more than 5 minutes per meal, even with a dishwasher (Unless they’re just popping their dishes and cookware in without rinsing them off at all?? In which case I’m assuming their dishwashers are rank inside!)

And when you explain to them, this is how much work I have to do, and how much time it takes me, they either start concluding you’re “plodding around”/doing it inefficiently/incorrectly, or they’ll start suggesting that you downsize your life so that you’re less busy… presumably so you can get “a real job.” But that’s totally not the point; why would I make it so my family has a less enjoyable or less luxurious life, and see my DC less, just so I can go to work to make money that we don’t really need?

I’m tempted to just start insisting to WOHP that their houses must be disgustingly dirty and that they’re obviously cleaning wrong if it takes them so little time… or that they’re “faffing around” at work all day, because obviously if families with SAHP can live comfortably on one income, then their work must be really inefficient…

But that wouldn’t be reasonable, would it?

Well I work full time and so does my husband

Our house isn’t a shit tip because we clean it. Together.
We do batch cook but we also cook on the day too. And if it’s not on the table in 15 mins, we WAIT. You won’t die from getting a bit hungry.
We are screen free and don’t do freezer food
We manage!

Exactly. These threads tend to ignore the fact that working mothers can also be judged awfully on here. SAHM's might be sometimes called lazy or accused of faffing but at least they are never asked why they bothered to have children.

I was called sick for sending DS to nursery when he was a baby
I've been accused of running away from my responsibilities as a parent
I've been told that I don't prioritise my children
I've been told that I'm selfish and materialistic
I've been told I don't raise my children

etc

In any case I don't think it's a good role model for girls or boys even. Daddy goes to work and earns money and Mummy does the cleaning amd looks after the children. Not good in this day and age.

Are you on the wind up OP?

20mins to vacuum one room - for real?

I'm a working parent, and today WFH (I work out of house a few days a week too). Just popped the kettle on for a quick tea break between meetings and managed to do the breakfast dishes in that kettle-boiling time. Meanwhile, the robot hoover is programmed to clean morning and evening daily, so had vacuumed the entire downstairs whilst i was working so it was lovely and clean. The robot mop is currently doing the kitchen whilst I work, and it does this every second day. When I grab lunch I'll shove the wet washing (which I threw in the machine this morning whilst kids ate breakfast) on the line too. Bedrooms already tidy upstairs as the kids have their chores.

It genuinely doesn't take us many hours to keep the house clean here. So, from my perspective, those people claiming that it doesn't take more than an hour or so a day (max!) aren't necessarily lying. They are perhaps just implementing more efficient ways of cleaning (robot hoovers, delay setting on washing machine, food prep at weekends).

I’m a SAHM and was fully prepared to back you OP but then I started laughing. You take 20 mins to hoover one room? I could easily do the whole house in twenty minutes and my house is very large with 3 kids, two dogs and a cat.

20 mins per room? Blimey no wonder there is no time for work.

SAHP do get a bit of a bashing on here and I get it, those of us not working currently do forget the juggle that working parents have. I feel fortunate that I can be at home but am I run ragged? Nope. I keep on top of stuff, but my day is not completely devoted to housework. Sun’s out now so off to sit on my arse for a bit.

The end part was me using the same logic and making assumptions the way certain people on MN do. Like I said, it makes no sense, and it’s important to consider different variables in each person’s lives.

fine words, OP, but that is rowing back on what you said.
so essentially you have seen a couple of (unsubstantiated) comments and extrapolated that to "wah wah everyone digs on SAHPs"?

FWIW: we used to do a room a day, cook from scratch and got extra sets of cutlery etc so we could put everything through the diswasher.

But, as many have said: lots of years as a SAHP can have serious repurcussions, especially for women, in terms of pension etc, especially if something unforseen and uplanned for happens (death, divorce, incapacity) of either parent. I hope that you are paying into a pension in your name, and have lots of good insurance.

Maybe I am jealous. I hadn’t really analysed it before.

Certainly I am looking forward to a very early retirement, so will have the same amount of time available at that point.

But I can’t see me using my additional free time “running the household” because it is already run.

I might spend an extra couple of hours a week in the garden, but that’s a hobby.

We eat well. The kids are delightful and a pleasure to engage with. The house is clean, fresh and looks pleasant. I just can’t see what the benefit would be of me spending an extra 8 hours a day on any of it.

I mustn’t read the same posts as yourself. I’ve never seen any hate for SAHP’s tbh.

Seriously? Are you new here? On pretty much every thread where a man is leaving his family or found to be having an affair, and the poster mentions she's a SAHP, you can guarantee within a few comments it will start...the "you're lazy, he's had enough of carrying you, he's stressed being sole provider, blah blah". It's awful to witness - kicking a woman when she's down. The daft thing is any woman who works as an employee knows being at home with the DC is far more stressful than going to work.

I fully intended to be a SAHP, but couldn't cope with it. I just wasn't cut out for it and enjoyed escaping to work for a rest! It was also obvious the number of men who hung around the office avoiding going home where they might have to deal with any aspects of domestic drudgery. Better to count their paperclips and waste time, so they could go home and pretend to be exhausted from all that work.

I would say however that not being employed does put you in a vulnerable position if the marriage breaks down. Women can't win really.

Get a grip of yourself OP. You sound dreadful!

yeah and if you work full time you have to fit all that house work in regardless!

i don't get the big competition though or why you care what anyone else thinks.

Being a SAHM is my idea of hell - i way prefer being at work - don't give a shit what anyone else does though

You must live in some size of house if it takes you 20 minutes to hoover 1 room 😂

So in our house ...
Everyone* brings their own crockery and cutlery into the kitchen and one person (take it in turns) loads it into the dishwasher.
As this is happening, the person washing up puts the taps on to fill the sink.
While the sink is filing, that person wipes the kitchen surfaces down.

They then wash all the items that don't get put in the dishwasher for whatever reason. For a family of 4 that's probably glasses, a couple of pans, a baking tray and maybe some oddities like tupperware. Anything that was hard baked on was left to soak while we were eating dinner. It really does only take 5 minutes to wash them.
And, later on in the evening, when someone is waiting for the kettle to boil to make a hot drink they will put the items that were washed in the cupboard.

*from about age 4.
I appreciate this scenario doesn't have just the SAHP doing everything, but frankly even if you have a SAHP everyone should be chipping in to help out in ways like this .
Otherwise you are not a SAHP but a house slave. Or maybe a martyr determined to point out how long housework takes.

That's going to largely depend on the woman's career and also her children, how old they are and how many she has.

I don't find being at home with DC to be stressful on the whole but work is certainly stressful.

Has this topic not already been covered enough?

Give it a rest.

Some people will think you’re lazy if you’re a SAHP some people won’t.

What does it matter? Why care so much what others think?

I’m a SAHP and unmarried. In real life, no one has commented but I have noticed on here that people make comments of concern to those in my situation. I have no choice due to my child’s heart and lung condition and my work have been understanding and held my job open for me. I love being a SAHP (although we are rarely in the house!).

What does "working with meat" involve?
I was a SAHP for about 6 years and it was pretty cushy to be honest, but then I never worked with meat so maybe I did it wrong

@GoingToGraceland I too think there’s rather too much of the ‘you need to get a job/ he’s got too much stress with 1 income’ etc - those choices are often choices made together depending on circumstances. It’s actually quite rare to find a woman insisting on not working with a resentful husband - and I’m one who is all for women working- but yep I see those comments too

Wow aren’t you a charmer. Yes everyone else other than sahm lives in total squalor. How could they not.?!

Never seen any SAHP state any household task that they do that a working parent doesn’t do.
yesterday I did school drop off, pick up worked 8 hours, 1 child had a friend round after school, sorted dinner (multiple dishes that husband had cooked the day before) so just needed reheating, did a load of washing, washed up, made 3 packed lunches, took 1 child to an activity, exercised, did some ‘life admin’, emptied and loaded dishwasher, cleaned kitchen. Still had time to sit and watch some tv.

I have to agree with you.
I have one of each. Should I really be telling my son that you need to work hard at school, go to uni or college and find good employment and my daughter no you may as well not bother as all you will do is change nappies, clean your house and a man will fund you through life.

I hope not as my daughter wants to be an engineer and works harder than my son at present anyway hahaha

I think many of us feel sahp are vulnerable -we see it time and time again on the relationship boards. I’m very happy that if dh suddenly said “I don’t love you” I am in a position to say “well there’s the door” and be able to keep a roof over my dc head from my income.

we work ft, have a cleaner, cook most meals from scratch except the occasional pizza etc. works for us. Spending 20 minutes vacuuming a room doesn’t sound like a life I’d want - get a roomba and enjoy your time not working.

Apart from the mant hours of childcare

Also I can walk a mile in 20 mins so if definitely doesn’t take 20 mins to hoover a room.

Some insecure working parents feel compelled to downplay the contributions of stay-at-home parents (SAHPs) to validate their own choices. They dismiss logic or evidence that challenges their self-affirming narrative and tend to be particularly sensitive to criticism of working parents, noticing it more acutely.

Likewise, some insecure SAHPs minimise the contributions of working parents to reinforce their own decisions. They, too, disregard opposing perspectives and are often more alert to criticism of SAHPS, perceiving it more strongly.

However, many others - both working parents and SAHPs - are secure in their choices and focused on what works best for their own families. They don't seek validation from anonymous users on online forums. They recognise that both working and staying at home come with trade-offs, and that the right balance depends on each family's particular circumstances. They often feel empathy for those who appear insecure, understanding that criticism can stem from personal pain or worry. For the most part, they simply scroll past and move on.