The vitriol for SAHPs on this site is insane

[JustSoFrustrated]

So many insisting it “isn’t work” and that we’re lazy, calling us “leeches” on our spouses, saying that “housework doesn’t take that long” and assuming we’re either “faffing about” or filling our time with made-up work or leisure activities…

Honestly, I wish they could all take a turn doing what I do each day and see if they still think it isn’t work or that it only takes “two hours max” daily to keep the house running—Someone told me that it only takes 20 minutes to hoover the entire house! I was like, I could do maybe one room in 20 minutes. Are they not picking things up off the floor first or moving furniture?? It also makes me imagine that their homes are TINY, and that they don’t have much of a garden, or at least not one that’s their responsibility to maintain. They also all have older, more independent children and seem to have forgotten how much supervision and assistance young children need, and how much of a mess they make constantly.

Someone else was like, “It takes five minutes per meal to do the dishes,” and I thought, what the hell are they feeding their kids? Maybe if you microwave cans of soup, or pop a tray of chicken nuggets in the oven on a single sheet pan, or boil pasta in one pot and then dump a jar of sauce over it… And that’s fine to do every once in a while, but not for every meal. If you’re actually cooking cooking— you know, chopping fruits and veggies, working with meat, cooking different components to a meal in the way they taste best, serving them on real dishes, with real cutlery to eat with… Dishes are gonna take you more than 5 minutes per meal, even with a dishwasher (Unless they’re just popping their dishes and cookware in without rinsing them off at all?? In which case I’m assuming their dishwashers are rank inside!)

And when you explain to them, this is how much work I have to do, and how much time it takes me, they either start concluding you’re “plodding around”/doing it inefficiently/incorrectly, or they’ll start suggesting that you downsize your life so that you’re less busy… presumably so you can get “a real job.” But that’s totally not the point; why would I make it so my family has a less enjoyable or less luxurious life, and see my DC less, just so I can go to work to make money that we don’t really need?

I’m tempted to just start insisting to WOHP that their houses must be disgustingly dirty and that they’re obviously cleaning wrong if it takes them so little time… or that they’re “faffing around” at work all day, because obviously if families with SAHP can live comfortably on one income, then their work must be really inefficient…

But that wouldn’t be reasonable, would it?

Oh @JustSoFrustrated the blatant hypocrisy of your post is hilarious.

just be confident in the lifestyle you’ve chosen. You don’t need to try to validate yourself by criticising others who do differently to you. One might even accuse you of vitriol.

PS I don’t care whether people are SAHP or work - I’ve done both.

I think YABU to be honest.I was a SAHM for a long time.I would hoover maybe a few times a week ,wash floors ,laundry and so on .A lot of the day out to the park or friends .walking the dog and so on.Meals in the slow cooker ,and prep veggies .DH would wash up and do bedtimes .Heck ,would even hoover at WE! Some simple pasta dishes ,and occasionally a Roast Dinner type thing .My DD ate about 5 dishes growing up (very fussy eater) Unless you are cooking home made Shepherds pie every night I cant see how you have so many dishes.

I am surely not hoovering for 2 hours, I have kids and a dog, and my house is spotless. I am just organised and I find it very amusing when people need to pass a judgment.

It wouldn't be spotless if my kids were allowed to leave their dirty and muddy kits all over the place like they would like to do, but that's a battle I am happy to fight until they have their own house 😂

Are you the poster who kept telling everybody how busy you are with misting your moss arrangements?

People will do what they need to do in the time they have. Busy people are more efficient, and SAHMs with kids in school will stretch their tasks out to fill the day. If you have hours and hours of free time, I agree you won't need to be as fast and efficient as possible. And if you had less time, you would also be able to fill your dishwasher in 5 minutes, and put away your groceries without taking half a day off.

And of course it's insulting to tell WOHMs their tiny houses must be filthy and their kids only eat tinned soup. But you know that very well yourself.

I'm almost convinced it is.

Said poster wasn't happy when I pointed out that they spend a lot of time on here considering they were so very busy and didn't have a moment to themselves.

They seem desperate to justify what they do to working mothers. It's bizarre.

I do t think it will help that you claim it takes 20 minutes to hoover one room, unless you live in a castle or something. I don't think it's normal to move all the furniture every time you hoover either.

Meghan isn't a sahp. She works really hard, don't you know 😂

Yawn.

Yes, people say those things. But they say those things in response to specific posts - if it bugs you that when you're sharing how difficult your day is that someone comes along and says "well, you're creating work by rinsing dishes before they go in the dishwasher, by handwashing plastics, by moving the furniture every time you hoover - and do you do that every day?!" then that's a you problem.

But you know, if it makes you feel better to seethe about how no one appreciates your efforts in the home then crack on.

My personal favourites are the posters who return to 50 hour work weeks straight after having their child and insist anyone who does slightly less than them is a benefit scrounger on the taxpayer or gold-digger on their husband.

There's no way they're actually happy overworking and burning themselves out that's why they take it out on Sahms and even mum's who work part time

Are you one of those types that irons tea towels & socks OP?

We get it… you’re amazing!!

you have a 1950’s pristine house… no dust bunnies under any furniture for you!!
20 minutes hoovering each room every day!!
wow!!
And the home cooked meals… fabulous … all that time, slaving over your Aga, perfecting your beef wellington or lobster Thermidor … how lucky your children are…. (Remind me… what are your children doing when you’re spending hours spring cleaning EVERYDAY… or doing your cordon bleu cookery??)

But how tall your ivory tower must be, to be able to look down on all the other mums who dare to spend a fraction of their time cooking and cleaning.

how dreadful these mums who haven’t got the luxury of being a SAHM, so come home after work, and throw a easy meal in the oven… those poor kids!
having to live in a dust laden pig sty!

The fact is… why the hell do you care what any other mum thinks of whether or not you spend all your time cooking and cleaning ???
As long as you are happy and your kids are contented and healthy … you’re winning.

so true

they also very conveniently forget how much HELP they have.

Even with kids in secondary school, I couldn't work full-time without help, unless I stick them all in boarding school. I physically cannot be at work and with my kids!

I was a SAHP for many, many years and worked incredibly hard at it. I’d spend ages planning meals, moving furniture out of the way, preparing for the next day, arranging and planning days out, all the school admin, school runs, homework planning, medical appointments, night feeds, care of ill children etc was down to me alone. It was hard work and on top of that I also felt very judged by society.

I now work and feel I need to fit in all of the above as well as my work hours. So yes, sometimes corners are cut - I don’t move my bed on a weekly basis anymore and I don’t feel I should be judged for not doing so. I work and do the most crucial parts that need doing, the rest will have to wait until I’ve got a few holiday days to take.

I can see both sides of this debate and the only thing it comes down to is “it’s not for me to judge others - the end”.
Remind yourself of that as well OP.

You'd think a professional housewife would know that, yes, you can place dirty plates straight into a dishwasher?
Even if you do indeed have a TINY house and not much of a garden, perish the thought.

Are they direct quotes in your opening paragraph? Because I’ve been on parenting forums coming up 15 years now and most women have a habit of being passive aggressive rather than directly calling another woman a leech, in my experience it’s more “I’d be bored out of my mind” type comments.

I’ve seen plenty of mud slinging on both sides of this well trodden and tiresome topic, but not quite how you describe. But hope it made you feel better to say it nonetheless which is what I assume you were after.

The thing is, would anyone really have judged you for not moving your bed regularly as a SAHP? Or was that judgement self imposed?

Most of us don't really care enough about the housework standards of other people to judge what they do. We're too busy worrying about our own shit. But I do understand that people internalise stuff and then subject themselves to unnecessary standards that may cause them stress. I don't know what the solution is.

I’m confused, what are you moving furniture for on a daily basis?

I really don't care if other people want to spend all day to make chicken nuggets from scratch, vacuum their house 3x a day, do 5 loads of laundry a day or iron their bedsheets and underwear. We are all trying to give our children a good life. It does irk me though when some SAHP make it out like they're working harder than working parents or working parents are not as good parents as them.

I love ironing tea towels! Deeply satisfying, and as I have so many (souvenir of choice!) I have to iron them otherwise they wouldn’t all fit in the drawer.

I would love to be a stay at home parent now. My kids are 21, 15, 12 and 10 though 😂

When I was a SAHM back in the day, I did very little housework. That wasn't why I was at home, we shared that in the evenings. Obviously I did some bits, chucked a wash on when there was time etc. But I wasn't spending my days hoovering and dusting.

Fair enough if you enjoy it. 😀

From my perspective, life is too short to iron tea towels. If they wouldn't fit in the drawer without being ironed, I would consider it time to rationalise my tea towel collection!

Agreed, I placed the judgment on myself at times because I was faced with so many “but what do you do ALL day” type of comments. I don’t think anyone should get involved in anyone else’s life choices full stop, unless directly asked for their opinion. Work or don’t work, as long as I’m not asked to pay your bills I do not get involved. I am happier as a person since I started working interestingly enough - leaving the house at times did wonders for my mental health. But to each their own!

Any vitriol is coming because you’re trying to compare your life as just as packed and difficult as someone’s who is also doing all the cleaning cooking washing parenting admin and also working. Your life is easier! It’s less stressful! You will have more free time! And guess what, that’s completely fine, valid and OK. You don’t have to pretend that cooking from scratch is equivalent to having a paid job in terms of stress and time. Your whole post is about how SAHMing is just as time consuming as working and parenting and we all intuitively know that just isn’t true. People dislike that, it puts their backs up.

Just tell the truth and own it - “ yup, I SAH and I love it and I know working would be much more stressful for me, I’ve got a lovely big house and garden that I like taking care of and I love to cook and look after my kids and that’s my life. 💅”

People respect authenticity.

Exactly it's almost impossible to find a full-time job that fits around the kids or even a nursery that's open all day. But that wont get in the way of them feeling smug and superior that theyre better than all " gold diggers and benefits scroungers" 🙄

Been her for over 20 years on various different user names.

And no, being a SAHM is not more difficult than a working one. They are different, sure. But just because you couldn't do it, doesn't make it easier.