The vitriol for SAHPs on this site is insane

[JustSoFrustrated]

So many insisting it “isn’t work” and that we’re lazy, calling us “leeches” on our spouses, saying that “housework doesn’t take that long” and assuming we’re either “faffing about” or filling our time with made-up work or leisure activities…

Honestly, I wish they could all take a turn doing what I do each day and see if they still think it isn’t work or that it only takes “two hours max” daily to keep the house running—Someone told me that it only takes 20 minutes to hoover the entire house! I was like, I could do maybe one room in 20 minutes. Are they not picking things up off the floor first or moving furniture?? It also makes me imagine that their homes are TINY, and that they don’t have much of a garden, or at least not one that’s their responsibility to maintain. They also all have older, more independent children and seem to have forgotten how much supervision and assistance young children need, and how much of a mess they make constantly.

Someone else was like, “It takes five minutes per meal to do the dishes,” and I thought, what the hell are they feeding their kids? Maybe if you microwave cans of soup, or pop a tray of chicken nuggets in the oven on a single sheet pan, or boil pasta in one pot and then dump a jar of sauce over it… And that’s fine to do every once in a while, but not for every meal. If you’re actually cooking cooking— you know, chopping fruits and veggies, working with meat, cooking different components to a meal in the way they taste best, serving them on real dishes, with real cutlery to eat with… Dishes are gonna take you more than 5 minutes per meal, even with a dishwasher (Unless they’re just popping their dishes and cookware in without rinsing them off at all?? In which case I’m assuming their dishwashers are rank inside!)

And when you explain to them, this is how much work I have to do, and how much time it takes me, they either start concluding you’re “plodding around”/doing it inefficiently/incorrectly, or they’ll start suggesting that you downsize your life so that you’re less busy… presumably so you can get “a real job.” But that’s totally not the point; why would I make it so my family has a less enjoyable or less luxurious life, and see my DC less, just so I can go to work to make money that we don’t really need?

I’m tempted to just start insisting to WOHP that their houses must be disgustingly dirty and that they’re obviously cleaning wrong if it takes them so little time… or that they’re “faffing around” at work all day, because obviously if families with SAHP can live comfortably on one income, then their work must be really inefficient…

But that wouldn’t be reasonable, would it?

But it still takes time to rinse the dishes before loading them, and things like large pots and pans don’t always fit inside. It doesn’t take hours, but it certainly doesn’t only take 5 minutes

I also hand wash anything that’s made of plastic because I worry about micro plastics, but I recognize not everyone is that anal about it

Do you think those of us who work don't do dishes or hoover?

My husband and I both wfh a lot of the time. There are dishes to be done, mess to be cleared, through the day.

You're not supposed to rinse dishes before they go in the washer. Sometimes my dishwasher is run twice after dinner for all the stuff if I've cooked something complex but it does only take 5 mins a time to load it.

I'm sure you have to do slightly more with kids at home but those of us who work have to hoover and make dinner too. The bit of your job that is hard is the childcare, not the fact you have to wash up.

Are they not picking things up off the floor first or moving furniture??

It also makes me imagine that their homes are TINY, and that they don’t have much of a garden, or at least not one that’s their responsibility to maintain.

and I thought, what the hell are they feeding their kids? Maybe if you microwave cans of soup, or pop a tray of chicken nuggets in the oven on a single sheet pan, or boil pasta in one pot and then dump a jar of sauce over it…

(Unless they’re just popping their dishes and cookware in without rinsing them off at all?? In which case I’m assuming their dishwashers are rank inside!)

I’m tempted to just start insisting to WOHP that their houses must be disgustingly dirty and that they’re obviously cleaning wrong if it takes them so little time… or that they’re “faffing around” at work all day, because obviously if families with SAHP can live comfortably on one income, then their work must be really inefficient…

Just a few insulting comments from your OP.

I have no issue with SAHPs. As I said, DH was one for a while. But I agree with other posters, SAHMs on MN who suggest that living a normal life, with no significant medical or SEN needs for their children is SOOOOO hard, actually can be a bit tedious. Money is tight for us right now. But I can acknowledge that "tight" for us is NOTHING compared to what many people are suffering from financially.

As many people have already said, you aren't supposed to rinse them.

OP why do you care about convincing working women that you are busy. You have nothing to prove to anyone. I just don't get these threads.

Those are fair. I would never be a SAH girlfriend!

If you're living in a stately home, then yes, you probably need more than 2 hours a day to keep on top of everything. But most of us don't live in stately homes!

As for washing up, I don't really understand. Most of the stuff goes in the dishwasher. There might be a couple of pans and a chopping board or something to wash by hand, but I can't understand how washing up could take more than around 5 mins? We cook everything from scratch, fwiw.

I think housework is one of those things that expands to fit the time available. Some people are very houseproud and choose to spend hours every day on housework. Others choose to prioritise different things that they consider to be more important. There is nothing wrong with either approach as long as you recognise that it's a choice.

It is perfectly possible to live in a clean and comfortable house, eat healthy, home-cooked food and raise thriving, happy children without turning any of that into a full time job. However, if it makes you happy to spend much of your life on domestic chores, crack on. There is no one right way of living.

Exactly.

I don't need to 'take a turn' at keeping the house running because I already do that, I just work as well.

Honestly I cook from scratch every night, and 5 mins to sort the dishes might be a little short. But 10 is easily do-able.

ETA - and cooking leftovers/batch cooking definitely does not make 5 mins worth of work.

I'm also amused at the assumption that women who work outside the home never were SAHPs (and vice versa)

if you see vitriol, report it. Or counter it properly without going off on one.

If you point some out, perhaps we can all descend on those threads wielding our keyboards of righteous anger.

Having been a stay at home mum, and a part time working mum, and a full time working mum, I can see it from all sides, and as a pp said, when you're a mother of young children, you can't do right for doing wrong.

So I do kind of agree with you @JustSoFrustrated that stay at home mums are lambasted on here. But this thread isn't going to go well for you, as you have pretty much quite badly attacked working mums, and your OP has come across as vitriolic.

I think OP you need to check your definition of judging - you are judging those who do work -I for one had no choice - presumably you are well enough off to have choice on one income -I would have loved to have had choice for a few years.

i think many women comment because over the years there’s an awful lot of mumsnetters been left high and dry with not much cash ( or none) and bugger all to put on a CV if needed. Now if I was in a marriage with a real high flier and knew I had enough to rent or buy somewhere decent if it all went tits up plus cash in bank, maintenance etc - then it wouldn’t bother me - but most simply aren’t in that position and can leave themselves somewhat vulnerable - these days it’s not as simple as’oh you will get a housing association/council place’ or ‘just rent private’ etc

no one thinks their relationship will head southwards- but they can and do

Honestly, I wish they could all take a turn doing what I do each day and see if they still think it isn’t work or that it only takes “two hours max” daily to keep the house running

If you're spending all day every day cooking and cleaning, that's a choice. Fine, if that's what you're into, crack on.

People will laugh at you or roll their eyes when you post shit like this ^ though.

If you're not happy 'doing what you do' all day just stop doing so much of it.

Which one were you in the Stepford wives dear?

I always cook from scratch, don't own a dishwasher not got the space.

So your response to vitriol towards parents who stay at home is vitriol and judgements towards working people who you assume don’t live in good enough home conditions. How lovely.

But it still takes time to rinse the dishes before loading them, and things like large pots and pans don’t always fit inside. It doesn’t take hours, but it certainly doesn’t only take 5 minutes

You aren't supposed to rinse the dishes. Even if you do have to do two loads you do one and come back to them....it's a 5-10 min job max.

But who cares anyway? You do you and don't worry abut what other people think.

Yes, I couldn’t do the house in 20 mins but a room? Absolutely. I could do it properly in 5-10 depending on size, if I need to move rugs etc.

Wel clearly most people keep a home without spending 20 minutes a room a week vacuuming! Two people , half an hour on a Friday evening and our house is cleaned top to bottom. And you are unreasonable to imply that any less just isn’t good enough.

I think SAHP ( once the children are at school ) often on here demonstrate all that’s wrong with being a SAHM - a narrow world view, and an inability to recognise that their preferred option just isn’t available for the vast majority

its kind of like showing off - oh look at our big house our big act out swimming pool our sahp. They are all forms of strutting privilege first and practical second

Some corkers I've read on here from sahms include I didn't have kids just for someone else to raise them, calling working parents part time parents, saying they'd rather have less money and be there for their children.

These things shoot both ways. It's not always coming from one direction.

Some people are just ridiculously sensitive and see anyone doing things differently from them as an attack on them and they respond as though they've been insulted!

Ideally everyone would just respect the fact that we're all doing our best and doing what works best in our individual situations and not make it some sort of competition.

To be clear, I’m not suggesting that. I think most WOHPs manage everything well in addition to working jobs. They set their lives up so that is possible for them…Those few who are saying things like every meal generates only 5 minutes of dishes are questionable though.

The end part was me using the same logic and making assumptions the way certain people on MN do. Like I said, it makes no sense, and it’s important to consider different variables in each person’s lives.

Agreed. What do you mean take a turn? My house is clean, I cook from scratch every night. I work full time. If someone wants to be a SAHP, great. But don’t pretend it is actually physically impossible to do the work in a shorter time. 2 hours a day? That’s loads.
It helps that my husband isn’t lazy - I wouldn’t want to work full time and have a husband who still thought the household stuff should all fall to me.

Would be perfectly reasonable. I assume these things when people tell me similarly. A mother at the school was mortified when her "fussy eater" said they don't just want pasta and pesto for dinner and they'd eat if they had meat and things for for dinner like they do at X's house (I assumed they're a relative).

Thanks. I think you have quoted a post from me. I said that I had a period of gardening leave between jobs for a couple of months. I had kids of 11 and 10 and this was term time. I did all drop offs and pick ups, I cleaned the house, I cooked food from scratch and I could not get to more than a couple of hours a day. I noted that this is entirely different to the exhausting situation when DCs are very small or if your DCs have health needs.

I agree this does depend on how much housework you do. I do not clean all rooms every day, I work on a rota. I also get DCs to do some tidying and at that time DH would also have done some basic tidying as well. I also have a dishwasher and robovac which are helpful. I would reject entirely the suggestion that I am some kind of skank if I do not clean and dust each room every day.

I am not judging, I am only commenting on my own experience. Each to their own.

I was a sahp for years, gym in the morning, dog walk in the afternoon, bit of cleaning before pick up. Bloody loved it, work full time now and still manage to keep the house clean and cook from scratch.