The vitriol for SAHPs on this site is insane

[JustSoFrustrated]

So many insisting it “isn’t work” and that we’re lazy, calling us “leeches” on our spouses, saying that “housework doesn’t take that long” and assuming we’re either “faffing about” or filling our time with made-up work or leisure activities…

Honestly, I wish they could all take a turn doing what I do each day and see if they still think it isn’t work or that it only takes “two hours max” daily to keep the house running—Someone told me that it only takes 20 minutes to hoover the entire house! I was like, I could do maybe one room in 20 minutes. Are they not picking things up off the floor first or moving furniture?? It also makes me imagine that their homes are TINY, and that they don’t have much of a garden, or at least not one that’s their responsibility to maintain. They also all have older, more independent children and seem to have forgotten how much supervision and assistance young children need, and how much of a mess they make constantly.

Someone else was like, “It takes five minutes per meal to do the dishes,” and I thought, what the hell are they feeding their kids? Maybe if you microwave cans of soup, or pop a tray of chicken nuggets in the oven on a single sheet pan, or boil pasta in one pot and then dump a jar of sauce over it… And that’s fine to do every once in a while, but not for every meal. If you’re actually cooking cooking— you know, chopping fruits and veggies, working with meat, cooking different components to a meal in the way they taste best, serving them on real dishes, with real cutlery to eat with… Dishes are gonna take you more than 5 minutes per meal, even with a dishwasher (Unless they’re just popping their dishes and cookware in without rinsing them off at all?? In which case I’m assuming their dishwashers are rank inside!)

And when you explain to them, this is how much work I have to do, and how much time it takes me, they either start concluding you’re “plodding around”/doing it inefficiently/incorrectly, or they’ll start suggesting that you downsize your life so that you’re less busy… presumably so you can get “a real job.” But that’s totally not the point; why would I make it so my family has a less enjoyable or less luxurious life, and see my DC less, just so I can go to work to make money that we don’t really need?

I’m tempted to just start insisting to WOHP that their houses must be disgustingly dirty and that they’re obviously cleaning wrong if it takes them so little time… or that they’re “faffing around” at work all day, because obviously if families with SAHP can live comfortably on one income, then their work must be really inefficient…

But that wouldn’t be reasonable, would it?

This OP Is absolutely hilarious. I think she’s spent too much time justifying her existence to herself. No one here needs her to. But then here we are in our tiny houses with postage stamp gardens and no pets and living in filthy conditions. Oh wait ……

Yeah my big four bed with a huge garden that has a music studio in it is messy but we struggle on 🤣

You know what's funny on this post is how it started as SAHP being looked down in. Well, OP to be honest I am starting to look down on you. Because you're either, an absolutely useless human being who simply couldn't manage a household if you were so unfortunate enough as to have to work. Or you're just an utter snob looking down on people who work. Which is odd as it's its people working that the world continues to go on?

I worked for just over 20 years (and saved enough to accumulate a generous pension and well as help enormously with the mortgage payments) and gave up when my youngest (3rd) was 6 as I just couldn’t cope any more. My husband had the same job as me, tonnes of pressure, endless international travel and long long hours.

Whilst I am very happy with my contribution as a SAHP I just can’t compare my day to day existence now with what it was like working full time AND having 3 children. There’s absolutely no comparison. We now have 4 horses and 4 dogs, a big garden and no help at all as I do it all. Clearly I would have to outsource a lot of this if I returned to full time work but my god, I just wouldn’t be able to do both.

Why wouldn't DH be willing to clean himself?

Exactly.

If someone wants to make scrubbing toilets and washing their family members’ underwear and cleaning up dog shit their life’s work, in exchange for food and a roof over their head, who are we to naysayers?

Some of us want a little more out of life, but to each her own.

No, women who are working obviously don't spend the entire day also on housework at the same. But all the laundry and vet visits and grocery shopping still needs to be done. And yes, I personally do have time to cook elaborate and healthy meals and my large house with several pets is clean.
If you are someone already struggling with this as a SAHM, I agree, you would not manage if you had a job as well. This does not mean no other woman could possibly manage - there have been plenty on this thread who have confirmed that it is entirely possible.

So for disclosure I study atm, so I fall into neither category and have animals to tend to. I think what you are missing op is that people find solutions. They are more efficient. They don’t have copious spare time so they don’t waste it, maybe appreciate elements more than most, that we take for granted.

Whilst it’s nice to think of oodles of spare time we must consider the disadvantages too of not having the extra dimension of working and what that brings - greater social skills, self reliance, rewarding, identity away from domestic work, fulfilment and of course financial stability. And 1 in 2 marriages fail, so the security of employment and financial safety.

There is also the added intellectual stimulation that work can bring.

Just to be balanced I wanted to post this, and to also say that does not discredit your worthwhile efforts or your own choices.

God forbid your Dh had to clean up after himself, or need to help with the laundry 🙄

ordering groceries- how awful. BTW Abel and Cole and riverside exist for fresh veg, and even if you prefer to select yourself it’s way quicker just shopping for fresh veg and getting the staples delivered than it is doing a big shop yourself.

you’re just making yourself sound like a snob.

you say you’re saving money on cleaners and landscapers- are you? My hourly wage more than exceeds that of cleaners and landscapers, so me working isn’t “saving money”. That’s false economy, we have more money me working and outsourcing those things. Plus the professional gardener does a far better job than I ever could.

so what you’re saying is you’re not capable of earning enough to support your family. Which is fine if your dh does, but what would you do if he left, or died, or had a stroke and couldn’t work?

my mum had all the things you do. Then my dad died and she couldn’t afford to keep any of them. House sold, moved out of private school, she’s now in a small flat with no garden and state pension. My friends dad had a severe stroke at 40. Try paying for 24 care and running your lovely big home and pets. That is why I would never be a sahp.

On your other thread you said your DC is in nursery 2 days a week, you have a landscaper and someone who comes in to pick up dog poo, so you are outsourcing a lot of your jobs already and have 2 full days a week with no childcare/education and no work, so you should have ample time.

and a housekeeper as well

Well said.

Some people are just more capable than others.

And that they wear a military uniform… is that classed as a SAHP? Unsure.

There’s a fairy tale “gone is gone”, in which a farmer is convinced that he works much harder than his wife, who replies “‘tis none too easy to keep house”; and they swap roles for a day. Predictably, everything goes wrong for him.

That’s would happen in any circumstance though.

if you dropped someone into my life and told them to get on with it, it would likely be a disaster. They wouldn’t know what food I had in, where the kids were supposed to be, where the dog food was.

i bet she didn’t step into his job on the farm seamlessly either.

although from what I know of farmers their wives are less sahp and more personal assistants. They organise paperwork, feed farmhands, catch sheep, provide first aid, and everything else in between. Many farmers will employ people now to do that job.

Not sure why you’re wilfully blind to the fact that working mothers do the exact same job you do, minus the nine hours a day you don’t work.
You started this post complaining about the vitriol that’s often heaped on SAHP, then have proceeded to heap it on working mothers and surgically illustrate why some SAHP are actually SOBs deserving of vitriol.
I’m a SAHP and I’m not even sure you’re not being deliberately inflammatory against SAHPs.
NObody could be as self-absorbed, entitled and all round ridiculous about housework and how ‘hard’ your privileged day with your kids is as you are pretending to be. I get it, it’s tough. I’ve been there. But there’s a million reasons you’re not off to get a job pronto. And THAT’S the real reason you’re here - you want to whine about your difficulties but ALSO run down other mums who have it harder who you couldn’t emulate.
Stop playing victim top trumps and suck it up and appreciate what you have. You never know, you might find some peace and decide to create harmony around you for a change.

I think the issue here is that the OP has turned her domestic role into a bit of a hobby, and she is therefore spending many more hours on it than she actually needs to. At the same time, she has convinced herself that this is all "work" that needs to be done.

I don't really see any problem with that if she is enjoying what she does and if she perceives it as being of value to her family. As long as her husband agrees, then it isn't doing any harm to anyone.

I won't pretend to really get it. Even if I wasn't working, I wouldn't personally choose to devote more of my time to housework than strictly necessary because I wouldn't see the point...I would prefer to spend that time on hobbies, volunteering, or seeing friends etc. I know some SAHPs with school aged children who do this, and I find that a much more relatable approach.

But we are all different, and if it makes the OP happy to devote so much time to domestic chores, I guess that's her prerogative. She perhaps just needs to accept that other people won't necessarily understand why.

I was a SAHM when my DC were babies/preschool age. It didn't make sense financially to go back to work but I realise it is a luxury that others don't have. Lots of friends who went back to work used a mix of paid childcare and GPs which wasn't really an option for us.

I'm a slattern by MN hygeine/clean police standards but even when I was at home I didn't fully clean the house every day.
Some things are non negotiable daily, others I'd do twice a week, once a week, maybe less frequently than that. I sweep the kitchen floor daily, I don't mop.it every day. I don't vacuum daily, I don't clean the fridge out or clean the skirting boards even weekly.
And no one checks!
Could my house be cleaner? Undoubtedly yes (although if I was at home all the time I'd want to do more interesting stuff)
But are we living in squalor, in dirt infested rooms? No, it's an acceptable level of cleanliness (imo)
Almost everyone I know in my town has a cleaner, (SAHM and WOHP) some of their houses are cleaner and tidier than mine, some aren't, but it's not a competition, AFAIK no one is judging or grading us on the state of our house or what that suggests about us as humans!

I wrote one of the first responses on this thread saying that basically no one in real life actually cares much who is or isn't a SAHM.
However this thread went very odd and all I am getting from you now @JustSoFrustrated is "I am richer and considerably better then you".
Sorry. But you sound very snobby and quite frankly can see why people might feel the need to criticise your life.
SAHM or not.....in reality most people don't care. But going on about your land and large house is just going to make people roll their eyes 🙄

If you’re at home with a children then yes it’s a full day of work. But people who have six hours off when they are at school probably have a pretty chilled life. Which is fine if that’s what you want but also you have to admit a luxury rather than a necessity.

We would either need to live in a smaller house with much less land to care for, or we would need to hire an expensive cleaner and landscapers to help

but you do this already. You said you have a weekly housekeeper and landscaper in your other thread!

Perhaps she would need a more expensive one!😂

If you have received any vitriol on this site, perhaps it’s because you are a snobby, pompous, stuck up so and so. This thread is wild! Your husband sounds useless also. HTH.

We have someone who mows most of the lawn currently. They don’t mow the crop garden, weed, cover bald patches, chop fallen branches, fill potholes on the gravel driveway, manage pests, or prune anything.

We still haven’t gotten a housekeeper because the quote we got from the one we wanted was extremely expensive. I’m personally averse to the idea.

DH suggested we get one so that I am less stressed and have more free time for things like dates and activities with DD