Page 13 | The vitriol for SAHPs on this site is insane

Communitywebbing · 10/05/2025 05:25

I haven’t sen a single post saying that being a SAHP to small children who are at home all day, is not very very hard work. Seems to me that SAHP of older children sometimes get criticised for making a big deal of housework and cooking, and suggest that they share both the earning of money and the chores with their partners.

FcukTheDay · 10/05/2025 05:35

Oh dear.

misseckleburg · 10/05/2025 05:42

k1233 · 10/05/2025 05:12

@JustSoFrustrated if this isn't hyperbolic, I don't know what is.

Also like, robot vacuums don’t work if you have things on your floor every time you turn around, or if there’s the amount of dirt/dust/dog hair that ends up in my house. I have to empty my vacuum’s dust canister at least between rooms, if not more often. The tiny compartments on the robot vacs could never, Not to mention the fact that the dogs tried to attack the damn thing, and it never got in the corners properly. And god forbid if one of the dogs should have an accident in the house and the robot vac starts dragging it everywhere… my blood pressure is raised just thinking about it.

Exactly how grubby is your household - or are your rooms plane hangars? I've never experienced needing to empty the vacuum after a single room. Particularly not one that's regularly vacuumed?

Personally I love my robovac. It's great cleaning daily. I'd never be so silly as to run it in an area that could have a dog accident without first checking the floor was accident free. There's no dirt in the corners of my rooms (I've got a good robovac, actually two) and after months of going around the area, there's really not a lot of debris day on day, even with two long haired dogs. Best bit is robovac goes under all of the furniture and keeps that spick and span too - no need to move anything.

I think the "vitriol" you see regarding SAHP is

concern around the vulnerability SAHP are in and the real possibility that husband's do leave in mid life, which puts SAHPs in an extremely vulnerable position if they're left to raise the kids themselves
concern people who have years as a SAHP with marriage ending once oldest leaves home, are more vulnerable again as the SAHP won't be getting maintenance, has no pension, is likely to get a minimum wage job due to no work experience and will likely spend the rest of their lives struggling to make ends meet, unless the marriage assets are sufficient for them to pay for somewhere to live
concern for SAHPs stuck in obviously abusive relationships with no means to leave
discussions about when the children leave home and SAHP wants to continue as they have but their partner wants them to return to work. If it is a big enough issue for their partner, they will likely find themselves in point two
disbelief that a regularly vacuumed rooms need the vacuum cannister emptied between rooms

Financial independence is something that gives options when things go to hell in a hand basket. If you have a great partner who puts assets in your name, enables you to have your own healthy bank account (not have to ask for money) and makes pension contributions to your pension account, that's amazing. But, the majority don't have that. Some don't have the protection that marriage gives but have children with their DPs and are SAHPs which is even more vulnerable if things don't work out and they break up.

Edited

OP, I think the amount of time and effort you're ploughing into this post confirms you do indeed have lots of time for leisure :')

Do what you want with your life, nobody cares. If you're searching for vitriol on Mumsnet about being a SAHP, frankly you're spending too much time on Mumsnet.

When I was a SAHP, I took longer on tasks because I had the leisure of time. Now, I'm more efficient. The dishes take 5-10minutes. Generally, my husband or I do a full kitchen clean whilst the other does bedtime. If I'm lucky enough to have another child and am a SAHP again for a stint, I'll try to appreciate that time because it will be a blessing. There's always more to do, sure - but it can be done with a podcast or Loose Women in the background whilst drinking a cup of coffee which hasn't yet gone cold.

Then I'll probably go back to work and get a cleaner. At the moment we have an amazing cleaner who comes in for two hours a week and the house is absolutely fine.

Feelingmuchbetter · 10/05/2025 06:01

YANBU

I now just assume they live in tiny (dirty) flats or houses with an only child st the most, and can’t imagine how much work, maintenance and cleaning is required day to day in larger family homes and gardens with multiple children and pets. Especially in the vast summer holidays. Either that or they are jealous anf minimise the work load. Or are men.

It is a full time job if done properly and that is true, paid for by many people.

I wouldn’t worry op. Just enjoy your own life and leave them to their own opinion.

Fizbosshoes · 10/05/2025 07:36

I think my house is cleaner and more organised now I work!
Partly because when I was at home my DC were preschool age who got out loads of toys/made more mess.....partly because u could clean/clear up "later" or tomorrow and that didn't always happen! (And probably not helped by PND)

When I started back at work there was a finite time in which to get chores done which means I had to fit them in , and of course people in the house for fewer hours to actually make mess!

But being a SAHM isn't just about cleaning Though

lavenderlou · 10/05/2025 07:46

I have never been a SAHP but I did work part-time when my DC were small. My home days were much easier than work. Although small DC are needy, there was still time to do a few jobs around the house, get some shopping done, catch up on admin. I have worked FT since youngest was 6 and you still need to cook, clean, do life admin while having to give headspace to all the demands of work too. I am a primary teacher though so I was swapping small kids at home for small kids at school.

I don't have any issues with SAHP, other than worry about their financial independence. There have been many times I've wished I could be one.

MellowPinkDeer · 10/05/2025 07:49

Feelingmuchbetter · 10/05/2025 06:01

YANBU

I now just assume they live in tiny (dirty) flats or houses with an only child st the most, and can’t imagine how much work, maintenance and cleaning is required day to day in larger family homes and gardens with multiple children and pets. Especially in the vast summer holidays. Either that or they are jealous anf minimise the work load. Or are men.

It is a full time job if done properly and that is true, paid for by many people.

I wouldn’t worry op. Just enjoy your own life and leave them to their own opinion.

Edited

this is entirely ridiculous. My house is large we have 4 kids a cat and a horse ( he lives down the road though so to look after him I also go there) there is nothing dirty or unorganised here. Everyone’s clothes are washed, ironed and put away. All life admin is complete , all floors are hoovered and mopped and all bathrooms ( 4) are cleaned daily. The kitchen is cleaned after every use, I cook from fresh every night ( or my husband does ) and the dishwasher is emptied before work. The garden is tidy and the lawn mowed , the cars are washed . The assumptions and rudeness from the op of this thread show she is indeed, bored as hell.

EilishMcCandlish · 10/05/2025 07:54

MyOliveHelper · 10/05/2025 02:18

I think you're just showing how slapdash you are rather than how quick it is to clean.

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Hilariously rude!

MsBette · 10/05/2025 07:58

I’m exhausted reading your posts OP.

As PPs have said, I’ve seen posts commenting about the financial vulnerability of some women who don’t support themselves financially, but none mentioning laziness.

Your posts, on the other hand, are that you are convinced housework is a full time job and working parents are doing it to a lesser standard than you. Why on earth do you care? Be confident in your choices. Never mind anyone else. Nobody cares if you rinse everything before it goes in the dishwasher (I hardly rinse anything).

As long as you are happy, you do you.

MsBette · 10/05/2025 08:00

MellowPinkDeer · 10/05/2025 07:49

this is entirely ridiculous. My house is large we have 4 kids a cat and a horse ( he lives down the road though so to look after him I also go there) there is nothing dirty or unorganised here. Everyone’s clothes are washed, ironed and put away. All life admin is complete , all floors are hoovered and mopped and all bathrooms ( 4) are cleaned daily. The kitchen is cleaned after every use, I cook from fresh every night ( or my husband does ) and the dishwasher is emptied before work. The garden is tidy and the lawn mowed , the cars are washed . The assumptions and rudeness from the op of this thread show she is indeed, bored as hell.

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Som temporary light relief on this post, it did read as though your horse lives in your house.

G5000 · 10/05/2025 08:01

We have a thread here to discuss how working mothers must be living in tiny dirty hovels with their neglected tinned soup fed children, whose parenting has been outsourced to strangers. But when a WOHM dares to mention that no, we manage perfectly fine, then we conclude that she must be jealous. How does that work?

user1492538376 · 10/05/2025 08:06

JustSoFrustrated · 07/05/2025 11:24

So many insisting it “isn’t work” and that we’re lazy, calling us “leeches” on our spouses, saying that “housework doesn’t take that long” and assuming we’re either “faffing about” or filling our time with made-up work or leisure activities…

Honestly, I wish they could all take a turn doing what I do each day and see if they still think it isn’t work or that it only takes “two hours max” daily to keep the house running—Someone told me that it only takes 20 minutes to hoover the entire house! I was like, I could do maybe one room in 20 minutes. Are they not picking things up off the floor first or moving furniture?? It also makes me imagine that their homes are TINY, and that they don’t have much of a garden, or at least not one that’s their responsibility to maintain. They also all have older, more independent children and seem to have forgotten how much supervision and assistance young children need, and how much of a mess they make constantly.

Someone else was like, “It takes five minutes per meal to do the dishes,” and I thought, what the hell are they feeding their kids? Maybe if you microwave cans of soup, or pop a tray of chicken nuggets in the oven on a single sheet pan, or boil pasta in one pot and then dump a jar of sauce over it… And that’s fine to do every once in a while, but not for every meal. If you’re actually cooking cooking— you know, chopping fruits and veggies, working with meat, cooking different components to a meal in the way they taste best, serving them on real dishes, with real cutlery to eat with… Dishes are gonna take you more than 5 minutes per meal, even with a dishwasher (Unless they’re just popping their dishes and cookware in without rinsing them off at all?? In which case I’m assuming their dishwashers are rank inside!)

And when you explain to them, this is how much work I have to do, and how much time it takes me, they either start concluding you’re “plodding around”/doing it inefficiently/incorrectly, or they’ll start suggesting that you downsize your life so that you’re less busy… presumably so you can get “a real job.” But that’s totally not the point; why would I make it so my family has a less enjoyable or less luxurious life, and see my DC less, just so I can go to work to make money that we don’t really need?

I’m tempted to just start insisting to WOHP that their houses must be disgustingly dirty and that they’re obviously cleaning wrong if it takes them so little time… or that they’re “faffing around” at work all day, because obviously if families with SAHP can live comfortably on one income, then their work must be really inefficient…

But that wouldn’t be reasonable, would it?

Haven’t read the whole thread but I think the main point is that while I am sure its relentless with preschool children its not the same as having a job.

Jobs involve deadlines, pressure, difficult people, the potential of being sacked. Having to be somewhere at a certain time, feedback.

None of this applies if you are a SAHM - you can opt out - its a choice and you are very lucky.

xanthomelana · 10/05/2025 08:16

I don’t understand why people have to prove themselves on MN. If you want to be a SAHP fine, you want to work and have a career also fine. A lot of people are not lucky enough to be in a financial position to have one adult working and I do think it’s judgy to say these people must be feeding their kids crap and have a dirty home.

I could have stayed at home but I wanted a career and I enjoy the social aspect of my job. We still have to cook, clean etc though and this might be a shock but we don’t live in slums. Household chores get split equally in my house but if I wasn’t working I wouldn’t expect my Dp to do anything because I’d be home and have all day. That’s why households with two working parents find it hard to understand how people clean all day, because we split the work equally it gets done faster so there’s no need to spend hours hoovering every day.

SunnyViper · 10/05/2025 08:26

MyOliveHelper · 10/05/2025 02:28

It might not take 8 hours, though if you factor in weekly and monthly deep cleaning jobs, admin, shopping, and laundry, it may well average out that way. Still, it will never take 5 mins to hoover a room properly, (hard floors or not), nor to wash up after 25 people (dishwasher or not). That's just dirty.

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The dishwasher does the work. I don’t understand how people can’t understand dit is literally a handful of minutes to load/unload. As I have already said, I unload while the kettle boils for my morning coffee. I’ve just timed it and it took me 2 minutes and 37 seconds to unload and put away the contents this morning. My is 25ft by 15ft and I sweep it, then vacuum it and then mop it every evening. It’s takes 5 minutes and that includes moving the dining chairs and replacing.
I use a rug master once a week on all soft furniture downstairs and that includes 3 large settees. Again around 5 mins per settee. The drying time is the issue with that though, not the initial job. I really don’t find household tasks that demanding of time.🤷‍♂️

DefinitelyMaybe92 · 10/05/2025 08:49

Feelingmuchbetter · 10/05/2025 06:01

YANBU

I now just assume they live in tiny (dirty) flats or houses with an only child st the most, and can’t imagine how much work, maintenance and cleaning is required day to day in larger family homes and gardens with multiple children and pets. Especially in the vast summer holidays. Either that or they are jealous anf minimise the work load. Or are men.

It is a full time job if done properly and that is true, paid for by many people.

I wouldn’t worry op. Just enjoy your own life and leave them to their own opinion.

Edited

Yes, and all of this ridiculous “assuming” and “imagining” is exactly why OP has gotten so much flack. “Your house must be smaller than mine”, “You must be dirty”, “You must not feed your family properly” etc., instead of conceding that other people may just be quicker, they may have more help from DH/other family members, they have cleaners, the list goes on.

In most of the posts I’ve seen from working parents here they’re just defending themselves against this silly narrative created by OP, as opposed to slating SAHPs for sport.

Numberfish · 10/05/2025 08:56

JustSoFrustrated · 07/05/2025 11:24

So many insisting it “isn’t work” and that we’re lazy, calling us “leeches” on our spouses, saying that “housework doesn’t take that long” and assuming we’re either “faffing about” or filling our time with made-up work or leisure activities…

Honestly, I wish they could all take a turn doing what I do each day and see if they still think it isn’t work or that it only takes “two hours max” daily to keep the house running—Someone told me that it only takes 20 minutes to hoover the entire house! I was like, I could do maybe one room in 20 minutes. Are they not picking things up off the floor first or moving furniture?? It also makes me imagine that their homes are TINY, and that they don’t have much of a garden, or at least not one that’s their responsibility to maintain. They also all have older, more independent children and seem to have forgotten how much supervision and assistance young children need, and how much of a mess they make constantly.

Someone else was like, “It takes five minutes per meal to do the dishes,” and I thought, what the hell are they feeding their kids? Maybe if you microwave cans of soup, or pop a tray of chicken nuggets in the oven on a single sheet pan, or boil pasta in one pot and then dump a jar of sauce over it… And that’s fine to do every once in a while, but not for every meal. If you’re actually cooking cooking— you know, chopping fruits and veggies, working with meat, cooking different components to a meal in the way they taste best, serving them on real dishes, with real cutlery to eat with… Dishes are gonna take you more than 5 minutes per meal, even with a dishwasher (Unless they’re just popping their dishes and cookware in without rinsing them off at all?? In which case I’m assuming their dishwashers are rank inside!)

And when you explain to them, this is how much work I have to do, and how much time it takes me, they either start concluding you’re “plodding around”/doing it inefficiently/incorrectly, or they’ll start suggesting that you downsize your life so that you’re less busy… presumably so you can get “a real job.” But that’s totally not the point; why would I make it so my family has a less enjoyable or less luxurious life, and see my DC less, just so I can go to work to make money that we don’t really need?

I’m tempted to just start insisting to WOHP that their houses must be disgustingly dirty and that they’re obviously cleaning wrong if it takes them so little time… or that they’re “faffing around” at work all day, because obviously if families with SAHP can live comfortably on one income, then their work must be really inefficient…

But that wouldn’t be reasonable, would it?

Haha oh dear OP what an own goal. Yes it does take 20 mins to Hoover your entire house if you’re doing it regularly, clearly you’re leaving everything disgustingly dirty if it takes you longer. And dishes take five minutes unless you’re preparing individual lobster soufflés for lunch.
I was privileged to be a very happy SAHM for years and also didn’t find the time to work, but I was spending the time with my kids and all our friends, who have turned out perfectly, in my eyes. You sound bored, lonely and spiteful to me, so I’m not sure how you think you’re helping SAHPs with your own vitriol.

Numberfish · 10/05/2025 09:01

MellowPinkDeer · 10/05/2025 07:49

this is entirely ridiculous. My house is large we have 4 kids a cat and a horse ( he lives down the road though so to look after him I also go there) there is nothing dirty or unorganised here. Everyone’s clothes are washed, ironed and put away. All life admin is complete , all floors are hoovered and mopped and all bathrooms ( 4) are cleaned daily. The kitchen is cleaned after every use, I cook from fresh every night ( or my husband does ) and the dishwasher is emptied before work. The garden is tidy and the lawn mowed , the cars are washed . The assumptions and rudeness from the op of this thread show she is indeed, bored as hell.

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Jesus please start your own thread on how the fuck you manage that.

doodahdayy · 10/05/2025 09:21

it takes longer for you to describe every item or utensil that needs cleaning and the processes of preparing vegetables than actually doing it. It’s not that difficult

MyOliveHelper · 10/05/2025 09:41

DefinitelyMaybe92 · 10/05/2025 08:49

Yes, and all of this ridiculous “assuming” and “imagining” is exactly why OP has gotten so much flack. “Your house must be smaller than mine”, “You must be dirty”, “You must not feed your family properly” etc., instead of conceding that other people may just be quicker, they may have more help from DH/other family members, they have cleaners, the list goes on.

In most of the posts I’ve seen from working parents here they’re just defending themselves against this silly narrative created by OP, as opposed to slating SAHPs for sport.

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Because as people who actually do these things, we know it will never take 5 mins to sweep AND hoover AND mop a floor like someone just suggested it did. It can't be done properly and we've all been in dirty houses so we can also imagine the condition of a home where the person insists it takes 5 mins to properly clean the floor.

We've smelt those homes too. And met their noseblind owners.

DefinitelyMaybe92 · 10/05/2025 09:51

MyOliveHelper · 10/05/2025 09:41

Because as people who actually do these things, we know it will never take 5 mins to sweep AND hoover AND mop a floor like someone just suggested it did. It can't be done properly and we've all been in dirty houses so we can also imagine the condition of a home where the person insists it takes 5 mins to properly clean the floor.

We've smelt those homes too. And met their noseblind owners.

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Oh you’re just being silly now. It’s funny how this post is complaining about all SAHPs being tarred with a big judgemental brush whilst SAHPs themselves are just doing the same within the thread. Everyone is different and everyone’s situations are different, as I’ve highlighted in my post there. I’m not the poster who said it takes 5 minutes to hoover a whole house, I agree that’s unrealistic for most people, but my point remains that it’s ridiculous to suggest that all working parents must simply have dirty and/or extremely small houses, or not feed their children properly (“working with meat”… whatever that means), which is what the OP suggested.

MyOliveHelper · 10/05/2025 09:54

DefinitelyMaybe92 · 10/05/2025 09:51

Oh you’re just being silly now. It’s funny how this post is complaining about all SAHPs being tarred with a big judgemental brush whilst SAHPs themselves are just doing the same within the thread. Everyone is different and everyone’s situations are different, as I’ve highlighted in my post there. I’m not the poster who said it takes 5 minutes to hoover a whole house, I agree that’s unrealistic for most people, but my point remains that it’s ridiculous to suggest that all working parents must simply have dirty and/or extremely small houses, or not feed their children properly (“working with meat”… whatever that means), which is what the OP suggested.

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I'm not judging working parents. I'm a midwife. I work and I parent. I'm judging those who say things like it takes 2 mins to do dishes for 25 people. Or that it takes them 5 mins to hoover their floors. Those are dirty people, no 2 ways about it. Doesn't matter if they've never worked, ir work 100hours a week.

DefinitelyMaybe92 · 10/05/2025 09:55

MyOliveHelper · 10/05/2025 09:54

I'm not judging working parents. I'm a midwife. I work and I parent. I'm judging those who say things like it takes 2 mins to do dishes for 25 people. Or that it takes them 5 mins to hoover their floors. Those are dirty people, no 2 ways about it. Doesn't matter if they've never worked, ir work 100hours a week.

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OK, sure. I understand that. Though perhaps reply to a poster who is suggesting that, then?

lavenderlou · 10/05/2025 09:55

To be honest, most of us have to work to be able to afford to live, so if our houses are less pristine than someone who is fortunate enough not to have to work, so be it. I can't change the fact that I have to work so I'm not going to lose sleep over my unmopped floor.

MyOliveHelper · 10/05/2025 09:59

DefinitelyMaybe92 · 10/05/2025 09:55

OK, sure. I understand that. Though perhaps reply to a poster who is suggesting that, then?

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I did.

SunnyViper · 10/05/2025 12:51

MyOliveHelper · 10/05/2025 09:54

I'm not judging working parents. I'm a midwife. I work and I parent. I'm judging those who say things like it takes 2 mins to do dishes for 25 people. Or that it takes them 5 mins to hoover their floors. Those are dirty people, no 2 ways about it. Doesn't matter if they've never worked, ir work 100hours a week.

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What bit of loading and unloading a dishwasher does you to get? When I cook for 25, it’s generally 2 dishwashers loads. That’s 10 mins of my workload- around 2 and a half minutes to load and unload each time. As for cleaning my floors, th sweep takes around a minute, the hoover around 2 and that includes the crevice tool for getting into the skirting and corners and then the mopping is another two minutes. I run the mop bucket while I’m hoovering and use specialist floor cleaner for my hard floor. I do an area of around 1 square metre before wring the mop and getting fresh solution. I use two buckets too. One for clean and one for dirty water. The entire room is done in around 2 minutes. It really isn’t hard. I am working quickly but going slower wouldn’t make the job any less through. You are quite rude to state that my house must be dirty and smelly based on your inability to grasp my ability to clean quickly.