The vitriol for SAHPs on this site is insane

[JustSoFrustrated]

So many insisting it “isn’t work” and that we’re lazy, calling us “leeches” on our spouses, saying that “housework doesn’t take that long” and assuming we’re either “faffing about” or filling our time with made-up work or leisure activities…

Honestly, I wish they could all take a turn doing what I do each day and see if they still think it isn’t work or that it only takes “two hours max” daily to keep the house running—Someone told me that it only takes 20 minutes to hoover the entire house! I was like, I could do maybe one room in 20 minutes. Are they not picking things up off the floor first or moving furniture?? It also makes me imagine that their homes are TINY, and that they don’t have much of a garden, or at least not one that’s their responsibility to maintain. They also all have older, more independent children and seem to have forgotten how much supervision and assistance young children need, and how much of a mess they make constantly.

Someone else was like, “It takes five minutes per meal to do the dishes,” and I thought, what the hell are they feeding their kids? Maybe if you microwave cans of soup, or pop a tray of chicken nuggets in the oven on a single sheet pan, or boil pasta in one pot and then dump a jar of sauce over it… And that’s fine to do every once in a while, but not for every meal. If you’re actually cooking cooking— you know, chopping fruits and veggies, working with meat, cooking different components to a meal in the way they taste best, serving them on real dishes, with real cutlery to eat with… Dishes are gonna take you more than 5 minutes per meal, even with a dishwasher (Unless they’re just popping their dishes and cookware in without rinsing them off at all?? In which case I’m assuming their dishwashers are rank inside!)

And when you explain to them, this is how much work I have to do, and how much time it takes me, they either start concluding you’re “plodding around”/doing it inefficiently/incorrectly, or they’ll start suggesting that you downsize your life so that you’re less busy… presumably so you can get “a real job.” But that’s totally not the point; why would I make it so my family has a less enjoyable or less luxurious life, and see my DC less, just so I can go to work to make money that we don’t really need?

I’m tempted to just start insisting to WOHP that their houses must be disgustingly dirty and that they’re obviously cleaning wrong if it takes them so little time… or that they’re “faffing around” at work all day, because obviously if families with SAHP can live comfortably on one income, then their work must be really inefficient…

But that wouldn’t be reasonable, would it?

Unless it's an industrial dishwasher I'm not convinced it's gonna fit 25 people's crockery, glasses and cutlery, seving plates etc in it so loading and unloading even once would take more than 5 min!

I'm.not a SAHM but I'm realistic that I cant clean my house in 20 minutes or clear up after dinner in 5.(not because I'm slow or inefficient!) However it doesn't take all day either, and there is time to clear up sufficiently after work

SAHP get stick on here because they always try to make out it’s so hard being a SAHP. I’ve been both, currently working. SAHP was lovely, I loved being at home with the kids, doing every pick up, all the jobs were done in the time they were at school rather than running around like a mad woman trying to get jobs done before school drop off and before bed time. I was calmer because had so much more time to do everything. It was infinitely easier than now being at work and squeezing the jobs in around work.

Admittedly for 25 people, the dishwasher is on twice. I generally load it in the evening and unload it while the kettle boils for my morning coffee. It’s all away before the kettle has finished🤷‍♂️.

that's your experience

Many of us found it easier to have someone else to look after the children and spend a few hours in the office, grabbing a coffee on the way and dealing with adults.

It can be much harder to be a SAHP than a working one - so many things come into it, personality, finances, job..

I think you're just showing how slapdash you are rather than how quick it is to clean.

Nonsense. Modern conveniences have cut down housekeeping time to levels undreamed of in the 50s, 60s and 70s. It no longer takes 8 hours a day to keep a tidy and sanitary household.

It might not take 8 hours, though if you factor in weekly and monthly deep cleaning jobs, admin, shopping, and laundry, it may well average out that way. Still, it will never take 5 mins to hoover a room properly, (hard floors or not), nor to wash up after 25 people (dishwasher or not). That's just dirty.

Going to work was a breeze compared to when I was a sahp & I had a professional job!
But in hindsight I can see that the main problem was my ExH not pulling his weight or appreciating me!
Plus all his snide remarks e.g I was a parasite not bringing any money into the household, then lo & behold I was too career driven & not interested enough in the DC! 😬🤷‍♀️

Trouble with society these days is that it's only cold hard cash that seems to count - which is wrong as there are many important activities that may not create money but do contribute to the economy!
I do wish that the UK could be more like the Nordic countries in their approach to families & society but the trouble is unlike the Nordic countries we moan too much about paying taxes.

Edited: autocorrect

@JustSoFrustrated Why not just own that you do take more time over things because you have the luxury of more time? 🤔

2 WOHPs here, my job involves travel, this week had 48 hours away. Just looked at meal plan we had for my 3 x primary aged children this week:

Monday - whole meal penne with chopped broccoli, spinach, cooked chicken from Sunday’s meal, tomatoes, pesto and goat’s cheese - 1 x pan, 2 chopping boards to wash
Tuesday - chicken fajitas with rest of cooked chicken, peppers, prediced onion and garlic and tomatoes - 1 x pan, 1 chopping board to wash
Wednesday - noodles with thin strips of carrots, broccoli, peppers, garlic and spring onion with a tin of tuna - 2 x pans, 1 chopping board to wash
Thursday - slow cooker beef stew, beef with chopped carrots, swede, onions and mushrooms, chucked on low at 5.30am before I got a train, served by DH at 6pm with some dumplings. 1 x slow cooker bowl to wash.

Our kids eat well, because it’s important to us, but we don’t have time to faff, because we do all that you do around a solid 8-10 hours of ‘outside’ work. I don’t judge SAHPs at all - it’s just a different way of living life - but please don’t make out that you’re doing it ‘better’ for your kids or family than any of us are.

So you just ate out of the pan with your hands, did you? No plates, no cutlery, no glass to have a drink?

Things don’t take me more time because I’m doing them leisurely. Things take me more time because my house is bigger, I have more pets, my child is home with me “helping” or actively undoing them, I do them thoroughly/properly/in a way that pleases my family, etc.

People have different circumstances and standards to which they are performing. It’s dumb to assume it’ll take everyone the same amount of time to do them, or that if it takes longer, that they’re just luxuriating in all their free time. Most of the time I’m working as quickly as I can without sacrificing quality, because there’s always, always, always more work to be done.

@WeddingGuest25 Also, you conveniently left out the knives that you use for chopping, the colander you use to rinse your produce, the can opener, the containers in which you stored your leftover ingredients, the pots with which to boil pasta, the serving utensils, whatever you cooked the dumplings in, and all of the plates/bowls/cutlery/drinking glasses that you’d have needed to wash. Unless you’re just eating directly out of your cookware? Dumping everything on the table and eating it like that, as some others have suggested?

I literally cannot fathom the reason you would be downplaying the amount of work you’re doing with the dishes. To insist SAHP are lazy? It’s so freaking weird, man

Was trying not to make the post even longer, but for the sake of pedantry…
3 bowls, 3 sets of cutlery, 3 glasses of water per meal - all rinsed then stacked by kids in dishwasher afterwards. Kitchen wiped down during every dinner. Robot vacuum turned on. Dishwasher will be emptied during breakfast. Honestly, minimal need for clean up.

None of that is to say there aren’t occasions when we do big meals, with loads of clean up required. But we don’t do it every day because we haven’t got the time, and I really don’t think nutritional standards have fallen as a result.

But leaving that out when you speak about how quick it is to clean up is sort of... misleading... isn't it?

Oh and robot vacuums and cordless vacuums (except for a particular Samsung one) is the bugbear of my sister's cleaning business. They don't work. You use a proper corded hoover and have a whole bag to empty after vacuuming someone's house when that's what they use.

She tells people to get rid of their Dyson cordless and get a argos own brand corded hoover for £50.

Crikey, there are some people here who are really insecure about their life decisions 😄Where have I suggested SAHPs are lazy? More accurately, the inference has been made that WOHPs either don’t have appropriately high standards when it comes to cleaning or nutrition.

Forgot to say - 5 beds, 3 bathrooms plus 2 cats and a large dog. The house is always clean, mostly tidy. Kids are expected to tidy all their stuff away at the end of the day. Robot vacuums and mops pick up the day to day burden, with bigger cleans twice a week (with a Miele, @MyOliveHelper, hopefully that meets your sister’s high standards)

Nobody’s judging, we’re just using our time differently.

Not…if it literally takes no more time. We wash up as we go - it’s done by the time kids have finished dinner so we can spend time with them doing bath, story and bed.

I think you are making up a narrative that doesn't exist. From what I've seen on this everyone agrees that being a SAHP with young children at home is hard work - some debate about whether it's harder or not than working in a paid job based on type of work, personality type etc. But I've not seen people claiming it's not hard work.

OP I think you need to rename your thread ‘Help me clean up meal prep more efficiently’ as almost all of your posts abd all of your anger seems to focus on how long it takes some people to clear up!!

And btw its not about being vulnerable only if you are an unmarried SAHP but we see SO MANY posts from women blindsided by the end of their marriages, having been out of the workforce for 10+ years and virtually having to start their lives over.

I’ve just finished work to be on mat leave. Granted I’m almost 40 weeks with a toddler but can safely say that working is 100% easier, has more instant gratification and is way less physically and mentally demanding than being a SAHP. I can see how long term being a SAHP is rewarding but living the same day on repeat and having an endless and bitty to-do list, where it feels like everyone’s needs come before yours, is draining. And the work is never done. And watching husband come home/ kids come back from clubs etc and undo a whole day’s worth or cleaning and tidying in a matter of minutes so that you have to start from scratch again is so demoralising. It also feels like you can never “clock off” because there is always something else to do. I’m going to embrace this mat leave because it’s the last baby so the last time I’ll be a SAHP full time but I don’t think I’ll miss it when it’s time to go back to work.

You won’t catch me judging SAHP.

You’re insisting that SAHP just take more time to do things because they have “the luxury of more time.” Implying housework is done at a leisurely, lazing pace. Saying that WOHP do “everything” that SAHP do in addition to working, to insinuate that SAHPs don’t have a full day’s worth of housework to do.

I didn’t imply that all or even most WOHP are doing things to an unacceptable standard, but if you’re one of those individuals telling me you only spend an impossibly small amount of time on your housework, there’s no way it’s being done particularly well.

You can’t have it both ways: either you acknowledge the amount of time and work it takes to run a household at a high standard, or you admit that some people spend less time running their households, and consequently have to lower their standards (again, not necessarily to unacceptable standards. But still lower)

I don’t know how big your rooms are (I’ve rented a “bedroom” that was literally a walk in closet before), but you said your children are old enough to clean up after themselves. Splitting chores with other members of your family (even if it’s only your working OH) reduces your housework load significantly. You’re not doing everything there is to do, every time it needs done, all on your own. Whereas if all the housework is one parent’s responsibility, and their child(ren) aren’t old enough to clean up after themselves or help in a way that doesn’t actually make things take longer…

Also like, robot vacuums don’t work if you have things on your floor every time you turn around, or if there’s the amount of dirt/dust/dog hair that ends up in my house. I have to empty my vacuum’s dust canister at least between rooms, if not more often. The tiny compartments on the robot vacs could never, Not to mention the fact that the dogs tried to attack the damn thing, and it never got in the corners properly. And god forbid if one of the dogs should have an accident in the house and the robot vac starts dragging it everywhere… my blood pressure is raised just thinking about it.

I think it's awful the hate they get too but washing dishes doesn't take that long at all, and 20 minutes to hoover a room????

I agree with you op. I find it really sad when people aren’t even willing to acknowledge the benefits that having a sahp can bring to the whole family.

Also find it strange that on the one hand sahp’s are dismissed as leeches etc and on the other, to pay for a service or a person to effectively fill the role of a sahp well is so expensive.

Once the kids are at school being a sahp is piece of cake.

Even before that it is in no way equal to a full time job.

@JustSoFrustrated if this isn't hyperbolic, I don't know what is.

Also like, robot vacuums don’t work if you have things on your floor every time you turn around, or if there’s the amount of dirt/dust/dog hair that ends up in my house. I have to empty my vacuum’s dust canister at least between rooms, if not more often. The tiny compartments on the robot vacs could never, Not to mention the fact that the dogs tried to attack the damn thing, and it never got in the corners properly. And god forbid if one of the dogs should have an accident in the house and the robot vac starts dragging it everywhere… my blood pressure is raised just thinking about it.

Exactly how grubby is your household - or are your rooms plane hangars? I've never experienced needing to empty the vacuum after a single room. Particularly not one that's regularly vacuumed?

Personally I love my robovac. It's great cleaning daily. I'd never be so silly as to run it in an area that could have a dog accident without first checking the floor was accident free. There's no dirt in the corners of my rooms (I've got a good robovac, actually two) and after months of going around the area, there's really not a lot of debris day on day, even with two long haired dogs. Best bit is robovac goes under all of the furniture and keeps that spick and span too - no need to move anything.

I think the "vitriol" you see regarding SAHP is

• concern around the vulnerability SAHP are in and the real possibility that husband's do leave in mid life, which puts SAHPs in an extremely vulnerable position if they're left to raise the kids themselves
• concern people who have years as a SAHP with marriage ending once oldest leaves home, are more vulnerable again as the SAHP won't be getting maintenance, has no pension, is likely to get a minimum wage job due to no work experience and will likely spend the rest of their lives struggling to make ends meet, unless the marriage assets are sufficient for them to pay for somewhere to live
• concern for SAHPs stuck in obviously abusive relationships with no means to leave
• discussions about when the children leave home and SAHP wants to continue as they have but their partner wants them to return to work. If it is a big enough issue for their partner, they will likely find themselves in point two
• disbelief that a regularly vacuumed rooms need the vacuum cannister emptied between rooms

Financial independence is something that gives options when things go to hell in a hand basket. If you have a great partner who puts assets in your name, enables you to have your own healthy bank account (not have to ask for money) and makes pension contributions to your pension account, that's amazing. But, the majority don't have that. Some don't have the protection that marriage gives but have children with their DPs and are SAHPs which is even more vulnerable if things don't work out and they break up.