To Jack in my career & become a sahp?

[whenitsover]

After some advice or experience of parents in the same boat as me, with the headline being should I Jack in my job to become a sahm for largely the benefit of my kids (dd7 dd5).

I’ve worked in a full time capacity since having both kids and returned to work after. My jobs is such that it a full time role and part time hours would not work (that’s across the industry in my profession). I earn a good wage, just shy of six figures.

Dh had a v high profile job, working away most of the week. His salary dwarfs mine - 3/4 times as much.

I’m at a point where I’ve got my full time job, managing the kids and the house and just wondering whether it’s worth it? Days are jam packed from am to evening with pick ups, drop offs and then on top there are activities that both dds love (so won’t want to give up on those).

Dh helps when he can, and does pull his weight, but realistically with his demands of the job can’t help out more.

I guess I’m also feeling guilty about not spending enough time with the kids - during hols they are at holiday clubs or I drop them to my parents (not local so can’t help daily). Both dds are doing fine at school, but wonder if I had more time with them they could excel as they would have more time to practice, and play.

My MIL is due to retire soon and has offered to help which is lovely of her, but wonder if this will actually help with the kids / reduce my guilt etc.

I also sometimes think about having time to myself, to focus on my health, hobbies etc that at the moment I don’t have the capacity for. If I was to Jack it all i, I would look to grow my investments etc so whilst I would not have the same income as before I would have something of my own. I know this will be a transition that I will have to adjust too.

Does anyone have experience of this? What did you do? Any other considerations I should make ? Is it worth jacking in my job for this? Would it even make a difference to DDs / family life?

I think some mothers don’t want their lives to revolve around their children and therefore their job is very important to them - and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. But if you can afford to be a SAHP and you think it will make you happier, go for
it!

Do you have a strong marriage?

I only ask because if things go tits up in the narrative then where will you be?

I only ask because I had a strong marriage until about 8 years ago. I was a sahm. Got screwed financially.

Just make sure you're safe financially.

Thank you for four kind message. I think if I do this it actually has to be for me rather than others.

Don’t do it. You make yourself financially vulnerable.

I never thought of this, so thank you for putting it on my radar. We’ve had rocky years, but are ok now.we currently don’t have a yours / mine outlook to money, so I think we are relaxed on this front. House is in both our names. And I have my own savings etc. I don’t think he would be petty like this esp with the kids. He is a great father so can’t see him being tight and cutting me out. Naively I thought I would get half of the assets in the event of a divorce, by default?

sorry I could be missing something here. How would this happen? Hubby pays for bills mortgages etc so actually all my salary is essentially mine. I would look to invest my savings to make them work for me, and whilst this wouldn’t match my current income it would still be sufficient.

They mean if you end up divorcing.

For starters, make sure your DH funds your pension contributions.

If I was you I’d get a nanny and see if that takes some of the pressure off. Sounds like you can afford it.

You sound like you're ready for a change, and I'd do it if I were you. Remember that any changes do not have to be permanent. If you find that the sahm life doesn't suit you, you can always go back to work.

You would probably get half the assets yes. And from them you would need to buy a new house potentially and then fund your life for you and your children, at least part of the time, by yourself. Now perhaps your savings are sufficient that this wouldn't be an issue. But realistically at some point you would need to go back to work. But the longer you are out of work the less likely you are to go back to your nearly 6 figure salary. So your ex DH would ride off into the sunset on their huge salary and you would be set back several years in your career.

And even if you don't (and hopefully wouldn't!) split up you only need to read a few threads on the relationships board to see how often men become less respectful to women who don't work. Often that's actually what leads to the women wanting to split up, so don't assume any break ups might come from him.

On the other hand you have an Mil willing to help, money to pay for help and only a few years to go before things ease up and it gets easier

Your marriage may be great, and there is certainly nothing wrong with being a sahm in many ways, but you are already in a position where you are expected to manage everything because your DH earns more. So he already considers you the default parent and less important despite your very successful salary. Ask yourself why he isn't arranging child care and arrangements for his children for the times when he is unavailable for parenting and instead just leaving it to you to do everything and worry about whether you should drop your career or not. He doesn't sound like someone who considers your future career and financial situation important. So you have to do that.

It doesn't have to be all or nothing though... What about finding a part time, low stress job that can fit in around the school runs/childcare before leaving your full time stressful job? Even just working a few days a week (or evenings) would mean you still bring in a bit of an income, but have a better work/life balance? I work 9-2:30 when the kids are at school (I know I'm very fortunate to have found this role) but I also do a couple of evening shifts and sometimes a day at the weekend, as for me, being a sahp wasn't all it was cracked up to be. Honestly felt I lost myself a little on maternity leave, and finding a job that fit around the school run has given me back some of "me". I have a low paid admin job, but it's no stress, don't ever have to take any of my job home with me, and am 100% present for the kids. Yes, I could be earning a hell of a lot more working full time, and using my qualifications, but I know that wouldn't suit our family either. Just bringing home short of a grand a month working part time, pays for holidays, and any other luxuries we want, and just takes the pressure off DH. I would never want to not work again, as it becomes very monotonous and I ended up spending more money out of sheer boredom, and that was when I had toddlers to look after too, couldn't imagine how I'd manage to fill my days now they're both at school!

Is there not a compromise position of working part time?

if the dcs are school aged and you haven’t a strong network of SAHM friends, you might find after the novelty wears off, you are bored and effectively end up working part time in various volunteering roles. Better to explore with your employer going part time or job share for your role etc.

Recalibrating your life isn't a bad thing, just need to think about it in the round from the mid term to long term plan.

If you were at home your marriage might benefit, I imagine if you're doing as well in work as you are, I doubt you're a slow-lane kind of person so you would have the domestic sphere well licked into shape, meaning that when DH was home you could make it worthwhile family time, enjoying the things that brought you together in the first place and focusing on the lighter side of life.

As the kids get older you'd be well placed to consider other projects to be involved in, or support them if they have any difficulties along the way.

I've done ten years as a sahp with far less income than you've got coming into the house, my kids massively benefitted imo (but would have coped fine if I didn't do that, it would have been, different), I am now back into the world of work, my career isn't turbo charged due to the break, but I genuinely don't think you can 'have it all' as in, something has to take a back seat whichever road you go down. I'm happy I took the time to be with the kids as they have one childhood and then it's gone.

We have a plan in place for fair decisions should the worst happen and we were to split, so we're not sleep walking into anything or thinking it can't happen to us. But even if the worst did happen, it's not like you'd be out of choices or in dire straits so the risk of the choice isn't massive.

I don't think a small part time job to keep a bit of money coming in is worthwhile for the time you would lose given your household income.
There are other ways to give yourself goals and me time (I built a house while I was a sahp, which was fun and I could down tools whenever I wanted for kids or whatever).

I wouldn’t - it doesn't sound like you actually want to be a SAHP and anyway the kids are beyond the stage of needing one.

It sounds like a tough lifestyle though, so I would focus on a career change that would allow you to go PT.

Being financially dependent on one person is making yourself vulnerable. Do you read any posts here at all by SAHW who can’t leave and have no career?

Do it. The kids will be grown in a blink of an eye. Who cares if you make yourself financially vulnerable for a Ln event which may not happen.

Being around for my kids growing up was the best gift I have had in life. (Now I'm back at work and have to apologise when I can't make a school event and I hate it. - although I do love my job).

Maybe you can do some work from home to keep your hand in. If you want to.

I see..& yes that seems to be a familiar theme from some other comments.

I think getting a nanny / additional help from mil might be worth pursuing, at least in the interim to see how that works. Better to do it this way & then Jack it in and have limiting options

This is true. I could always take on short term contracts to keep my hand in the game, this would keep me marketable and provide income.

Would you be allowed to take a 2 year career break so that you have a job to return to?

Similar situation here where my husband works crazy long hours in a very senior position. It puts so much pressure on you/me to manage the home/kids/chores just life in general!

When we had children, I stepped down from my very demanding role and swapped positions with my deputy which allowed me to go part time and keep my hand in my career. I now work 2 days a week and love the balance this gives me. I have toyed with the idea of being a SAHP so many times but I worked so hard on my career I didn't want to give it up altogether but I was fortunate to have options.

Honestly, if I was you I would speak to my employer about reduced hours and potentially consider a career break/change to a similar role that can be part time. With your children in school now you may find it a little tedious to go full time at home but if that's your only option I'd prefer it to the scenario you have now. I don't plan to increase my working days once my youngest starts school, I'm going to enjoy some me time.

Old fashioned view forthcoming! I never seen the point of having children to farm them out to others. My DM didn't work till we were in our teens and we carried it on with our families and they aim to do the same one day. Money was tight yes but we just lived within our means. I know it's not as simple as that for everyone though.

I did this, gave up a fantastically well paid and fulfilling career after I had my third child and have never regretted it for a second. Wouldn’t swap a minute of the wonderful years I spent with my children, especially as they are now at university.

My mother had a very high powered career and my overwhelming feeling from my childhood is her not being around and not ever putting us first.

So you earn just under £100,000 and your Dh 3-4 times that? So £400K?
Bit surprised you haven’t got a nanny tbh. If you want to take a break and don’t need to work for the money then why not? Presumably you could work again if you wanted to?

Not sure many of those other posters have a household income of half a million and earning potential themselves of £100K though..,

Personally I would never give up my career,worked too hard for it and would not want to give that example to my kids
But you do you
Maybe look at buying in as much help as you can