To Jack in my career & become a sahp?

[whenitsover]

After some advice or experience of parents in the same boat as me, with the headline being should I Jack in my job to become a sahm for largely the benefit of my kids (dd7 dd5).

I’ve worked in a full time capacity since having both kids and returned to work after. My jobs is such that it a full time role and part time hours would not work (that’s across the industry in my profession). I earn a good wage, just shy of six figures.

Dh had a v high profile job, working away most of the week. His salary dwarfs mine - 3/4 times as much.

I’m at a point where I’ve got my full time job, managing the kids and the house and just wondering whether it’s worth it? Days are jam packed from am to evening with pick ups, drop offs and then on top there are activities that both dds love (so won’t want to give up on those).

Dh helps when he can, and does pull his weight, but realistically with his demands of the job can’t help out more.

I guess I’m also feeling guilty about not spending enough time with the kids - during hols they are at holiday clubs or I drop them to my parents (not local so can’t help daily). Both dds are doing fine at school, but wonder if I had more time with them they could excel as they would have more time to practice, and play.

My MIL is due to retire soon and has offered to help which is lovely of her, but wonder if this will actually help with the kids / reduce my guilt etc.

I also sometimes think about having time to myself, to focus on my health, hobbies etc that at the moment I don’t have the capacity for. If I was to Jack it all i, I would look to grow my investments etc so whilst I would not have the same income as before I would have something of my own. I know this will be a transition that I will have to adjust too.

Does anyone have experience of this? What did you do? Any other considerations I should make ? Is it worth jacking in my job for this? Would it even make a difference to DDs / family life?

I do freelance/self employed work in my profession, it’s well paid and I set my own hours completely. This could be an option that maintains your employability. I take all of August off for example.

If you can’t do part time weeks, can you request a few weeks each year of parental leave (which you are entitled to request- unpaid) or negotiate some additional weeks of annual leave. Buys you the time you want for yourself.

The nanny idea would also help you enjoy more quality of life with your kids.

Your husband could also look seriously at his work hours, it sounds like he is very well paid and committed but he is massively missing out on family life and perhaps he can negotiate something here too which will give you all more time together.

What about going part time? best of both worlds really if you are concerned.

Would your employer consider a sabbatical, say 6 to 12 months? This would give you an idea of which you prefer.

As long as your mortgage is paid off or almost, cars paid off, money saved for kids education, emergency fund of 6 months living expenses I would say go for it!!

Absolutely. Do this before even contemplating making yourself financially dependent.

I did it op, and I loved it, still do.

Love spending time with my girls, we have a brilliant bond.

Love having time for by own hobbies and fitness.

Set up my own business doing something I love during school hours.

Got divorced and my high earning ex husband hasn't stuffed my financially at all, in fact the settlement was probably in my favour.

I'd consider parental leave op. You can take up to 18 weeks per child up to them reaching 18, with a maximum of 4 weeks per year per child. With annual leave as well, assuming a standard 4 weeks, you could have 12 weeks a year off work without risking your career. There are 13 weeks of school holidays, so you could potentially do the hard graft while the kids are at school in term time and have quality time over the majority of the school holidays. If you used 4 weeks per year each that could happen for the next three years at least.

No - i think it's crazy and naive to give up such a good job while your husband retains his high profile career. I am speaking from experience as a divorced person. When you are a high earner like yourself it's easy to forget how difficult it is to get a job like that. You will make yourself vulnerable and less respected whatever you say. Never rely on anyone else for your future security. A man will not be nice once you divorce. It becomes all about money and many women end up struggling.

I went back to work full time when DS was 12 weeks. I had a SAHM growing up and knew from as long as I could remember that it wasn't for me.

I'd get a nanny, cleaner and accept family help. There is no way I'd give up my career or having my own money.

These are really weird responses.

OP has a skillset that commands a near 100k and hefty savings that she wants to invest. I don’t think there is any need to panic about a career break here!!!

Her husband earns 400k. She absolutely does not need to work part time or get a term time only job! Literally zero point.

OP- do it. Take some time with the kids, enjoy your hobbies and passions and use those savings to build some new income streams!

The problem with the "farm them out" line, is it is bloody boring 290 days a year when you only have a bit of housework, exercise and shopping to do.

I will take the hectic evenings in return from not dying a slow death in the days.

I appreciate some people are better able to relax than me of course.

I earn more than OP and also have a husband who is a high earner. I obviously don't know exactly what she does but it could be difficult if not impossible to walk back into her career at the same level with the same salary after a career break, it certainly wouldn't be possible for me.

I did this OP although from a less financially advantageous position but still had a job that I adored - the kind of job that when you tell people at dinner parties what you do, they actively ask questions and say “That must be amazing.” I adored my job but I decided that I wanted to bring my kids up as I had waited a long time to have them and was in the fortunate position to be able to do this. I’m so glad I did - you sound like you have lots of financial acumen and advantages. I feel that my children have benefited from my being at home, I’m always busy but we live a reasonably (!) well organised life. My husband works long and unpredictable hours. My children are older now but we have a close bond. This is not to say that working mums don’t have this of course they can but it’s hard going as even when working full time - as we know - the domestic responsibilities fall mainly on the woman. One thing that I did find hard was the fact that being a SAHM is low status and can feel like a bit of drudgery. I had always identified with career go getters as it were. So I had to recalibrate. The gifts it’s given me ? An appreciation for the less obvious joys of life, an understanding of my children’s lives and development, patience, and perhaps a deeper understanding of aspects of things that in my jet set days I didn’t think of being important and I now see as being fundamental. Watching your children’s lives unfold by being around at home for them is a rare privilege if you are able to take that chance - either financially or emotionally - I think it is one to treasure. But do think about the financial and status implications. After a day of being a SAHM there are no performance reviews, gold stars, or plaudits from colleagues or clients - it’s easy to forget that we get used to those things when we work. My husband has quite a ‘high status’ job but it doesn’t bother me that I do not. But it is something to think about. Instead I’ve got the knowledge that I am my children’s ‘go to’ parent and that we have so many memories that we’ve shared. On an existential level I wanted the chance to ‘bear witness’ to as much of their young lives as I could. Sappy but true !

Before you do that I would -
1 buy in help. I assume you have a cleaner. I’d also pay someone to do other things such as meals, and one or two afternoons with DC. Take MIL up on her offer too.
2 take some leave without pay every year. Use some just for yourself to recharge and some for school holidays
3 get DH to travel less. If this means another job then so be it. You are carrying his load. The solution should not be that you sacrifice your job.

If you can afford it then do it. I spent 5 years out of my career and had no problem returning. I do not regret a moment of that time home with the children, for their sakes and mine. The whole home ran more smoothly for everyone with one parent able to be calm and not stressed.

Guilt does not come into it - it is common sense really.

In your financial position I wouldn't hesitate - that time with your children is so precious. You have clearly worked hard and been successful in your career but there is no shame in wanting to spend time with your family.
I have taken a step back career wise and work term time only in a professional role - it's really unusual to be able to do this in my role but possible because I work in the public sector. It's been life changing for me - I don't feel mum guilt.
However maybe a nanny and using unpaid parental leave to have the school holidays off would be a good start (although it sounds like you don't have the sort of job you could take 6 weeks off in a row)

I wonder if you'll actually enjoy it. Your kids will be at school all day.
I had a year out and hated every minute of it; felt like I lost myself.
Good luck with whatever you choose :)

Our household income is similar and I was happy to become a sahm, although I have a toddler now so I'm occupied all day. I have a very comfortable amount of assets behind me in just my name (really enough to support the family in the case of DH dropping dead or cutting me off financially) so fortunately no risk there. If you have a good amount of savings behind you, that's a good level of security. You will probably be able to grow it a bit more, make use of your personal tax allowance, use household money to fund some passive income too.

I have a minor side business, which is partly about finances, but more about having a bit of status, as some people will just assume that you work and I just mention that when they ask about my work.

I do enjoy the day to day aspects of being at home - spending all school holidays with the dcs, and I take my toddler out to activities every day. I take my older dc to her after school clubs and it's nice to be there and view her progress, which I wouldn't be able to see if a nanny was doing it. Still make use of holiday clubs (usually half day) to allow my dd time with friends, and a chance to try different sports, but lovely to relax and do activities with them that we can't fit in during term times. With older dc I'll probably take them on holiday on my own too, so they have a chance to visit more places (at the moment we do all holidays with DH but he doesn't have enough leave to do more).

I had a couple of years when my older dc was in preschool and before my toddler was born - I didn't work and had a lovely time getting back to hobbies, exercise and doing stuff on our home. Never a bored moment- we're in London and there's so much going on - talks, walks, arts classes, gallery and museum exhibitions, restaurants, matinee shows, and sports. I'm looking forward to doing more of that when our toddler starts preschool.

I’d get a nanny. Think about your pension situation before you quit work.

Who says she wants to do that?

She clearly has a great skill set and the potential to use massive savings to create a series of new revenue streams. With the massive mental security
of a high household income.

Christ, if you are going to live your life like your husband will leave you- what’s the point in DC and marriage?

there are many situations where I absolutely do not advise someone gives up their career- this is NOT one of them.

It's something for OP to think about. I feel like too often, the decision can be short sighted so it is worth considering what the future might look like and I don't just mean divorce, I mean career prospects and earning potential if she ever wants to return to her career.

But we are also coming at it from very different views because I would never advise someone to give up their career no matter how much their husband may earn.

I found charity work and volunteering incredibly satisfying after giving up my full time job. I could fit it in around my children and it has kept me very busy.

I didn’t have anywhere near as an interesting or successful career when I became a SAHM, and I’m glad I did it, however once youngest dc was at school, I found myself really bored (once the novelty of being child free had worn off), I effectively did part time hours with various volunteering roles until dc2 was in year 1, then got a part time job.

given that you’ve already worked through the high need years of preschool, why become a complete SAHM now, at the point most SAHMs are looking to rejoin the workforce- albeit part time?

I would discuss part time working first, and hire someone else to be doing the running around pick ups etc after school on your working days. Speak to your boss /HR, see what’s possible. A day or two free a week might be the perfect balance.

Also worth discussing with a recruitment specialists for your sector, that you would be open to conversations about part time jobs, but not interested currently to moving for any full time roles. Although in my experience, it’s a lot easier to move from full to part time within your current company than find a new high level part time job.

Can you take a year off? A sabbatical?