To Jack in my career & become a sahp?

[whenitsover]

After some advice or experience of parents in the same boat as me, with the headline being should I Jack in my job to become a sahm for largely the benefit of my kids (dd7 dd5).

I’ve worked in a full time capacity since having both kids and returned to work after. My jobs is such that it a full time role and part time hours would not work (that’s across the industry in my profession). I earn a good wage, just shy of six figures.

Dh had a v high profile job, working away most of the week. His salary dwarfs mine - 3/4 times as much.

I’m at a point where I’ve got my full time job, managing the kids and the house and just wondering whether it’s worth it? Days are jam packed from am to evening with pick ups, drop offs and then on top there are activities that both dds love (so won’t want to give up on those).

Dh helps when he can, and does pull his weight, but realistically with his demands of the job can’t help out more.

I guess I’m also feeling guilty about not spending enough time with the kids - during hols they are at holiday clubs or I drop them to my parents (not local so can’t help daily). Both dds are doing fine at school, but wonder if I had more time with them they could excel as they would have more time to practice, and play.

My MIL is due to retire soon and has offered to help which is lovely of her, but wonder if this will actually help with the kids / reduce my guilt etc.

I also sometimes think about having time to myself, to focus on my health, hobbies etc that at the moment I don’t have the capacity for. If I was to Jack it all i, I would look to grow my investments etc so whilst I would not have the same income as before I would have something of my own. I know this will be a transition that I will have to adjust too.

Does anyone have experience of this? What did you do? Any other considerations I should make ? Is it worth jacking in my job for this? Would it even make a difference to DDs / family life?

Love this post. I heard a great quote once that echoed this post..

You can have it all, but not at the same time...

Thank you for all your posts & thoughts

I am of the mindset to see how things go for the rest of the calendar year, and see how my mil can help out as well.

I also have some share options vesting so want to get the pay out, so if I do decide to become a sahm, I will have additional funds behind me.

I already have a nanny, just for 2 mornings (3 hours a week) but think will increase that further too, to take the edge off etc.

i used to work part time in my role and got screwed over as I had to deliver the same amount of work for less pay, hence why I went full time. Where I work, you are expected to work additional hours in a senior position, and it’s not really an option to get toil.

i actually asked my DDs the other day what they thought about me working - they both thought it was great and that the balance was right. So I think it’s more about me feeling guilty.

if I continue to work I will think about having unpaid leave over the summer - actually a lovely thing to do to make the summers an event and gives me time to be a present parent.

if I do quit, my plan was to buy property/ get an investment portfolio and live off the interest. I could also take on contractor work, subject to ir35. Whilst that would be temperamental, it would give me income / something to do. I do think I would loose my way a little if I didn’t have this - I don’t have a strong network of other sahm so would have to invest in my business / other hobbies etc.

Do it, you only get one stab at life.
I can't imagine anyone on their death bed, regretting that they hadn't worked more.

I think it's a decision to make with an eye on the short, medium and long-term. Most people, having considered that, tend to want to "keep their hand in" to some degree.

I wonder about considering roles orthogonal to yours, where PT is viable? If you're a solicitor moving in-house, for example (I know not all in house roles are like that, before anyone starts).

You're in a position to buy in more help, and your MIL can ease the load a bit too, but if what you want is for YOU to spend more time with the kids, neither of those things provides a solution.

Haha I happily “farm” my children to nursery to be ignored by whey faced felons
So I can have an avaricious life and career. the kids get a straight 10hout stint at nursery. Too young to complain and if they did, who’d listen? no one I tell ya

Farm, it’s a very provocative term, obviously designed for maximum head tilt and to radiate disapproval . Fortunately I’m a husk of a mother who cares not for the disapproval of others and seeks out an agricultural solution to childcare. The Byre is that way ➡️

Interesting views. One view - which is not always mentioned in these sorts of discussions - is that our children may one day consider that if their mother did work, they could have lived in a safer area, or their mother could have taken some financial pressure off their dad so that their dad could have been around more (double income), or be able to take driving lessons sooner etc. I recognise everyone’s circumstances are different but this constant ‘’they’re only young once’’ glosses over these issues. Is it always the case that a child benefits SO much more by having mummy around 24/7 than any other contributions that could be made through the world
of work?

@Timeforchangeithink hi there, I am commenting as I am also at a crossroads myself. I mean this kindly but isn’t there a view that perhaps our children might look at us one day and think it would have been nice if mum had helped us to be able to afford better education or better sports clubs or better whatever? I know that there is this common view of the kids are only young for a short time but that’s exactly it. They then become big teens who become very expensive and we want to give them all the nutritious food and pay for fruits and salmon and leave them a nice big house to inherit one day. That nice big house requires a mortgage. My point is that times have changed and life is so expensive. I think it could be in the best interests of my children (not the best interests of ME) for me to go out to work. Welcome any thoughts thanks.

But are there really many cases where women choose not to work and that decision leads directly to a financially deprived childhood?

Most women I know who don’t work have partners who earn a good enough salary to provide for a good standard of living and therefore the impact of a woman working on its own doesn’t justify the financial benefits to the family against the cost.

Perhaps I’m wrong but gosh it’s hard to imagine someone with school age children in particular choosing not to work and then having a day to day struggle to pay bills.

Hi! So to update this post..I spent a lot of time thinking of my next steps and what I want my life and the life of my family to look like. I decided to take a career break. I am in the very fortunate position where this will have no impact to our lives financially in that school fees, clubs, holidays etc can continue as normal. I decided that these years whilst my kids are of primary school age are important and realise that at secondary school that will change. I don’t know how long this will last, but I am very happy to say I can already see the positive impact on my family and for for me. Again it’s not for everyone and this isn’t a right / wrong answer, but I don’t think I’ll look back in years to come and regret my decision.

for anyone thinking about taking a career break, do think long and hard about your decision, consult those close to you and be rationale (make pro / con list) and good luck in whatever you choose

Genuine question,what do you do,how are you filling time when kids are at school?
are you one of those mums who lunches and drives the kids to their multiple classes & clubs
As you say it’s a very personal choice and at moment appears to suit you
What about the career absence, are you worried about how to get back?

Glad to hear it OP!

Im currently SAH, DD isnt at school yet but think i will study when she is with the view to being back in work when she's at juniors.

When i worked i found i was so grumpy on the weekends as DH works long hours so everything fell on me and the cost of nanny plus cleaner cancelled my wage. I found with GP help it was hard to instruct them like you would a nanny (i.e. MIL wouldnt do HW if DS didnt want to and i couldnt tell her off lol).

Good luck!

@Zone2NorthLondon I can’t answer for OP but I had no trouble filling my time as a SAHM and very rarely went out for lunch.

Looking after the animals, dog walking, doing all cooking, cleaning, food shopping, admin and gardening (so absolutely no chores for DH at weekends) and school run both ways and then various team sport commitments meant the weeks flew by. Any time left was spent volunteering for various charities.

@Hippyhippybake thanks for this. I wasn’t really talking about people who Sah and then can’t pay bills. I was referring to the fact that some parents may choose to stay home and say we can live without extras but can cover the bills and put food on the table. those extras might be maths tutors or sports clubs. I’m not sure that it’s right to say that my children are better off with mum around full time than to have nursery plus extra cash for maths tutors. Obviously everyone is in a different position and the OP can afford to maintain a high standard of living whilst being a SAH but for others it is a decision between SAH plus basics or Working Mum plus extras.

I'm a sahm but youngest is a toddler. I'd be so bored if they were both at school! Could u go part time instead? You've obviously got a great career, would be a shame to give it up.

Don’t give up your career! Show your girls you can have it all. This is likely the world they will face themselves. I would up the nanny hours, outsource as many domestic tasks as possible, use parental leave where you can and make weekends the best they can be with the kids

But you can't "have it all" - no-one can. This why these decisions are so hard.

Even your post acknowledges that when talking of making things the "best you can."

Women were sold the idea of having it all, and many can bear witness to the fact that it is simply not possible. The millions of mothers juggling so many plates and feeling run ragged are clear evidence of this. There is no way that we can do justice both to our children and our careers. Compromise is the only way.

The OP's compromise is a career break; others compromise on time with their children in favour of furthering their career. Neither is right or wrong - but neither option is "having it all."

What the OP needs to show her DDs is that no-one can have all they might want in life and that they need to grow up with a sense of realism and willingness to compromise.

I feel like I 'have it all' but then I don't recognise your description of millions of mothers either. It isn't always easy of course but I don't feel 'run ragged' at all.

DH and I are able to be flexible, I can WFH the majority of the time and I'm also able to manage my own diary which means when I can, I pick up DS early. Nursery is also within walking distance.

I also have a DH who does more than his fair share which is incredibly important.

But do you have it all? Do you never struggle to balance work/children/husband/wider family? - never?

If you can truly say that then I am glad for you; but sadly that is not the way of it for most women. I watch my DDs and all their female contemporaries struggling with the balance daily. We gained the right to have proper education and careers, whilst being unable to work out how we might happily balance that with bringing up children and all that family life entails.

Do your DD's partners struggle too or is it just your DD's?

No. I can't say that I've ever struggled with the balance but my DH would also say the same.

What did your DH think of you having a career break? Was he happy to be the sole earner and to continue missing out on time with DC due to his demanding job?

Never regretted the times jacked things in when it got too much, so much would have missed out on if had carried on slogging away. Now work part time in career really enjoy, life is good

They struggle too of course - they are parents too. My post related to a previous poster suggesting that someone should tell their DDs they could have it all. I do not think that is true - no-one, regardless of gender, can have it all when it comes to balancing family life. It is a big challenge.

What I think is important is choice - that no-one should be made to feel that one choice is the right one that they should be following. The idea that someone might be wasting their education if they stay at home to look after children; or that they should pursue a career - these are the sort of pressures that people feel.

There is never a perfect balance - but sometimes is is totally out of kilter and people feel they are failing both in their career and their family life. And this is often because they are trying to have it all when that is unattainable.

People are always really cynical on here that your partner will end up screwing you over. I'd say that's a small risk as most people have a good idea who they choose to marry and have kids with and most men I'd hope are decent people. In saying that it's worth working out what would happen in the scenario that you did split, I'd assume like most people assets would also be split and you'd be fine and need to pick up a job at that point. I think you should take a year off and see how it goes it doesn't have to be forever and if you can afford it why not. I'm sure your kids will be thrilled to have you around more and you'll be happier too.

For those who are saying give up - you can always go back to it. No you can’t. Have a deluded relative who thought that and when her marriage became rocky started applying for roles to find she had been massively left behind (marketing)

This 💯