To Jack in my career & become a sahp?

[whenitsover]

After some advice or experience of parents in the same boat as me, with the headline being should I Jack in my job to become a sahm for largely the benefit of my kids (dd7 dd5).

I’ve worked in a full time capacity since having both kids and returned to work after. My jobs is such that it a full time role and part time hours would not work (that’s across the industry in my profession). I earn a good wage, just shy of six figures.

Dh had a v high profile job, working away most of the week. His salary dwarfs mine - 3/4 times as much.

I’m at a point where I’ve got my full time job, managing the kids and the house and just wondering whether it’s worth it? Days are jam packed from am to evening with pick ups, drop offs and then on top there are activities that both dds love (so won’t want to give up on those).

Dh helps when he can, and does pull his weight, but realistically with his demands of the job can’t help out more.

I guess I’m also feeling guilty about not spending enough time with the kids - during hols they are at holiday clubs or I drop them to my parents (not local so can’t help daily). Both dds are doing fine at school, but wonder if I had more time with them they could excel as they would have more time to practice, and play.

My MIL is due to retire soon and has offered to help which is lovely of her, but wonder if this will actually help with the kids / reduce my guilt etc.

I also sometimes think about having time to myself, to focus on my health, hobbies etc that at the moment I don’t have the capacity for. If I was to Jack it all i, I would look to grow my investments etc so whilst I would not have the same income as before I would have something of my own. I know this will be a transition that I will have to adjust too.

Does anyone have experience of this? What did you do? Any other considerations I should make ? Is it worth jacking in my job for this? Would it even make a difference to DDs / family life?

'having it all' is also a pressure that is only aimed at women though. Plenty of fathers work full time and aren't usually asked about having it all or asked how they are managing the balance, it is very much so aimed towards mothers and that is something that needs to change.

But isn’t it the case that most fathers don’t “have it all” as their time and involvement in their children’s lives is significantly curtailed by their work commitments?

If you think you could be happy and fulfilled, absolutely go for it. But you need a plan for how you’ll find purpose, particularly in 10 years when the kids are less dependent. I had a big career and went part-time, permanently scuppering my chances of further progression. I have no regrets at all: for me, raising my children is my purpose in life and I want to be there every day when they get back from school. But for some people that isn’t ‘enough’ - you’ve got to work out whether you can be happy without the job.

Longer-term perspective here - I think as at 52 consider myself the first real generation to have had proper career choices, I am so glad I now didn't give up my career. The main reason I wanted to at some point was that I was made to believe that working full-time would in some way harm my children. I now realise how sexist that is and my kids are doing great - high achievers and kind and lovely human beings! In fact, totally anecdotal but it seems that the kids with full-time working Mums in my kids' cohorts that I have seen growing up are the ones that have the least mental health issues and the best academics as late teens. It's not what I would have expected, but I am happy that my career has not in any way damaged them and in fact has probably increased their happiness and life chances overall.

What I think the real issue is - men not stepping up to equal parenting - has been culturally hidden by the "good mothers sacrifice themselves" narrative. I really felt so guilty when mine were little going abroad on business trips but they were being looked after by their Dad! I think they have benefited largely because their Dad was forced into being a more active parent - and research shows children benefit a lot academically from the Dad's input.

I also think women feel drained by taking on the mental load - there is a long way to go on that one but I try to make sure my son is aware of this and he knows he will get a lecture on the patriarchy if he doesn't do the washing up. It's tempting when you are exhausted to want to just hang out at home organising stuff, given you are doing that anyway, but it really shouldn't be enough for us. The world needs women leading the way given the mess it is in.

Also to say if you can work flexibly and have your own business - that is brilliant. The important thing in my book is to challenge and stretch yourself and to make sure that your partner is an equal parent - just slogging away in a company so you are "full-time" is not meaningful - doing what makes sense to you creatively, financially etc is.

What I think the real issue is - men not stepping up to equal parenting

Yes! One of the reasons why I don't feel what pp's describe as most women feeling is largely because I'm not the default parent and also share the mental load, cleaning, cooking etc.

Of course a woman is going to feel stressed and that she doesn't have a balanced life if she's working full time as well as having all of the mental load on her shoulders and doing the majority of cleaning and cooking which is sadly far too common.

Youve worked hard and enjoyed a good salary for a number of years, plus have investments, and your husband earns a huge amount.

If I were you, I would.

Life is too short.

@whenitsover I am out the other side now, my youngest is almost 18 and I haven't worked for 20 years. It started as a 6 month trial to see if both Dh and I were happy and it has been brilliant for us.

I know lots of women say he might divorce you but I just wanted to say that we are still together, very happy as it stands and Dh has progressed his career because I was here for the children. Taking care of all the housework, cooking on weekdays and doing the school runs meant Dh had loads of time with the children after work, especially one on one time with them, attended every sports day and swimming gala. I did housework during the week so none on the weekend. Dh cooked on a weekend because he loves cooking. He has always been a hands on Dad and has never shied away from doing any housework that needed doing ie packing the dishwasher, hoovering up etc when needed.

It worked incredibly well, the children were also very happy with it all, I was here for homework supervision, study help etc and we all felt like it was the right choice for us. Pay into a pension and protect yourself financially. If you will return to work then keep your skills up to date.

I just wanted to give you a success story, there are several long term sahms who have been on here over the years. I have a health issue so will not be working again. Financially we are fine, I have my own car, access to all monies, savings in my sole name etc. I hope you love it.

I hear all that, but it ignores one important factor and that is that many women (and men) are distressed by being absent from their children's lives for so much of the time - they want to be there when they take their first step, when it is school pick-up, when they have a performance etc. etc.; they want to be the dominant influence on their child's moral and psychological development. If you want that then there is a conflict between home and career.

glad to hear you’ve found the right route for you, OP! In case it’s helpful to add to the conversation: I married a high flyer (think MD investment banking level). Fast forward 10 years, he is out of work and has been for a while. I am now keeping the family afloat and am grateful I held on to my career/ established myself. I don’t think there is anything wrong with being a Sahm as long as one is going into it with eyes wide open. It sounds like you can support yourself if needed and that’s great. When my children are older I will just want them to be fully aware of what it means. This includes ensuring that they complete their qualifications. I brought my babies into the world and I will bloody well be able to support them if I have to. Kids get increasingly expensive - not less expensive. Just my two cents.

But that also ignores the fact that it doesn't have to be that way and varies depending on the industry and what level you are at professionally. Not to mention the fact that parents are largely the dominant influence on their child's moral and psychological development even if they work full time.

I work FT at a senior level and can be flexible to the point I WFH the majority of the time and largely control my diary. I was there when DS took his first steps, DH and I will take it in turns to do drop off and pick ups at school and at least one of us will always be there for a performance, sports day etc.

Sounds lovely op. Simple family logistics, family focus and years you'll never regret. ☺️