What do you do when you're very ill & DP won't take time off work?

[1t6y9o]

Just that really. Hypothetical situation but very interested to hear how people cope as it's something I'm incredibly anxious about.

1 yr old and 4 yr old. No family nearby. Husband can't take time off. New area so acquaintances rather than friends to call on. What would you do if you were violently ill with continuous v&d lasting all day and extremely weak the next day? Pretty incapable of looking after children, preparing meals etc.

Anyone been in this situation? How did you handle it?

OhTheRoses kind of proves my point actually, in that her dh genuinely has one of those jobs where it is really, really difficult to take time off and has significant implications on many other people when he does. I think this kind of job is in the minority.
And yet, he still came to meet his wife in the hospital when she really needed him, at what must have been a traumatic time for them both. He was still able to take some time off - even if it was only 2 days. When Roses was sick, he arranged an emergency nanny to help out. I see nothing wrong with outsourcing the help if someone has to work, as long as the SAH parent gets the help.

The kind of man who makes my blood boil is not like that - it is the sort of husband who fails to recognise that his DW will ever deserve any help, no matter how unwell she is. It is the kind of man who will refuse to take any time off in any circumstance - and those men do exist, and are often not nearly as indispensable at work as they think they are. and I have very little time for people who make apologies for men like this.

The pp who said her dh would be in contempt of court as a police officer - is that when he is giving evidence? Because if so, surely that isn't an everyday thing? So it is very unlucky if it occurs on the same day his wife is sick, but most of the time he could help out?
When I did Jury duty, the court paid for my childcare. Is there not similar assistance for witnesses whose children have no one to watch them? because if not, there should be!

I can remember reading a really distressing transcript of a young child on a 999 call, whose mother was unconscious. For that reason, I don't think I would ever leave dh watching my dd if he was seriously unwell, with an illness that could worsen. And he wouldn't do that to me either.
If I couldn't take time off work, I would arrange help for him, and if it was a more minor illness I would set up the living room with snacks etc and get my DC sorted before leaving for work, phone to check up on him regularly, come home from work as early as possible, and let work know the situation just in case things got worse. If dependency leave wasn't appropriate, I would try to take annual leave off instead, if possible. I would expect him to do exactly the same for me.
Imagine your distressed young child trying to rouse their unconscious parent, and tell me that unwell parents should always cope on their own.

It's impossible for DH to reschedule department wide events. As a member of senior management he is paid an awful lot. Part of the expectation is that with that money he has someone else taking care of all the domestics so he can focus on work.

It's part and parcel of having a senior position. I've had to learn to hire the help I need when he isn't around. Of course the divorce rate almongst DHs peers is high. Very few wives want to keep up on their own.

Suck it up, put cbbc on and order takeout for kids!

Mistress - it does work the other way round when you both work.

I also work, but didn't when kids were small (that was when I broke my ankle)

The way my work is, I work from home, and then occasionally I am away for a week. If dh was ill when I was away, I could not return unless it was life and death, the reason is, I am usually away with a group of kids in my care. Unless I can hand them over, or get all the parents to come and get them then I can't just leave.

If dh has a vomiting bug, or is really poorly on that week, he has to do what I do. Cope, manage, and call in help from family and friends.

There is nothing 1950 about saying that on the day when I am in charge of kids I just get on with it. On the day when he is in charge, he does the same.

I think most of what we are talking about is normal illness. Major disasters, car crash, sudden serious illness etc is not ordinary and for most of us, unless our other half is an astronaut, we can and do drop everything, and come.

Thank you squishy. Nearly two years ago I broke my back - a vertebrae badly - no spinal cord damage but the pain was breathtaking. Got myself home in a cab. DH collected dd from her choir that night and did her school runs for the three days after. I played it down because dd 17 had been unwell herself. Let's say I couldn't pick up the post or do anything but get from sofa to fridge for four days on massive painkillers.

I didn't make a fuss and was back at work in nine working days. It's part of my life to get on with it. Often people say "You are so lucky". The luck comes from graft and working as a team.

roses I agree with you. I make an effort to not complain about being left to fend for myself when DH is away. It's been hard at times not complain and it's not about being a martyr but about being an adult and taking responsibility. DH is paid insane money to do his job. If I need help I need to buy it in and crack on. Both DH and I work extremely hard and it's why we have gotten ahead.

I think it depends on your values. Whilst money is great, work life balance is more important to us and having time together as a family. So we wouldn't see it as gotten ahead to gave a high paid job that meant dh was never home, quite the reverse. We all make different life choices. We'd rather earn £200k and have time together than £2m and always be at work.

That's what I was thinking 2014 ! Got ahead of what exactly? Unless life is a race to acquire the maximum possible amount of money I'm not sure quite what people have "got ahead" of in cases where everyone is far too highly paid and important to help their nearest and dearest in times of need!

DH and I earn enough to pay the bills and have modest holidays with the kids more than once per year, and buy everything we need and a lot of things we want, but we also have loads of time at home and with the kids and both of us could reschedule work to bail the other out if they were really ill and on childcare duty, or so I'll/ injured they needed looking after themselves. Of course we'd muddle through a virus, but not a broken back! In that way I'd say we're "ahead" in terms of quality of life compared to insane salary = work coming before family life.

"Getting ahead" is all in the eye of the beholder I guess...

DH works as a vocation, not for the money. I work because I like work.

I'm thrilled your £200k is more than enough for you 2014. Just wondering what we'd do with £2m to be honest .

@drinkingtea, agreed! We spent a lot of years having ivf. Dh has turned down promotions and taken a different track as he wants to be able to spend time with the kids we waited so long to have. He does not work weekends or when we are on holiday. he's home by 7.30pm rather than midnight. we go away a lot for weekends and holidays, we travel a lot, we enjoy life.
Work to live, nor live to work is our motto!

Law is not a vocation. Not in any way.

We don't make even half of £200k :o nor do we need to fortunately :o I cannot imagine why anyone would...

It can be 2014. It's good there are different strokes for different folks and different sorts of relationships for different people.

My DH often comes home intrigued by a point of law, a nuance in interpretation, advice he's been asked to give and it's impact.

I'm sorry you have felt it necessary to be so confrontational.

preparing ahead helps, we often make lunch the night before and put on plates in the fridge (for me, baby and toddler). I try and do it most nights as sometimes DD just won't give it up for 5seconds to make lunch - so it also helps in this situation! We've also taught DD what she can help herself too in the fridge.

We had an awful bout of noro last year and all 3 of us just spent 24hrs in the same bed - eating cheese and crackers with juice if we could manage it. It was awful.

He can be as intrigued as he likes, it's still not a vocation. It may be a passion but it is not vocational

I had pneumonia on my 40th and day of DDs 5th bday party. Took 2 hours to get dressed at which point I réaliséd I'd have to cancel.

Ex refused to do more than have them for an afternoon but not including meals so refused shitty offer.

2 kind friends took care of us in shifts. Childminder took kids to elementary, fed them brought them home and other friend put me and kids in the bath in the evening and to bed. She also gave me a bowl of bovril. I lost a lot of weight. We all survived. Kids bit neglected but fine.

It's important to teach kids as many skills as possible for exactly this reason. So should be able to dress themselves and get/reach breakfast from 3 onwards.

Law could be a vocation if you were doing something socially important I think - trying to make the world a fairer place,, acting on behalf of oppressed groups or something.

Corporate law or ambulance chasing or property law, no, that's probably a bit of a stretch...

I don't think it should just be about SAH parents asking "what will I do if I am really unwell and dh can't take time off?"
The working partners should also consider "What will I do if DW* is really unwell and I can't take time off work?
If the answer is "pay for outside help" I think that is fine. But I don't think that SAH parents should bear all the weight.
When I worked, both me and dh had to think "what do we do if dd is too ill to go to nursery?"

OP: If you are worried that you may be in the situation of being very ill without help, discuss it with your dh and maybe come up with some contingency plans. It is likely it has never crossed his mind, but it would be good if it was on his radar too. Trying to come up with a solution when you are both clear headed is much easier than at 7am in the morning when you feel like utter crap and he is late for work.

*or dh, but tbh its normally dw.

When I studied to be a barrister 17 years ago, the bit after my degree and law conversion course ie the academic part, I did the Bar Vocational Course.

I then slogged away for 16 years doing many hours of unpaid work to play a part in and in many ways help to prop up an underfunded criminal justice system I happen to believe in.

I know we're going off the subject a bit, but it's felt pretty vocational to me 2014 .

Can you tell me why you think law is not 'in any way' vocational?

Get on with it. Take all the medicines (house is well stocked as DH is a pharmacist). Earlier in the year I struggled through for over a week. Could hardly move. Turned out I was properly ill and ended up in hospital. DH taking time off in the run up to that would have made no difference to the outcome.

Law not a vocation?!? People Google vocation. Law is a vocation for many lawyers. My DH has a vocation too in the sense that he has a calling to serve the business he helps to manage.

I think people don't like the fact it's a barristers wife who is saying her DH can't take time off. Inverted snobbery strikes again on MN!

Not many people are saying that, Want2B.
I think that a job where the dh cannot take time off when he is desperately needed at home had better be a well paid one! At least then there is the option of buying in outside help, not to mention that such a job makes it much more difficult for the wife to work anyway.

I have worked since my dc were 5 and 8 though. Always local so I cd get to the children in an emergency. There weren't many but if they were I'll we juggled who could cover depending on commitments.

DH supported me through a Masters and professional quals. I don't work for the money I work for the satisfaction of it and because I didn't want to be a lady who lunched. I wanted more substance and normality in my life.

Emotionally supported btw. I did them working fulltime and my employer sponsored me lest anyone think I was the spoilt and funded wife of a rich man. I'm just the normal wife of a man who has become rich, partly due to my support and a level home but we have done it as a team.

OhTheRoses, from what you have described on here, it sounds like you and your dh both respect and support each other, and there's nothing wrong with people choosing the set up that suits them and their families best - not everyone will make the same choice, of course.
I don't really like it when discussions begin to veer into "WOHM" vs "SAHM" territory, especially when the kids are pre-school. The reality is that, for certain professions, the SAH parent is enabling the working parent to do that profession. Often, one parent will take a job which allows the other to be indispensable at work, by taking up more of the slack themselves. Which is fine, as long as both partners are happy and recognise the value of the other's input, and that it is not just about who earns more.
It would be very difficult for both parents to be barristers wouldn't it?