What do you do when you're very ill & DP won't take time off work?

[1t6y9o]

Just that really. Hypothetical situation but very interested to hear how people cope as it's something I'm incredibly anxious about.

1 yr old and 4 yr old. No family nearby. Husband can't take time off. New area so acquaintances rather than friends to call on. What would you do if you were violently ill with continuous v&d lasting all day and extremely weak the next day? Pretty incapable of looking after children, preparing meals etc.

Anyone been in this situation? How did you handle it?

So much of this implies that if you're sick as a woman, you either bravely muddle thru or where not possible, get another woman to help. Be that mum, a mate, mate's mum, aunt, whatever. There's always a woman to be found on tap to come running as she should, eh? So we don't disturb the super- important men. & if Mr Super-Important puts in all the hours under the sun yet still can't afford paid childcare to cover illness and there's no-one around to help then eff you, put up and shut up.

Its so grim. In this day and age, at that. Men as baby & money making machines only, absolved of all else thar makes up a relationship, and the denial culture around the issues and resentment that comes with living as a single parent when you have a life partner. I suppose in the 1950s it wouldnt have been an issue at all...

What's your point 2014? Do you think a barrister can just walk off a case? He can't, the judge has to sanction adjournments. Do you not comprehend a case that may have taken months to prepare, involve numerous witnesses who will be subject to summons, where delays involve knock on impact to the next listed case, let alone the barristers reputation and that of chambers.

Adjournments are granted in life or death situations and usually medical evidence is required.

I mean you can hire an emergency nanny if you need help as you're ill, I've had to do it.
Barristers aren't in court everyday are they. You are overdramatising

DH travels and I work FT here in the US, away from all family. I have friends but they too work FT or are busy themselves.

I get on with it. Kids get more TV than normal. I order in. DH tries to come home early and reschedules following trip(s).

e has to go to work when at death's door too. He was knocked off his bike by a car doing 50mph and then run over. He was in a right state and he spent his whole time in hospital trying to discharge himself and go to work

What an irresponsible thing to do!

Next time he is off work ill, go out for the day and leave him with the dc. See how he manages then.

I have said when we had to we hired a Locum nanny. What have I overdramatised?

No, not in court every day but each week in court can take a week of intense preparation. When clients are paying xxk for a week in court they expect the barrister to be available.

I quoted two examples of when DH was in court.

You still haven't explained why you think being self employed is relevant except of course that you may mean no: holiday pay, sick pay, guaranteed monthly cheque, guarantee the client will pay the bill or pay it on time, etc.

DH was in the states for 2 weeks shortly after we moved to the other end of the country.
DC were 6 months, 3 and 5, the older two had norovirus, despite my disinfecting everything.
Of course I got it as the DC were recovering.
As pp said, tv was stuck on Cbeebies, oldest was in charge of getting water for herself and DS, I crawled to the kitchen to make honey sandwiches for lunch as that was all I could manage.
Cereal was the main source of food for 2 days.
We survived somehow

My worst experience was a migraine that was so bad I couldn't move!! Ds was about 2!

Most of the time I led on his bedroom floor while he played around me, I'd left some bread on the side and he helped himself to that and had water,

It was what it was! I was terribly ill for a period of 2 weeks with migraines! But we survived.

Ds is 5 now! No harm done for having to eat plain bread for a few hours!

I remember a time when I went down with full-blown flu and felt dreadful, my DH was away with work, my parents (who aren't that nearby but would drop everything and come if I needed them) were on holiday, and I had to do school runs with my 5yo and look after my high-maintenance 2yo at home. She watched a lot of TV and I muddled through but it was horrendous.

I think it was on day 3, the mum of my son's friend noticed at school that I was looking like I was going to collapse and asked if I was ok. I pretty much broke down on her and she was amazing. For the rest of that week she came and collected my son and took him to school for me and then collected at the end of day and brought him home. She also had him round to play on the day that she could. It was a lifesaver for me.

Now my kids are 8 and 5 and I have a really solid group of 6 mum friends and we have 14 children between us. We all pitch in and help each other out when we need support...if we're ill, or have work commitments, a clash of kids diaries, need babysitters or whatever, we will all do what we can to help. I don't know what I'd do without them to be honest, but when one of us has needed help we have never not made it work. Every parent needs a helping hand sometimes...make those acquaintances into friends and offer help if you can at any time. Then you'll get it in return.

It's completely miserable. It was the only aspect of SAHP young children that I hated. I used to really resent DH being signed off and lying in bed with flu when I had to soldier on. Just had to get through it with babies and toddlers. TV on, had the baby in bed with me so could easily breastfeed, let the house fall into chaos.

I broke my ankle 5 days before my dh flew to Turkey for a week. My Mum came to help but she left after 3 days to fly to my brothers to look after their kids while my SIL was in hospital having a planned op.

I was in a lot of pain and could only hobble and couldn't carry anything. Could only crawl upstairs.

It was horrendous. I called in every favour in the book including neighbour walking dd up and down to nursery. Friends at church were unbelievable, brought meals, fed dc, put them to bed and left.

I cried at the kindness. It was the hardest week though, and once friend had left dd2 would sometimes come downstairs as she 'couldn't sleep' and I was propped up on sofa, and I couldn't take her back to bed or make her go. (she was 3)

to the PP who said how can your dh not take time off work?

My dh had just started a new job. There was an International meeting that he was due to attend to meet the people he would be working with, who are all based round the world. The meeting only happens every 3 years. he was expected to give some input to the conference and, as his position was new, to show people how his role would fit alongside theirs and how they could use him.

For him to miss this conference would have had massive implications. So he had to fly to Turkey. I muddles through, and we survived.

Because if you are self employed you may choose to work from home, start a bit later finish earlier pass some work to someone else etc.

My dh wouldn't have gone to Turkey in the example above.

2014 - why not? We managed. It wasn't easy, but you can't just jump out of work expectations at the drop of a hat.
His whole role for the next 3 years spun off that set of meetings.
What sort of a start would it be for him to drop out at the last minute?

If my condition had been uncertain, or serious, eg I had a op for breast cancer, then he would have dropped the conference of course. but I had a broken ankle. I was stuck on the sofa, but it wasn't life threatening. Our kids were 3, 6 and 8 so in school and nursery.

Probably if I had said Please don't go, he would have considered it.

But why would I put him in that position?

Yeah I guess we could have hired a nanny for the week.
We're very family friendly in our house, we don't put work first. Which is why we'll never earn seven figures!

ha ha - his job is with an NGO, not much more than minumum wage.
No nannies here, just friends who stepped in the help.
As I have stepped in to help them in turn

2014 what on earth is the point you're making about Roses' DH being self employed? She made it quite clear that he had to get an adjournment in a case when she went into labour and their baby died. FFS. Clearly at that critical time, and no doubt a lot of the time during his working life, he cannot just choose to work from home or pass the work to someone else.

Roses I'm a barrister and understand, not that it's difficult to understand because it isn't.

I mean if wife is ill.

I'm not sure who that is to 2014, but if dh is away or needs to work, and I am ill, we manage, muddle through and get help from anyone who can help, just as we help them if they need it.

No nannies here, we can't afford them, even if I was ill.

We're very family friendly in our house, we don't put work first.

so, people who are serious about a commitment they have made, and don't want to let people down. Also mothers who are able to manage and don't expect their partner to drop everything, those people obviously hate their families and always put work first ?

With respect I know that in an absolute emergency doctors CAN take time off eg if I was having surgery or something. But I'm talking about me having a vomiting bug, being incapacitated on the sofa and the kids surviving on CBeebies and cheerios in for a couple of days. DH not going to work would have serious implications, including among other things for palliative patients and their pain management etc. That kind of trumps our kids being feral for a day or two I think. It's not the same situation as the cyber attack at all.

Those people saying they can manage, that's fair enough. They are obviously not so ill that they cannot look after children.
At times when the parent is unable to look after children then the options available are to use paid childcare, ask friend/family for help or ask the other parent to come and look after the child. If you don't have alternative childcare already in place I think you have some responsibility to have a contingency plan. You may be surprised at how people can be willing to help out at times of crisis.

For those living with a man yet depending on WOMEN to be there when you're very ill and unable to function because your H is so important at work - the examples you've given are professions where it either isn't impossible at all to take day off if you are very ill and can't look after the DCs both you & he made. Or where you've got the money for nannies and/or emergency care at the drop of a hat and yet are trying to relate your situation to those who don't have the money for that. Pointless. & if you're dependent on other women as your astronaut H isn't around and believe thats standard then you're in 1950s its all women's work mode. Which is fine actually but why pretend its something different? Id bet if your H was shitting & vomiting badly all day or some such he'd take day off and you'd mop his brow and run around. Or is someone going to say next that their H is at work sat on a huge potty with a sick bag slung under his jaw and him spewing and shitting in front of client and colleagues. & sone whi claim to have been so sick they've had to crawl on belly along floor, intrepid style, to negotiate the stairs or some such? There's no virtue in that grind. & if you tumbled down the stairs (hopefully not) you'd be no use to yourself or child. Honestly.. Id rather live with my friends

Cake-isn't that situation I also wouldn't ask my husband to take time off as clearly one can manage with a vomiting bug. Last week my husband did have time off work with a serious infection which resulted in him being in hospital for 2 days. Patients were cancelled. Unfortunate but unavoidable (and he really does try to avoid taking time off). The point I'm making is that doctors can and do take time off if necessary. The point about the cyber attack is that procedures and appointments can be cancelled. The reason is irrelevant as the impact on the patient is the same. Most reasonable patients would understand their procedure being cancelled if the doctor needed to take unplanned leave in exceptional circumstances. I agree that his wife having D and V is not one of those situations.