What do you do when you're very ill & DP won't take time off work?

[1t6y9o]

Just that really. Hypothetical situation but very interested to hear how people cope as it's something I'm incredibly anxious about.

1 yr old and 4 yr old. No family nearby. Husband can't take time off. New area so acquaintances rather than friends to call on. What would you do if you were violently ill with continuous v&d lasting all day and extremely weak the next day? Pretty incapable of looking after children, preparing meals etc.

Anyone been in this situation? How did you handle it?

He can't or won't?

I'm sorry but there are jobs where you can't just take a day off because the impact on others and costs are just too high unless there are significant circumstances.

It goes with the territory. There are a lot of divorces in DH's field. It is tough in many ways and I am a tough old boot.

Very few jobs. Very few.
If you were admitted to hospital as an emergency I bet most partners could take time off.

DH used to travel a lot for work and of course, Sod's law, that's when I'd be ill. Sometimes it's a genuine can't - if he's in the States three days through a 10 day trip, for example. You do just cope, although after the first time I did it with a toddler I got more meticulous with child proofing, which I'd poo-pooed a bit on some parts of the house. Being able to just lie there with a mobile child and know there's one room that's bomb-proof makes the difference ime.

OhTheRoses
Your dh's job does sound exceptional. And even with his job, he still took some time off and rushed from work to the hospital when you went into early labour. It must have been very hard for you both. And at least when you had influenza, he arranged the locum nanny rather than just wishing you good luck with it all as he swished out the door.
I guess I am still reeling from a thread on here recently where the op was so ill (with two very small children, one of whom was also ill) that she was eventually hospitalised with a life threatening illness, with no-one to take the kids from her in the hospital.

I used to work on an oil rig in the North sea, so I do know about jobs where it is hard to come home at short notice! Even then we would try our best to get someone home ASAP if their partner was seriously ill (hospitalised or life threatening), especially if they had young children and no-one else to look after them.

You'd find inner strength reserves somehow I suppose. Recent thread on here re a wife & child very ill with kidney infection, were in A&E until 1am; came home, and next day DH still wouldnt take a day off work. Office based role, bot a mega-salary is all I remember.

Many (not all ) responses centred on OP as SAHP should rely on friends and family to help. I remember thinking what if friends/family weren't around? Why is obligation on them & OP - is this 'woman's work?' Whats the point of relationship if H is never home due to working + can't/won't take a day off if wife and child ill?

I think some workaholics act as if they're the 4th emergency service or running a country, and would have you believe if forced to take a day off their place of employment would grind to a halt for the day; & that God forbid they should pop their clogs the whole organisation would close down totally for lack of them.

But anyway friends and family - IF they're around and available - & babysitting agencies if can be afforded - would have to do.

Mistress, I do wonder with dhs like the one on that thread, what they would do if they were the ones with the serious kidney infection? Would they still go into work? Of course not, because they couldn't do their job in that condition, and they need to rest in order to recover. So how come the wife isn't entitled to any time off, no matter how sick she is?

Been there as a single parent with a newborn and 3yo. You just have to muddle through as best you can. Set up camp on the sofa and put CBeebies on. Or in your room if you have TV/a tablet there. Wherever is handiest for the toilet.

Depends on the illness and the lifesaving and important jobs which all these men appear to do. A sahm with sore throat and security guard husband? She will get through it but surely he could take a day? Although if he's 60, as she states then surely no smallies to mind so not really the spirit of the thread?
If the husband is negotiating on behalf of the UN in Egypt, then surely paid help can be sought.
Anyone else, honestly, partners should be able to show up a day or two and at least show willing?
I'm in a similar position, other half is geographically away but has dropped all when I was bed bound. We lost earnings but I work part time so I justified it that way, although it didn't need justifying. Brain surgeons can get time off, trust me. No job is that important that a sick or hospitalised wife/partner doesn't get serious consideration and if they do, Ime, it's the man who is steering that, not the employer.

Akire - simple but great idea. Making a mental note that DH could go to the shop early before work and make up sandwiches and snacks :) That would be a massive help.

I'll look into childcare as I do feel we should have something in place.

Pinkcrystal - 5 kids? You're my hero honestly. I'm completely traumatised by my experience of flu looking after just 2 kids.

Squishysquirmy - this is the issue I can't get my head round. If my DH had violent continuous v&d he would cancel his work for the day obviously. So he can. But he won't when I have it.

What about situations where DH works for himself so doesn't have an employer but has customers and reputation and fear of letting people down who may not believe his reason for postponing work?

I had proper flu when pfb 9 months. Dh just had week off with same thing, my lovely parents were on holiday both sisters working. Couldn't ask friends as too big an ask re infecting. Called my uncle in the end who came and collected me went to live with him and my aunt for a week my uncle looked after baby. So kind. I physically could not do childcare.

fear of letting people down who may not believe his reason for postponing work?

Last time I checked, this was not the preserve of men. That is his problem.

If his customers wouldn't believe him, that implies he isn't trusted and can't be that good at his job.

And agree with pp occasionally you can't just muddle through. Not with a baby not with proper flu. I was unsafe to care for dd. If family couldn't help we would have paid someone.

Dh has been in jobs he couldn't take time off, and yes he has also gone in whilst really quite ill.

Thats when it was just a case of barracking us into the living, asking an acquaintance to drop and pick up school age dc.

Later dh was in a job were he was able to come home. Good job! as I was suffering from depression and anxiety, and some days couldn't force myself out of bed, he would come home and sort the dc then look after me, he would also come home when I rang in floods of tears becuase I couldn't cope, many times, I think I would have been hospitalised if it had been daily instead of sporadic.

You just get through it. It's grim though. When dd was about 11m I was so ill with gastrointistis that I couldn't move. Dh had to go to work as there were literally no other chefs on that day. I just about managed to make dd some dairy lee toast and leave it on a tray on the floor and she was still breastfeeding so I just lay in bed like a sick cow letting her crawl up to me and feed!

I used to have the sort of well paid job that was "impossible" to take time off from and it's nonsense. Of course, there is an impact and you can't do it too often, but when you really need to take time off you do.

I am on the sofa having spent the morning vomiting and DP has spent the day at home looking after the DC. He was frustrated and it wasn't ideal, but shit happens... if your well paid partner refuses it's HIM not his job that is the problem, sorry.

Exception is of course low paid insecure jobs, which is exactly why better employment rights are needed.

Lots of TV and I'd ring whichever acquaintance I knew best, explain the situation and ask for help...then buy a thank you gift when I was better.

Thanks my dh and both are families are farmers. When my dad was 2 nights old and I was post c sec he had to work through the night. There was no option.

The only thing that would have stopped him going to work that night was a incapacitating accident. Even then my df has been known to (foolishly in my opinion) be back on the combine that night.

There really are some jobs you can't leave. If one of our staff was in this situation there are times of the year when I would either look after their children or pay someone for them to come into work.

It's amazing what you can Cope with when you have to.

I had swine flu once and was ill for a few weeks but could not move at all for two days. Ex left me and a 2 year old in my bed with the tv on. It was horrendous. I remember crawling on the floor to do one nappy change at the end of the day. That was the most I could manage.

Don't ask me how dc got fed. I definitely did not get down the stairs. I was too ill to phone anyone to help or even think of it.

Anyway best not to even contemplate it. I am a single parent now and I worry me a lot about what would happen if I broke my leg etc.

It does depend how I'll you are - I don't have any underlying conditions but still managed to get bronchitis when dc2 was 4 months old. At first I tried to muddle through although I felt like I'd been run over, but by the time DH got home I couldn't breathe properly and he ended up calling an ambulance! You can't always just manage! (Luckily we don't have the problem that he can't stay home, though in a previous job when DC1 and 2 were both tiny he traveled internationally and once dc1,2 and I all had a d&v bug while he was overseas, which was hard but I coped. I insisted he come home early from the snowboarding trip he had originally planned to tack on after the work trip though, after initially being a stupid martyr and saying he should still go).

It would be a really good idea to research what paid options you might be able to access if you can afford to, and what volunteer or friend/ acquaintance options you might have otherwise, ahead of time just in case! Maybe bank some childcare favours with other sahms from toddlers groups if the option to offer presents itself!

We have a poster up at kindergarten entitled "when mummy is ill" advertising the local village helper who can be called on in this kind of emergency (it's a paid role, the helper also helps elderly people not yet needing an actual carer but help with shopping/ housework etc. Here it's paid for via compulsory health insurance). We're abroad though and I don't think this exists in the UK. Something like it might though, I guess it'd be worth asking someone like a health visitor, who might be the most likely to know.

It's hard

I get back spasms occasionally that are so debilitating, I'm vomiting with pain and can hardly move.

Dh tries his best to be at home when they kick off (2 and 4 year old) but sometimes it just isn't possible.

I struggle massively. Especially when it comes to food and drink.

But I do snack food so I don't have to be on my feet for too long, and let the 4 year old control netflix and grin and bear it until dh gets home.