What do you do when you're very ill & DP won't take time off work?

[1t6y9o]

Just that really. Hypothetical situation but very interested to hear how people cope as it's something I'm incredibly anxious about.

1 yr old and 4 yr old. No family nearby. Husband can't take time off. New area so acquaintances rather than friends to call on. What would you do if you were violently ill with continuous v&d lasting all day and extremely weak the next day? Pretty incapable of looking after children, preparing meals etc.

Anyone been in this situation? How did you handle it?

Dh would set up snack food for them when they were younger (now they would do it themselves as I make them get their own snacks all the time anyway). When I was really ill (meningitis) he just had to take time off because I was in hospital. If it is serious enough then people do believe you. If a business then can he either take dc with him (e.g. to shop) or pop home in lunch break. I realise that it would not be ideal having dc at work but sometimes needs must!

I think we also need to be clear in expectations. Last night I had a migraine. I am a chronic migraineur and I get a range of symptoms, but last night was classic pain, nausea, as well as neck pain, poor balance, noise sensitivity, and malaise. We have three children, one of whom has SN, and we usually go to an evening group once per week. We've missed it several times because my DM is in hospital and I'm looking after DF, visiting daily, etc.

DH suddenly jumped up and said 'Oh I'm be late for group!' He thought that because I was too unwell to attend, he was the automatic 'attender' and hadn't considered that he'd be leaving me to deal with putting 3 children to bed, dealing with DD2's anxiety about her school trip tomorrow, etc., despite the fact that I could barely walk in a straight line.

To be fair, he wasn't being deliberately awful, he was just using flawed logic. One of us usually goes, and if I wanted to go I'd say so. But I wasn't well enough and I wasn't safe to drive. So he should go. (Forgetting that if I'm not well enough to go to a group and drive, I'm unlikely to be well enough to deal with the children).

What would happen if you said 'I need you to stay at home today'?

I had to do this.

DH is military, and although there are some families crises they will fly you back immediately from places like Afghanistan/Iraq, a vomiting bug no matter how nasty isn't one of them.

My advice is childproof room, and supermarket delivery of (possibly unsuitable) snack foods. I wasn't living on a patch, and didn't have anyone else to call on, and it didn't occur to me to hire a temporary nanny so I could go to bed for 6 hours - if that's something available to you, try it. It would be difficult to ask friends for help as they won't want to catch it (and you should be upfront if hiring someone)

With a DH available at both ends of the day, he needs to get you set for the day (as recommended above) and then take over completely in the evening.

Mistress, I do wonder with dhs like the one on that thread, what they would do if they were the ones with the serious kidney infection? Would they still go into work? Of course not, because they couldn't do their job in that condition, and they need to rest in order to recover. So how come the wife isn't entitled to any time off, no matter how sick she is?

Ime yes,they do go in come what may regardless of illness or personal circumstances. Like the poor poster above with the husband who had to go in even after 2 days after their baby died,there are many jobs where you just have to go in.

I did as others described, lowered my standards,everyone stayed in pajamas,quiet day in front of the telly and middle through as best you you can.

**OhTheRoses

Put tv on and feed them cupboard snacks.

DH has just spent 6 months in Afghanistan. I was very unwell at one point with a serious kidney infection. No he couldn't come home. I also had pneumonia when the dc were 1 and 5 respectively and he was due in court. He was not allowed time off or he'd have gone from copper to perpetrator and been in serious trouble.

He has to go to work when at death's door too. He was knocked off his bike by a car doing 50mph and then run over. He was in a right state and he spent his whole time in hospital trying to discharge himself and go to work.

It's not about stepping up sometimes.

Who are all these important men who are so very indispensable that their job is more important than their children? If they had an accident they wouldn't go to work and I'm pretty sure the world wouldn't stop. So what's more important in life? My ex was in a fairly low paid job and I worked shift work. DD was 2 and had quite significant extra needs. I got very ill. There was no question, dh took two weeks off from work, unpaid, I also of course couldn't work for many weeks. After two weeks he had to return to work or lose his job. Our parents paid for a child minder as they lived too far away to provide practical assistance ( and also they all worked so couldn't come and stay) Yes, we lost lots of money from lack of earnings, but so bloody what?

@notarehearsal, did you read my post directly above yours? If DH doesn't turn up in court, he can go from on the side of the prosecution to in serious trouble himself. And yes he does go to work ill and even after a serious accident with broken bones and on major medication. Nothing to do with putting money above children.

squishy now that is food for thought yes, what happens if/when H is too ill to go into work...? I suppose wife would get on with looking after H + DCs. & his 'outside' work would somehow be covered, or let slide for a bit. The company wouldn't close down. The 'privilege' of being a SAHP doing nothing = suck it up when H opts out of family life and the basic compassion of being there when wife is gravely ill. Even if it can only be for a day, with alternate cover arranged for ongoing illness if necessary. Re the thread I'm thinking of, I dont think there was enough money spare to pay for care or cleaner etc. Yet some were suggesting that as if its the norm for everyone to have enough funds to pay for care to come in, especially at short notice. I just thought whole thing was grim. & sad.

Ugh i remember a day when I was really ill with vomiting bug and dd was about 10 months old. I text my friend who called her mum who lived nearby. The relief when I handed dd over to her was amazing.
Most people will want to help if they can even if you don't know them very well.

If one of you is earning to support the whole family its understandable that both are nervous of jeopardising that. In our case dh is amazing but had just had over a week off himself with the same illness so taking another week for me would have been career limiting. Harsh but true and unfair to tar him and others in similar situations with crap husband brush. If family couldn't help we would have paid someone.

There is a difference between a military dh, who is posted offshore, and a middle management dh who works 20 minutes away in an office and is part of a large team.
There is a difference between a stomach bug or migraine, and a serious infection.
There is a difference between husbands like Roses, who did come and meet her in the hospital and on another occasion sorted out paid help on her behalf, and a husband who refuses to even come to the hospital, and expects his suffering wife to research emergency nannies etc.

I recognise that there are some cases when a dh cannot come home - I said up thread that I used to work on an oil rig, where it really could be difficult to get someone home and replace them without interrupting multi-million pound operations. I still think these are exceptions though. I also recognise that it depeds on how poorly you are - I can cope with a migraine on my own, but that is because I have a good system for dealing with them by now.

It just makes me really sad to think that some women still consider it their "duty" to grind themselves into the ground, endangering their lives in extreme cases, rather than ask their dh's to watch the children. I thought we had moved past that.

ShowOfHands No I hadn't seen your post before I sent mine. It sounds as if your husband has an important job.....
And as I was saying, it depends on people's priorities whether they would put a job over their children.
Most people don't work in a job where they would become a perpetrator if they took a couple of days off!
( And I've worked with police for many years, I've never heard any of them afraid to take time off)

My dh would take the dayoff unpaid emergency dependents leave.
What job does your dh do that he can't take time off?

don'tlaugh please don't assume because one's DH is 60 that there are no small children around. As it happens our DS is 17 but I'm in my 30s and could easily have more children. And I've never been a SAHM, I have always worked.

I have been both a SAHM and a WOHM to a little one, and I don't think
one is superior than the other. They both come with their own challenges. When it comes to being unwell myself, I think that it is easier for a working parent than a stay at home one. Because if I had d&V, I would be sent home even if I tried to go into work, and would not have to think about childcare at all - the normal arrangements would stay in place. Obviously, when both parents work someone has to take time off when the child is unwell (2 day exclusion from nursery etc).

Dame - No, they don't go in to work come what may. We are humans not robots and can neither dictate not control health as a guarantee. If a man is too ill to get out of bed, too ill to stand up, then he won't be able to go to work its as simple as that. In which case employer would have contingency plans. If they don't, they're lacking. & if the company relies solely upon the input of 1 person (as opt out of family lifers/workaholics would have many believe) then Mr Workaholic had better have shares in the company if he is totally indispensable! & still within that, if he's too sick to go to work then he isn't getting there anyway. Would be lovely if we could guarantee that come what may we'd muddle thru tho, that illness could never be debilitating to the point it won't ever floor you. But we can't. Nobody can do that

Even robots break down and need maintenance sometimes! That's why production lines that rely on them will have spares or contingencies in place. If they don't, then they are not running the factory properly and will eventually close down.

My DH is a doctor so he can't take the day off to cover me when if i was sick or it means cancelling whole lists of patients and medical procedures that patients have waited months for.

I'm a lone parent never had any help really. I've been ill several times since my twins were born. T v as entertainment, books, making snacks for the fridge when I can and letting all standards go for a few days.

Even doctors can take time off if needed Cakes. Not ideal but it is possible and I talk from experience. During the cyber attack many procedures got cancelled. That is what would happen if a doctor is off work or other colleagues would cover for them if able.
There's no rule that says that SAHM parents can't use paid childcare when sick. That is what working parents would do.
If you don't want to use paid childcare then I think as the non working parent as part of your 'job' you should ensure contingency plans for when you are sick I.e make friends with other parents who can help out and who you can also help out. I've used my friends several times to help me either by doing school drop offs or having the child for a couple of hours. Most times people are more than willing to help. I've also done the same for them. Generally in my experience people will help if they can and don't mind being asked.

Of course doctors can take time off. And they do.
I hired am emergency nanny when I was ill for a few days. Those people whose husbands are well.paid but can't take.off can do.that.

Whoevers dh would become a perpetrator if they didn't appear in court - there must be a line! E.g. Admitted to hospital must be a suitable medical state that you cannot fulfil your obligations. Are you going to tell us your dh is commuting a criminal offence if he gets hit by a car the wrong day?!

Barristers are self employed.