Struggling with what to do now I'm retired!

[Llaregub]

I see that most of the threads here are focussed on finance, so I'm not sure whether this is the best place for this, but here goes. It's long because I wanted to include some detail.

I've worked since I was 12. My parents ran a business and I was expected to work after school and at weekends. I worked during university holidays. For 20 years I had a day job and also did freelance work on the side in order to save for a house deposit and then pay the mortgage. Until early last year, when the organisation I worked for (an arts-based research institute) closed down and we were all retired or made redundant I had worked 44 years straight since graduating. No children, so no maternity breaks etc. I was fortunate because for the last 19 years I'd really enjoyed my work and the people I worked with. So not working is something new to me.

My partner seized the opportunity to retire too (he's 18 months younger than me) and we travelled for six months and then came back to get on with the next stage of our lives. DP has thrown himself into a local charity he's been peripherally involved with for years, taken up rowing and cycling and spends the rest of his time gardening and doing DIY. He's loving it.

I've not found it so easy. I joined a few classes (pottery, art, pilates, the usual suspects) and while I enjoy them and it's nice to chat and meet new people, I haven't gelled in the fairly easy way I've been used to in the past. I no longer seem to fit in anywhere. I got elected onto the local community council, only to find that it was a hotbed of vicious infighting and machismo. When I left after 10 months the clerk to the CC said that in her three years in post I'd been the only reasonable councillor she'd worked with. I CVS volunteer service which places people with skills in groups or charities that need those skills. I was placed in a voluntary sector organisation, working one day a week. The manager who recruited me was seemed enthusiastic. I had the induction and spent a day or two seeing what they did and where I might fit in and be useful. Then he went off sick and that was it: despite calling or emailing the organisation each week or so to remind them I'm here and happy to help, there's been tumbleweed for months.

I'd always thought I'd do an MA in retirement and went to an open day for mature students. It was the opposite of inspiring and instead of signing up I came home disillusioned. The professor I spoke to suggested a PhD but I really don't want to spend three years learning a lot about a very small subject area.

I even enquired at the local bridge club to see if there were any lessons for beginners and was told very snootily that they didn't accept beginners...

In short, I can't seem to find my retirement tribe. I'm too academic for the arty, woo-ish paint and pottery crowd, not tough enough to deal with the rough and tumble of community politics, too committed to freedom of thought and speech to thrive at university and I'm not even wanted to work for free. My confidence and self-esteem is at an all time low. Even my partner has commented that I probably need to go back to work.

Would someone please assure me that I'll find a way through this!

I hear you on the local politics stuff - just awful. You sound like a really proactive and hardworking doer; I would love someone like you to join our voluntary community group. We write grant applications and get stuff done! It’s really satisfying seeing things move forward (without having to deal with the soul destroying and life sucking bureaucracy)

if you don’t feel like volunteering, maybe putting yourself out there perhaps writing arts council grant applications and putting all your skills to good use in a paid capacity?
you sound like you have a huge amount to offer x

You sound ideal to be a school governor or a trustee of a charity. You could also try volunteering as an advisor for Citizens Advice. You can either do this I person or remotely. They provide a lot of training, a laptop and phone.

I retired five years ago without a clear plan, other than a few holidays (fortunate as covid struck the following year). As a result of attending painting workshops, I was invited to apply to become a trustee of a charity (arts-based) and ended up having quite a challenging position, though it did end up rather like the management role from which I'd retired. After four years I stepped down but continued as a volunteer, and I still paint. In fact, that has morphed considerably, and I am having my first professional exhibition shortly.
The other major thing I've done is attending various classes and gym sessions. I've done this six mornings a week, so it gets me up early, and a spin-off is that I'm now pretty fit! Along the way, I've got to know quite a few people too, but that has emerged gradually. I've also continued with attending my choir, gardening and holidays, etc. so am pretty busy most of the time.

I think people sometimes play out their former lives in voluntary roles. I have tried so many different things and been thwarted in my attempts! The latest being the U3A. Perhaps the actual classes are different but so far, there's a lot of nasty gossiping mostly and talk of bus trips.
This balance thing is tricky, its good to be busy and have a sense of purpose but sooner or later we have to stop. Tricky if partner is not on the same page either.

How about volunteering at the National Trust? Or becoming a tour guide? You could join the local history society.

You could write for a local paper or magazine about things you're interested or local things of interest.

What about yoga, meditation, Thai Chi or pilates? Yoga or meditation retreats.

Learn a new skill such as massage, essential oils, reflexology.

I would look at other places to volunteer, there are loads of opportunities out there.

How about an allotment? Grow some fruit and vegetables.

Write a book about something that interests you and self publish through Amazon.

Join a film club or book club.

Do a course on digital photography and take up wildlife photography.

Check out meetup.com and Oddfellows - it's for people who've retired, they do lots of activities

You can study with the Open University or University of the Third Age

Volunteer with a wildlife charity

Join a choir, learn the steel drums or join a band

Do amateur dramatics, either as an actor, writer, director or stage hand

Volunteer at a museum and learn about the artefacts

Start a blog

No advice, but just to say I hate the idea of retiring! I think it would be really hard to fill my days as well as I do now! I'm in my 50s so it is coming up in discussion more and more often and I feel like I'm a bit odd for dreading it.

Thank you both for being positive: much appreciated. I'd probably be quite good at grant applications: despite the terrible typos in my opening post (I tried cutting it and then got distracted) written work is my strong point. It was one of the areas of work the local charity said they wanted me to help with before they ghosted me.

If anyone wants to identify the local little hitlers and psychopaths in their community, just check out your community council. I had no idea! Part of my problem is that I seem to have spent the majority of my life working with (mainly) reasonable people in (mainly) reasonable, congenial organisations. I feel unprepared for the cut and thrust of retired life.

I don't have children and I have no knowledge of the school system so I think being a school governor is well beyond my remit, fortunately. I've read quite a lot of the school/ education threads on MN and I don't think I'm tough enough for it.

So many of the people I meet in these groups, particularly the women, have children and grandchildren and I think the fact that I don't have either is too often a barrier to friendship. Grandchildren and dogs seem to be the main topic of conversation. I have nothing against either, but nothing much to say about them.

This balance thing is tricky, its good to be busy and have a sense of purpose but sooner or later we have to stop.

Very true. OP, have you thought of taking up a part time job, so that you can be semi-retired?

I'm sorry that you're feeling down, and not enjoying your retirement.

Like you, I've worked all my life (although not quite as long as you did - I started with my first job at 15), and for me, retiring, was massively liberating - at last, no-one else had any call on my time. But it sounds to me that the big difference between us is that I chose to retire, whereas it sounds like you had it forced upon you. Which must have been tough.

Do you actually want to be retired? That's the first question I'd ask. If not, are there any opportunities for you to continue working in some capacity - employed or freelance, full or part-time?

What do you think you need from retirement that you seem to be missing? Is it daily structure and routine, or is it involvement and interaction with other people?

There a myriad things you could do and take up - as already listed by PP - but you have to want to do these things!

OP I'm the same as you, I don't think I have my 'retirement' quite sorted but I'm getting there. I don't want to commit to too much (especially volunteering) as you get asked to do more and more. I have a fairly happy balance of doing some paid casual events work, some volunteering (but only once a week), I travel abroad frequently for a few days at a time and I also enjoy craft workshops. Some weeks I have very little, other times I'm doing long days at an event. At first I felt I had to say yes to everything but now I know what things I enjoy spending time doing. I've met some fabulous people - I met an inspirational lady recently at a music festival I volunteered at. She spends summers in her camper in the UK and winters travelling.
It takes a while to feel comfortable in retirement, I think I'm getting there but I'm still finding my way.

You don't need children to be a school governor, you need common sense, not believing bullshit and acting on behalf of the good of the small people in the premises (talked here as a former Vice-Chair of a primary and no children, just a love of wanting them to have the best) and you chose the school you want to be involved in, so go in as a reading volunteer perhaps initially. What about becoming a volunteer for Read Easy, volunteering at a local museum? Charities can be very clicky and sometimes not as good for the soul as you'd imagine. Maybe the u3a, or a course with the Open University, tour guide with English Heritage or National Trust.

Quite a few things there that I've done throughout my life (yoga, book group, choir, evening classes) and still do to some extent. I've never experienced difficulty connecting and making friends till recently. I think it's not having children or grandchildren or dogs, as I said above. This is the first stage of my life when I've gone along to a new group and remained an outsider after a dozen meetings. My own instinct at work and leisure is to greet newcomers and make them welcome, but that doesn't seem to be a widely shared approach around here.

I don't want to study with U3A or the OU. The OU is a shadow of its former self, dumbed-down and prescriptive. I know a number of former OU academics who've left because of its plummeting standards. U3A here is... well, a previous poster has alluded to their experience and mine's been very similar.

We have a big garden: an allotment would finish me off! Can't think of anything I'd enjoy less than am dram — but I get what you're saying. We live on the coast and wondered whether we'd join the coastguard volunteers, but we're at that stage of retirement where we don't want to be too tied to a schedule. We've both volunteered to train as First Responders but apparently there's a queue and by the time we get to the front we may be too old.

I know I sound fussy: perhaps I am.

If you'd like to learn bridge, with a bit of research you might find some classes in your area. A lot of bridge groups don't take beginners. Too time consuming. There might even be evening classes starting in September.

What about the WI. It's not for everyone but no harm in giving it a go. Just keep trying different things. It's the only way.

I've been retired a year nearly... I did struggle with it. I've never been good at amusing myself I think as my job was so full on and exhausting. I did plan to go to the gym, take up french and maybe yoga/pilates.

I go to the gym 4 mornings a week and french starts end September.

My husband should have retired in April but he got made redundant last October so happened sooner than I expected so never got used to building up my own things...we are fairly newly married too so still like going things together. He loves reading so spends a lot of time doing that after our gym sessions. We do try and get a day out a week which is easier in the summer...though Scotland has been awful this year.

We have done a few more holidays. We also have elderly fathers 2.5 and 1 hour away in different directions so need to visit regularly though they are still independent in their 90s!

Our problem is we don't want to do something where we have to go every week as things crop up.

I am quite lazy at home and have lots of things that I could be doing bug don't...slight inertia after 37 years in the NHS.

Only great thing is my sleep has returned to normal after stopping work.

Soroptomists?
Local hospital volunteers, very varied roles available if you are reasonably close to a largish hospital.
A friend of mine trained to be a Wedding Registrar, pays reasonably well and you aren’t tied to a regular rota, just fill-in from the f/t registrars.
British Red Cross have varied roles for volunteers, not just first aid but equipment hire, refugees and family tracing etc
St John Ambulance do event first aiding and first aid training to youngsters, adults and business.
Parkrun need volunteers.
A lot of local libraries need volunteers in varied roles.
If you have skills like art or crafts, you could do an Adult training course and then run courses for others in local community centres, care homes etc.

Yes, I'm wondering about finding a part-time job. Problem is that I was exceptionally lucky in the place where I last worked and I'm not sure that at my age I'd be able to get anything as rewarding as that again. Having felt that I'd left work on a sweet note, I'm not sure I want to risk ending up in some hideously stressful situation with a nightmare boss.

I really do realise how privileged I am and how fussy I must seem.

I don't think you sound privileged or fussy at all. This is an important time of your life - it's something you should be enjoying, not enduring!

I retired a year ago; no grandchildren or dogs either which I agree is a disadvantage but I'm having a wonderful time.

What's worked for me

• making sure I meet friends/family very regularly - at least one lunch/coffee meetup/walk a week
• making sure DH and I have some quality time together, ideally a day/event a week
• upping my commitment to an existing hobby (gardening in my case) - just doing it better and in time rather than late and letting it get on top of me!
• increasing my commitment to an organisation I was already volunteering for (as it happens I'm a First Responder - if you private message me your location I might be able to point you in a useful direction but it does vary by ambulance trust. If you liked the idea then maybe join St John or do a course so you can join some of the private event first aid organisations? They can be great fun)
• planning in a really decent holiday every year while we have the time, health and money to do it.

Good luck!

Have you thought about writing a book? If not a novel, then a non-fiction book about an area of the arts you might be interested in / have particular knowledge of? Agents and publishers usually buy non-fiction book ideas first, so you don’t have to write the whole thing before you try to get interest in it

Thank you. I think I'm where you were. There are a million things locally I could volunteer for but I"m looking for something/ someone inspirational, not just something to fill my days. Something or someone who'll stretch me. Which is why I'm holding out in the hope of finding an MA that'll be properly taught by someone who knows a massive amount more on the subject than me (which frankly I wasn't sure about at the local university's open day).

Good luck with it all.

Citizens Advice! They are always looking for good volunteers.
Be a school governor - no experience necessary.
Join a Book Group.

Watching this as am partially retiring soon with full retirement in the next year or so. I think I have the same concerns as you, OP. My "problem" with retirement is that I don't really want to hang out with retired people. Nor do I want to be tied to a regular voluntary role. It's true that we need a sense of purpose but finding what that is is the harder part. I can see why there are so many newly retired on home improvement programmes.

Thank you to all the people who keep offering ideas of things I could do. I'm not short of things I could do and I'm not short of people in my life and friends. Nor am I someone desperate to fill my days. I'm not lonely or unfulfilled. DP and I do lots of things together. This year's plan has included having a long weekend away together every month.

I think what this has taught me is that above all I'm missing the kind of intellectual stimulation and conversation I got at work. So that's what I need to focus on.

Work life is prescriptive, purposeful and target driven. You know where you are and what’s expected, which brings a sense of purpose. Retirement is really the sense of freedom we associate with summer holidays in childhood.

I would suggest you’re having a realistic experience, trying and failing to find what’s right. However, each ‘failure’ will eventually result in you stumbling into what is right. Typically it’s what is least expected. I suspect - to hold your nerve and keep sampling.

I freelanced for a while after retirement (to ease into retirement) but then 2 elderly relatives died and so sadly spent the next year acting as executor for them both. However once that was in hand I signed up at Birkbeck to do a short summer course and have done several more since, and some students started our own whatsapp group for trips into London. I also firmly believe that after 40yrs of sitting at a desk that I need to do regular exercise for endorphins and go 4 times a week to the local leisure centre. Some of our class meet up for coffee or lunch weekly.

Finding your tribe takes persistence and patience - DSis has started a dog walking group, joined a bookclub and choir.

Is there a U3A near you? Ask on our local fb page about beginners classes for bridge? Does your local library have a list of classes?

Keep looking - and good luck!