Struggling with what to do now I'm retired!

[Llaregub]

I see that most of the threads here are focussed on finance, so I'm not sure whether this is the best place for this, but here goes. It's long because I wanted to include some detail.

I've worked since I was 12. My parents ran a business and I was expected to work after school and at weekends. I worked during university holidays. For 20 years I had a day job and also did freelance work on the side in order to save for a house deposit and then pay the mortgage. Until early last year, when the organisation I worked for (an arts-based research institute) closed down and we were all retired or made redundant I had worked 44 years straight since graduating. No children, so no maternity breaks etc. I was fortunate because for the last 19 years I'd really enjoyed my work and the people I worked with. So not working is something new to me.

My partner seized the opportunity to retire too (he's 18 months younger than me) and we travelled for six months and then came back to get on with the next stage of our lives. DP has thrown himself into a local charity he's been peripherally involved with for years, taken up rowing and cycling and spends the rest of his time gardening and doing DIY. He's loving it.

I've not found it so easy. I joined a few classes (pottery, art, pilates, the usual suspects) and while I enjoy them and it's nice to chat and meet new people, I haven't gelled in the fairly easy way I've been used to in the past. I no longer seem to fit in anywhere. I got elected onto the local community council, only to find that it was a hotbed of vicious infighting and machismo. When I left after 10 months the clerk to the CC said that in her three years in post I'd been the only reasonable councillor she'd worked with. I CVS volunteer service which places people with skills in groups or charities that need those skills. I was placed in a voluntary sector organisation, working one day a week. The manager who recruited me was seemed enthusiastic. I had the induction and spent a day or two seeing what they did and where I might fit in and be useful. Then he went off sick and that was it: despite calling or emailing the organisation each week or so to remind them I'm here and happy to help, there's been tumbleweed for months.

I'd always thought I'd do an MA in retirement and went to an open day for mature students. It was the opposite of inspiring and instead of signing up I came home disillusioned. The professor I spoke to suggested a PhD but I really don't want to spend three years learning a lot about a very small subject area.

I even enquired at the local bridge club to see if there were any lessons for beginners and was told very snootily that they didn't accept beginners...

In short, I can't seem to find my retirement tribe. I'm too academic for the arty, woo-ish paint and pottery crowd, not tough enough to deal with the rough and tumble of community politics, too committed to freedom of thought and speech to thrive at university and I'm not even wanted to work for free. My confidence and self-esteem is at an all time low. Even my partner has commented that I probably need to go back to work.

Would someone please assure me that I'll find a way through this!

The Rotary wanted to meet me in public to suss me out. 2 of them! No Thanks.

I used to work in that milieu and yes, it suited me perfectly. Sadly there's nothing comparable for 80+ miles. Has anyone volunteered for the NT? There's an NT property within 20 miles.

@Helpmewithholiday that Ted talk is great, and really resonated with me.

Interestingly, my mum - after retiring as a teacher - became involved with a financial company that used to go into large organisations/companies to counsel those employees who were shortly to retire. While the company she worked for were going in to sell different financial products relevant to retirees, her role was to kickstart the sessions with advice on how to plan, psychologically and emotionally, for retirement. She would have loved that talk, and would probably have used it too!

But it struck me, watching it @Llaregub, that it doesn't sound like you're allowing yourself to enjoy the phase one ('vacation' phase) of your retirement. Just allowing yourself to be free of routine and structure for a while. Or maybe you're learning that you need the routine and structure?

Really? I'm furious- that's completely contrary to the ethos of the Rotary organisation, and gives us all a bad name. Please don't be put off - there will be another club nearby who will be delighted to have you.

It's all about finding your purpose and, most importantly, your tribe. I'm still working on both of those and like @BIWI found that TED talk resonated massively.

I found writing down what I wanted my life to be like has really helped. Being with people who share the same values is important to me, and listening to the views of others who don't have the same values equally important - but not spending too much time with the latter.

It's easier when you've found your niche in employment because you already have that shared purpose and interest with people who have similar intelligence and outlook (at least in a good organisation).

In the outside world, there are fewer filters on people's behaviour and I get frustrated with how daft, disorganised and/or rude/ungrateful some people can be in voluntary/community roles.

Yes, truthfully.

Well, we did travel from the southern Chile up through S America, Central America and then up the west coast of the US before coming home via New York. That was over six months on vacation as soon as we'd both finished work. Once we got back we went to Scotland and south Wales for a fortnight+ each time in our old camper van. And then we went on a northern lights cruise late last year. We went to Japan this spring and will be taking a rail tour from Belgium and the Netherlands to Venice in the autumn. Does that count as a break from routine? But as I said in my OP, I was expected to work from the age of 12 (not playing at it when I felt like it but turning up every day at the right time and doing what I was instructed to do). I'm not sure I'll ever adjust to not having work demands and a schedule and deadlines hanging over me. I think having a task to complete (preferably a paid task) has given me a sense of security for so many years that it's deeply engrained in me.

In the outside world, there are fewer filters on people's behaviour and I get frustrated with how daft, disorganised and/or rude/ungrateful some people can be in voluntary/community roles.

This! DP and I help run community activities like the tea and chat events held in the community hall. We sometimes need a day or two on our own afterwards to recover from the negativity, demandingness and sheer inappropriateness of things people do and say.

That trip sounds amazing @Llaregub! But 'vacation' as phase 1 of retirement (from that TED talk) didn't mean literal vacation. It meant a 'holiday' from the strictures and structures of work. Just enjoying not having a routine, or having to be woken by the alarm clock, or being accountable to anyone else.

Random question.....has anybody tried pet sits or house sits please?

I'm thinking of giving it a try.

Similar here, I'd like to use my writing skills or similar, reluctant to commit to same day volunteering each week as it ends up being the only good weather day for walking with partner. Am childless and early 60s, most people i meet are 10 years older and there often seems to be a real generational difference (me being a student in the 80s, pubbing, married much later), plus they are all so involved with their grandchildren.
I have tried volunteering but it seems so disorganised and hasn't really worked out, it doesn't seem quite as easy as you might think!

RE: the TED talk video

I've watched a lot of TED and TEDx talks over the years and there are many interesting ones. I couldn't relate to this framework at all, the phases he described and I think there are some reasons why that are specific to me and my history. The first being that I felt bled dry by the demands of teaching - you're surrounded by people and noise and questions - it very produced in me quite a strong reaction - a very real need to be away from people and from noise and from demands on my time - I don't like spending time in crowds or groups of people - I do it, I can do it - people think I'm more sociable than I actually feel - I am definitely happiest spending time on my own working on the creative things that have interested me for years - these are not new hobbies that I have taken up in retirement - a part of what satisfies me is the thought that I will be leaving things behind - my art and writing and music. In fact, the only people I really enjoy spending time with or talking to are those engaged in their own creative projects so the idea of service to others (e.g. charity and voluntary work) really doesn't hold any attraction to me - hopefully I'm not alone in that POV. One problem is that I do all the life-admin as I am far more tech-savvy than my partner (after a life working in technology prior to education) - and that's another thing - for years I have been relied upon by many people to help sort out anything technical - I've really had enough of that now. My idea of heaven is to be able to spend weeks away from everyone - completely on my own. I can write and reply to pen friends as and when I feel like it - I really like that dimension. There's an unchallenged assumption that all people need other people in their lives - I'm not like that at all - I'm never lonely and never bored _ i don't worry about whether my life and contributions (now or in the past) are meaningful. I like, respect and admire plenty of people but my sense of self, sense of well being, really doesn't come on other people - it comes from the creative things I do. I like conversation and I am chatty IRL but prefer to write (in my own time) instead of talk. This all makes sense to me but probably sounds contradictory to a lot of people.

So @Llaregub where does your sense of satisfaction about yourself really come from - I really enjoyed teaching, working as an engineer and helping people a lot but I feel I've done enough of that - I'm trying to put myself first now but you really have to know yourself. If you've spent a lot of your life thinking about the needs of other people (family, partner, friends, etc) and meeting the demands of your employer and living up to what you expect of yourself, making the most of your skills, knowledge and experience - I imagine it can be something of an unappreciated problem - thinking about what you want and need. In some ways I have reverted to doing all of things that interested me as a kid.

I'm enjoying this thread very much and the really thoughtful posts.

Going back to the Ted Talk - he talked about his walking group. Meeting three times a week and finishing with a coffee and a cinnamon bun. I'd love that. I like walking a bit but I'm not "a walker". So a regular urban walk with a regular rendezvous at the end sounds perfect.

helping people a lot but I feel I've done enough of that - I'm trying to put myself first now

I have spent years and years helping people. It is how I got a sense of my own worth. Sad but true. The penny has dropped now.

Did you? Funny that, your post did ring bells 😀.

I haven't volunteered for the NT but some of my fellow vols do. I haven't asked specific questions but get the impression it is quite structured around the room steward role and there may not be that much else, or much variety within that role (none of them have mentioned running activities, working with groups etc). But as with everything like that, you can to some extent make of it what you will/follow your interests? Funnily enough I visited one today and some of the room stewards were brilliant, going from one interesting conversation to another and really lighting the place up. Others were not. I also guess it is a small group of people at any one property which can mean the strange in-fighty stuff, and not a great range of ages usually? The people I've met who do it do plenty else and travel a lot so it must be flexible (tho think most vol places are more flexible once they know you are good and committed than they let on at first).

@Llaregub I'm mildly interested in wha5 you do with this conundrum. What have you done on the sport and art fronts? Individual sports that I've done - long distance running and long distance swimming gave me something to really focus on so I didn't think about anything else while I was running or swimming - that had always brought me a lot of inner peace and calm. Artistic creative things I do, when it goes well, can keep me absorbed for hours - I don't even notice how much time has passed - it does come with its frustrations though. Have you thought of trying wood block carving and printing, letter carving (calligraphy meets sculpture) or even sculpture itself (I've been looking for a suitable course for ages) - there are so many creative things other than watercolours, writing or learning an instrument. Do you have any interest in learning a language? Do you want to be among people or more alone? A Dutch friend of mine in her 50's has enjoyed taking up rowing (again) - it's physical and social. Admittedly she did row many years ago. Has your partner not suggested you go along to his rowing club or would you simply prefer to be doing your own thing?

The thought of retiring unnerves me.

I like the structure, routine and buzz (for want of a better word!) that work provides. I can't replace that with pilates, crafts and U3A.

Volunteering might fill a gap but the effort required to find the right role makes me think I'm better off working for money.

Plenty of time to do the things I enjoy at weekends and my day off and annual leave. I do think the day off is important in later life working and hope DH will join me soon.

I do get what you mean, OP, about the work conversations with colleagues being hard to replicate within the retirement community. I adore my dog but ... 😊

Edit: can't believe I used the phrases "later life working" and "retirement community"!

I think I'm like you, LornaDuh.

We met up yesterday with a couple of friends of around the same age and so I asked them if they'd planned retirement and in the conversation that resulted, one of them asked me about my work. Once I'd finished college all my work has been project-based, with deadlines and schedules and room for creativity. I started in book publishing, then had a five-year stint in advertising, then into PR, publicity, promotions and publications, plus digital comms once the world went digital. Then I joined my last institution, which was quite small and intimate, and as well as managing comms and PR and producing publications I fell into organising exhibitions. I spent a lot of time talking topple who were experts in their field, learning from them and being introduced to new ideas.

The person I was explaining this to made the point that I seemed to have spent my entire working life bringing creative projects to fruition to a deadline and said no wonder the idea of weekly pottery classes or weekly walks or daily swimming or whatever wasn't floating my boat. He pointed out that many people have jobs which are essentially quite samey for years. They go to work every day and basically repeat what the did the day before, without an awful lot of variation from one year to the next. Whereas I was finishing one (often very demanding) project and starting a new one which might have very little in common with the last one. He thought that doing a Masters, or probably several if I live for another 20 years, made complete sense. It's a project, you have to find your way through it, make lots of decisions, use creativity and ingenuity, and with luck at the end you've learned a lot and you get acknowledgement by way of a certificate.

It makes total sense to me.

Urgh! Pottery classes. No Thanks.