Struggling with what to do now I'm retired!

[Llaregub]

I see that most of the threads here are focussed on finance, so I'm not sure whether this is the best place for this, but here goes. It's long because I wanted to include some detail.

I've worked since I was 12. My parents ran a business and I was expected to work after school and at weekends. I worked during university holidays. For 20 years I had a day job and also did freelance work on the side in order to save for a house deposit and then pay the mortgage. Until early last year, when the organisation I worked for (an arts-based research institute) closed down and we were all retired or made redundant I had worked 44 years straight since graduating. No children, so no maternity breaks etc. I was fortunate because for the last 19 years I'd really enjoyed my work and the people I worked with. So not working is something new to me.

My partner seized the opportunity to retire too (he's 18 months younger than me) and we travelled for six months and then came back to get on with the next stage of our lives. DP has thrown himself into a local charity he's been peripherally involved with for years, taken up rowing and cycling and spends the rest of his time gardening and doing DIY. He's loving it.

I've not found it so easy. I joined a few classes (pottery, art, pilates, the usual suspects) and while I enjoy them and it's nice to chat and meet new people, I haven't gelled in the fairly easy way I've been used to in the past. I no longer seem to fit in anywhere. I got elected onto the local community council, only to find that it was a hotbed of vicious infighting and machismo. When I left after 10 months the clerk to the CC said that in her three years in post I'd been the only reasonable councillor she'd worked with. I CVS volunteer service which places people with skills in groups or charities that need those skills. I was placed in a voluntary sector organisation, working one day a week. The manager who recruited me was seemed enthusiastic. I had the induction and spent a day or two seeing what they did and where I might fit in and be useful. Then he went off sick and that was it: despite calling or emailing the organisation each week or so to remind them I'm here and happy to help, there's been tumbleweed for months.

I'd always thought I'd do an MA in retirement and went to an open day for mature students. It was the opposite of inspiring and instead of signing up I came home disillusioned. The professor I spoke to suggested a PhD but I really don't want to spend three years learning a lot about a very small subject area.

I even enquired at the local bridge club to see if there were any lessons for beginners and was told very snootily that they didn't accept beginners...

In short, I can't seem to find my retirement tribe. I'm too academic for the arty, woo-ish paint and pottery crowd, not tough enough to deal with the rough and tumble of community politics, too committed to freedom of thought and speech to thrive at university and I'm not even wanted to work for free. My confidence and self-esteem is at an all time low. Even my partner has commented that I probably need to go back to work.

Would someone please assure me that I'll find a way through this!

No suggestions but a note about student finance if you do find an ma that fits the bill.

If you just have a pension, even if it’s over £25k you don’t have to make student loan repayments but if you have to fill in a self assessment tax return due to rental income or investment income then assuming the total including your pension takes you over the threshold you have to make loan repayments.

Birkbeck? If your local uni isn’t stimulating enough, it’s worth trying further afield.

how about being an independent visitor for a child or teenager in care.

Or I imagine a well picked volunteering role would have people who want the intellectual interchange too, eg www.britishmuseum.org/support-us/volunteer

Get a subscription to the TLS or LRB.
Read read read.
I am a school governor and am passionate about it after a long career in education, but realise it’s not for everyone.
Is there a local arts festival where you could become a trustee?
I have become involved in designing and writing heritage walking tours which is incredibly rewarding, and the people who come along are a fascinating mix.
I also toy with training as a magistrate.
Birkbeck courses are excellent and designed for people who have lots going on in their lives. Look at the Warburg Institute too.
If I had any general advice it would be to follow your passions and your people will be there. Eventually.

https://www.pechakucha.com/about

I think your main problem is your not used to do nothing and haven’t found your ‘thing’.

Which is what you’re saying but I am saying it in a different way.

I am saying it sounds like your going to things as a route to social. Not because it’s actually your thing.

If you found your thing that you just love then it wouldn’t matter as much whether the social there gels quickly or ever. That would just be you doing your thing you love.

And social is something you also need but that can be anywhere and you need to search for that independently.

If they come together that’s great. But don’t assume they will as it sounds like that’s the bit that’s disappointing you the most.

You don't sound ready to retire.

If I were you I would think about setting up freelance, doing what you used to do. Contact old clients of the now defunct organisation - they must need someone to do what you used to do. Maybe get together with a couple of ex colleagues who have a different skillset from your own.

If you are looking for some activity with a bit more intellect, why not join a good quality creative writing or literary criticism group? Or start a substack to attract like-minded people by pitching the content at the level you'd like to engage at?

Yup, Inlaw, I think you're onto something. I'm not really looking to be particularly sociable. I've got my long-established circle of friends and contacts and family and DP. But so much of the stuff that people end up doing in retirement is group-based, and I've been a bit fazed by how difficult it's been to find people I can gel with in those groups.

Thanks for the suggestions about Birkbeck (where I did several courses during my London years) and Cambridge. I've been to some public lectures at my local university and, well... best just forgotten. It's not what anyone would think of as a prestigious institution.

Anyway, off to bed now but I want to thank everyone. You've made me feel less lost and confused in all of this and I think my path is becoming clearer, which is to follow my passion and make that my new work, as it were. Sleep well.

Feel for you OP. I can imagine being in the same situation in a couple of years. Have always loved the Ulysses poem. Thanks for reminding me of that!

A little explanation of my previous comment, which I couldn't even type correctly!

I realise reading this that its not an easy path to navigate , the later years.Anyway OP you seem to have a lot going for you. I'm dreading the winter and putting pegs in my week or I'll go under.
Best of Luck.

I think you need intellectual stimulation while working on some sort of project or common goal with others. For me that produces the most interesting conversations at work. Just a course wouldn't be enough without someone else to discuss it with or test each other on the materials which then dives off into other discussions.

Perhaps a local history society or book group, set up your own meet up project group or be a magistrate.

Oh, @eggplant16 , I noticed your first post and wasn't sure what to say. It's why I said several times that I realise how privileged I am. Not everyone has the chance to work in something they enjoy. What are your circumstances?

Has anything anyone's suggested here given you ideas for pegs you can put in your week to pin you down? Having been very rude about the people who sit on my Community Council/ Parish Council, it does run some good groups/ events from the local community centre. They started during lockdown but were so successful they continued afterwards. Once a week there's a tea and chat get-together, often with a couple of five-minute speakers (they're limited to five minutes so they don't drone on) or an optional activity. And on Sunday afternoons there's a chat and games get together. It's popular in the winter in particular, because it's warm and there's always tea and sandwiches and cake. Winter Sundays can be so long and so grim.

Thank you for commenting. After I posted it I thought oh bum, that looks so ruddy pretentious, MN'll tear me to shreds. I had to 'do' Ulysses for A level and at the time I understood it on a theroretical level. Being a teenage feminist I wrote an essay protesting on behalf of poor Penelope, being abandoned yet again while hubby goes off his noble adventures with his mates. My lovely English teacher (to whom I owe so much) was very amused. In a way, you can trace my career all the way back to those A level English classes. They were where I found myself. Now I really, really get that poem!

My pegs are yoga class,singing group and uke group. Yoga is local as is uke. Singing is 20 minutes away in a studenty part of town, plenty of charity shops and cafes, so more of a day out. There a very cheap gym/ pool nearby, its down at heel but friendly enough. I may venture into the murky world of " going out at night"....who knows! Its an interesting discussion.
Re Literature, I've just finished The Secret Life of Bees.

This made me think of Haslow's hierarchy of needs and how you are looking for your own icing on the cake, at the top of the triangle.

How about getting involved with a completely different sector of society, who struggle to meet their basic needs, such as the homeless, or recent refugees in this country. That may take you out of your comfort zone and you may find it rewarding in a different way.

I am sorry I haven't had time to read the whole thread - have you considered training to be a magistrate? Its hugely valuable work and so interesting - and the other magistrates are also an interesting bunch of people. The minimum commitment after training is pretty small and you can plan your calendar in advance.

Am 61 and I hope to never retire! I'm not a hobbies person other than running, I don't craft, and I can't envisage not working at all! I may take less hours/ responsibility when my state pension kicks in but whilst I can work, I will!

Working with or for refugees is incredibly interesting and rewarding.
I remember admiring a ring on hand of a young man from an African country ( won't say exactly). He immediately pulled it off and tried to make me accept it.
Things like that stick with you.

My current job has a compulsory retirement age, though I suspect it may not survive much more challenge on discrimination grounds.

There may be options to switch to a less senior, lower paid, part time option, which I may do depending on how I feel by then. My husband is 10 years older than me (63 now) also in no hurry at all to retire. But that might mean that I cut back earlier than I would have done otherwise.

Definitely not in a hurry though!

I was a school governor before having children and I found it unintelligible. I think your sense to swerve that is right.

There's an organisation called Aging Without Children. Don't know whether they might have either tips or connections for you.

+++ for bid writing. Such a worthwhile thing, little senses of achievement every time you're successful, easy to plan around other commitments, keeping your brain ticking over. Maybe shout out your approximate location, I'm sure people will have charities to suggest who would be a lot more grateful for your help than the CVS one.

OP, you have articulated your query very well. I only wish I had a suggestion for you

I was a school governor for 10 years, including being chair for the last few years. It became less and less rewarding as time went on. Too much box ticking - and seriously depressing watching the staff becoming drowned in data collection etc. to the detriment of their freedom to use their professional skills. I would not recommend it now as a retirement focus.

This TED talk sums it up:

You will find your groove, don't be afraid to try different things and drop those that don't work for you. I have recently stopped volunteering for a local organisation because I couldn't stand the politics and have found something more fulfilling instead.

Wow! I thought I’d secretly retired and forgotten about it when I saw your username. Have a wonderful retirement. I’m sure you will find your way.

Your local Rotary club will have men and women from all walks of life, so you're likely to find some people you can have good conversations with.
You'll also be able to use your skills to organise events, if you wish, or just turn up to help with local events or fundraising for local and International charities. The International side offers opportunities for travel too.

Your post rang bells for me about eg community politics and woo arty stuff (I live in a hotbed for that 😀).

I've just posted on another thread about volunteering for a national museum. May not be an option for you depending on where you live but I really recommend it. I have the chance to learn new content and skills all the time, to get involved in different projects, try new roles, develop my skills. There is some mandatory training of course but most of that is eg nuts and bolts safety and otherwise I can stay out of stuff that doesn't interest or suit me, but there are social events and extra stuff if I want it. It feels like a job but a job where I turn up with a smile, do my shift, go home happy and satisfied. Bit of admin outside but really not much.