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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

OLD nightmare - do I call the police or am I over reacting? (content warning: sexual harassment and abuse)

107 replies

2kittykatties · 18/07/2023 01:18

I am online dating. I was due to meet someone for the first time from OLD this evening but over the course of the day he made me feel a bit uncomfortable to the point that i decided not to go on the date and told him so. I got a Torrent of abuse from him about how I was a small, pathetic person and how i should "watch my back" for deciding not to come and "leading him on. "

I didn't reply and left my phone on airplane mode. I have just switched it back on to find a load of videos of him having (seemingly forcing) sex acts on another woman, telling me I am “missing out” and "somebody else took your spot." I can literally see her face and everything.

I feel terrified by it. Plus I feel he has personal photos of me (not naked ones just normal ones) and he has our exchange of getting to know each other leading up to this date where I am talking about my divorce etc and where I live (general area not specific house.)

Is this just one of those things that happens in OLD or is this exceptional and I need to do something about it, like tell the police? I have no sense of proportion as this is one of my first experiences.

OP posts:
Lacucuracha · 18/07/2023 05:10

I would report to police. He has committed a crime and should be punished.

User1367349 · 18/07/2023 05:29

In this situation I would call 999.

AWholeExtraRoom · 18/07/2023 05:39

Whatthediddlyfeck · 18/07/2023 01:21

Block and move on

Are you quite mad?!

OP, absolutely report this series of serious crimes.

PostOpOp · 18/07/2023 05:47

Definitely report. I'm glad you trusted your instincts.

Don't forward those videos to anybody (unless the police tell you to send them through - I don't know how they do it). Just in case you want to share with a friend for a second opinion, because that's also illegal.

LiloP · 18/07/2023 05:50

Report him.

make sure none of the photos he has of you are the same as your LinkedIn or company website or other public website so I can’t image search you and find where you work or even live.

Whataretheodds · 18/07/2023 05:51

100% report.

Well done for trusting your instincts and not going.

This is not normal behaviour and you did NOTHING wrong, nothing to warrant this. It's just how men like this operate.

FloofCloud · 18/07/2023 05:57

Wow that's truly hideous, please report him

Campervangirl · 18/07/2023 06:04

Christ, first thread I've read today and I'm absolutely shook.
I'm going to agree with the rest of the pp, contact the police.
Screenshot everything he's sent you.
Please contact the police.
He sounds dangerous.
Take care of yourself, be extra vigilant and definitely tell work, friends and family.
I don't want to scare you but that is absolutely horrendous and you really need be on your guard.
Please update us and please, please be careful ❤️

JaukiVexnoydi · 18/07/2023 06:13

You are not over reacting

He is a dangerous person and the fact is that he has given you a huge amount of material that can and should be used as evidence against him.

Can you take your phone in to a police station? Do you have access to another phone because they may need to keep your phone for a bit while they investigate.

Rainbowqueeen · 18/07/2023 06:16

Report. Both police and OLD site.

This is not remotely normal.

Frogmila · 18/07/2023 06:20

Jesus, police definitely. He has threatened you, and sent a sexual video of another woman, without her consent that you know of. It also appears that it may show assault. Report him to the OLD platform too. He isn't a harmless OLD oddball just to block, he sounds dangerous.

Boatshoes · 18/07/2023 06:23

That is genuinely horrific. I would report to 101. What an absolutely vile beast. Hope you’re ok OP xx

Wouldyouguess · 18/07/2023 06:25

That poor woman 😱
Please please report it to the police!

Canuck48 · 18/07/2023 06:26

Absolutely report this to the police. He has swerved in a huge scary way. Sending you that video is so over the line it’s not funny. Especially if as you say it sounds/felt like him forcing himself on the other person.

if you were the other girl, either with just the video being shared in itself and/or him forcing himself on her, would you want someone who had it shared with to contact the police? I know I would.

Until police contact, keep the lines of communication open, just don’t look or respond. This is so the police can do what they need to with it.

This so definitely the extreme of OLD and not the norm. Not saying there aren’t weirdos out there, just not to that extreme!

GoodChat · 18/07/2023 06:28

Whatthediddlyfeck · 18/07/2023 01:21

Block and move on

Did you read the last section of the post?

Please do report him OP. What a disgusting POS.

Carryonkeepinggoing · 18/07/2023 06:28

Report to Police and also to the OLD site/app. They will likely ban him.

Missingmyusername · 18/07/2023 06:31

Jesus- yes report it. He sounds unhinged at best- dangerous at worst.

Do not listen to the first poster!

tensmum1964 · 18/07/2023 06:42

Definitely contact the Police. This man is dangerous.

Billyhero · 18/07/2023 06:43

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Cinnamope · 18/07/2023 06:44

Please please report this to the police and the OLD site

Doris86 · 18/07/2023 06:48

Whatthediddlyfeck · 18/07/2023 01:21

Block and move on

Seriously? He has made threats to the OP that she needs to ‘watch her back’, and sent a video of himself assaulting another woman.

Of course the OP needs to report to the police, and they would take it very seriously.

blahblahx · 18/07/2023 06:49

Out of curiosity, what was he saying to you beforehand that made you uncomfortable enough not to meet up?

Lostinplaces · 18/07/2023 06:50

You dodged a fucking cannonball there OP. Absolutely report him to 101, he’s fucking nuts.

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 18/07/2023 06:51

Cornchip · 18/07/2023 01:58

That’s horrific. And terrifying.

Definitely report to the police.

I’d also make sure I spent a good bit of time increasing the security settings on all your social media accounts to him and strangers, and blocking him from them.

Make sure there is nothing he can see that will allow him to work out where you live. Do this immediately.

I’d also make sure to tell a friend about this so if, god forbid, something was to happen, they’d be able to relay information to the police.

I really don’t want to scare you but his behaviour is absolutely unhinged. I’ve dated numerous men in my early twenties, some of them have been “crazy” when rejected, but nothing like this. This is really deeply concerning.

Please ensure your doors are locked as well and if you don’t have a doorbell camera perhaps look into getting one. Again, I don’t want to worry you, but I’ve never heard of anything like this from my own experiences, my friends’ experiences and colleagues I’ve worked with over the years as well.

This.

and also the suggestion about informing your place of work.

and I would absolutely go to the police! This man sounds dangerous, violent and may have committed several crimes.

I’m so glad you didn’t go/ cancelled the date. This is definitely not normal and incredibly scary 😟

Bogeyes · 18/07/2023 06:52

Report to police