April 2023 -"Well we took you to Stately Homes"

@REP22 thank you! If Hag could put her boundless energy for spite and transform spite into good things, we’d have world peace by Xmas. I just don’t understand her.

l’m Googling power outrage and heading out with a bag of spanners shortly. I will rope in the old soaks.

Yep, total Zelda clone.

MM’s IBS has flared up - unsurprisingly- and I forsee a weekend where I will explore retraining for a career on an oil rig.

xxx

@Twatalert this is a very late answer. But you are very important to this child. If you can always be positive to her and care about her it will make a huge difference to her. I wasnt as neglected as that but i was subject to a lot of poor behaviour. Today I have been NC for 10 years with my parents . But I still see several aunts, cousins and uncles who were positive to me. I think their behaviour made all the difference to me surviving the poor behaviour at home. Good if you could get any other relatives to be positive to her too.

@Mumfun thank you for confirming this. My therapist recently asked if there was a female (or any) role model for me growing up and there wasn't. I follow several abuse survivors on social media. Some also don't remember anyone, but others remember an aunt or a teacher being a bit of a safe haven for them and they talk about how their kindness got them through some difficult times. I don't have any specific goals with my niece. Just that I treat her with respect and accept her for who she is. It's easy to do if you genuinely love someone.

The alternative is The Hag locked in a cage with Turkey sandwiches pushed through the bars. 😂

@MonkeyfromManchester thanks very much for the humor in your posts. I love your updates. I suffered something similar from my NM with one trip we did visiting family WITHOUT her. She didn't stop ringing. The way you put it actually helps me a lot (the funny side if it, its the best thing ro do as its so incredibly pathetic).
Enjoy the rest of the weekend in Scotland :)

@Sarahbumdaa I would say look for therapy but if you aren't ready yet listen for podcasts about coping with narcisits recorded here. They are very helpful for me. Take care of yourself. You aren't alone x

@Sarahbumdaa I've found therapy and exercise really helpful. Even just going for a 30 minute walk everyday helps me clear my head. I also started journaling at the beginning of the year which I've found super beneficial.

@girlswillbegirls Thanks ive had therapy. I guess I'm a bit soft. I will have a look and see if I can again

@tonewbeginnings Yes I.ll try writing some of my thoughts down. Its just a bit rubbish when your trying your hardest and its just not good enough. I guess deep down I believe the hype from my parents that im wholly not good enough.

@Sarahbumdaa please don't believe you are soft. You just didn't find the right therapist.

I still haven't done therapy myself but started to listen to podcasts and it has been very good for me. One eureka moment for me with the podcasts is that NM cannot change. They dont have the capacity for change, so it's us that need to change the way we absorb their attacks and stop participating. The analogy used was a game of cards. Next time a narcissist start attacking you saying for example your hair is awful, you see the person as someone playing a solitary.
You can respond or not respond but be aware that you aren't on the game. Its her madness and bitterness. This person only plays solitaires.

I cannot explain it but it was an eureka moment.

You are strong, beautiful and great. Please never ever believe you aren't good enough. Don't let your NM crush you. xx

In the practical sense this is what also helps me: exercise regularly, swimming in the sea, meet good friends, have a cup of nice coffee, read a good book, watch movies with the kids, go for walks with them, currently writing a list of good memories. xx

Thank you I agree with everything you have said. I suppose deep down I thought they might have made an effort to make amends, and sometimes I think was it that bad. Because they used to say how much they loved me. However I wasn't able to make any decisions for myself. They would tell be who to be friends with and say things like no one would love me like they love me. Its so confusing. Im off work for a few days now so im going to order the book you suggested and find some podcasts. Thanks so much.

I am 52 have spent my whole life thinking that one day they would realise and be nice to me it has not happened now they have alienated their only grandchildren as well as me don’t seem to care everything just causes more anger and it apparently my fault all I did was stand up to mother once and made a polite but honest comment

I am so sad and tired of fighting. Every day feels like a struggle. I was born into misery and it gets tiring.

I had an abusive upbringing with a very violent father, who in my opinion had psychopathic behaviours. My mother enabled him and also had some kind of personality disorder.

I have found functioning very difficult. I want nothing more than to have my own business, I have a degree and I learned the skill I need to start my business, but I just never have the courage to start. I can only guess it's because I was chronically criticised in a daily basis. I hate the marketing side of it too I feel like you have to expose yourself on social media and it feels so awkward for me.

In the workplace I have bad anxiety and authority and constant performance review put me over the edge.

Do any of you have low functioning problems due to your upbringing?

Hello, I've posted before a while ago (I'm mother teased me about being autistic but never got me a diagnosis despite working in special needs education, and who let my large brother beat me up regularly)

I was having a really good week, I've been in therapy since January and it's really starting to have an effect. I got my house into a semi tidy and clean state and had 2 friends round today games and watch a film. I took myself to a&e for an x-ray after a fall and didn't freak out and asked for what I needed. I saw my mother and she called me autistic (she offered me some arnica cream for my bruise and I declined because I don't like the tingly feeling of it, and she said 'and you say you're NOT autistic!' Which is one of her common sayings to me) and for the first time I actually said 'don't say that to me' and stood up for myself. She said 'why not it's nice to be autistic ' and I said 'no I don't like it', and she changed the subject.

So I.. feeling all proud of myself for lots of good growth this week. And this morning mother texts me to say she's put some spending money in my bank account for my weekend away next week.

I am going away next weekend for my birthday to specifically avoid her and her 6am card drop through my front door. She can't be bothered to try and see me on my birthday despite living round the corner and expecting a big fuss on her birthday. I take myself away from the situation now and have a lovely time with my husband.

Being given £100 should be nice, but now I'm all anxious and tearful. Live she can't just let me get away from her without having some kind of input. Also, I told her we were going away, and she didn't even ask what we were doing but went on to tell me alllll about the Sun newspaper holiday she's booked. Sigh. I don't know. This is a rant really that I needed to get out.

@Twatalert my mother was the same. I couldn't just exist without being commented on. 'What's that face for?' 'what are you doing with your face' and her favourite 'oh very ladylike'. And not forgetting not being allowed new school shoes until I 'stopped walking like a duck'

I've been working on it, and now take great pleasure in sitting with my legs akimbo in a most unladylike fashion accompanied by my fine resting bitch face 😊 I even laid on a bench by the seaside on holiday this year, on my own, in the sun and it was glorious, even though I knew full well I looked fat and ugly, and nothing happened. It's almost as if you can move through the world in whatever way you're comfortable in and nobody else cares (except your toxic parents, and they can get lost!)

@GreggsVeganSausageRoll i hear you, and this is a safe space to share your feelings.

We are about to go on an AI holiday, my mum has put £100 in my account for the kids to spend whilst we are away. It’s a ridiculous amount of money that will be near on impossible to spend in the resort (she knows). Few people will understand the anxiety this causes me, that is she now inserting herself into my holiday and I will now have to find ways for the kids to spend it that will be acceptable to her (and that can fit in our easyJet luggage allowance!). She also tells me how much I need my break and how I must relax etc etc, but all I hear is “once you’ve had a break you will have more energy to start meeting my needs again”. I know the pattern.
Have a lovely break, and a really happy birthday.

@Snoozinandlosin thank you for your understanding, although I'm sorry you understand and are going through similar. I don't have any answers - give it back? Spend it on an excursion? Give it to a homeless person? 'drop' it in the bottom of the swimming pool?!

I hope you have a lovely holiday too!

@soandsopinky A lot of that resonates with me. I did some additional training, outside of my professional life, but have been so paralysed with fear about having to put myself out there, people not liking me and getting it wrong. I think more people struggle with working for themselves and marketing themselves than we know, but it's hard not to think "what if I'd had a different upbringing?"

@Snoozinandlosin I would be putting any money she gives you into a savings account for your kids rather than stressing yourself out trying to find things to buy that you don't even want. Putting feelings attached to it aside and being hard faced about it, it's the sensible thing to do.

What is the worst thing that can happen if you do something with it that she doesn't approve of? She says some mean things that make you feel bad. Well, feelings are just nerve pathways firing in the gut and brain. They're real but that doesn't make them true, and if you wait them out, they pass. They're not something to be afraid of.

@Snoozinandlosin I'd use it to buy yourself a fabulous picnic to have on the plane seeing as Easyjet in-flight food is hideous.

@MonkeyfromManchester when the Hag asked for SIL's number I would have given her the phone number of Aberdeen Zoo.

@soandsopinky yes, i have been through similar self confidence issues with my career. I found it useful to go to a weekly after work drinks meet-up with others in my profession. All of us have similar overlapping issues at work and it made me realise that not everything is linked to having a traumatic childhood.

People can find speaking up, public speaking, marketing themselves and taking the plunge to start a business daunting, regardless of their upbringing. We’re not along with these fears and also not alone in having had childhood trauma - sometimes the trauma can even become the fuel to overcome these fears.

Hi all hope everyone is well. I haven't posted on hear in a while but there's something playing on my mind and wondered if anyone can relate.
Random but I was reading something last week about Britney Spears, I don't know if anyone follows her instagram but there's something very wrong. I've been thinking for ages now that she reminds me of my mum.. especially all the hyper sexual and inappropriate behaviour.. her sons have said how this is affecting them (bullying and just a general feeling that she doesn't care about the effects of her behaviour on them) Instead of taking this on board it seems to have made her worse and very defensive.
I know it's weird to compare my mum to Britney but my mum's sexual behaviour was horrendous for me as a child. Affairs with school friends dads, loud one night stands, locking her self in her bedroom all day with random men and extremely loud sex... almost like it was her intent for me to hear.. I was 8 years old!! Also a lot of walking around the house naked. I have never forgot the smug look on her face when she realised how much she was upsetting me. Again almost like a defensive... it's my body and I'll do what I want with it.
(Just to clarify I am aware there is no mention of Britney taking it that far) But a loving mother would put her own wants aside for the sake of her children's mental health and ongoing relationship.
Anyway I read somewhere that Britney has Bi polar and that in women that can display as hyper sexuality and a lack of regard for other's feelings.
I've been no contact for years and have zero desire to break that.
I've personally always felt it was done with intent to upset. Does anyone else have experiences similar and what are your thoughts?
Also what are people's feelings on mental health conditions being the reason for your ruined childhoods, does it mean we should practice forgiveness?

I'm bipolar 2 and was diagnosed over 30 years ago, when I was 24.

I've never acted in a hypersexual way and if anything, I'm more concerned about other people's feelings than is healthy...I'm a people pleaser with a strong tendency to always put others first...which has ended up with my life being in a pretty bad state.

That being said, no, I don't think mental health problems excuse bad childhoods/entitle a parent to forgiveness. My thinking, having grown up with a mother who definitely had (untreated) mental health problems (narcissist) that made her totally disinterested in her children - she always put her marriage first - she should have got treatment BEFORE having children...or not had children at all.

I have two brothers and none of us have had children. I'm the only one that has mental health issues.

@Sarahbumdaa it has taken me 41 years to realise that my parents do not say sorry and seek to make amends. They never tried to repair a relationship after a disagreement. Even after 6 days of the silent treatment when I was small, they would just go back to normal. There was no repair of the relationship, even though they knew that I was upset. I realise that I was often emotionally abandoned in this way and that the words “I love you” weren’t matched by actions that showed “love”. It sounds like you were being isolated and put down. The “insight” podcast is really helping me to see all the instances when I was isolated and abandoned, judged, criticised, etc. I became hyperindependent but luckily (I really don’t know how) have managed to build an amazing life full of very safe and functioning people who really do show healthy care and love. Be gentle with yourself.

@my82my the “insight” podcast mentioned covert sexual abuse and the examples given have triggered so many memories for me that I knew were weird, but that I had never labelled before. As a child I never had any privacy. I always had to have an open bedroom door and my mum would walk in on me whilst I showered (and still does). She also had no bodily boundaries, I remember being 10 and her teaching me how to clean my vagina. She showed me with hers and then did it to me. My mum also walked around naked in front of me and my brother and called me a prude when I objected. She stripped off on the beach the very first time she met my husband as she was changing back into clothes. My body was always objectified and she has always felt justified commenting on how I look. was also my mother’s confidant and was told stuff that was definitely not age appropriate. I read the Joy of Sex aged 6 and at age 14 I remember my mum telling me in detail about her having sex with my dad whilst she was on her period. It was so inappropriate.

The penny only dropped yesterday that my mother only really sees me as an extension of herself. The first thing she said to my husband about me in 2016 when they first met, was that I looked "deformed" (I had put on some weight). I realise that doesn’t care that I am happy or healthy. Only about the fact that I am not living up to her expectations of being perfect and she takes it as a personal affront that I could make her look bad by being overweight.

Re: your point on forgiveness, I am not religious but I know for sure that my parents have never apologised to me for their behaviour. On that basis, I am not sure that I owe them any forgiveness as they do not repent. The Insight podcast talk about getting to a point of “acceptance” and building your sense of self and calling out the abuse that we suffered to take back out power. I am not there yet, but every day I am getting closer. Yesterday my MIL asked about my parents and I said that I am still working through trauma and so have not been in touch with them. I am still anxious about how to eventually deal with extended family about going NC and not exposing my children to abuse, but I hope that I will have the courage to say it as it is: it has taken me 41 years to realise that I have suffered emotional and covert sexual abuse and I am choosing my and my family’s safety from now on. If they say, you only have one mother, I will say, so you are saying that I should go back to my abuser and put myself back in the path of harm? Wow that was tough to write. I may need a bit more practice saying it before it sticks.