April 2023 -"Well we took you to Stately Homes"

That really sucks Atilla. What was your father's justification for the idea of giving your brother more?

@AttilaTheMeerkat this is a right pain and I would want to be left out if it even if it meant no inheritance. Say to avoid animosity your parents will have to find someone independent to take care of it who will act in their best interest.

The fact your brother is to receive more for whatever reason stings and always will. I can tell from your post you resent him, im guessing for good reason. It's not just your brother's doing though. Your parents are just as guilty for having somehow allowed an environment where he gets preferential treatment and they jump when he wants something. You sound like the outcast.

For a parent or a set of parents to show favouritism in a Will is a terrible thing to do. It's a deliberate choice to cause trouble and upset from beyond the grave.

If I were in your position, I would ask Mr Meerkat to tell your DH that he will agree to act as executor only if the Will is changed to express no favouritism and to split the estate equally, because anything else will only cause upset and he will have no part in that.

An executor is always free to hand the administration of the estate over to a solicitor, so they don't have to handle it themselves if they don't want to.

@AttilaTheMeerkat If I were your OH I wouldn't touch that with a bargepole and would say no. Even if you all got on, it's not appropriate. I am not surprised that you were upset by the unfair division of the money. I know things often get weird with wills/money and you can't control what people do, but it's a pretty awful thing to do.

@AttilaTheMeerkat FWIW I had a similar revelation v recently - I have not asked for anything in years. Haven't even had a bday present. I knew my sibling was being helped out financially, but had no idea just how much, and then found out that step sibling had also been dipping into the parental pot. I don't want anything but I was still shocked and stung by it. Similar reasons were given.

Abusive parents tend to use money or favours against their victim. When mine realised I was at the point of no return and would no longer engage with their BS one of the things they said was 'all the things we have done for you all these years'.

I wonder to this day what they think they have done either financially or materialistic in the last 20 years. I moved out to uni at 18, they sent me money every month (they were required by law in the country I lived in) in addition to a student loan I had taken out. Once finished I went straight into work, far away from home, and have not required their assistance whatsoever. No money, no helping me out doing this or that. I have built everything, and I mean EVERYTHING, I have today from scratch by myself under disadvantaged circumstances given the abuse they put be through and the mental illnesses that meant for me. I have NO idea what they might be referring to. The only thing I can think of is their pick ups from a train station when I went to visit, a meal out or sending online orders to their address which I'd always pay for or give them the money for. And I now feel guilty even for that.

Apologies for the rant. I am having a very difficult time at the moment. I'm feeling very vulnerable and on the edge. Crying all the time.

Mine have done something similar currently on a silent treatment for standing up to them , got an text telling me they had appointed my 2 brothers as will executors and power of attorney even though I am oldest and a lot more financially clued up than them , one brother still has them knowing a lot about his finances and has been given a very large lump sum as house deposit a fact the parents neglected to tell their other children (who got nothing). I would suggest keeping out of it

@AttilaTheMeerkat i think he’ll be ok. He just has wobbles now & again. He knows he owes her nothing. He doesn’t owe Slave son anything either. SS was paper of the abuse.

£ will be for the grandsons not us and I’m happy, although I get the games behind it, that they get the cash to blow on a night out. Hag will expect a phone call but so long that’s out of my earshot I don’t care.

@FreeRider yep, my BIL never married. He’s not had a relationship since the 1980s as he’s the slave it’s awful. I think the expectation was that xMM would stay single too.

@MadamePickle I’ve just realised who you are! Sorry. You’ve name changed. There’s not much guilt here as MM has uncovered the sick complexity of his family. I think I was having a wobble as I’ve broken my flipping collarbone and feeling vulnerable! The shits must be FURIOUS that the games don’t work. I imagine the hag in her lair puzzling over why none of it is working.

@Twatalert huge hugs. I’m sorry it’s a grim day. I imagine your family totting up the petrol receipts. I think the financial abuse is dreadful. They will stop at nothing. Hope tomorrow is a better day.xxxx

My parents use money as a form of control. However, that control was broken when I graduated, and all of a sudden they were asking me to pay for things. I put my foot down and it created trauma within the family as I was mean. Luckily I moved 150 miles away and had a busy career though that meant I had no support whatsoever when I had children.

Recently the topic of wills has come up and they wanted me to be executor. My sibling will get a larger share because she works so hard and has two adult children to support. Er hello, so do I. But sibling's DC have had a more difficult time and are not as successful as mine apparently and that isn't fair so things have to be 'evened up'. They even reminded me that I should leave some of my estate to sibling and her DC as it is really important to support them and my DC have good jobs anyway! Then the penny dropped that they want me to do all the donkey work, divvy up the estate accordingly and it will not make them or sibling look bad as I am involved. I simply said that seeing as my sibling and her DC are getting much larger shares than myself and my DC and various bits going to others then the sibling needs to be the executor.

Quite frankly I don't give two shits about their wills as they have frittered away their money over the years expecting me to step in for support. They know it will not happen as I will only support my DC and that they are the ones who screwed up their relationship with me.

Stand firm@AttilaTheMeerkat This is one of their last throws of the dice to control you.

Forgot to add that a friend's parent has recently died and left a very 'messy' will with an uneven split. Significant amounts of money had been given to two of the DC before the death and nothing to the two others. Lawyers are now involved along with the added tax complications relating to 7-year rule.

@AttilaTheMeerkat Something similar had to me and it’s honestly completely changed my feelings for a parent who I really loved.

My Narc mother tried to do something similar over the years, but lesson learned; I have completely checked out.

Narcs like dangling carrots. I would not even bother trying to bargain with your Dad to give you more. He’s trying to triangulate you from your DH by expecting DH to keep secrets from you and that Executor role sounds very dangerous, you don’t know what your DH will have to deal with in the future.

I read in another forum about Narcs loving to give out tasks to others. And this Executor role seems like a way of tasking your DH.

Tell your Dad to get a solicitor.

@AttilaTheMeerkat sorry I missed your post. It’s more control / game playing via money, especially bringing your husband in to it. It’s the ncrrdibly hurtful to see the evidence of family favouritism pin black and white. Awful. Huge hugs to you.

@AttilaTheMeerkat this is very hurtful and like others have said a complicated role for your DH to step into.

I only found out after my father passed away who had been appointed with which role. My sister was the first one to tell me in the most roundabout way, by explaining to me how she and our mother are very close so she will be taking care of her (she missed out the ‘taking care of her finances’ part). I was confused about this conversation which happened a couple of days after our father passed away. Then my mother claimed a year later that she didn’t know that my sister had been assigned all these roles as my father just decided this on his own. She repeatedly told me this story every time I visited her even though I never asked her any questions about it. I would always say “he did what he thought was best”. It was weird because he is not here to defend himself. I eventually asked her why she keeps telling me this and she stopped.

I wasn’t surprised that my sister was assigned these roles but it was very painful to have favouritism confirmed. I always thought it was in my head! After a while I also felt more confident to reduce contact as it was now in black and white what my role is in the family. I have much more emotional detachment to my mothers drama now and reduced contact.

I’m just sharing this because you are not alone in this will drama. In fact I think making a will and assigning roles is the perfect tool for narc family members to create even more drama, stress and self-importance. It’s not worth it!

On the topic of wills. A couple of years ago I finally put one in place for my young children. It was something I put off for ages because people normally put family in guardianship and other roles when they have young children. We asked friends to take up various roles in ours. I thought it would be awkward but it was fine. I felt like the only person I know who can’t assign roles to family.

It took a lot out of me to finally accept the type of family I have, grieve my experiences and make plans for my kids if something should happen to me or my husband. It’s particularly difficult to do this while the children are little but ultimately I was motivated by the fear of what could happen if there was no will in place.

Again just sharing this in case anyone else has been facing similar issues. A will is just for piece of mind for worst case scenarios but if you have narc families and a traumatic childhood there’s even more reason to have one. Especially if you have young children.

@AttilaTheMeerkat Your post turned a huge lightbulb on for me because unfortunately that was me. My father left my DM for her best friend and walked away from his children as well. He successfully rewrote history for himself so he could attribute all the blame onto me and my brother. He cut contact with us but managed to dupe his family into believing that it was us that had contact with him. We refused to play his games and stopped trying to have contact with him. Our evil SM wrote and told us that we were going to be written out of his will if we didn't contact him. We ignored the letter which must have driven them both mad as we never wanted his money just the time he wasn't prepared to give. I spent years wishing she would die first so we could get our Dad back but he died unexpectedly from Covid last year. We were written out of the will but we went to the funeral where we put his family straight about what had actually happened. I've been extremely hurt by the whole sorry saga for the last 18 months but I am now realising that everything I have achieved has been my own doing and I am where I am despite him and I'm better for it. Will shit is awful - tell your father to do one and don't let him use your DH to divide you.

Sorry to post again immediately but it never occurred to me that narcs would try and use money as a form of control. My father may have cut me and my brother out of his will but he left my two children £3k each but not until they reached the age of 21 as he didn’t want them to ‘fritter it away’ (exact will wording). I see now he was still trying to exert control even after his death. He failed though as my 21 year old son gave half of his £3k to his 17 year old sister as soon as he received it and she will give the same to him when she reaches 21. Bet he flipped in his grave at that one!

@AttilaTheMeerkat so sorry that you are going through this and agree with all the posts above. Stand firm and stay out of it. Still hurts though.

I have stood on my own two feet since the age of 18 but worked from the age of 14. My NM always tells me I would be nothing if it weren't for them. This week I am wondering what I may have been if I didn't carry the trauma suit that I am now realising has been weighing me down my whole life. I realise the perfectionism that I have and the drive to do stuff and achieve is me seeking external validation that I am good enough. That I am worthy.

My parents are reaching retirement age now and I have been worrying about my mum who has no pension. She could never hold a job down as apparently everyone bullied her. My narc step dad gave her a lump sum 20+ years ago which I invested for her to produce £19K income p/a but then I got sick of managing the property and he advised her to sell. She bought a couple of flats in Spain but they don't produce as much income. I have come to terms with the fact that it is their mess, not mine to sort out. As far as inheritance goes, I do not want anything from them and hope that they do not want anything from me. I know my narc step dad is over leveraged, so his estate more likely to be in debt but I have stopped loaning them money or asking about their financial affairs. I don't owe them anything, but likewise, I don't need anything from them.

Hello

I haven’t posted in here for a couple of years since going no contact and thought I was doing ok (under a different name)

I know this is going to sound crazy but the Lucy Letby case has started triggering quite a lot of things and I’m bringing up a lot of old memories.

Whenever I hear people say ‘but her parents are so lovely and they just did their best for her’ I want to scream. Why can’t they see it?

Just wanted to get it off my chest and didn’t know were else to go.

@lauraclaridge I had exactly the same thoughts about Lucy Letbys parents. It's highly highly unlikely they as lovely as they are portrayed. Reading between the lines I can actually see the signs of abuse. I think it makes a good story for the press. Girl who had everything growing up turns serial killer. But also emotional abuse is so hard to understand if you haven't experienced it or don't know you are experiencing it.

@Twatalert

Yes - proud of achievements but not of her, the infantilising, put on a pedestal and could do no wrong so doesn’t really understand the difference between right or wrong just not to get caught and all the pressure that comes with it, domineering father, histrionic mother, her shame in front of them when she talked about the Dr boyfriend, her fear of leaving them, the 3 holidays a year etc etc.

I bet she got taken to stately homes though.

My parents were so, so similar. I, being the scapegoat, wasn’t indulged though, unlike my sister.

And you’re right. I think it’s easier for people to accept that some people are just born evil rather than admit some people have really shit parents.

Not of course that I am excusing her in any way.

FWIW I suspect the Letby situation is a mix of the two. There's something wrong in the way she's wired and there was some suspect parenting. Most people with awful parents do not go on to murder babies. We actually spend our lives putting all our energy into not being awful. Did get the ick feeling from the bits that have been said about her familial relationships though.