how do we teach our sons to be good husbands?

[helicopterview]

I've been thinking about this recently. I have two ds aged 7 and 10, and a dh who has recently had an EA. Couples counseling is helping us explore the various ways our relationship can hopefully be improved.

It's thrown a spotlight for me on what a great opportunity and responsibility I have to teach my 2 boys to be respectful, honest, fair and loving to their future girlfriends/wives.

Is anyone else thinking about this?

teach them that women are first an foremost people just like them, and are equal.

i will watch this with interest. i also have two boys and sad to say seem to be surrounded by families where women are treated as lesser beings. my own mum included. im currently going through a really hard time with OH wrt to the same sort of thing and I feel i really need to be proactive if i want to teach my dses how to be good partners to their spouses. i know i cant let them learn from what they see around them

The main thing is to show by example, isn't it? If their male role model isn't someone they should want to emulate then do something about it.

One thing I've always done is place an emphasis on honesty. One of my ds has a friend his age (a girl - possibly irrelevant) who tells bare faced lies! On the one occasion I caught ds lying to me to get out of trouble for something. I calmly explained that he had done 2 things wrong now - the original behaviour, whatever it was, and now also lying to me. And I wanted him to tell the truth.

Well said msboogie

i abhorr lying. to me that is worse than whatever it i syou have done wrong. i cant have lies at all and ds knows this. (one of my problems with OH)i have always made it clear to ds that as long as he tells the truth i will be able to support him.

What's an EA?

I do agree msboogie, but I also think the roots are laid down in childhhood.

We mothers have a big role to play, in terms of sharing our values, and letting them know what's positive and masculine.

I have friends with girls only, who worry about girls feeling empowered/glass ceilings and all that.

Whereas I think girls are now doing better at A levels and more going to university. Being a mother of boys I think our generation thinks alot about girl power. And less about our men-to-be.

My DH is an absolute diamond. His own dad is an idiot who thinks women are there to serve. Thankfully DH's mum binned him off when DH was only 3 and he has his step dad to thank for the excellent example he set. Makes the biggest difference I think.

EA = emotional affair

helicopterview I agree - it is actually even more important that that girls are brought up to have high self esteem and to know that they must expect to be well treated by men and to walk away at the first "red flag" incident.

90% of the women posting about problems here are putting up with treatment that they wouldn't if they hadn't got low self esteem or had their confidence eroded by some inadequate twerp.

i have 3 boys,but certainly dont want to teach them to be good 'husbands'!! why do we assume this is the path they would follow anyway??

i will teach my boys to treat everyone as equals. i am also teaching them how to take care of themselves and basic social skills.

at 11 the eldest knows how to do basic cooking,he knows how to clean and how important it is to maintain what we've got....he can budget and save for things and does well in school with a career in mind.

he has a 'girlfriend' and he cares for her,he has sisters,so knows about girl stuff.

so i think he's doing ok....but he needs to know he can be a happy functioning adult who can be himself and doesnt have to have a wife to conform to 'norms'..

i worry alot about the family justice system,too many relationships break down and the mums deny access to kids. too many men end up with nothing if a divorce comes about.

Yes, you're right. I know what you mean.

But back to our sons - do we think enough about what we teach them now, to prevent them turning into the sort of men you read about on MN!

agree with Ilovetiffany - I want my dc's to grow up to be good people ( Ihave 1 ds and 2 dd's)

Imagine asking "How do we teach our daughters to be good wives?"

sorry x posting. That was for msboogie.

Sounds like you are doing a terrific job Ilovetiffany.

For 'husband' read any sort of partner.

Littlemiss - I don't actually think good people and good husbands are mutually exclusive.

'How do we teach our boys to grow up to good people' could just as easily have been the title of this thread.

If you are a good person, chances are you are also a good husband/boyfriend/partner.

I just think we talk a lot about how we want girls to become strong, equal, unafraid, etc. (which is right and proper)

But I don't remember ever reading one single article about the values we want our boys to develop as they grow. (aside from 'raising boys)

if you have come across something...would love to know

I have to ds (2 and 5) myself and this is something that has been at the front of my mind for some time.

I have recently left XH due to his verbal and emotional abuse (amongst other things!). It struck me that the way he behaved towards me was not acceptable and certainly not something that I wanted my boys to witness. I remember lying in bed many a night thinking that I didn't want my boys to grow up like him .... I didn't want them to think that the way I was treated by XH was an acceptable way to treat women. It took a lot of counselling and a lot of courage, but I finally left him and am so glad that I did. I no longer have control over what behaviour they see from my XH, but I do know that they are predominatly with me and in time I hope that they see and learn from their time with me how to grow up to be a respectable and reasonalble person.

I can see where my XH got it from too as I see now the way his dad speaks to his mother which is so derogatory .... I was obviously blinded by love for some time before waking up and smelling the coffee!

I do believe that your boys will pick up on, and lead by your example in life. I am trying to do the best by my boys. Like I said, I can no longer influence what they see from my XH and indeed his parents, however, they will no longer see ME being treated in that way and I believe this is the most important thing.

I haven't come across any texts on this, but like you said, if you are a good person chances are you are a good partner. My new DP is liek chalk and cheese to my XH. He never speaks down to me, treats me as his equal and totally repects me. The boys really like him and can see how happy he makes me. I'm hoping this will influence them in some way to see this is what makes people happy - to treat each other with the respect that they deserve!

I hope that all makes sense!!

Sorry, posted in a hurry with baby in one arm!

I just meant that by showing them how to be good, thoughtful, caring people they should then automatically become good husbands/wives. I suppose I have been just trying to show him by mine and dh's example rather than consciously thinking what I should be teaching him. Luckily my dh is a star of a man so hopefully that will be helping.

Imtheonlyone - thanks for your post. Sounds like your boys will not be moaned about on MN in the future!

I guess that I just have to keep on communicating what I think is acceptable. And hope that they work out that when my h flies into a temper, or exaggerates ( you always..., you never...) that that's not the best/only way.

And I need my H to recognise that these behaviours are not the way we want to raise our kids.

I've been interested to see what a great effect school-based learning has had on my nephews. Being members of my family, they live in chronically dysfunctional households with peculiar gender-related expectations. This has, sadly, resulted in behavioural & emotional problems for the kids. What they've been taught in school, however, seems to mitigate quite a lot. They understand what abuse is & why it's wrong; they have no "kitchen-slave" ideas about women; they can cook & run a home as well as do "boy stuff"; they have total clarity on rights and resonsibilities, and can express their feelings effectively.

I think it's pretty good

I was never taught to cook, use washing machine, iron etc. I think with my own children though I will try and teach them some domestic skills though. I have always liked tidying up and with that I am almost Monica from friends obsessional but everything else I never learnt to do. It has took me a long time to catch up to do normal things that most people can do already. I do think as I do less hours now it is my job but it has been hard to learn as I couldnt even do the basic things when I got married such as fry an egg, or cook a meal with meat in and stir in sauce as I was scared to do it, I didnt know an iron was meant to have water in it and didnt even know where to put it in the first time I used an iron at 18! . That sounds ridiculous now but it was how I was for years after I got married. I was very spoilt at home as was my brother so we just never did it.

It has never effected my marriage though but I do think it makes more sense for men and women to learn some skills before they leave home. I know I am not the only one like me as I have many friends who are the same its just a young generational thing I think.

I see what you are trying to say Sunny, but don't feel too stupid about the iron. When I was growing up I was taught to use an iron (amongst other skills) but you didn't have to put water in our family iron! It took me a while to figure out the first steam iron I used and I was way over 18.

Politics is how you teach them to be decent men. Anarchism, socialism - of course feminism. Capitalism treats everyone as a commodity so a woman can easily become a meal maker/unpaid carer/cleaner...

Imo.

From experience I can tell you what not to do:

Don't let them speak to you like crap. They will start to believe that all women will put up with this. They won't. They won't all believe that "Oh that's just what he's like. He doesn't mean it"

Don't bring them up to believe that the woman is solely in charge of running the household.

Do teach them how to cook, use a washing machine, iron, put their own clothes away etc.

Don't tell them they are mummy's little boy when they are 30. And don't pack them special lunches and bring meals to their door, because you believe their wife/gf is not looking after them properly. Because she will look at you like this and then she will call her mum and laugh at you.

Teach them not to rely on their mums...