Sorry, what does this mean?
"Judging by thread here I have a great sex life and I thought it was starting to suffer at every other day hmm"
I just can't understand what you mean.
Rafwife I don't want to patronise you in kind, but perhaps because you are younger, you haven't yet processed the issues about porn.
I will speak for myself and tell you that my misgivings about it have nothing to do with any jealousy or worries that if my H were looking at it, he would be finding someone more attractive than me. My objections to it are political, not personal. Despite your derision, my H is an intelligent, well-read political animal himself and over the years, both our views on porn have changed, in response I think to two issues.
Unlike when we were young and first married, extreme porn has become much more widely accessible. When my H had a chat with our teenage son about this recently, he explained what porn was available when he was that age - it amounted to a magazine passed around his friends. There was no internet. It would have been pretty much impossible for a teenager in those days to access child or animal porn, or porn that involved rape, anal sex, a woman having her hair pulled or being shouted at in an aggressive manner.
In about the mid-nineties when the internet was in its relative infancy, we saw the lads mag culture starting. The tone of many of the articles about women were about "binning her if she won't take it up the arse", praising women for their "topiary skills" and pejorative statements and references to women who did not fit the physical ideal of being young, thin, shaved and beautiful. Older women were derided and if a pretty women was intelligent with an intellectual job role, this was mentioned as an after-thought.
The twin effect of this culture and the internet has I think had a pernicious effect on young men and women's expectations about what is acceptable in a relationship where both parties treat eachother with respect and kindness. This is not prudery. Even if living a polyamorous lifestyle, consenting sex between adults should at least involve mutual respect. However, if boys and girls read that it is acceptable to call a woman "bitch" and other epithets while having sex with her - and yanking her hair back to penetrate her mouth so deeply that she gags, there is not much respect going on there.
Through the course of my work, I have spent a lot of time with professionals who deal with the aftermath of rape. There is an increasing incidence of anal rape, penatration by other objects and a particularly noxious development in gang culture where a teenage girl (usually a vulnerable kid in care) is used as the gang's blow-job provider, treated as the personal property of those gang members.
Now against this growing disquiet, one incident finally brought it home to us as parents, that porn and disrespect to women is linked. A serious sexual assault took place by older boys on a younger girl at our DS's school. She was subjected to the hair-pulling I've described above and verbally abused throughout.
Now if you can't see a link between all this and porn, then as parents, we can.
Like you, my H and I used to be pretty liberal about porn and enjoyed it ourselves as a couple and as individuals. I think I used to think like you, that women who objected, had hang-ups and were prudes. Because we're in the habit of being very open and honest about our sex life and other issues, my H and I have discussed our growing unease with it over the last few years, particularly since our DCs are getting older. So this is where we're at - nothing to do with prudery or jealousy and everything to do with political and societal responsibility.
You seem very smug about your healthy relationship, but seem unwilling to accord the same respect to others' relationships. What you have admitted however is that you would be "very surprised" if your H doesn't use porn, which implies that you don't talk about it as a couple.
Your posts have the tone, I'm afraid of "I'm young, I've got no hang-ups about sex, I have a great sex-life and as long as I carry on like this, my husband won't be unfaithful like all these other prudish old feminists' Hs on Mumsnet. I mean what do they expect?"
What I'm telling you is that that is an unhelpful and offensive stereotype that I think you could usefully challenge.
With regard to the OP, I have already said that constant hypervigilance on the part of the OP is not good for her - or him. Your approach is to stop it or he'll have an affair and who could blame him?
My approach is to work on communicating about deeply held beliefs about sexuality in the marriage and the gender roles within it.
We are perhaps both right that if the situation continues, an affair or affairs might be the result. But for very different reasons.