Drugs again. Please someone tell me I'm doing the right thing.

[MercurySummer]

First of all, sorry if this is a bit rambly and not as intelligently written as most MN posts... I wasn't going to post at all as most of his stupid family are probably on here, but then I thought, f@*k it.
Dp and I together over 6 years, have a DS (4) and a DD (12 weeks). He has what you might call an 'addictive personality' and has had a previous problem with cocaine. we broke up over it when DS was small (I was informed of his problem by a 'friend'). Things haven't been right between us for a while, and the old warning signs had returned, so last week when we had had a row I looked at his mobile. I found some fairly incriminating messages. I then checked his bank statements and found MANY occurances of large sums of money being withdrawn for no apparent reason. I confronted him with this, and he tried to explain it away (unconvincingly). After more pressure from me, he finally admitted he's been using Mephedrone ('not regularly... probably once a fortnight')! Since then he seems to have lost the plot completely, not going to work and basically behaving like a prick. I've kicked him out and he's gone to his mothers. That was 3 days ago and I've heard nothing from him . I'm gutted about it all. He knows how I feel about drugs (never touched them, infact I don't even drink). I'm not even gutted for me (I will get over his betrayal eventually), just for my poor DS and tiny DD who will grow up without their dad around.

So sorry for rambling. Please someone reassure me that I've done the right thing. Was feeling so strong but now... I don't know how I feel.

That's the badger! Thanks AF.
We have just agreed (via text) that he will come and see the kids on Saturday. I asked him if he could stay after they're in bed so we can talk. No response yet. How do you begin a conversation about access/finances etc? It's so hard. All I know for sure is that I must not be drawn into a conversation about 'us'. Must be businesslike and unemotional. I might need an MN pep talk before then.

Post as much as you need.

I have no practical advice on how to have that talk, have never had to do it (thankfully), but many women on here have

it might be worth a new thread for that alone if you need somewhere to start

yes he did show remorse but i dont believe it was genuine it was just another one of his ploys. Ive had text messages tonight asking about the kids. Said our youngest was up and he asked what she had been up to? She is 4 yrs old. then came the feel sorry for me i know you hate me .................. i didnt even react to that one. im past playing stupid games.

If your dh wants you he will bend over backwards to prove it.

Im starting to think that if you make me feel like shit then your the shit and im better off without you.

Im sorry thats not helpful. But im trying to get past the misery bit and think it will get better i will be happy and there is someone out there who will love me and make me feel special.

Everyone deserves to feel special

sp...very wise words from someone who has been there

Oh help
we exchanged texts last night, and I asked how much his parents know (they haven't contacted me since this all happened, which is unusual for them). He said 'i don't know what you mean? They know we fell out on Friday but apart from that I don't think there's much to tell them'. Bear in mind he's been staying there, so it's not like he hasn't had the chance.
Do I tell them that he's using drugs again? On one hand I think they should know, but on the other it may just make me look bitter and spiteful and affect their relationship with me and therefore the DCs. Anyone have any advice? TIA.

Of course you should tell them

Stop protecting this drug addict

You will continue to enable him if you lie (even by omission).

I assume that he lied to them...no reason why you should too.

Done it. Little bit scared of the fallout now but you're right AF. Thanks for the support, it means a lot.

Well done

You did the right thing.

Do his parents know of his history with drugs ?

And what bollocks did he tell them about why he turned up on their doorstep ? I expect he blamed it on you

They know about his past, but I get the feeling they only know the bare minimum. And yes, you can bet he turned up with the old 'she's kicked me out, she's such a cold hearted cow blah blah blah'. What happened to the fun, caring, loving man I fell in love with? Oh wait, he was smothered by all the drugs.

I don't know much about drugs, but I do know you're better off without him. The kind of person who would choose drugs over providing for his young family is not the kind of person you want back in your life. Absolute dealbreaker in my book.

Yes, and he chose them, over you (and his kids)

Remember that.

Mercury I really feel for you as I am going through similar at the moment.

As others have said, it's not just about the actual drugs (what drug, how much, how often) it's the attitude behind the drug taking and the behaviours it generates.

I have been where you are, scrabling around for money, having to borrow money from family and friends just to buy essentials like food and milk for my children because he has spent it on drugs. The constant lies just wore me down to the point where I would no longer even question him because I hadn't a hope in hell of getting anything even resembling the truth from him. Even when confronted with what most people would call undeniable proof/evidence he would just invent even bigger more spectacular lies! Or become aggressive, threaten me and then storm out.

He is undergoing detox/rehab now but theres no going back for me - it's onwards and upwards for me and my DCs And no it's not easy being a single parent but it is easier than living with an addict.

You can do this Mercury

Coolfonz - If you had problems orgasming on MDMA, it might be you. In my experience and from what I have heard from friends, this is not a common complaint among men at all.

I can tell you for sure that MDMA does not hamper orgasms in women. At all.

Hi Luminous, thank you for telling your story. You seem to have a really positive attitude, that's great . your DP/H is in rehab? Did he decide for himself to do it or did you ask him? My (x)DP hasn't even said he's sorry yet, let alone thought about that. I think he's actually quite glad I ended it- now he can go out all night and snort all his money up his nose without getting grief.
Have you/how did you arrange access for your dcs? I'm thinking if I tell anyone I'm worried about leaving him alone with them because of his habit, will social services have to get involved? I want to do it all 'legally' but don't want any negative impact on my children.

Heheh thanks for the advice. But no, MDMA the next day is a cum-stopper...at the time you can do it...the next day, nah...unless you didn't do that much etc...

And sorry to butt in by the way, sad stories.

I don't think I've ever had the energy to do anything next day but watch TV and eat (when appetite returns). Kudos for even trying to orgasm the day after MDMA

Just heard some horror stories (from DP's work colleagues) about a new drug which is doing the rounds (legal like mephardine used to be) called NRG. Apparently the high is 10 times what you get from cocaine, and a terrible and frighetning comedown, with long lasting mental complications possible. Apparently it is worse than crystal meth for the effect it has on people's lives.

Scary. You can buy this quite legally and it is as cheap as chips.

You can't mix kids and drugs.

Hi Mercury, I am quite positive about the future now but that wasn't always the case and I have had some pretty dark days, both with X and after we separated. But things do get better, just be willing to accept help and support from family/friends/MN.

I asked him repeatedly to find help but he was adamant he didn't need it and could stop on his own, his attempts didn't last long (I'm talking hours here) and the only times he went without was when he couldn't get any due to lack of supply.

I had enough of it then and told him, no more, it's over. That is when he contacted drug services and is now on a program. He has been following it and the staff there seem pleased with his progress, he knows to have any kind of meaningful relationship with the DCs he needs to give this up. Unfortunately, he is on a program that replaces the drugs with prescribed medication, so for me, I feel that theres not much change as the addiction has just shifted to another substance, the dependence is still there although he is more stable and money is no longer as much of an issue. I woulkd have preferred from him to reduce what he was taking until he could stop.

I am not sure about the legalities of access and/or SW involvement - there are SW and solicitors who use this site who could advise you or point you in the right direction much better than me.

In my case, I will not currently allow unsupervised access, this is because X is on a programme that involves a lot of controlled medication (methadone, diazepam, zopiclone and anti-depressants) This is a cocktail that is definately not condusive to being responsible for young children. He agrees with this so social services involvement has not been necessary for us.

I am so sorry you are having to go through this Mercury, and just stay strong, it sounds like he is still very much in the me,me,me stages and unfortunately addicts are inherently selfish.

Good luck and

NRG-1 is indeed shite but saying stuff like its 10 times what you get from coke is daft, sorry. Basically it's a drug called Naphylone (sp?) or in fact it could be a mix of all sorts of stuff as no one has really tested it.

Just the usual shit you will get with prohibition. No one knows what the fuck they are taking...NRG-1 is already old news...

I think I need WWIFN
he is still staying at his mothers. He is looking for somewhere to live- potentially a houseshare, how very grown up . he wants us to talk on Monday after he has seen the kids. He still says he has only used drugs around once a fortnight for a few months, and swears there is no OW. he says he never wanted things to end up like this and would like to be able to 'start again, take things slowly'.
He also says:
he hasn't felt 'able to relax' at home for a long time, and that's why he always went out.
He feels like he can't make me happy anymore.
I am/have been too involved with the DCs, to the detriment of our relationship.
Has admitted that most of his freinds (who I have never met) are women.
He's been out countless times until the early hours in the last few months, and mostly won't answer his phone when he's out.

Given all of this, it sounds like he's not only using drugs, but shagging around doesn't it? I'm sorry if this post makes me sound like a total mug. I'm not planning on taking him back, but to discover another whole set of lies would be like a kick in the teeth.
WWIFN, I know you are overstretched right now with all of the horrible, awful, sad threads, but I really need your thoughts on this.
TIA

Oh FFS. Why do I even care? Even writing that out I was wondering why it would make a difference. I guess my anger has started to wear off and when he seemed like he wanted to make things better, I suppose I started to believe some of the bullshit. Someone please give me a reality check...

Hi MS

I had wondered how you were doing

It is no great surprise that you had started softening. I am really, really glad though that you hadn't completely melted.

What will it take for you to see this man as bad news ??

Do I think there are infidelity issues here too ? Yes, probably. Drugs alter perceptions and remove inhibitions, although it doesn't sound like he is too inhibited at doing whatever the fuck he pleases

You have to stop thinking you can fix him, that if you just have some patience he will magically change into a perfect partner.

He won't

He never was

He might be quite a nice bloke, if you don;t stand in the way of what he wants more than anything. More than you, more than his family. he is lying about the extent of his drug use...you know that.

Now start using your head and not your heart.

you ok ?