Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Drugs again. Please someone tell me I'm doing the right thing.

112 replies

MercurySummer · 05/07/2010 21:07

First of all, sorry if this is a bit rambly and not as intelligently written as most MN posts... I wasn't going to post at all as most of his stupid family are probably on here, but then I thought, f@*k it.
Dp and I together over 6 years, have a DS (4) and a DD (12 weeks). He has what you might call an 'addictive personality' and has had a previous problem with cocaine. we broke up over it when DS was small (I was informed of his problem by a 'friend'). Things haven't been right between us for a while, and the old warning signs had returned, so last week when we had had a row I looked at his mobile. I found some fairly incriminating messages. I then checked his bank statements and found MANY occurances of large sums of money being withdrawn for no apparent reason. I confronted him with this, and he tried to explain it away (unconvincingly). After more pressure from me, he finally admitted he's been using Mephedrone ('not regularly... probably once a fortnight')! Since then he seems to have lost the plot completely, not going to work and basically behaving like a prick. I've kicked him out and he's gone to his mothers. That was 3 days ago and I've heard nothing from him . I'm gutted about it all. He knows how I feel about drugs (never touched them, infact I don't even drink). I'm not even gutted for me (I will get over his betrayal eventually), just for my poor DS and tiny DD who will grow up without their dad around.

So sorry for rambling. Please someone reassure me that I've done the right thing. Was feeling so strong but now... I don't know how I feel.

OP posts:
Original poster
MercurySummer · 05/07/2010 23:27

Thank you everyone for your honesty. I was 100% sure this was the right thing, but I think my anger is starting to wear off a little and the reality of being a single parent is starting to set in. I know in my heart this is the ONLY thing I could have done, but it's still incredibly sad when I think of the man he used to be and how all this has turned him into who he is now.
Crying now

OP posts:
susia · 05/07/2010 23:29

no I'm not and I don't have a partner but I do have an understanding in that I do know that there is a world of difference.

From what I have seen - there are drug addicts (to any drug) who wreck others and their own lives, recreational users, those who are borderline between the two and those who take nothing and never have and sometimes can't see the differences.

I am not saying the OP's partner doesn't have a problem, in which case she should steer well clear - but if it is coke then it sounds like relatively small amounts and it could well be recreational - in which case it could be reparable.

I am going to leave it at that.

BertieBotts · 05/07/2010 23:30

X-posted with you susia.

FWIW I think that any drug use is utterly incompatible with having small children. (Or in fact any children, but small children in particular).

I've taken coke, years ago, and yes it affects everyone differently, but the thing that frightened me out of my mind was the fact that at the time I felt totally in control, like I was making totally rational decisions. I just felt a bit drunk, a bit merry. Even a few days later I thought it was a laugh - it was only looking back a few weeks later in hindsight that I realised that the things I did while on it were insanely dangerous, I was damn lucky I didn't end up getting raped or worse, TBH. Even the less risky things I did were stupid - having unprotected sex with my ex, for example. I'm not really proud of it, but there you go.

It's not just even the effect the drugs can have on a person - it's the fact you're involved in this underworld, there are some seriously dodgy, twisted people around who you don't really want knowing you exist thank you very much, let alone your name and where your children live. God help you if you piss them off - or if they convince themselves you have done.

Then there is the money/addiction side of it - you might be right that it's recreational use now, but that has the potential to turn into an addiction, and the OP's husband has already proved that he will choose drugs over his family, by taking the money that they needed for the week - not spare money, money which was going to feed and clothe his children.

I know this is going to sound hysterical if you know a lot of people who take drugs and appear to be fine, but I am deadly serious. Drugs and children can not mix. Ever.

AnyFucker · 05/07/2010 23:30

so sorry, MS

being a single parent isn't so bad, honestly

rather that than being at the mercy of someone who prefers drugs to the good opinion of his family...

toccatanfudge · 05/07/2010 23:32

you've done the right thing OP.

Even "recreational" use of drugs can create just as many problems as "addiction"

BertieBotts · 05/07/2010 23:34

Mercury, it's only natural to grieve the ending of the relationship, whether it was your choice (and you are right, you had no choice) or not it is still sad. Nobody starts a relationship hoping it will fail - take care of yourself.

Here's the thread I was talking about earlier - it's a really inspiring read

toccatanfudge · 05/07/2010 23:34

oh - and I'm not a single parent of 3 (exH is no longer taking the recreational drugs - scared himself shitless with what happened and stopped - but the damage was done and once he was no longer taking them he turned back into the twat that he was when we first split up 2 1/2yrs ago)
) . Yes it's hard being a single , but you've made the right decisioni

toccatanfudge · 05/07/2010 23:35

I'm NOW a single parent that should read

AnyFucker · 05/07/2010 23:36

BB, good post

Original poster
MercurySummer · 05/07/2010 23:41

Thanks BB, I'll take a look at that thread. And AF- I always thought you were scary, but your words have really helped

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 05/07/2010 23:41

Thanks AF The long one or the 23:34 one?

Unlikelyamazonian · 05/07/2010 23:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
MercurySummer · 05/07/2010 23:55

Unlikely- have I said something to offend you?

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 05/07/2010 23:57

Mercury I don't think that comment was aimed at you. Don't worry about it.

susia · 05/07/2010 23:58

no, I think it is me she is offended with. As I said I didn't want to offend. I am just presenting a different point of view.

Unlikelyamazonian · 06/07/2010 00:00

It's not aimed at anyone other than the piss-takers. Big kisses to Bertie.

BertieBotts · 06/07/2010 00:03

Um.. thanks

toccatanfudge · 06/07/2010 00:05

well my point of view is this.

Most people who take drugs recreationally with be fine.

A small number of people, will have their heads f*cked up by even occasional recreational use of drugs.

Until their heads get f*cked up you don't actually know who is going to be affected and who isn't.

Until you've met someone who was seriously f*cked up in the head by recreational drug use I'll admit it's very hard to believe that it can really happen from once or twice a week partaking of something.

Once it does happen to someone you know.........well it can dramatically change you opinion.

Drugs anywhere near children - no way.

PurpleLostPrincess · 06/07/2010 00:28

You have totally done the right thing Mercury and I wish you all the best. I was a single parent for 2 years before I met my 2nd husband (that's a whole other story!).

Drugs are drugs - whether his use falls in the 'recreational' category or not is totally irrelevant imo - he has already shown that it comes before his family - £700 in two months, that is hurrendous when there are children to feed! I also agree that it's about the world the user is involved with - NONE of this is compatible with children, under any circumstances whatsoever.

I totally agree that you should seek supervised visits until he can show he is clean - it will not do the DC's any good seeing him off his face.

Keep strong Mercury, you HAVE done the right thing and though the road is hard, it's better than living with a loser who will drain you of everything you have including your self respect, your health, your children's respect for you and clearly your money! ((hugs))xx

PurpleLostPrincess · 06/07/2010 00:29

And yes, I've been there.

AnyFucker · 06/07/2010 08:01

UA...hope you are OK

BB...all your posts were fab

Mercury...how you feeling this morning ?

Original poster
MercurySummer · 06/07/2010 09:06

I'm ok thanks AF. Putting my brave face on today and getting myself to the CAB. Still not heard anything from him.
Thank you everyone for your support and honesty. what would we do without mumsnet

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 06/07/2010 12:41

Good luck, love

Please tell me you won't ever relent and take him back...

Nemofish · 06/07/2010 12:52

Hi MercurySummer

I am an ex-drug addict, though not of coke / mephedrone.

He is an arse.

Well done for getting rid.

Don't take him back.

I hope he cleans up his act and manages to put your dc first.

AnyFucker · 06/07/2010 12:56

< hugs both of ya >