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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

To tell or not?

28 replies

FabIsJustPayingAFlyingVisit · 04/07/2010 17:13

I don't really want to ask any RL friends this so have popped back to ask you guys.

My children, mostly the boys (aged 5/9) ask about my family occasionally and I really don't know how to answer. My son asked me today if I was the last person in my family and I just looked at dh as I didn't know what to say. He answered yes.

I was brought up in care, my father didn't want me and my mother abandoned me once she met a new man. She has caused untold problems. upset and distress and I will not have anything to do with her. I really don't want my children to know anything about my childhood but if I lie now, even if for the right reasons, will it cause problems when they are older if they were ever to find out the truth?

OP posts:
Kicky · 04/07/2010 17:21

I would go with the truth because it will always out sooner or later. You can adjust the detail to each childs maturity. I think this will emmotionally be much harder for you than the children. You may be surprised at how resilient and accepting children are.

Original poster
FabIsJustPayingAFlyingVisit · 04/07/2010 17:23

My children are emotional souls though and my daughter especially would brood and worry .

OP posts:
Jenjens · 04/07/2010 17:31

Then you have to tailor it to her. You know her best. But I agree the truth is likely to come out in the end and the last thing you want is them to think you lied to them when it does.

hugs

anothermum92 · 04/07/2010 17:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

GypsyMoth · 04/07/2010 17:43

the truth imo,works best long run too

have you left MN then?

LadyLapsang · 04/07/2010 17:58

I would tell the truth but adapt it to their level of understanding and to minimise any potential worry.

Lots of children will come across looked after children, children who have been adopted or children that are not being brought up by their birth parents (illness, death, prison etc.) and I think our society is much more open and accepting of difference today.

If you try to hide it they will be likely to find out one day. What will you do when they do their family tree at school?

HecateQueenOfWitches · 04/07/2010 18:09

tell them that they are your family? That not everybody has an extended family for various reasons?

Original poster
FabIsJustPayingAFlyingVisit · 04/07/2010 18:17

They are just so young.

TBB - yes, but a question was asked today and I need advice from people who are not close to me so it is just as my username says.

OP posts:
NormaStanleyFletcher · 04/07/2010 18:30

Fab, great to see you.

I would tell as close to the truth as you think they can understand / accept / process.

Could you say that your mum and dad couldn't look after you (skimming over detail) so some other people looked after you. But reassure them that you can look after them, love them, and will always be there for them.

nickschick · 04/07/2010 18:38

Fab my childhood was crappy Ive told my dc as much as they were able to understand over the years-It started with mummy has no family just us,then mummies mummy died when mummy was a girl (she did) and now at 16 and 14 the eldest 2 know what abuse I suffered.

I used to tell my dc that they were all the family and needed and 1 person is strong but 4 people are stronger (me dh and 2 dc)and together we could do anything.

fuck it ......im (((hugging you)) .

Original poster
FabIsJustPayingAFlyingVisit · 04/07/2010 18:42

Soon my foster mum is visiting us. She looked after me from 4-7 until my mother wanted me back and then changed her mind the next day . They met her last year but they only know she looked after me when I was small, if that.

I just feel really vulnerable when they ask questions. I am trying to protect them and me.

OP posts:
nickschick · 04/07/2010 18:43

its very hard i know.

tell them just what you and they can manage.

overmydeadbody · 04/07/2010 18:47

Keep it really simple and tailored to their emotional souls, but tell them, children are more resiliant than you think.

Adopted children get told about their birth parents don't they? And sometimes the reason they where taken into care and adopted is horrific.

I always thought I wouldn't tell DS about his father, because he was such a horrible man who abused us both emotionally and physically, but in the end when he asked, aged 5, I just told him bare minimum, and twice in the two years since I told him he has asked for a little more information, but on the whole has seemed to handle it well. I went down thw route of "some people just don't know how to be kind or nice to other people".

I thi9k, in the long run it was better to tell DS than to just tell him he didn't have a father.

Original poster
FabIsJustPayingAFlyingVisit · 04/07/2010 18:48

Usually the other kids are there so would there be any point tailoring it for suitable for a 5 year old when it is the 9 year old who has asked and the younger one is barely listening? Plenty of times I have thought they weren't listening and it comes out later they were.

OP posts:
nickschick · 04/07/2010 18:52

Can you not say something along the lines of 'it wasnt very happy for mummy when she was little thats why I dont say very much about it but as long as we are all happy now thats ok'

Kicky · 04/07/2010 18:55

Give the simple version to them both and add details for the older children later. Not easy I know.

ReasonableDoubt · 04/07/2010 18:57

I agree with most. The truth is always best. You don't have to go into detail.

Original poster
FabIsJustPayingAFlyingVisit · 04/07/2010 19:04

Part of me wonders why they ever have to know at all tbh.

OP posts:
PrettyFeckinVacant · 04/07/2010 19:18

Because it is part of you and your history

They just want to know about your childhood. The same way that you probably wondered about your parents childhood.

I really dont understand not telling them the truth. They will take on board what they want to now and will come back and ask more questions when they are ready. Obviously tailor it and skim over things that may be too hard to say and hear.

I think they would be very upset to find out things later in life that you could tell them now.

Original poster
FabIsJustPayingAFlyingVisit · 04/07/2010 19:24

I don't want to tell them as it was so awful and so far away from their experiences. I don't want them to worry about me.

I have never wondered about my parents childhoods. Never came into my mind at all.

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PrettyFeckinVacant · 04/07/2010 19:29

I just think that if they have a small insight into your childhood it may help them understand you and they will admire you, I am sure.

I am not saying tell them every detail but surely telling them that you didn't grow up with your Mum and Dad would be a start

Original poster
FabIsJustPayingAFlyingVisit · 04/07/2010 19:32

I just feel I can't do it .

OP posts:
LadyLapsang · 04/07/2010 19:49

Sure there is someone who can support you through this, perhaps from an agency that works with children in care or a counsellor.

You don't have to do anything now, get support and do it when you feel ready.

MuthaHubbard · 04/07/2010 20:11

can you say something along the lines of 'fabs mummy and daddy couldn't/didn't know how to look after me properly so I was cared for by someone who could'?

Original poster
FabIsJustPayingAFlyingVisit · 04/07/2010 20:15

DD once asked me if my mother was dead and I was so I just said I don't know. I did think about saying yes as she will never know her but I didn't. I doubt I will even know when she does die.

OP posts: