To tell or not?

[FabIsJustPayingAFlyingVisit]

I don't really want to ask any RL friends this so have popped back to ask you guys.

My children, mostly the boys (aged 5/9) ask about my family occasionally and I really don't know how to answer. My son asked me today if I was the last person in my family and I just looked at dh as I didn't know what to say. He answered yes.

I was brought up in care, my father didn't want me and my mother abandoned me once she met a new man. She has caused untold problems. upset and distress and I will not have anything to do with her. I really don't want my children to know anything about my childhood but if I lie now, even if for the right reasons, will it cause problems when they are older if they were ever to find out the truth?

I don't know if this is of any use to you, but my grandad who's 92 only just told me (not even my mum knew) that he was abandoned as a child by his unmarried mother and brought up by a grandmother. He was lied to as a child and told his real mother was just an aunt.

He'd obviously been carrying round a whole lot of shame/pain for all those years.

I was so glad he told me, and it must have been a burden lessened for him. The fact that I was not shocked, or pitying, just interested and sympathetic probably helped.

Of course that was in the 1920's - and I am much older than your kids!

I guess in your situation, I would have thought it hard for you to carry that round with you, not sharing it. I am sure your kids will love you no less, and would only worry about you if they saw you upset and anxious about it now.

Maybe your foster mother is sensible and wise - can she advise you about all this?

I agree with the others that the aim should be to tell the truth. For your sake as well as theirs. It's just how much and when. And like nickschick says, reassure them that your family is strong and happy.

Weirdly I have never felt it was my fault that my parents didn't want me, other than the fact I am a girl and she was more than wanting a boy.

I suppose there is the shame aspect. Maybe they will think I am rubbish but then they are great kids and I know they love me.

I just think they will ask more questions than I am ready to answer.