I am the OW and I am a mess

[whatthehelldoidonow]

Ok I am going to be as brief as possible but there is quite a back story here and I am sorry for name changing but I post regularly and I'm fairly recognisable and being outed is one additional problem I could do without.

I don't really know why I am posting anyway I I just feel such a mess and I realise I am going to get a tough time - i think that is probably what I need. at the very least I need to get it off my chest.

So ten years ago I fell in love with my boss. He is ten years older than me and when we met had a young family. The connection between us was very strong and for months I tried to kid myself we were just friends. We weren't. I know there is no justification for my behaviour so I wont try.

We had a 'relationship' for 18mths. I tried to stop it on several occassions but was never strong enough - no contact only ever lasted a couple of weeks. Eventually I left my job and moved to another town ceasing all contact. I got married had a baby and life was good.

After a couple of years without contact we met at an industry event and I am not proud to say we slept together, thereafter we had sporadic contact as "friends" although the reality is it wa very much an emotional affair. During this time I had a DC, left my husband who had cheated on me (good old karma biting me on the arse!) and my DC died.

I returned to work at the end of last year and inevitably bumped into him (although we are now in different companies) All the old feelings were there and whilst we once again tried to do the "just friends" thing our relationship resumed. He has been enormously supportive and has made me happy - at least in the short term. In the long term I feel crap: I am disgusted at my behaviour and know I am going to get hurt and end up miserable (lets face it I already am).

So now here I am in a mess from which I don't seem to be strong enough to remove myself.

I know I need to walk away but I love him (it sounds so pathetic doesn't it?!) I literally can't think straight. the rest of my life is suffering and yet I feel utterly miserable about the prospect of not having him in my life.

What do I do????

You said it yourself. You need to walk away. This man does not love you, and you sound like you're in a vulnerable place. Really, cease all contact. He is not your friend.

Run far, run fast. He is bad news.

Bucket of cold water over here, please.

Now listen up and listen good. "I love him" is no excuse. Got that? Get yourself some counselling and get yourself a bloke of your own, or learn how to live without one because frankly a rabbit is more faithful - you always know it'll be in the drawer you left it.

Very sorry to hear about your poor DC dying though

Somewhere there is a someone for you, who is free to commit to you, and bring you happiness in your future.

You need to get away from this man, do your grieving and move on.

Can you do something drastic, like go and work abroad, take a year's sabbatical and travel, or take a new and challenging job in a faraway town?

I am sorry for the loss of your child. Nothing you have done means you deserved that.

I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your child

I've got no advice but you need to cease contact with this man.

I am so so sorry for the loss of your child.

I think you already know what you need to do. This man is not available. He is someones husband and someones father, do no play part in destroying so many lives because its guaranteed that this inevitably will - theres nothing else that can come of it.

Please cease all contact. Try and think of his wife and children he is a complete dick.

i am so sorry for the loss of your baby - but darling - this man is taking you for a right charlie - he knows you are vulnerable and is using you basically for a leg-over, just thank your lucky stars you are not his wife, fancy being married to such a shit!

I know 'i love him' is no excuse - I suppose I am just trying to explain that I really do feel strongly about him and I do believe he does me, that there is more to this than just sex. I know that doesn't make it ok.

Thanks to those of you who mentioned my dd. I thought long and hard about mentioning her but I guess my feeling of loss is significant in this mess: It hurts so much and he numbs that to a degree.

No matter the physical distance between us we always seem to end up 'together'. It just feels so difficult

What does he have to say about it all? Have you discussed the possibility of his leaving his wife/family? Though after 10 years, I'm assuming he would have done so by now if he had any intention of it. It does sound as though he's using you, and taking advantage of your vulnerability, tbh.

I am going against the popular opinion but I believe from this snippet of info that this man has a huge connection to you. I think you are not just a leg over - I think he cares. If he'd not have been married... well life would have been a different story...

You should keep away from him. You know that. You can function without him. But you 2 keep pulling yourselves together. Is it a subconcious thing????? And not just by you????

Try to be strong for you. Put you first.

I know exactly how you feel I too lost my dd, fell in love with another man, both of us were married at the time but unhappy in our relationships. I knew he was unhappy as his children even condoned his affair they were not happy with the way that his wife treated him. In the end he left to be with me and we have two beautiful dd and have been together 7yrs and will celebrate our first wedding anniversary this month. Neither is proud of the way our relationship started but we are happy together and all our children are happy they say that we set a good example to them of the way a relationship should be. If you want to talk I'm here if it helps as you could have been me a few years ago. Nothing is always as cut and dried as it seems and until you have walked miles in someone elses shoes you shouldnt judge them

So from what you say, you cheated on your H with this man and your H then cheated on you?

And all this time, this man's poor wife and family have had to suffer sporadic bursts of infidelity when ever he's bumped into you? I imagine you're not the only woman he's been unfaithful with, I'm afraid.

Look, you know you can manage without him. You've done so in the past. He's an addiction you've weaned yourself off before, so you can do it again.

You have suffered the worst fate in the world, the loss of a child and I cannot imagine your grief and your loss. I am so sorry.

But long before that happened, you were behaving terribly - invading another woman's marriage and cheating on your own. He might seem like a crutch when you're suffering, but it is no excuse. You've always done this.

If your connection was that strong, he would leave his marriage and be with you. Plenty of men and women do. You can make all the excuses in the world why he hasn't, but he doesn't see the need to, because every few years, you'll both deliberately attend the same events and claim it was a coincidence bumping into one another - and you will have sex.

Yes, he might care for you and feel sorrow for your loss, but don't think for one minute that he is an altruistic soul who has your best interests at heart. A kind man would have reasoned that a new affair would be the very worst thing for you at the moment when you are struggling with grief.

He doesn't love you as much as he loves his wife.

Oh god I couldn't bear it if I've been taken for a fool. This is all such a crap cliche I know, not that it is not well deserved.

Very early on he told me he wouldn't leave his wife. I hadn't raised the issue but he felt he needed to be clear. At that point I said I wouldn't want/ask him to. Since then it has not been discussed other than h has told me that he loves me very much and wishes he had met me before he married.

He told me he was devestated when I left and how pleased he is that I am back in his life. Apart from the obvious I feel he treats me well. We talk, go for dinner, have fun, he confides in me (not about his marriage we don't at my request discuss that)

I tried so hard last time to stay away and was pleased that I had although I thought about him often. This time events have just overtaken me. That is not an excuse, more an attempt at explanation. I wish I was stronger but I don't know how to be.

What do YOU think is the right thing to do?

I'm not asking what you feel, or what you believe you are strong enough to do. But just in your own personal belief system, what do you think is the right next step? What would your advice be to me, if I were in love with a married man?

what do you want?

Don't have to say here.... But think about what YOU want. If you want him in your life then it's with limits and will you ever be fully happy with the guilt and unable to settle down again? He's been honest - he won't leave his family, he'd have to be shoved out.

Don't rush yourself... You need to work through things. You've been to hell and back losing your DC. Nothing can hurt like that again. But don't focus on him as a way to feel emotion...to feel alive. You have to find what you want...

I think it will come clear to you... But you need to get some calmness in your head to see clearly. Either way it will hurt but you've been utterly crushed and you are still here.

I am so sorry that you lost your DD . If this man has been a source of comfort for you through such a devastating experience I can see why you are finding it so hard to cut him out of your life.

But wouldn't you rather have a chance at rebuilding your life with someone who was free to commit to you and make you their number one priority? Unless this man is going to leave his wife then you really must walk away. The short term comfort you find in being with him will not prevent you ultimately ending up unhappy and alone.

I would say you need to have a really serious heart to heart with him about whether you have any real future together as I agree with some of the others here, there is an emotional connection between you and it's not just about the sex. But he can't have a wife and a girlfriend - he has to choose. If you give him an ultimatum you will know for sure and then you can walk away if needs be and find someone else.

Events haven't "overtaken you" - you've just done what you've always done with this man. You made active choices to be with him. You are not a passive victim, albeit at the moment you are hugely vulnerable, but if you'd got involved with this man for the first time after your bereavement, I would see more of a link between the two events.

He wasn't devastated before - if he was that traumatised, he would have come for you. If he'd met you before his wife, he would have been unfaithful to you too (probably with his wife, actually).

There has been no seeking you out either. He only emerges from the shadows when you are on tap, in a place with bedrooms and when he has got a night pass from home.

I am not diminishing that he has got feelings for you, but they are not as strong as yours are for him. He has never pretended this was going to change his life and telling you he loves you and wishes he had met you is easy, just like turning up at an industry event was easy.

The difficult stuff is being honest with his wife and family - or honest with you. When has he ever done that?

Honesty is at the core of this posting. Or rather the distinct lack of it.

Please be honest with yourself and see this for what it is. He is deceitful and dishonest with all the women in his life. You're not the 'special one'.

You have to learn to love yourself and enjoy your own company. Please don't rely on others to make you feel special. You've managed to pick yourself up before. You have that strength. Use it to your advantage. Good luck.

in no way am i judging you, but he really does sound an absolute charmer

he wants his cake and eat it - he has wifey at home, looking after his kids, washing his skiddy pants, cooking his dinner and then he has you to swan about with, have a laugh with and obviously have sex with - have you ever considered what wifey is doing while he is with you? imagine she has an inkling of whats going on and is terrifed of losing her home, husband and security - he is a shit of the highest order, he purports to love this wife and treats her like this, lies, disrepect and quite willing to hurt with his sordid little affairs.

you reckon he would treat you any better?

You have agreed to be the other woman and have agreed that he will never leave his wife. He possibly loves you both but he's the only person benefiting from this. Possibly he has more than one other woman. How would that make you feel?

i am willing to bet that you are a very nice woman, you (and his wife) deserve a damn sight better than this. there is someone out there for you, someone who will treat you with real love, kindness and respect - you won't find him while you are tied up with this git though.

I too am so sorry for the loss of your dd

I don't doubt for a minute that you love him and, I would even say he probably has feelings for you. You say you feel utterly miserable at the thought of him not in your life.

Do you feel more miserable at that prospect or the one of continuing to be his OW forever ? Never having the chance to meet someone else and have a "proper" full relationship with them, maybe have more dc's ? Possibly risk his wife and dc's finding out and the guilt and devastation that would cause ?

Its obvious there is a connection but you really have to cut him out of your life completely, for everyone's sake