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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I am the OW and I am a mess

114 replies

whatthehelldoidonow · 01/07/2010 14:36

Ok I am going to be as brief as possible but there is quite a back story here and I am sorry for name changing but I post regularly and I'm fairly recognisable and being outed is one additional problem I could do without.

I don't really know why I am posting anyway I I just feel such a mess and I realise I am going to get a tough time - i think that is probably what I need. at the very least I need to get it off my chest.

So ten years ago I fell in love with my boss. He is ten years older than me and when we met had a young family. The connection between us was very strong and for months I tried to kid myself we were just friends. We weren't. I know there is no justification for my behaviour so I wont try.

We had a 'relationship' for 18mths. I tried to stop it on several occassions but was never strong enough - no contact only ever lasted a couple of weeks. Eventually I left my job and moved to another town ceasing all contact. I got married had a baby and life was good.

After a couple of years without contact we met at an industry event and I am not proud to say we slept together, thereafter we had sporadic contact as "friends" although the reality is it wa very much an emotional affair. During this time I had a DC, left my husband who had cheated on me (good old karma biting me on the arse!) and my DC died.

I returned to work at the end of last year and inevitably bumped into him (although we are now in different companies) All the old feelings were there and whilst we once again tried to do the "just friends" thing our relationship resumed. He has been enormously supportive and has made me happy - at least in the short term. In the long term I feel crap: I am disgusted at my behaviour and know I am going to get hurt and end up miserable (lets face it I already am).

So now here I am in a mess from which I don't seem to be strong enough to remove myself.

I know I need to walk away but I love him (it sounds so pathetic doesn't it?!) I literally can't think straight. the rest of my life is suffering and yet I feel utterly miserable about the prospect of not having him in my life.

What do I do????

OP posts:

ZZZenAgain · 01/07/2010 17:29

"I am disgusted at my behaviour and know I am going to get hurt and end up miserable (lets face it I already am)."

And here is also your answer.

Get out, get away and develop an iron resolve. This is going to crash badly at some stage and everything is going to well up out of you and it is going to hurt like hell. It isn't ever going to be good and no good thing (relationship) is going to come your way while you're tied up with him.

ChocolatePants · 01/07/2010 17:36

Agree with whenwillI, again, she is bloody good at this sort of stuff (I was Jem?)

Original poster

whatthehelldoidonow · 01/07/2010 19:17

cymrumam thank you. TBH I am suprised I haven't been judged far more harshly.

whenwillifeel I take on board everything you say. You are right I have behaved dreadfully. I don't doubt he loves his wife. After all I loved my DH all the while I was I was in love with OM (even before I slept with him after the event). OM did try and contact me a number (15+ I would guess)of times over a period of several months after I left: he left numerous phone messages and sent emails to which I didn't respond. When our EA resumed he told me he hadn't come after me cos I had never given any indication I would be receptive to that.

duelling I would be gutted if there was another OM. I am pretty sure there isn't, but of course how could I know?

instructionstothedouble of course you are right no one is saying anything that I didn't expect. In fact most people are being far kinder than I had anticipated.

I guess my request for advice was this: I know I have to make the break. I know it is better to be miserable in the short term so I have a chance to be happy in the long term but how do I do it? How do I make the break and make it permenant? Because I think about him all the time and he calls all the time and it is sooooo difficult not to pick up the phone or answer the text...

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 01/07/2010 19:30

if you seriously want an answer to your last sentence, that bit is totally easy

don't reply

you have done it before, you can do it again

you are finding too many reasons to stay in contact with him though, and deluding yourself you are special to him

"special" you might be...you have certainly made yourself very convenient, but I would wager a lot of money you are just one of several

harsh, yes

you are going to have to be very harsh with yourself if you truly want to change your life for the better

Tillyscoutsmum · 01/07/2010 19:32

You have to tell him that he is making you miserable and, even though it will be hard, you need him to stop making contact with you. If he loves or respects you at all, then he will be able to do it.

Change your number, your email, start "filling" your life as much as possible and move on. I know its not as easy as I'm making it sound (I too have been an OW) but cold turkey is the only way

celticfairy101 · 01/07/2010 19:46

Hello instruction,

I like the question you ask

'Is it ideal enough for you?'

Enough is the key. No one with a foot in reality seeks perfection but heavens whatthe, I think you are worth more than the crumbs you currently get from the table.

londonartemis · 01/07/2010 20:31

Frankly, I think you need a few answers from him before you do anything final. I think you need to find out from him what he thinks and whether he will ever make you his permanent partner. I tend to think you have a deep emotional connection with this man AND him with you, but you need to find out whether there is going to be any permanence there because I think otherwise you are going to be terribly hurt and resent spending years of your life obsessed by him.
I don't doubt you have been badly hurt and are emotionally vulnerable after all that you've been through. I think there is more than one fish in the sea for people, but you need to find out before you move on as to whether this one is going to commit fulltime to you.

Maisiethemorningsidecat · 01/07/2010 20:40

It seems from reading your post that you are both deeply connected, and I feel very sorry for all of you. None of us here can really know what's going on, only you two know where this is going. After that length of time however, and now that you are single, you have every right to demand to know where your relationship is going. If it's just an affair then you have to ask yourself if you'd be happy with that, knowing that you are deceiving many people and knowing that you'll always be the OW. If you both want to be together, then he needs to show that commitment to you - but be prepared for a huge fall out.

I really hope that you find some peace with this, and I'm so sorry for your loss

Anniegetyourgun · 01/07/2010 20:58

I don't usually attack other posters directly, but those of you who keep referring to this "deep connection" bullshit are making me quite cross Gives the whole thing a lot more glamour than it deserves. As long as the OP can continue to kid herself it's more than a sleazy leg-over it will be much much harder for her to do the right thing. The right thing is NOT crying herself to sleep over someone else's husband, who may I remind you does not want to be with her. It's easy to fake a deep connection when you only meet in person once in a blue moon for the purposes of a leg over. The whole point is to let go of the illusion, open eyes to real world and start living for herself and, hopefully, someone who cares enough to share his life instead of the occasional hotel bed.

Think my sentences were too long again but hope you get what I'm on about here.

Maisiethemorningsidecat · 01/07/2010 21:09

Love affairs can and do happen, and not every affair is simply a leg over. I tend to think that this is not one of these sex only affairs, which in itself makes it harder for everyone concerned and certainly not "glamorous" as you suggest. Now, whether or not he's prepared to do something about it is another matter, but whatever happens, someone will be very hurt.

secunda · 01/07/2010 21:16

You can definitely definitely do better. Try focussing on everything he isn't giving you rather than everything he is. The former column will be longer. He would leave his wife if he wanted to be with you. I reckon he does care about you - men are pretty unable to fake emotional involvement - but you need more. Wouldn't you like to be number one for a change, and have a chance at more DC?

iwastheOWtoo · 01/07/2010 21:16

whatthehelldoidonow

Firstly sorry to hear about your dd. I have changed name to reply to you and give you my story as I totally empathise with your situation.

I had a brief but very intense affair with my boss some years ago. I was head over heels in love with him and part of me still does love him (absolutely crazy I know). He did most of the chasing but I did encourage him as my own partner at the time was a violent bully and the affair was a release for me and the thought of a "normal" relationship was really what I wanted.

I thought that if my partner was going to beat me he might as well have an excuse for doing so. Long story short, is that he did find out as did the wife of my boss. My boss chose to be with his wife and not me.

After this I was on my own, isolated from friends (violent partner had limited my time wiht friends so I ended up losing most if not all, of them)and very very down.
I will not lie to you, it was horrendous, I already had very low self esteem and looking back was depressed and isolated. I would estimate that it was 12 months before I began to look forward.

Fast forward, I met my dh, we have 3 beautiful children and I count my blessings every day.
Please do not waste your life on this man, you are missing meeting someone else. Someone who loves you and will do anything for you.
Take care
xx

AnyFucker · 01/07/2010 21:19

I totally agree with annie

I often do

OP is deluding herself that this is some sort of romantic fairytale

Except really it's a fucking nightmare

She could extricate herself...if she really wanted to

No-one has a gun to her head

LittleBudaOnLine · 01/07/2010 21:23

How do you leave ??

Go and see a counsellor.

Serioulsy, it would be a much better help than coming on MN and asking for advice when we know so little of how you feel, what you want, how much grief is still there. You might also really need to rediscover what YOU really want too.

At the end of the day, you will proably do exactely what you have been advised to do : stop contact, don't answer emails blablabla. But you need to be in the right place to do so in the first place and you obviously and understanbly aren't.

Good luck

jesuswhatnext · 01/07/2010 21:29

i have a feeling that his wife might also claim to have 'deep connection' with him.

if he was my husband the only connection he would get from me is my toe up backside as leaves the front door!

FakePlasticTrees · 01/07/2010 21:36

OP - if he loved you he would be leaving his wife, or at least be discussing leaving when his DC's reach a certain point (post GCSEs/post A levels etc)

He might well care a great deal for you. You might be very important to him. But you'll never be fully loved by this man.

You have to decide if you're happy to take the scraps of his affection until he gets bored of you, or go find someone who will love you.

Oh, and don't kid yourself you can be 'just good friends' with this man. If you were his friend you wouldn't be giving him the opportunity to distroy his home. You are enabling him to a bad husband and father, real friends don't do that. You have never been a friend to him and you never will be.

HeywoodJablome · 01/07/2010 21:36

Am sorry about your DC.

Seriously, if he loved you he would have ended his marriage years ago.

Maisiethemorningsidecat · 01/07/2010 21:40

Give him an ultimatum - if he loves you, then he'll find a way to leave his wife. Do you know anything about their relationship?

AnyFucker · 01/07/2010 21:45

I hope she doesn't maisie

Because that would be a proper kick in the teeth for the wife, wouldn't it...

Maisiethemorningsidecat · 01/07/2010 21:54

It depends on what the marriage is like, doesn't it? Which is why I asked the question...

AnyFucker · 01/07/2010 22:02

does it maisie ?

I am not sure what business it is of the OP's what her MM's marriage is "like"

He will not commit to her, there is a very good reason for that (ie. he just doesn't want to), so speculating about the state of his marriage is really rather poor form, tbh

ninah · 01/07/2010 22:08

I think you have both behaved shabbily and it is time to stop

Maisiethemorningsidecat · 01/07/2010 22:11

Yes it does matter. If the marriage is a very unhappy one for both of them, then it may be that this affair is simply the thing that finally ends it - we don't know that he doesn't want to commit, because we don't know what's really going on. If it's a happy marriage as far as the wife is concerned, and the affair for him is purely sexual, or he has no intention of ever leaving, then the OP should run for the hills.

Hodie · 01/07/2010 22:11

You need to get it all off your chest. Therapy is a good idea, but it won't fix you overnight.

I was the other woman too. Utterly horrible experience for a year or so. I am now up the duff and he has buggered off. I expect, back to his lady friend. Knickers too him.

These particular men don't love anyone. You are delusional, as I was.

AnyFucker · 01/07/2010 22:14

he has had chances to leave his wife for her

he chose not to, repeatedly

the time to speculate about his marriage is past

she should run for the hills now

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