I am the OW and I am a mess

[whatthehelldoidonow]

Ok I am going to be as brief as possible but there is quite a back story here and I am sorry for name changing but I post regularly and I'm fairly recognisable and being outed is one additional problem I could do without.

I don't really know why I am posting anyway I I just feel such a mess and I realise I am going to get a tough time - i think that is probably what I need. at the very least I need to get it off my chest.

So ten years ago I fell in love with my boss. He is ten years older than me and when we met had a young family. The connection between us was very strong and for months I tried to kid myself we were just friends. We weren't. I know there is no justification for my behaviour so I wont try.

We had a 'relationship' for 18mths. I tried to stop it on several occassions but was never strong enough - no contact only ever lasted a couple of weeks. Eventually I left my job and moved to another town ceasing all contact. I got married had a baby and life was good.

After a couple of years without contact we met at an industry event and I am not proud to say we slept together, thereafter we had sporadic contact as "friends" although the reality is it wa very much an emotional affair. During this time I had a DC, left my husband who had cheated on me (good old karma biting me on the arse!) and my DC died.

I returned to work at the end of last year and inevitably bumped into him (although we are now in different companies) All the old feelings were there and whilst we once again tried to do the "just friends" thing our relationship resumed. He has been enormously supportive and has made me happy - at least in the short term. In the long term I feel crap: I am disgusted at my behaviour and know I am going to get hurt and end up miserable (lets face it I already am).

So now here I am in a mess from which I don't seem to be strong enough to remove myself.

I know I need to walk away but I love him (it sounds so pathetic doesn't it?!) I literally can't think straight. the rest of my life is suffering and yet I feel utterly miserable about the prospect of not having him in my life.

What do I do????

grace if I am being honest with myself I really don't believe I am just getting the "leftovers".

He rings me every morning and he texts me every night. He tells me he loves me and thinks about me all the time...that he wishes he could see me more and that I get all the time he has. We chat throughout the day - sometimes just mundane stuff or if he has read/seen something that he thinks will interest me he will forward me a link or phone to laugh about it....He'll buy me a book "because I saw it and knew you'd love it"...or he'll put off work so we can go to the seaside (no bedrooms involved) or out to lunch. He remembers things about me that even I have forgotten! Jesus he visits when I am sick just to check I am ok.

I posted to get some sound advice - MN is great for that and I know I have to accept the response that have been an idiot and a fool. I feel even sadder now .

Anyway, wheels are in motion for the move. it will be a good start. I am seeing him tonight. I will tell him that I am leaving and how much he has hurt me.

Grace that should have said I didn't believe I was getting the leftovers. I do now accept entirely that I have not been able to see this situation for what it it is.

That feels shit. I feel shit. I have been kidding myself that I am "different" from all the other mugs out there...that our relationship was "different" and justifying myself on the basis that this has been some huge love affair and it is not and he is not a very nice person. Clearly neither am I. I feel like I've been wrung out.

Some men love their wives more (despite lying to them constantly, which seems a pretty odd sort of love to me)

Some men love their mistresses more, regardless of whether they leave or not

Some men love themselves more than anything, and therefore do whatever suits them best (i.e. whichever costs them the least). This is most men, imo.

OP, it sounds to me like he does care about you. If he does, then someone else will too. This relationship - snatched bits of time and text messages - isn't enough to build your life around, even if it is based on real feeling.

How did it go last night WTHDIDN?

I don't doubt that he loves you very much. I have been in a similar sounding relationship. We both loved each other tremendously, but he loved his wife more and was always clear that he wouldn't leave.

We tried splitting up lots of times and ended up back together... he helped me through a massive nervous breakdown... we were/are magnets to each other. We broke up because he knew I wanted to have children one day and didn't want to be the reason I didn't have any, and because I needed to be someone's number one and knew it would never happen with him.

I now have a job in another country and am finally getting over it. Ending a relationship on good terms is so hard, and my heart was broken for a good two years, and still is in a way... I'm only just thinking about trying out the dating scene again and am terrified at the thought... (not to mention how weird it will be to have a date with someone in public after so long). We still sometimes lapse after a few drinks and text or ring, but these moments get further and further apart and are now several months apart. I have so much more idea of my self worth now and what I want from a partner and am sure it was the right move - but if I hadn't left the country I'm pretty sure we'd still be to-ing and fro-ing together.

It sounds like you need to be someone's number one - convince yourself you deserve that and it will give you the strength to go it alone.

Good luck xxx

Meant to say above... with some men it's not about who they love more... they may love their mistresses more, but their wife is the person they chose as their life partner, and that runs a lot deeper than just love.

maisie thanks for asking: It was really really hard.

I told him how much this was damaging me and that I could no longer have any contact it was very very emotional (he was seemingly genuinely horrified at the pain he'd caused me and very apologetic.)

I didn't ask whether he would leave his wife but he did ask me if that was what I wanted. He told me he didn't know what to do (he felt torn he loved me very very much but also loved his wife and children etc etc) and I said it didn't matter because I was making the decision for him.

He has made numerous attempts to contact me since and I have not spoken to him. He turned up on my doorstep this morning (I live quite a distance from him so this was a big shock) but I unexpectedly had DC with me and he apologised and left although he has urged me to call him.

My head is a mess.

Keep reminding yourself that if he really loved you, he would let you go. I don't doubt he's in angst and turmoil, but that is not enough. He needs to put you first for once - and not himself.

Force yourself not to contact him and I hope he will respect your decision and not try to override what you have been saying.

If this man really loves you enough, he knows what he has to do. If he cannot or will not do that, he must live with that choice. Only ever go back to him once he has started to be honest with his wife and family about his choices. It is the only way.

if he now understands how much he has hurt you and still cannot care enough to back off and give you the distance you requested, I think it is all about him. I'm sorry.

Good luck with the future and moving onto better and brighter things.

All about him...oh, yes indeedy

How do some men do it ? Keep two (or more...) women dancing to their tune...

Whatthe I understand exactly what you are going through and your head will feel a mess. You know that you need to do this, but it is incredibly hard when you have strong feelings for someone who appears to be so caring and loving about you.

Take a deep breath and please do remind yourself that there is a life out there for you, even if you can't see it/believe it just yet. There are new jobs, friends, places to see and things to do outside of this relationship. In some ways you will always have a connection to him, but you need to explore whether there is something more too, so that you will not get to the end of your life and wonder what else might have been.

It may be that you need to see him once or twice more to tell him this, rather than going cold turkey and cutting yourself off with things unresolved. In some ways he has the role of 'best friend' - the person you are used to talking to, who helps you come to terms with your feelings, who validates who you are and the choices you make. You can tell him that you love him, but you can tell him that it isn't enough. Let him prove that he cares, by letting you go.

The break in Europe is a good chance to get some space, but you will then need to make sure that you have a lot of space after that too and don't keep bumping into each other, until you have your feet very firmly back on emotionally secure ground, either through counselling or through a new relationship.

Take things a day at a time. It will take at least a year to start to get your head and heart back together, but in the meantime, keep busy and keep posting. MN is a fantastically supportive place and will help you forward on this one.

Remember, you are worth more than this. And it can be done.

great post longtallsally.

I must use those wise words for me.

O.M.G I could have written the feelings bit on this. I have just come out of an affair that lasted 15 months.

Said man called me on his way to work, mid morning,after lunch, when he finished the day and spoke to me on the internet every night and text me constantly.

I felt like mine was very different too. He actually told his wife. Said he was leaving her and seemed so happy.Then she fell apart and begged him to stay ,so he is staying put and yes I suppose trying to do the right thing.

We never stop thinking about one another he still texts me , calls me - no physical contact. But I just don't get why he won't leave. And the connection we have I can't imagine ever leaving either of us.

It is so so hard isn't it. I can't see me ever moving on, because I can't understand why he seems to love me so much , can't leave her , but can't move on from me either.

In the meantime I have completly left my husband for this man. I can't ever get it back with him. I am a right mess. And the reason I had the affair was because I was unhappy. My husband had an affair that changed the dynamics of our relationship a few years ago. I did not chase this man either and have never ever done this sort of tthing - and restle with that too.

And you know before all this I looked down my nose and judged people who had affairs, but they are not all black and white, they happen for many reasons and people who have them are not all bad people - including my husband who I forgave.

sorry for posting so much on your thread and I have no advise, I just wanted to let you know your not alone on this .

Love to you xxx

I'm so sorry for the loss of your dd

Haven't read all the other posts but... what you really need is someone who can engage in a proper relationship with you. He has made it clear he will not leave his wife. However strongly you feel about him, you will never be together properly. You need someone who can commit to you. That person is out there, but you won't find him while you're still hung up on this guy, so (I think) it's in your best interests to cut him out of your life.

Good luck OP, I hope you find happiness very soon.