Red flags - warning signs for people to avoid

[Janos]

There was an excellent thread on this fairly recently, which unfortunately I can't find and I think this topic is worth a re-hash! Think it may be Reality who started it.

I was reminded of this and how important it is to trust your instincts with behaviour that makes you feel uncomfortable after going on a date at the weekend. As dates go it was pleasant, but there was no spark.

Anyhow I got an email from 'datee' a day later suggesting I have a look at something I might be interested in. I thought hmm, I'll have a look at that when I have a moment and left it there.

The next time I log into the site (following day) I was really quite shocked to get an unpleasant message. I won't rehash it here but the tone essentially was "how utterly dare you not reply to me?!"

It left me thinking, well I wasn't sure about seeing you again but well done, now I really don't want to see you again EVER you pompous git. Now this is a response I could understand from a friend but not someone I have been on ONE DATE with.

Any contributions welcome here by the way.

How bizarre...clearly one to avoid.

I had a potential date who kept messaging me at all times of the day and then even rang me in the middle of the afternoon. I felt very uncomfortable as he knew I was at work.

I decided not to meet him. Although he was nice on the phone he was so full on it gave me the creeps

I have little red flags for anyone who

1. Obviously cases excluded, blames the relationship break down with their ex squarely on their ex/bitches about their ex. I know for myself while the "absolute end" of my marriage was totally not my fault, the gradual breakdown of the relationship prior to that I had a hand is as well.

1. Any man with children who a) never sees them b) has an ex who "decided to disappear to the other side of the country when we split" c)

1. Any many - similar to what elastamum describes who is full on/possessive/needy (read controlling)

This is a very good article that every single person should put into favourites and keep for reference. I think Anyfucker linked to it originally.

Very interesting reading and I am sure we have all met one of these "losers" in our time.

what an excellent article counting.

I'm actually rather pleased with myself that those are all things I now watch for now I'm starting to date again.

Quite, scurryfunge.

Thanks for posting that countingto10 it is an excellent article.

I think women are too often trained to be too 'nice' about things and forgive/accept/ignore behaviour which makes us feel uncomfortable when we shouldn't.

Men who rant on about what a bitch their ex-wife is, or women who drone on about the impossibility of finding a man who can't commit or isn't gay - WHILE ON A DATE - are both to be avoided, IMHO.

Add to that anyone who has a string of crazy/mad exes.....it usually isn't the exes who are the problem

Oh, and if someone tells you they are not a nice person then listen to them - they're not lying!

Yes Janos - why do they say that?? "I'm not a nice person" in a half joking, half "I am deadly serious and I know you LIKE it" tone.

Any pushing of boundaries - however small. So like if you say no to sex or something that you don't feel comfortable with, they should leave it, not keep niggling away at it.

Signs of low self esteem. Sounds awful, and often you feel like the bad guy for wanting to break it off with someone who is obviously down on themself etc but if their self esteem is that bad, they probably shouldn't be dating. Being in a relationship is not going to magically "fix" everything for them and you're not doing them any favours by encouraging the idea that it will. Either cut it off or encourage them to get help but stay distant.

Men who don't like their mothers or have a really strange relationship with their mothers - are men to be avoided in my book.

I had one BF who was so insulting about his mother, he seemd to hate her, didn't respect her opinions. Not good news and I just felt really uncomfortable about it

oooohhhhhhhh my god, yes - the ones who tell you they are not a good person, quietly, just once, at the very start of the relationship.

Listen then run!

"I do so much for everyone else and no one does anything for me"
"All I want is someone to love and someone to love me back, am I asking too much"
"All the women I date either don't want to know or stalk me"
"my ex's mother bullied me"
"I just want to meet a woman, settle down and be with her all the time. I have no need of friends, everyone lets me down"
"I'd love to have a baby. If I ever split from it's mother then I'd fight for custody and she'd never get to see it"

All from the same man, turn and run ladies!

I will be requiring my daughters to read this exerpt from the memoir, 'All the Wrong Men'.

The author's sister was murdered by her boyfriend.

It's well worth a read.

oooh yes, blokes who tell you that you might end up hating them, they will be correct.

Just read that article countingto10. Quick Attachment and Expression exactly describes how my ex was and how easily he dumped me when all these things he'd planned were about to happen.

loves2walk my ex also had a strange relationship with him mum and only visited her when either me or his dad told him to. It always made me uneasy as (aside from a few moments where she annoyed me) she was actually quite nice.

ooo this is brilliant; that article is scary.

I will warn my daughter against anyone who isn't kind to her or isn't generous.

And definitely warn her off men who have funny relationships with their mothers. In my experience, their relationship with their mother seems to shape the way they interact with all women.

Men who:

• Have exited their relationships via an infidelity route, or have been repeatedly unfaithful in earlier relationships.
• Demonise their exes.
• Make no efforts to see or pay for their children, blaming access issues on their exes.
• Are rude and dismissive to people in service roles, such as waiters.
• Don't seem to have any close friends or strong bonds with anyone.
• Display frequent disproportionate anger.
• Take little or no personal responsibility for anything - it is always someone else's fault.
• Lie rather than being direct and honest with people.

Men who don't like their partners using forums like FB and MN.

Might seem banal, in the favce of other more obvious things, but 2 good friends of mine have recently been told by their husbands that they "aren't allowed" to use forums any more and it just leaves me cold.

Men who:

• Say straight away that they are never appreciated for what they do for other people
• Tell you that ALL their Xs were nightmares and that they've just been unlucky in love
• After three weeks tell you that they are really disappointed that you haven't made more of an effort in the relationship
• Don't ever keep eye contact
• Tell you after a few days they think they could marry you
• After a few weeks give you keys to their house and expect you to pop by, even though they leave an hour away
• Do nice things for you, but only when they know that other people will notice

All the same guy!

People who intrusively 'psychoanalyse' you, particularly as the conclusions are always that you 'don't trust enough/are afraid to open your heart'. Translation: 'You're not a mug. Yet.'
QUADRUPLE that if the person claims to know this by means of their psychic skills. In fact, unless you are equally mental obsessed with woo, run like fuck from anyone who claims to have spoooooky powers. They are either tediously gullible or malevolent.
People who have lots of 'horrible' XPs. People who are over 40 and have had several awful relationships can be let off for this if they also talk about having had nice relationships with people that they don't hate. (Both I and one of my equally, er, mature mates have had three really appalling XPs but we are both in our mid 40s and have had several very nice XPs too).
People who boast about their capacity for violence, whether that's in general or (again another bonus high score) against previous partners who have breached monogamy or ended the relationship.

People with poor personal hygiene. Sorry but this is important. Someone who turns up for a date stinking and wearing clothes with odd stains on them is either depressed to the point of being unable to care for him/herself or is so contemptuous of other people that s/he will not make an effort to conform to the most basic of social norms.

Oh god. I also had the "I let you in, why won't you do the same?" (could be because you are a tosser mate!)
"What's wrong? Have I done something?" (oh piss off you twat, it's not always about you)

I think I'm irredeemable
The only 3 genuinely nice men I had relationships with were more than 30 years ago! Since then I seem to have dedicated my life to arseholes. Every man I've met since learning "the rules" - the real ones mentioned in this thread, not that stupid book - has shown himself to be Not A Good Bet.

I'm also aware that, in the unlikely event I might meet a Decent Bloke, my own history would put him off! For my own sanity (haha), I've invented a new rule: Lousy history may be acceptable if subject has done therapy & appears to have learned from it.

I need to find a dating site for middle-aged reformed nutters: I can just imagine my ad! "Ex co-dependent dreamer with shaky self-esteem, 2 abusive marriages & narcissistic family, seeks non-aggressive male to share gentle support & dance around the kitchen. Must be OK with cats, smoking, dirt and slightly excessive drinking."

Think I'd better keep meself off the market for a while longer ...

FFS Grace! You would have better luck (and more fun) all round if you posted an ad that says 'Dirty old lady seeks fit young toyboy for no-strings hot monkey sex in every room in the house.@

That's how I ended up with ArseholeX#2!!

The sex was good though.

I'm wondering when I should share this with my DD... I wish someone had advised me when I was, say, 14. I might have listened.