Red flags - warning signs for people to avoid

[Janos]

There was an excellent thread on this fairly recently, which unfortunately I can't find and I think this topic is worth a re-hash! Think it may be Reality who started it.

I was reminded of this and how important it is to trust your instincts with behaviour that makes you feel uncomfortable after going on a date at the weekend. As dates go it was pleasant, but there was no spark.

Anyhow I got an email from 'datee' a day later suggesting I have a look at something I might be interested in. I thought hmm, I'll have a look at that when I have a moment and left it there.

The next time I log into the site (following day) I was really quite shocked to get an unpleasant message. I won't rehash it here but the tone essentially was "how utterly dare you not reply to me?!"

It left me thinking, well I wasn't sure about seeing you again but well done, now I really don't want to see you again EVER you pompous git. Now this is a response I could understand from a friend but not someone I have been on ONE DATE with.

Any contributions welcome here by the way.

Oh dear. I'm with Grace here - I have 3 XPs who would all be waving great big red flags - I do have lots of lovely normal friends though. Does that make me one to avoid?

I don't think you can tell anything about a person from their relationship with their mum- my hubby finds his mum a nightmare and doesn't see her much (which I understand after years of experiencing her craziness), and I don't see mine much either. On the flipside, my abusive ex completely doted on his mum, to the point of continually ditching me & his mates to go home and eat tea/ watch a film/ chat with her! And he was one of the nastiest people I've ever met.

Red flags for me:

• Being suspiciously secretive with their mobile phone from the off. Walking round with it in their trouser pockets, hiding the screen etc...

• Moaning about ex's early on. At some point during a relationship all your history comes out to each other, but its unnecessary and inappropriate right at the start.

• You get that uneasy feeling that either they're just not that interested in you, or maybe they're messing about with/ dating other people... your gut instincts are probably right.

Men who:

• Get annoyed when you mention a friend who is a man.
• Become agitated, irritable or non-comprehending when you politely decline their advice on a particular matter, or disagree with an opinion they have ventured, ESPECIALLY if it is advice/opinions to do with you and your life or how you should be living.
• Boast about how bad their temper is and how you 'wouldn't like to see them angry'.
• Have a hatred of the internet and especially social networking sites or sites where contact and sharing happens. Even worse if they become angry with you for not sharing this view and try to prevent/discourage your use of such sites.
• Mention that their previous partner took out a restraining order against them/made a really ludicrous false rape allegation against them (both sadly real statements, from two different exes).
• Have no close friends/the only people they see are related to them.
• Casually reveal that all of their previous partners were much, MUCH younger than them. And all of said previous partners were the ones to leave.
• Are mean with money. If they are like that with a new date, just imagine what it will be like in 6 months when you are begging them for a few pounds to go to the chippy, because they are too tight to take you out.
• Say one thing and do another; For example, saying 'you can do whatever you want!' almost defensively as though you have begged for a key to be let out of your cell, but when you do, in fact, do whatever you want, they become sulky and angry to punish you passive aggressively.
• Are angry when driving or when dealing with people in general. Lose their rag quickly, slamming on the brakes, going too fast especially if arguing with you in the car, as a way to scare you, shouting, swearing, constantly snapping with venom at drivers who have done some minor wrong.

Oh Christ, I could go on but I won't...

I hope people don't judge me for not getting on with my mum............(or dad) and only vaguely talk to my brother...........

expat as an aside, have you read her book "If I am missing or dead"? I found it a really curious one...couldn't warm to the author at all.

That link is great, and tbh is a word for word description of a man my friend has just managed to leave. But she is considering getting back with him as he says he's changed . Vile little fucker of a man. I'm going to send her that link and hope she reads it

Rudeness.

If a man is rude to waiters/taxi drivers/shop assistants then run a mile.

Not so much red flags as red tablecloths flapping all over the place.

"Yes I do have a child, but I don't see her, Me and her mother thought it would be for the best as I have to work away alot and couldn't really be around for her regularly."

and

"I do have a childish sense of humour" said proudly in an aren't I sweet kind of way.

and after me expressing shock at how he spoke to an Asian Taxi Driver.

"Oh shimmery, you know me, I'll always be a little bit racist!" again said in thats just the kind of guy I am kind of way.

So you are a Childish Racist who has not seen your child since she was a baby who speaks down to people who are doing you a service.

I learned all this on the first date.

I take it there wasn't a second?

I did see him again actually as he was a friend from many years ago and I couldn't believe anyone could be that AWFUL.

I thought I must have got it wrong.

On the second date he told me that "you should relax more, I want us to be really close like we used to be, you need to learn to trust again!". He was absolutely text book.

Agree with all the above, the psycho ex and the kids they don't see being the worst offenders.

Anger when driving, yup.

Having no apparent friends and thinking that all their problems are somebody else's fault, yup.

Avoid, avoid, avoid. Even if he seems to think that you alone can fix him - you can't.

Hoo-boy, what a winner.

For the record, among his many not exactly endearing qualities, XH was "a little bit racist" (partially excusable by his upbringing), but he was never impolite to anyone on that basis. He'd often make a few patronising remarks to me afterwards mind you, in the mistaken belief that he was being right-on. Bless.

How are these men all the same!!!!

How have I only just found out?!!

My ex exactly like all of this.I have read
Living with the Dominator with my dd's age 12 and 14 to help them understand why I split up with ex and hopefully to enable them to avoid ever getting involved with one.

I will show dd1 this thread tonight.

MN is fab and you are all ace !!!

Yeah, I should have run a mile when on our first date, XP referred to the Chinese takeaway as a 'chinky'.

liars. if you catch them lying, even, or maybe especially, about silly trivial things run.the.fuck.away.

blokes with crap credit ratings who come up with great plans for stuff you could do together if only you would take out a loan i.e. for a new car for him to drive you round in...

blokes who tell you about their legions of good friends and how well they get on only for these same people to look through them (or run in the opposite direction) when you meet them in the street.

the kind of bloke who (although unemployed himself) thinks that shopping in a SPAR is beneath him and shows total disrespect for the staff by throwing his shopping on the floor in disgust at having to queue for longer than he would like.

blokes who unwittingly let slip the acts of revenge they have carried out on their previous girlfriends (in this case breaking into her house when she was away and creating a flood of boiling water by fiddling with the pipes, thereby destroying the entire house and contents)

a bloke who describes having got a woman pregnant in the past ( by having unprotected sex with her) as her having tricked him into becoming a "meal ticket"

a bloke who drones on about how he could have a high flying job but really he wants to save the world by downsizing and not travelling to work in a car or spending lots of money on comsumer goods while sponging and poncing and cocklodging off his girlfriend who does work.

All the same guy....

I think that you could do no greater service to womankind than to actually have lessons on this kind of stuff in schools...

msboogie - I think we knew the same bloke!

if yours was called Andy then yeah, maybe !

XH was fairly full of all the great things he could have done with his life if only some rotten swine hadn't cheated him out of it. Mind you at least a couple of those were because of his father, and having met his father I was quite prepared to believe it.

Red flag for me if a bloke thinks it's funny or clever to give you an alcoholic drink when you've asked for a non-alcoholic one. Apart from being disrespectful it could be downright dangerous - they don't know you're not, say, on some heart medication that absolutely must not be mixed with drink, do they? I suppose they'd also think it was hilarious if you got arrested on the way home for driving over the limit . Fortunately I have an excellent sense of smell so I wasn't fooled on either occasion (two different blokes, why oh why did I marry the second one?).

Aforementioned sense of smell also informed me he was lying about having given up smoking - oh, and the regular appearance of fresh stubs in the garage, new packs of cigars in the car, cigars on the shopping receipts and occasionally seeing him with one hanging out of his mouth. I was paranoid, of course.

No he IS brian....my first h.

Changed his name too so he could get another mortgage, despite all his ccj's and defaults. Drove too fast, got angry etc, but that was ok as he was an ex met policemen. That made it ok for him to be racist too. And he used to fart...ALL the time, and not care who was there. Thought it was hysterical.

"bring me another, this one has split" was one of his faourite lines. He thought it was funny.

What in God's name was I thinking. I have moved on......a lot.

and his trail of abandoned children. Although reminding myself of his "qualities" I'm rather glad he has nothing to do with my son.

He's still "intimate" with my mother and sisters though.

Bunch of freaks,the lot of 'em.

its funny, having read a few relationship threads on here - it seems policemen, when they are bad, can be among the worst of men to have as a partner!

Can certainly back up Boogie's observation about policemen

Has anybody mentioned telling you about crimes committed in the past? Should be careful about that, as I committed one or two as well - not burglary, vehicle theft or fraud, though (cf: X#2)
Actually, the fraud story came out in his best man's speech at our wedding! He started his verbal abuse that day, too - I SO should have been a runaway bride!!

I would also suggest caution with artistically-inclined (or very work/sport inclined) men if what you are looking for is husband&father material. A person with a consuming passion is often not the best choice for a long-term partner as you will always come second to whatever the passion is. You can have a great fling with someone like this, but if you decide you want to marry him or get PG by him you will end up resenting the fact that he is still putting his dream/career first.

massive red flag - a guy who talks about manhandling his XP as if it's funny .....

seriously

I should have started running then ....

I don't think having a bad relationship with your mother/father necssarily means you are hoaching with issues and therefore to be AVOIDED relationship wise.

We've all seen the toxic parents thread after all.

Similarly having awful exes...it depends what their attitude is.

If it's "well, I've had some really awful relationships in the past"..they've maybe just made some bad choices, as we all have..that's normal. If it's "my exes were all bitches/bastards and everything was their fault" then watch out.

I've thought of another. Men who casually make racist/sexist 'jokes' and then accuse you of being humourless/pc bore/feminazi if you pick them up on it.