It has occurred to me this morning, that since I started losing weight, DH has become increasingly nasty about my weight. Why would he be doing this?

[ShinyAndNew]

I thought at first, maybe it is not that noticeable that I had lost weight. Or maybe that I hadn't in fact lost weight but that my jeans had somehow stretched in the wash and that is why they now fit

However in the last few days, my sister, the woman in the shop and someone at work have commented that I look like I have lost weight. This morning yet another pair of jeans, that had previously been far too tight and uncomfortable to wear, now fit. I know these ones have not stretched in the wash, because they have not been washed since I last had them on. They were too uncomfortable so I took them off after about 15 mins and put them back away.

DH has always commented on my weight, but the last few weeks, since I have been dieting his comments have been getting more frequent and nastier.

For example:

"When we go on Holiday, you should wear a bikini, then when you see how enormous you are in the pictures, you will want to diet"

"I don't what you are eating in the day, but it must be a lot for you to be that size. You cannot possibly just be eating what you say you are. I bet all you do is sit at the PC and eat and smoke"

"Kids, who do think is bigger? It's your mum isn't it? She loads bigger than me isn't she? Look how fat she is getting" - Of course they agreed with him

"I think the wii is lying to you. It is making you think you are smaller than you really are. I think you must weigh about X stone" - 2 stone heavier than the wii puts me at.

Normally he will just try and sabotage my diet by bringing in biscuits and chocolate and going on and on until I eat them, or going in a mood with me if I won't order take away with him or if chose something less fattening from the takeaway. But this time I haven't told him that I am dieting. I have just made small changes, like smaller portions and more exercise. Mainly during the day when he is working. I haven't told him that I have lost weight or that my clothes are fitting better.

So what's with this new tactic? I don't get it.

He likes the status quo
the biscuit tactics have stopped working and now he's hoping that he'll bully you enough to make you keep snarfing or make you feel as insecure as he is at the moment

have you asked him what he means by these comments
explain what you have here and ask him what he is playing at

He really hates you doesn't he?

Either that or he's so pissed off that you have voiced dissatisfaction with yourn relationship and scared that he sees you're doing something about it and that your attitude has changed (feeling good about yourself, positive about the future, instead of resigned and shit), that he's trying to pull you back to where he wants you - unhappy and stuck with him.

People are often a bit weird when someone loses weight.

From what you've said he feels threatened and probably realises this is an example of you making changes in your life and another one of those is getting rid of him.

Well done on your weight loss and good luck with getting rid of your idiotic husband.

Seriously - a strategy to win.

Just agree with absolutely everything he says. When he says 'you are fat, you eat nothing but lard' etc etc ad infinitum, what he is trying to provoke is an argument, which he can then twist, which will then make you cry. Don't give him what he wants. If he makes a comment just agree - yes, I can see you are probably right. And then carry on with the weight loss as you are doing it.

To be honest this is very sad as it reduces your relationship to nothing other than a game, however it is the only thing which preserved my sanity. That and sarcasm, and v signs behind his back.

He knows you want to leave but he thinks if he keeps telling you how awful you look you will not have the confidence to do so.

Just leave him.

Hmm, I might just start agreeing with him. That's something I have never done before. Usually I either argue back, walk out or ignore.

What a cock.
If you were already thinking of leaving then this should show to you why, he is trying to bring you down and get you in the 'no other man would want me so I shoudl stay with you and be pathetically grateful' mindset.

FWIW I have lost weight recently and DH has started stalking me round the house with his camera taking pics and showing me how much smaller my legs and bum are' and generally leching over me at any given opportunity and saying how good I look.
I am still massively overweight, but he can see the work I am putting into it so is being supportive. That is normal.
Not trying to score points but showing you normal behaviour over wanker behaviour

Oh Shiny - what a dick! He sounds mega-insecure and threatened and an arse. It is like reading about me and my ex 12 years ago (after 9 years together). He was clingy and patronising and always picking fault with what I did, my friends, my looks, what I watched on Tv, music etc etc etc.
I finally realised how desperately unhappy I was with him and tried to leave but he clung on like a limpet - this just prolonged the break-up for another 8 months or so. We did try councelling but I think it was too late for us and we didn't have children to keep us together (thank goodness). Maybe you could try getting some councelling - Relate are very good and don't charge you too much if you are low income, or ask your doctor ...

I didn't realise how much my ex put me down util I found my DH and realised what being treated properly and with love and respect was like. I wish I'd left years before - my life is SO much better now. But as I say we had no children - good on you for improving yourself - but look after yourself mentally too. This relationship needs something doing to it and only you can say which way to go - but you can't live like this any longer. It will tear you up - and for your children's sakes - you want them to know what a normal, loving, civil relationship is - not one based on malice. They learn very early what is the norm and they are at risk of thinking an abusive relationship is what they expect/deserve when they grow up. [hugs]

are you serious about leaving him?

Oh when I left my miserable no good XP - he cried like a baby and begged me not to go. Not that I was flattered that I was the great love of his life, no. It was just that his whipping boy was leaving.

Shiney I know you probably didn't want to unleash this kind of thread, and flippancy aside, seriously don't put up with this shit. There is no need. You deserve better. Also you really don't want your kids growing up listening to this shit. One day they will start beliebving it, and then you will have both your husband and your kids treating you like dirt. Be careful, and try to make changes so you don't have to put up with this kind of nastiness.

ThreeBlondeBoys, yes I am. His behaviour is getting beyond a joke now. I am bored of his moods, of constantly having to justify where my money is going, of being put down in front of my children all the time, I could go on but I am even bored of talking about what an utter twat he is.

Of course he is not the one in the wrong. I am and everyone knows it. He is superior to me in every way. My friends and family have confirmed this to him

I have no interest in getting counselling with him. It would have helped, had we gone years ago when I first suggested it, but I don't love him any more. I don't even hate him any more. I just feel sorry for him. He is pathetic.

This house was meant to be our fresh start. He promised things would change. I gave him the benefit of the doubt because he has had some horrific things going on his life, these last few years. He was right. Things have changed. He has gotten even less supportive and even more insulting.

I will go on the holiday with him because the dc are looking forward to it. He paid for it so I can't ask him to stay home and I don't trust him enough to allow him to take the dc alone. After that I am saving up a few weeks CTC and leaving.

good for you shiny!

my guess is he's picking up on this....he can feel your mindset has changed. he's maybe pushing you? dont know why,but my ex did exactly this! he knew i was going to leave (i'd been to army welfare,got the leaflets for the hostel,) so he knew i was doing it......so he upped the nastiness too!

why??? he then,once i'd gone,spent ages trying to get me back......i dont understand this

Interesting, the last 6 weeks of living with my xp, is when his behaviour and drinking totally deteriorated.

It's like they sense they've lost you and can allow all the resentments/ insecurities/ madness that they've been hiding, to come to the surface.

oh dear shiny.

I think it has already been said but he doesn't want to lose you - probably not because he loves you because it doesn't sound much like he does, but because he doesn't want to deal with change.

He can't handle you losing weight and looking better because you are taking control of your life - he doesn't want you to do that because he knows it will end with you leaving him. He also doesn't want you doing it because it shows him that you can achieve something he can't - and he doesn't like it.

These are last-ditch desperate ploys to bring you back into line - ignore them. Nod and smile and suggest optician's appointments for him.

I would guess that he is pushing you to a decision that he doesn't want you to make as a "test" - but when you do leave, he will make out that he can't understand why, he never wanted you to leave, why can't things go back to the way they were, he did so much for you, loved you etc. etc - all bullshit. He just likes having someone around to bully so that he can feel better about himself.

Good on you - stay strong and get out as soon as you can.

I'll second that - stay strong. It sounds like you are doing the right thing. It'll be hard but hopefully you will all be happier - and the children will be happier too - they will have picked up on all this stress and be suffering along with you. Good luck.

i couldn't be with someone who obviously didn't like me for you shiny but i would be re-evalutaing that relationship.

I think you maybe onto something about him realising my mindset has changed. My mum told me last weekend that my sister had told her this time I really was leaving him and she agreed that I should. Normally they just humour me when I say I'm leaving and do the smiling and nodding. This time my mum sat me down and had a good talk with me about how I will cope leaving and where I will go.

My mum finally agreed that I would be better off on my own and even though she still feels sorry for him , I can't stay with the way things are and they aren't going to change. Although she still thinks I should just leave temporarily. To 'give him a good shock'

My dad still thinks I should stay. What will people think if I am a single mum of two? I'll never meet anyone else and if I do I will just be confirming what people are thinking. That I am a slapper . But he is an abusive arsehole too.

I agree with posts above, killing him would be a viable option here.

Continue with your healthy eating, go on holidays and look and feel fantastic, come home and kill dump shrek.

oh dear....i had this from my parents too. i should put up and shut up,and what will the neighbours think and how will they be able to tell their friends that their grandchildren come from a broken home!! how shamefull to have a 'single mother' as a daughter!!

well i did it,and deliberately shunned all help from them bar borrowing my dads sander once!!

and god,i feel better for it!

Your Dad sounds like a bit of a prize too, Shiny. Glad your mum is a bit more behind you - but if she has put up with similar her entire life she isn't necessarily going to be 100% behind you so it's good that she is even partially there.

Whenever it gets tough, remember you have the best resource in the world to help you through it - good luck.

what will people think?

people will think, well done shinyandnew for leaving that arsehole and teaching your dcs that they should respect their partners. and if they are anyone worth having in your life they will be helping you out.

those that matter dont mind, and those that mind dont matter.

Poor you. But I am pleased for yoru sake that you realise that you deserve better than this. Agree with others that this last ditch nastiness is hi realisation that you have turned a corner, mentally.

I would say bollocks to going on holiday with him. Why perpetuate the pain?

If your dad is a horrible sod as well, even more power to you for having the strength to stand up to your DH, after being conditioned to put up with shit like this from a young age.

You can do it - you will look back on these miserable times and be completely horrorstruck at the nonsense you used to put up with.

Best of luck.

Good luck Shiny. Do tell us how your new tactic works, it sounds like it could be fun; how astonished he will be when you just agree with him, nicely and calmly.