Does this sound weird to anyone?

[harrysharbour]

I Have name changed to write this as it is sensitive.Dh and I have been married for 9 years and our marriage has been up and down. We have especailly had problems with sex which we are both currently seeing a relate counsellor. I found out yesterday by mistake that my husband has an e mail address I did not know about. I found out by opening a parcel that was sent to him (I know very V V bad of me) the parcel contained men's underwear which I would describe as erotic and not the type he wears normally. I have found pants hidden in his sports bag before of this type but never seen him wear them, they have never been through the wash (i know I do all the washing!) and the ones I have found before he has obviously ejaculated in. He has also had other deliveries of mens pants which have never turned up in his pant drawer. He told me when I asked about the email address that he had only used it for recruitment and to order a shed. When I asked if he had ordered anyhting else he said no. I resealed the parcel and left it on the side with the rest of his post and I saw him pick it up and rush off with it. I have looked everywhere to find it as I thought if he had simply ordered some new pants he would have said, when I asked him what the parcel was but he said it was nothing, just something for work. If it was innocent why did he lie? Am I being paranoid? I know I should trust him and not be sneaking about opening his post I am just desperate to know what is in his mind (He does not talk about his feelings much) If he likes to wear these pants to masturbate I would be OK with it, I just want him to share is feelings with me. All sorts of things go through my mind! What do you think?

I am fascinated by the idea of erotic pants for men- have never seen any! But I would say that if you think he is sexually faithful to you then you need to mind your own business really- if he wants to wear nice man-knickers on his own time for some self-lovin', then it's his private business.

meh. could be worse. he could be masterbating in womens frilly undies.

I'm not sure I agree. But only because it's obviously such an issue you've been having counselling about it where I presume there's been some kind of honest sharing.

Wouldn't this be the kind of thing to bring up (so to speak!) at those sessions? Not saying you should take him by surprise by mentioning it, just that it sounds as though he has some preferences which you're in the dark over and that's no good if you're trying to sort out your sexual relationship.

Also intrigued by the idea of erotic pants for men. Those Ann Summers novelty animal ones keep coming to mind..!

why go to the bother of setting up a secret e-mail address to order "erotic" pants and then get them delivered to your home?? Thats what's weird

Agree wi friutshoots suggestion of bringing stuff like this up in the sessions, then you can both talk about it with the help of your counsellor.

Hope this helps.

Agrre it is odd btw.

Hmm.

what type of pants are they? g-strings?

Maybe he's buying 'used' pants?

Can't think why he would cover up a preference for a certain style of pants,hardly a perversion!

he lied to you, this would worry me more than the pants tbh.

if it was my OH and i had opened the parcel i would have to ask him about it. it would be just too strange for OH to have pants like that and me not to know about it. but you might have a completely different kind of relationship.

Sounds like he's got some kind of mild fetish that he feels guilty and ashamed about. Under normal circumstances it probably wouldn't be worth worrying about. However, you clearly have some serious sexual issues as a couple, and this may be part of your problems. If I were you I would try to get the Relate counsellor on her/his own and ask them what you think you should do.

I think the worrying aspect would be that there is something which turns him on, which he is not prepared to share with you, while there is at the same time an issue with intimacy between you. He seems to have separated out this "fetish" from your sexual relationship, and gets pleasure from it when he needs to reconnect with you if you are to improve your relationship.

I do think it's something which needs to be addressed between you, with the counsellor since you are seeing one, so that you and he can sort out why this is important to him but can't be shared.

Is he gay or Bi ?? I guess so. Do you think this is the case. Not sure i have read all ;posts, but havnt come across anyone mentioning this possibility...

why would you think that maltesers? is it not possible to be straight and have a fetish that you wish to keep from your partner?

Well,he could be buying the pants from another guy,hence maltesters suggestion of bi/gay fantasy.

ah, i see now thanks. i couldn't see how maltesers made the leap from pants to gay/bi. i do now.

Because he buys mens pants and they turn him on . . .gay tendancies IYAM.

I don't like this. The problem is the secrecy. I don't at all agree that it's OK to keep a sexual fetish secret from your wife. That sort of thing undermines a marriage - and, in your case, undermines the work you're doing together in counselling.

I advise confronting it. It should be easier to open the topic at your counselling session, but that's up to you. Your marriage sounds rather odd to me: how long ago did you first find the 'unmentionables'? How come you didn't mention them?

It's such an unusual fetish, I'm afraid you may find there's even more to his sexuality than you suspected. To my mind, that's another good reason to save it for counselling. But I think you have to get it (whatever it is) out into the daylight.

Good luck.

Well of course it is weird, mainly because he lied to you. I'm puzzled though why, if you've found stuff like this in his sports bag before and presumably washed everything in it other than these soiled pants, how this has remained unspoken about. He must have known that you'd seen them and yet, here you are both pretending that they don't exist. It's like an enormous elephant in the room.

Why do you think this is happening?

"and the ones I have found before he has obviously ejaculated in"

you seem to have caught him in a sticky position

hmm... wild guess: does he spend long periods of time in his new shed? Why don't you pop out and inspect his toolbox. I have a feeling you'll discover where he keeps his pants

Thank you for all your responses, I was hoping for more of the you are being paronoid and this is normal type response. Obviously the gay thing has gone through my mind and not for the first time! but I have asked him before and raised it in counselling and he has sworn on the childrens lives he is not gay (as he is a wonderful father I have to assume this is the truth) A catch up since my first message is he cam home at lunchtime and as the children were watching telly it allowed me to ask about the parcel again, he said it was pants he had ordered but the wrong ones had arrived. Still does not explain where the parcel is now! The pants were a mixture of jock strap type things and boxer shorts with sort of a column pouch for his member. He said these are the only type of pants that are comfortable but the jock straps and more "wilder" pants were deleivered here by mistake.

Yes, but in this situation, I would have said: "So why did you say they were a work thing?" and "But we both know you've had pants like those in your sports bag before, what is this really about?"

Why didn't you?

What has made you question his sexuality?

It could be all innnocent-who is to know?-but I don't understand why he would 'hide' a specific type of underwear,my dh wears the same style and they are hardly erotic (bit on the tight side though ).

Were they brand new?

maybe he sells the ejaculated on pants?

Perhaps he is making some money on the side holding pants parties for his mates.

I'm a man, and I've never heard of men getting turned on by mens pants and ejaculating in them. If anything, having a wank in a pair of feminine knickers would be far more likely to turn a man on.

When searching on ebay for some new boxers lately I saw absolutely loads of listings with gay interest in the title. Both used and new pairs.

I'm afraid if I were you I'd need an enormous amount of convincing that he ISN'T gay.

DW and I know a couple where every man and his dog know the husband is gay but he will just never admit it - ever. Not to his wife, not to anyone. I imagine it is a secret many people take to the grave.

Of course I could be wrong, I hope so!

But why masturbate in erotic mens pants on your own?

dear lord