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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Does this sound weird to anyone?

97 replies

harrysharbour · 18/06/2010 12:59

I Have name changed to write this as it is sensitive.Dh and I have been married for 9 years and our marriage has been up and down. We have especailly had problems with sex which we are both currently seeing a relate counsellor. I found out yesterday by mistake that my husband has an e mail address I did not know about. I found out by opening a parcel that was sent to him (I know very V V bad of me) the parcel contained men's underwear which I would describe as erotic and not the type he wears normally. I have found pants hidden in his sports bag before of this type but never seen him wear them, they have never been through the wash (i know I do all the washing!) and the ones I have found before he has obviously ejaculated in. He has also had other deliveries of mens pants which have never turned up in his pant drawer. He told me when I asked about the email address that he had only used it for recruitment and to order a shed. When I asked if he had ordered anyhting else he said no. I resealed the parcel and left it on the side with the rest of his post and I saw him pick it up and rush off with it. I have looked everywhere to find it as I thought if he had simply ordered some new pants he would have said, when I asked him what the parcel was but he said it was nothing, just something for work. If it was innocent why did he lie? Am I being paranoid? I know I should trust him and not be sneaking about opening his post I am just desperate to know what is in his mind (He does not talk about his feelings much) If he likes to wear these pants to masturbate I would be OK with it, I just want him to share is feelings with me. All sorts of things go through my mind! What do you think?

OP posts:
stubbornhubby · 18/06/2010 18:48

ASince you ask I can report that I have never wanked into my pants, wearing them or otherwise !
I will confess that I have come in my pants, (not recommended BTW) but on every occasion that has, um, happened I am pleased to confirm that another party was, ahem, involved .

Isn't Mumsnet great

2010Dad · 18/06/2010 18:53

I think AMumInScotland could be bang on the money there actually.

The fact that he struggles to talk about sex could mean it's completely innocent.

Either that, or he enjoys the whole 'throbbing manhood in rude macho pants' side of things.

I hope it's the former

stubbornhubby · 18/06/2010 19:10

Tell you what though , if every tug involves a brand new pair of pants, well thats an expensive hobby.
Snooker would be a lot cheaper

vintagewarrior · 18/06/2010 19:25

Does he go out much? This is the sort of pants worn in fetish clubs. Not all people that go to fetish clubs are freaks, and it wouldn't neccessarily mean he's been unfaithful either. Hope this helps x

CrankyTwanky · 18/06/2010 22:20

I'm just amazed byth idea of a bloke buying his own undercrackers!

My DH has never bought a pair in his life!

stubbornhubby · 18/06/2010 22:27

I am amazed that your DH doesn't.
Why on earth do you buy his pants for him?? don't you have better things to do?
really.

Gay40 · 18/06/2010 22:29

The only bit that troubles me is why he is bothering to hide it.

CrankyTwanky · 18/06/2010 22:33

Because, SH, I met him when he was 20, and his mother had always bought his.
Then I did, for some reason.
He expressed pleasure at this.
So I bought him keks regularly.
If I didn't, he simply wouldn't.

I buy nearly all his clothes tbh.

SpringHeeledJack · 18/06/2010 22:39

I'm still that 2010Dad buys his pants off Ebay

SpringHeeledJack · 18/06/2010 22:45

...sorry OP for inappropriate comment

I confess I got a tad overexcited at the idea of stubbornhubby coming in his pants- and what's more not recommending it

stubbornhubby · 18/06/2010 23:11

CrankyTwanky - oh, stop then, for goodness sake stop.

SpringheeledJack - well, hello! . Seriously - let me tell you: it can seem like a good idea at the time (hey - it can seem like a VERY good idea at the time) but - trust me on this - it's really not a good idea

Gay40 - hiding his spunk-soaked pants? that's GOOD isn't it? what would you have him do? hang them on the corner of the HDTV?

booyhoo · 19/06/2010 00:22

eh he could wash them.

BitOfFun · 19/06/2010 02:26

AMumInScotland ,not for the first time this week, I am struck by how sensible and insightful your posts are

RumourOfAHurricane · 19/06/2010 08:06

This reply has been deleted

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RumourOfAHurricane · 19/06/2010 08:06

This reply has been deleted

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AMumInScotland · 19/06/2010 08:31

Why thank you BOF

auntpolly · 19/06/2010 08:42

This rings alarm bells for me. There's a side to his sexuality that he's keeping a secret from you, and now are wondering what the extent of it is and why he's hiding it. It could just be a pants fetish, it could be more. It could be that he's too embarrassed to discuss it with you, or it could be that he doesn't want to include you in that particular activity...
Are your counselling sessions joint? I would not bring it up at a joint session without mentioning it to him first. He will feel ambushed and get on the defensive. If you have some sessions on your own I would mention it then and talk about the possibility of bringing it up with him again. If you only have joint sessions, let him know in advance that you want to address the pants issue in the next session. I think you are owed some honest answers about this.

beanlet · 19/06/2010 09:21

I'm so glad the OP seems to be taking our responses in good humour, because I have to say maybe it's the late pregnancy hormones kicking in but I've been laughing hysterically at this thread. One of the best I've read in a long time!

Harry I think this could be anything at all, the most likely scenario being that it's just a mild thing that he is embarrassed about sharing with you because of both of your documented problems with sex. You're not overreacting, because he is being secretive, but at the same time I really don't think he's been dogging!!!

You do need to talk about this, preferrably with your therapist present. But I suspect it really isn't anything serious.

(Although, you say he can't be gay because he's a wonderful father -- plenty of gay men both get married and are wonderful fathers.)

boyngirl · 19/06/2010 09:40

Please can everyone stop saying 'erotic pants' I am literally crying with laughter and it's hurting my hungover head.

OP I'm not laughing at your dilemma/worry, it's a serious issue I know and I truly hate to say it but it does sound like he is taking a stroll down Gay Avenue. I think you need to confront him, good luck xx

Jamiki · 19/06/2010 12:29

pls someone, what is dogging?

Just13moreyearstogo · 19/06/2010 12:33

Sex with a stranger, in public, with others looking on. Pretty gross if you're not actually a dog.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 19/06/2010 14:30

Confess I've also laughed out loud at some of the posts on this thread, but felt very guilty for doing so, towards poor Harry who posted with this problem. It was therefore good to see you could also see the funny side of some of this Harry...

However, the serious point I wanted to make is that communication about sex is clearly an enormous issue for you as a couple and I hope the counselling addresses this, as well as everything else. Sex and everything to do with it should be fun and free of embarrassment.

There's obviously something about your H's sexual behaviour that is being hidden from you - and I do think that's an issue for any couple. People only hide stuff like this if they fear disapproval or consequences, but until you know what this is, you cannot know how to react.

I did pose a couple of questions downthread about why you haven't at least shared what you know and asked him why he lied to you. I'm really interested in why you haven't done that?

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