Have confessed an affair to dh and now don't know what to do or how to be...

[inthewrong]

With apologies to all those on the other side of this. I don't deserve or expect any sympathy, but any advice would be very welcome.

I could take hours writing it all down, but I am a cliche, it's the oldest story in the book and you've heard it all before.

Basically, my husband and I have struggled for ten years of a thirteen year marriage. I built up a well spring of resentment and anger against him, and when someone I knew socially showed an interest in me (and he was very persistent) I succumbed.

I convinced myself I was in love with this man and my marriage was over all bar the shouting. The affair went on for almost a year, with breaks always initiated by me.

We never had full sex, but that's hardly the point, I know.

Towards the end of the affair dh and I went for counselling. At the beginning of the counselling OM and I were not in touch, but to my eternal shame, we got in touch again during it.

As a result of counselling, though, I learnt that all our problems were not dh's fault, that I had my part to play, and that maybe things weren't as bad as they'd seemed. There was hope. I cut contact with OM and decided to put everything behind me and try again with my marriage.

I could see dh trying so hard, and I could no longer bear to lie to him. I wanted him to have the full facts so he would know who he was married to and decide whether he still wanted me.

So I told him the truth. Naturally he is devastated. He has sorted out counselling for himself. I have apologised fully and swear nothing like it will ever happen again.
I am also having counselling and have been for a long time.

The thing is, I can't seem to explain to him how it happened. He says he accepts full responsibility for the state of our marriage, and the conditions that led to the affair, but that he can't understand how I could have made that leap.

My take on it is that I was in a very bad place at the time, lonely and unfulfilled in my marriage, angry with him and just so pathetically grateful for what seemed at the time like positive strokes. I can now see that I was a fool and my low self esteem had a lot to do with it.

I've tried telling dh this, tried to reassure him that I am going to work on my issues, apologised and said it won't happen again, but he just keeps saying he doesn't understand how I could have done it.

I wonder if he just wants me to say I'm a bad person.

He wants us to move house (the OM lives quite near here) and shut our business.

I can't believe the mess I've made and have no idea how to start putting it right.

Fully braced for a flaming...

bumping.

Oh my goodness. Don't want to read and run and I know someone will be along soon with superb advice.

Well I don't think you're a very bad person. God kids ssquealing.

All the best, I will check in later.

I think you need advice from people on the other side.

Thank you.

he might just not be able to trust you again. It is up to him, you have to continue to do what you can and be clear but it may be that he cannot trust you anymore and without trust, it probably owuldn't work.

He says that he wants us to try again and be better and that he does trust me and knows I'm sorry.

He's been amazing, really. Better than I deserve.

But I can't give him the satisfactory explanation that he seems to need.

I've not been on either side thank god. Give him time. He's struggling to equate what you've told him with who he thought you were. At least he is still around. Give him time and good luck

I have no useful things to say (won't flame you though) but if you've put up with an unhappy marriage for ten years I think you need to look at that, and why you felt you needed an exit affair.

I mean, did you feel that you couldn't just leave the marriage? I'm not at all judging you, I'm just wondering why take this route? And maybe that's what he's really asking - not "why are you a bad person" but "why did you feel you had to swallow the situation?"

Well, I did, tortoise, several times. For a few years before the affair he knew I was unhappy but wouldn't do counselling or separate, or even fully address our issues.

It took a partial confession (I told him I'd fallen in love with OM, but it wasn't reciprocated or acted on - coward, I know) to get him to counselling.

OK I shut them up but don't have much to add as am a bit in the dark.

What stands out most is: "The thing is, I can't seem to explain to him how it happened. He says he accepts full responsibility for the state of our marriage, and the conditions that led to the affair, but that he can't understand how I could have made that leap."

Now that he can't understand it, it's as if you can't understand it either. But very poor self esteem (I do know this for sure) can lead to very poor and very self destructive decision making. Because you couldn't see at the time that things would get any better in your marriage so you decided to take what happiness you could.

In the throes of an emotional or physical affair it seems impossible that you will ever "confess" or that things will get better in your marriage, so it's very, very, VERY possible to make decisions that satisfy your happiness at the time.

What made you go for counselling? Was it the affair giving you BOTH the guilt and the confidence to push for it?

I cross posted with you.

On paper, black and white, with no moral judgment saying it's good or bad, it seems clear that the affair has led to counselling. It's been a catalyst and without it things would have carried on as before.

Do you think this is true?

backtotalk...that's the explanation I have given him. It's like you've read my mind.

But he just keeps saying "but you knew you were married."

And there's nothing I can say to that, is there?

Yes, I know that to be the case. Without a doubt.

Lots of x-posting there, sorry.

Did you justify it to yourself at the time thinking that there was more than one way to break a marriage vow? That you felt he had broken his vows and so it was justified?

Everybody, everybody agrees that there is more than one way to break a marriage vow.

Do you think you used this reasoning, even subconsciously?

I definitely used that reasoning, shamefully.

Is your remorse tempered by the thought that it did some good?

I do think you need to hear from WhenwillIfeelnormal who seems to be very aware and intelligent in these situations.

But from my point of view, it seems like you need to approach it with more confidence than crawling along broken glass. So long as he knows that you are desperately sorry, very regretful and now trustworthy, I think you can have more confidence in yourself without that turning into blaming him for your affair.

I don't think that you should get a flaming. I think that you have very much taken "ownership" of the situation and have taken full responsibility for your actions. It was brave of you to tell your DH.

I was in the situtation that your DH is in, so I think maybe I can help you understand what he might be going through.

What is important right now is that you answer all and any questions that he might have. He will be reeling from this, but may have suspected something. Getting out the details of the affair will be important for him to "timeline" his suspicions and give him some comfort that his instincts were correct.

The worst thing about affairs are that they involve deceipt and it will take a long while for him to be able to trust you again. You will have to be completely transparent from now on.

I don't have time to post much more, but wanted to respond. Get a copy of Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. It is THE book for understanding affairs.

Oh, and make absolutely sure that you/he sees a counsellor who doesn't subscribe to the view that affairs only happen for a reason. The counsellor my DW and I saw colluded in my DW's re-writing of history to justify her affair. It was immensely damaging. He needs to know, and be told that he had no part in your decision to have an affair. Yes, he was jointly responsible for how you felt about your marriage in the run up to the affair, but these are things to explore later on.

Sweetpea I have to go. I hope posters who have experienced this as your dh have done will be able to offer you words of good advice.

I think you're very brave and plainly good hearted. Bad things happen in good marriages. I wish you all the best.

You've hit the nail on the head, backtotalk.

I feel like I'm treading a fine line between sackcloth and ashes, which I know won't do our relationship any good in the long run, and almost blaming him, which isn't fair.

It just doesn't seem to be enough to say "I'm sorry".

Well my H left me for another woman but you may both find this book very helpful.

Also are you still doing counseling? Counseling to help you both work through this may be helpful.

I agree that moving away from the OM may help your H and you, making a fresh start.

Do you want to be with him? He will require time, kindness and understanding on your part whilst he sorts out his feelings and emotions (he will swing in between disgust and anger and calm for a while) and full transparency from you, among other things, whilst you both try to rebuild trust in the relationship and heal it.

x posted with Geekdad. Great minds think alike on book

Thank you, backtotalk.

Geekdad, he knows everything. I've answered all his questions fully and honestly. It was a tough week, but he says he knows all he wants or needs to know, now.

There has been no rewriting of history. Things were very very tough for a very long time.

Right, inthewrong, but if you were telling him for years that you were unhappy, and he was refusing to do anything about it, why didn't you leave?

Look, i'm not trying to heap further blame. But I find it interesting that instead of leaving, drawing a line in the sand, you've instead done something that's then put you 'in the wrong' and now you're the bad guy.

I'm not piling on him, either. What I'm wondering is, though - what does this marriage have to offer you? You haven't said. You've said that you struggled for ten years, and now you're the one in the wrong and he's finally going to work on the issues, which is good, and you're desperately sorry, which is also good in a way.

But, tell us about the actual marriage. What are you trying to save?

I'm asking myself that question, tortoise. I feel like I'm recommitting to something that made me really miserable for a really long time.

But before I confessed, I could see green shoots that made me feel hopeful. I've been with him half my life, and I can't just give up on us.

I didn't leave because we have dcs whom he adores and he basically refused to countenance the prospect of leaving. Said I would either have to go or chuck him out, which I couldn't bear to do.

Thankfully I have been on neither side of a situation like this so far in my marriage and I have often wondered what on earth I would do if DH told me he had been having an affair. I've always thought I would never be able to take him back.

Reading your post is the first time I've thought that maybe I could. You've been really open and honest here and shown that desire for another man was not really anything to do with the affair.

Can you show him this thread? Encourage more counselling together?

Give him time, let him vent and ask questions, there is a lot of new information for him to absorb and mull over. Keep your message to him a consistent one. It sounds like that might be something like that you always wanted your marriage with him to work out but you just didn't know where to start and that you want the two of you to work out how to do it, together.

Sorry, this might not be all that useful but you really don't sound like a bad person and I wish you all the best.